First Time Here
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 48
Hi SuperTech,
I can relate to what you wrote. I agree with what others mentioned too. You are not a bad person but someone with a disease. I hope you can find some peace and forgivenes of yourself. Do they have NA where you are?
I can relate to what you wrote. I agree with what others mentioned too. You are not a bad person but someone with a disease. I hope you can find some peace and forgivenes of yourself. Do they have NA where you are?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
One last thing ... regarding your ex husband.
YOU DID NOT FAIL.
You successfully determined ... what does not work.
A drug addict alcoholic with mental problems to boot, taken out of an institution and left alone in a flat, no DOUBT lacking the wherewithal to be be working ANY RECOVERY PROGRAM ... are you kidding me?
YOU and your daughter were THE ONLY REASON HE LIVED AS LONG AS HE DID. You DID NOT FAIL, so please, don't beat yourself up over it any longer. You did all you could, and that's ALL WE CAN EVER DO!
YOU DID NOT FAIL.
You successfully determined ... what does not work.
A drug addict alcoholic with mental problems to boot, taken out of an institution and left alone in a flat, no DOUBT lacking the wherewithal to be be working ANY RECOVERY PROGRAM ... are you kidding me?
YOU and your daughter were THE ONLY REASON HE LIVED AS LONG AS HE DID. You DID NOT FAIL, so please, don't beat yourself up over it any longer. You did all you could, and that's ALL WE CAN EVER DO!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
sorry, but another thing just occurred to me.
your 'excuses' for WHY you became an addict?
they are pretty damn solid if you ask me.
most of us pick up narcotics WITHOUT the excuse of a serious injury, and WITHOUT the death of a loved one that we feel responsible burning a hole into our souls.
then most of us just keep using to mask the pain caused by the fact that WE KEEP USING. you, on the other hand, appear to have had at least some semblance of a real REASON why you became an addict. Narcotics are SO insidious, too, don't ever forget that, they lull you into such a false sense of security with their comforting, numbing nature that before you know it ... BAM ... you're in their grip. they are nothing but artificial endorphins, our own natural 'feel-good' chemicals, and they affect a VERY primitive part of our brains (the Limbic system, to be exact). They work on our INSTINCTS, WAY below our conscious minds, and they are simply WAY more powerful than our 'will-power' alone can effectively fight.
When you stop taking them, your body/brain goes into PANIC/FIGHT/FLIGHT syndrome, it basically reacts like it thinks your going to DIE. The reason you cannot sleep is that your brain is dumping massive adrenaline into your bloodstream (its been doing that for awhile actually to counteract the depressant effect of narcotics so you could stay awake on them!) and there's now nothing working AGAINST that adrenaline.
And you have NO natural endorphins anymore, hence you feel completely depressed and in pain.
Its such a major chemical imbalance (and it lasts, SUBTLY, for a LONG TIME, and it comes and goes over the months, THAT is why people relapse so often from them...) that it's virtually impossible to WILL your way through it. It's bigger than you. Remember that fact always. And get the help you're going to need in the form of SUPPORT from other recovering addicts. The best place to do that ... is AA/NA, in my humble opinion.
your 'excuses' for WHY you became an addict?
they are pretty damn solid if you ask me.
most of us pick up narcotics WITHOUT the excuse of a serious injury, and WITHOUT the death of a loved one that we feel responsible burning a hole into our souls.
then most of us just keep using to mask the pain caused by the fact that WE KEEP USING. you, on the other hand, appear to have had at least some semblance of a real REASON why you became an addict. Narcotics are SO insidious, too, don't ever forget that, they lull you into such a false sense of security with their comforting, numbing nature that before you know it ... BAM ... you're in their grip. they are nothing but artificial endorphins, our own natural 'feel-good' chemicals, and they affect a VERY primitive part of our brains (the Limbic system, to be exact). They work on our INSTINCTS, WAY below our conscious minds, and they are simply WAY more powerful than our 'will-power' alone can effectively fight.
When you stop taking them, your body/brain goes into PANIC/FIGHT/FLIGHT syndrome, it basically reacts like it thinks your going to DIE. The reason you cannot sleep is that your brain is dumping massive adrenaline into your bloodstream (its been doing that for awhile actually to counteract the depressant effect of narcotics so you could stay awake on them!) and there's now nothing working AGAINST that adrenaline.
And you have NO natural endorphins anymore, hence you feel completely depressed and in pain.
Its such a major chemical imbalance (and it lasts, SUBTLY, for a LONG TIME, and it comes and goes over the months, THAT is why people relapse so often from them...) that it's virtually impossible to WILL your way through it. It's bigger than you. Remember that fact always. And get the help you're going to need in the form of SUPPORT from other recovering addicts. The best place to do that ... is AA/NA, in my humble opinion.
Newbie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: England
Posts: 42
Thank you bvaljalo
Wow. Thanks so much for your advice and comments. It makes so much sense what you say. I have taken everything on board and when I get back to the UK, i'll be finding some support.
Thanks
Thanks
Welcome to SR......very glad you found us!
Newbie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: England
Posts: 42
Six days and counting
Hi all
It's now six days of being without my tablets. I'm still feeling a bit odd but the worst stuff seems to have passed now. I've eaten for the first time in six days but have kept up my fluid intake as I know how important that is. My appetite does seem to be returning. But I know i'm not out of the woods yet. We have so much to sort out here as we are flying back to the UK very soon. So, I guess i've been thinking a lot about that which has distracted me a bit.
I've had the chance to read all of the helpful and supportive comments many times, so thanks again. What a help this site has been. It has given me the support i've never had before.
Sites like this must be why God invented the internet........
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
It's now six days of being without my tablets. I'm still feeling a bit odd but the worst stuff seems to have passed now. I've eaten for the first time in six days but have kept up my fluid intake as I know how important that is. My appetite does seem to be returning. But I know i'm not out of the woods yet. We have so much to sort out here as we are flying back to the UK very soon. So, I guess i've been thinking a lot about that which has distracted me a bit.
I've had the chance to read all of the helpful and supportive comments many times, so thanks again. What a help this site has been. It has given me the support i've never had before.
Sites like this must be why God invented the internet........
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Newbie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: England
Posts: 42
Better day
Today has been a lot better. It's now been a whole week without my tabs and i'm feeling pretty much how I expected to at this stage. I think I expected it to be worse as I was coming off Tramadol as well as codeine. But there didn't appear to be any worse withdrawals than when i've just come off the codeine. I do think i've been very lucky though as it could have been so much worse.
My emotional state is also beginning to settle now too. Sometimes, the emotions we go through in withdrawals can almost be as bad as the physical stuff.
Today it is sunny and i've been out and done some stuff to sort out our impending move back to the UK. It's also just dawning on me that i'm gonna really miss New Zealand. But I do wish i'd have been clear headed for the time that we've been here because then I would be able to remember more!!!!!!
I've spoken to my family and especially my daughter and when I do get back, me and my little girl are gonna have a heart to heart about what's really been going on and how i've been feeling. Then I will need to pick my time to do the same thing with my hubby. I owe him that much at least.
My emotional state is also beginning to settle now too. Sometimes, the emotions we go through in withdrawals can almost be as bad as the physical stuff.
Today it is sunny and i've been out and done some stuff to sort out our impending move back to the UK. It's also just dawning on me that i'm gonna really miss New Zealand. But I do wish i'd have been clear headed for the time that we've been here because then I would be able to remember more!!!!!!
I've spoken to my family and especially my daughter and when I do get back, me and my little girl are gonna have a heart to heart about what's really been going on and how i've been feeling. Then I will need to pick my time to do the same thing with my hubby. I owe him that much at least.
:Newbie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: England
Posts: 42
Nine days
Hi all
Feeling quite positive today although i've still had to tell some lies. Which isn't ideal but that will also change. The past few years seem to have been so much about deceit and being someone I know i'm not.
I'm keeping busy getting things organised for our return to our home. There's so much to do and so little time to do it. I'm a bit worried about how i'll handle things when I get back but i've decided to get extra support and counseling. I think it's well overdue. There are so many issues in my head that I need to get them out to a professional listener....................
We have promised ourselves a sun soaked vacation when we can. That will be the first vacation in years where i'll have a clear head!!! There is quite a bit of hard work ahead first. But we all need something special to look forward to.
Feeling quite positive today although i've still had to tell some lies. Which isn't ideal but that will also change. The past few years seem to have been so much about deceit and being someone I know i'm not.
I'm keeping busy getting things organised for our return to our home. There's so much to do and so little time to do it. I'm a bit worried about how i'll handle things when I get back but i've decided to get extra support and counseling. I think it's well overdue. There are so many issues in my head that I need to get them out to a professional listener....................
We have promised ourselves a sun soaked vacation when we can. That will be the first vacation in years where i'll have a clear head!!! There is quite a bit of hard work ahead first. But we all need something special to look forward to.
Newbie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: England
Posts: 42
Questions
I forgot to post last time that I have a question. I've been feeling pretty much ok for the last couple of days but occasionally i've been feeling a bit dizzy and very light headed and disturbed vision. I know i've been through the withdrawals a few times but I can't remember feeling like this after a week before. Is this normal or am I panicking??
Thanks
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
Supertech Im slightly late, but I just saw this post and would like to welcome you to Sr.
I just wanted to reinforce the fact that a substance abuse problem does not make you a bad person.
Keep posting.
I just wanted to reinforce the fact that a substance abuse problem does not make you a bad person.
Keep posting.
Newbie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: England
Posts: 42
Good Morning
Morning to all on SR
I've finished work now and i'm at our flat all day. I feel better really as I was worried about my health when working because running to the loo when your working hard isn't easy. I was worried that I would make mistakes and that would not be good. At least now that's over with but my bosses were none too pleased. But it can't really be helped. I did enjoy my time there but I didn't need the extra stress and I didn't want to be sacked.....
So, i'm keeping busy in our flat with the preparations for moving back to the UK. I've been emailing my daughter and I can't wait to see her again. This has been the longest 5 months of my life.
I feel ok in myself today too.
I've finished work now and i'm at our flat all day. I feel better really as I was worried about my health when working because running to the loo when your working hard isn't easy. I was worried that I would make mistakes and that would not be good. At least now that's over with but my bosses were none too pleased. But it can't really be helped. I did enjoy my time there but I didn't need the extra stress and I didn't want to be sacked.....
So, i'm keeping busy in our flat with the preparations for moving back to the UK. I've been emailing my daughter and I can't wait to see her again. This has been the longest 5 months of my life.
I feel ok in myself today too.
Newbie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: England
Posts: 42
Bad Night
Good morning to everyone on SR
I woke up at 23.30 last night and had to stay up for a few hours. My legs were twitching again and my mind was racing. I made a milky drink and watched late night tv for a couple of hours and also did some emails and texts to friends back in the UK just to take my mind off things for a while. This is the first time that this has happened to me. The worst and most difficult withdrawals are usually over by day five. But i'm now onto day 11 and last night was a bit of a shock really. The good thing was that there are no mind altering substances in the flat at all or I do think i'd have relapsed last night. I'm being honest here. My will power and resolve would not have helped me get through. I surfed the web for other peoples stories on quitting opiates and found one from a young bloke living in Ireland who's brother was hooked on OTC painkillers. When I read his story, I cried again as it was like reading a story about myself.
It has finally dawned on me how huge a problem this is for so many people.
I had no idea that I wasn't the only one hooked on this type of opiate. In a way that helps but it also makes me very angry.
I'm only able to comment on the health care system in the UK, so for all you fab people out there from other countries, maybe you have different HC systems and this doesn't happen the same. I'm not sure.
When I think about the profession that i'm in and the situation as a UK HC system user, the ease at which we can obtain OTC painkillers that have Codeine in them and also how easy it is to get the stronger variety on prescription and there is not ONE single warning on the boxes that should say "This medicine can cause dependency issues". I have seen packets of 30 tablets with 30mg codeine and 500mg paracetamol simply given out routinely for those leaving hospital after any surgical procedures etc. No advice is ever given to patients. No warnings. As an opiate user, I can easily go into any community pharmacy and buy 15mg codeine/500mg paracetamol tablets in boxes of a hundred without hardly any questions from any of the pharmacy staff. They mainly are concerned that the product contains paracetamol. It's a pretty scary situation.
Anyway, enough rambling. Thanks for listening.
I woke up at 23.30 last night and had to stay up for a few hours. My legs were twitching again and my mind was racing. I made a milky drink and watched late night tv for a couple of hours and also did some emails and texts to friends back in the UK just to take my mind off things for a while. This is the first time that this has happened to me. The worst and most difficult withdrawals are usually over by day five. But i'm now onto day 11 and last night was a bit of a shock really. The good thing was that there are no mind altering substances in the flat at all or I do think i'd have relapsed last night. I'm being honest here. My will power and resolve would not have helped me get through. I surfed the web for other peoples stories on quitting opiates and found one from a young bloke living in Ireland who's brother was hooked on OTC painkillers. When I read his story, I cried again as it was like reading a story about myself.
It has finally dawned on me how huge a problem this is for so many people.
I had no idea that I wasn't the only one hooked on this type of opiate. In a way that helps but it also makes me very angry.
I'm only able to comment on the health care system in the UK, so for all you fab people out there from other countries, maybe you have different HC systems and this doesn't happen the same. I'm not sure.
When I think about the profession that i'm in and the situation as a UK HC system user, the ease at which we can obtain OTC painkillers that have Codeine in them and also how easy it is to get the stronger variety on prescription and there is not ONE single warning on the boxes that should say "This medicine can cause dependency issues". I have seen packets of 30 tablets with 30mg codeine and 500mg paracetamol simply given out routinely for those leaving hospital after any surgical procedures etc. No advice is ever given to patients. No warnings. As an opiate user, I can easily go into any community pharmacy and buy 15mg codeine/500mg paracetamol tablets in boxes of a hundred without hardly any questions from any of the pharmacy staff. They mainly are concerned that the product contains paracetamol. It's a pretty scary situation.
Anyway, enough rambling. Thanks for listening.
Newbie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: England
Posts: 42
Thank goodness for sleep!!!!
Morning all
What a night!!!! I went to bed later, probably because I was scared that if I went to bed i'd start with the yuck withdrawals. My best friend from the UK rang us very late here, early in the UK. She is having some severe marital issues and sounds as though she is in a terrible state. I sat chatting, listening and hopefully helping for two hours so by the time we'd finished, it was very, very late for me and after i'd got settled in bed, I slept right through!!!! And boy do I feel better this morning.
I was also quite proud of myself yesterday. I went into town shopping on my own and had to go to the local pharmacy. Normally, i'd buy whatever codeine preps I could get my hands on as well as everything else that I needed but I just bought what was on my list and nothing else. When I came out, I was so amazed that i'd not even looked on the shelves at what codeine preps they had......That must be the first time i've done that in years!!!!!
A definite breakthrough.
What a night!!!! I went to bed later, probably because I was scared that if I went to bed i'd start with the yuck withdrawals. My best friend from the UK rang us very late here, early in the UK. She is having some severe marital issues and sounds as though she is in a terrible state. I sat chatting, listening and hopefully helping for two hours so by the time we'd finished, it was very, very late for me and after i'd got settled in bed, I slept right through!!!! And boy do I feel better this morning.
I was also quite proud of myself yesterday. I went into town shopping on my own and had to go to the local pharmacy. Normally, i'd buy whatever codeine preps I could get my hands on as well as everything else that I needed but I just bought what was on my list and nothing else. When I came out, I was so amazed that i'd not even looked on the shelves at what codeine preps they had......That must be the first time i've done that in years!!!!!
A definite breakthrough.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
good for you sT, good for you...
now, as was mentioned to me, its the next, then the next time to look out for... and so on down the road...
stay focused, and dont let the rats of addictions get in the way...
all good wishes ST
xxoo, rz
now, as was mentioned to me, its the next, then the next time to look out for... and so on down the road...
stay focused, and dont let the rats of addictions get in the way...
all good wishes ST
xxoo, rz
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: South Africa
Posts: 138
HI, Well done on the steps you have taken. Seems like you have had enough.
About your husband - you need to get honest with him. Even once you stop taking the pills, you will remain an addict. It is a disease, and it is in my opinion difficult to be in an honest loving marriage and keep an ilness a secret.
Recovery requires honesty, its an absolute prerequisite.
If he loves you as you say, he will eventually understand. The breach of trust, lies and deceipt will take time to heal. But that is part of recovery. You will need to make amneds in time.
Please give him the opportunity to understand. Anger, hurt, etc may be part of his response, but you have a disease. Your lying etc are part of your addiction. Once you stop using the pills, you will have the choice to be honest again.
We are as sick as our secrets.
Good luch, and well done....
About your husband - you need to get honest with him. Even once you stop taking the pills, you will remain an addict. It is a disease, and it is in my opinion difficult to be in an honest loving marriage and keep an ilness a secret.
Recovery requires honesty, its an absolute prerequisite.
If he loves you as you say, he will eventually understand. The breach of trust, lies and deceipt will take time to heal. But that is part of recovery. You will need to make amneds in time.
Please give him the opportunity to understand. Anger, hurt, etc may be part of his response, but you have a disease. Your lying etc are part of your addiction. Once you stop using the pills, you will have the choice to be honest again.
We are as sick as our secrets.
Good luch, and well done....
Newbie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: England
Posts: 42
I agree
Hi Calabash
You are right with everything that you've said. When I first admitted to him a couple of years ago what was happening, he just didn't understand. But, because he is a fantastic person, he wanted to help and asked me how. I just feel so bad that i've continued with this behind his back. I'm so ashamed about this. I really should know better than this.
But yes, you are right. This wonderful man deserves the truth. I'm just so scared at what his reaction will be. I can't lose him as he is my soul mate and the love of my life. I'm returning to the UK shortly and i've decided that i've obviously got ongoing issues that have not been resolved as I first thought, so i'm going to see a counsellor and work through these things first.
And then i'll "come clean" and explain what's been going on for the past couple of years.
Thanks
ST
You are right with everything that you've said. When I first admitted to him a couple of years ago what was happening, he just didn't understand. But, because he is a fantastic person, he wanted to help and asked me how. I just feel so bad that i've continued with this behind his back. I'm so ashamed about this. I really should know better than this.
But yes, you are right. This wonderful man deserves the truth. I'm just so scared at what his reaction will be. I can't lose him as he is my soul mate and the love of my life. I'm returning to the UK shortly and i've decided that i've obviously got ongoing issues that have not been resolved as I first thought, so i'm going to see a counsellor and work through these things first.
And then i'll "come clean" and explain what's been going on for the past couple of years.
Thanks
ST
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