families - no hoper
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: England
Posts: 441
families - no hoper
why does nothing ever seem good enough? I'm trying to stop using crack and tonight I get told that its not worth it cause I will be back on it again in a few days, well I've not used it for 2 days I thought I was doing well, but NO apprentely not because I'm a no hoper.
Why am I trying to change when people i see everyday knock me at every given take. My mum tells me that I won't ever change, that I will always be the hoper..(the same person who handed me 200 solphadol and told me to do it properly next time) why can't she see that I want to change. why does it have to be a fight with everything.
One part of me says I will show them, prove them wrong about me, but another part says no, u are what they say. I'm not ready to stop drinking, I know its damaging me, and I have to stop but I want to get clean of coke first, and then deal with drink, I don't know maybe I am setting myself up to fail.
Right now I want to call my ex and get him to bring me some crack, I've been feeling the urge all day, and now I'm struggling, I don't want to sleep, I'm scared to sleep, and crack will keep me alert. the destroyers are in my head and won't go away, everyone was right I am the no hoper. the freak show, for all to watch.
Why am I trying to change when people i see everyday knock me at every given take. My mum tells me that I won't ever change, that I will always be the hoper..(the same person who handed me 200 solphadol and told me to do it properly next time) why can't she see that I want to change. why does it have to be a fight with everything.
One part of me says I will show them, prove them wrong about me, but another part says no, u are what they say. I'm not ready to stop drinking, I know its damaging me, and I have to stop but I want to get clean of coke first, and then deal with drink, I don't know maybe I am setting myself up to fail.
Right now I want to call my ex and get him to bring me some crack, I've been feeling the urge all day, and now I'm struggling, I don't want to sleep, I'm scared to sleep, and crack will keep me alert. the destroyers are in my head and won't go away, everyone was right I am the no hoper. the freak show, for all to watch.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Lost, you know the answers.
First, do it for youself. It's none of your business right now what others think. That said, you also know after a demonstrated period of sobriety, they'll come around.
Second, "Trying" and 2 days are too little too late to those involved right now. I know it sucks to hear it, but you know it's true.
Lastly,
You know that you have to stop everything. You'll just bounce back and forth between booze & coke. You know how to stop, you just have to go out and do it.
You will reach a point when you're ready to stop drinking, and you won't be able to. It's not a fun place to be, I've been there, it almost killed me. You don't have to go there.
First, do it for youself. It's none of your business right now what others think. That said, you also know after a demonstrated period of sobriety, they'll come around.
Second, "Trying" and 2 days are too little too late to those involved right now. I know it sucks to hear it, but you know it's true.
Lastly,
I'm not ready to stop drinking
You will reach a point when you're ready to stop drinking, and you won't be able to. It's not a fun place to be, I've been there, it almost killed me. You don't have to go there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: England
Posts: 441
Because I love her and I want to believe that one day she will love me back..I just want to be like my siblings, and have my mothers love. I'm seeing my counsellor at 14:00 tomorrow.
Glass, do u really think people will accept the new me if I change, cause already they having a go because I've changed and they don't like it. I don't have the confidence to meet new people, the only person who wants and believes in me is my older sister, she wants me to stop drinking, but even she said that she doesn't like how I've changed, cause now I'm not the person with the get up and go, the person who goes out and has a laugh, will I be able to do that without a drink, does confidence come when ur not drinking or using coke?
I managed to quit coke for 4 months last time, and then something happened and I went straight back on to it..I've not take any poppers for over a year. I have been working on changing.
I think I've already hit the place where I need to stop drinking, I've tried for a few days and then failed. my physicatrist tells me I need to cut down and stop, my test results show that I have to stop and yet as nite time comes and the urges that I've been fighting all day I just give in..i want to believe i don't have a problem with crack and drink, but I do, i don't control either anymore, they control me..the blackouts/voids are happening most nites. sorry I'm going on , sorry
Glass, do u really think people will accept the new me if I change, cause already they having a go because I've changed and they don't like it. I don't have the confidence to meet new people, the only person who wants and believes in me is my older sister, she wants me to stop drinking, but even she said that she doesn't like how I've changed, cause now I'm not the person with the get up and go, the person who goes out and has a laugh, will I be able to do that without a drink, does confidence come when ur not drinking or using coke?
I managed to quit coke for 4 months last time, and then something happened and I went straight back on to it..I've not take any poppers for over a year. I have been working on changing.
I think I've already hit the place where I need to stop drinking, I've tried for a few days and then failed. my physicatrist tells me I need to cut down and stop, my test results show that I have to stop and yet as nite time comes and the urges that I've been fighting all day I just give in..i want to believe i don't have a problem with crack and drink, but I do, i don't control either anymore, they control me..the blackouts/voids are happening most nites. sorry I'm going on , sorry
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
do u really think people will accept the new me if I change
I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I've been there, it's no fun. It seems as if nothing is ever going to get better, hopeless......Hell, I prayed for God to take me in my sleep. I kept waking up.
believer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
Well you're first now...you need to let go of toxic stuff...people will kill you slowly if you let them.I know you're spirit is strong enough to be free from others...It doesn't matter what they think....you can be anything you want to be as long as you let go of the wrong people...you need to surround yourself with good loving people..if my mom was like that i would seriously live my life alone...and God would have to forgive me...because i am sure God wants us to be happy...i got tired of expectations and family impositions..Lost Child by now you have to care only for yourself...to get it together....even if you were alone in this world there was still a purpose for your life...You can be an independent,a successfully young woman, free your mind and your spirit from toxic people...they're your family, but God doesn't want you to dwell on mean people...sorry just have to tell it like i perceive it...we have a journey and we are supposed to be happy..that tragic thing i aint having it in my personal life..i have a dad that keeps telling me i will suck..do i believe him? no! if i have to let go of hath of my family i will, but you know what i've learned? i can sit at a table hearing them talk about stupid money things and i can be away from it, because i have learned the power of choice.I choose the info that i want my soul to think about...no negativity...i just couldn't take bad influences anymore...You know, who is to tell me what is right?..i just live freely and God will love me still, because i am no hypocrite, and that's all he wants, he wants the world to stop faking as a saint and act freely..
believer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
Originally Posted by lost_child 
B
Glass, do u really think people will accept the new me if I change, cause already they having a go because I've changed and they don't like it.
Glass, do u really think people will accept the new me if I change, cause already they having a go because I've changed and they don't like it.
if they don't love you all the way...sorry it's their problem...You are a child of God, you are made to be loved..It's not your fault dear, people who can't love are the ones with a serious problem...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: England
Posts: 441
I guess i'm scared of change, the unknown..thank you for ur replies. I will need to give some thought to what u have said, I've never done anything for me without thinkin what will others think, I've never done anything for me, always for someone else, guess that's why I fall at the first hurdle, doing it for others just doesn't work, does it..
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Change is always hard, Lost, but it's also worth it.
Your mother is a toxic person, and as long as you lay your heart out for her, you will be hurt - over and over again. I've been there, done that and it gets worse and worse. Your mother's love will not make you whole, you need to do that yourself. And, you are worth it.
Your mother is a toxic person, and as long as you lay your heart out for her, you will be hurt - over and over again. I've been there, done that and it gets worse and worse. Your mother's love will not make you whole, you need to do that yourself. And, you are worth it.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Lost ..I know how you feel.
As far as the changing.
Some people I use to run with use to say that I thought I was brand new because I was trying to better myself.
Meaning I thought I was better than them.
It use to make me mad..sad..and doubtful.
But you have to listen to your heart.
Do for you what you want and need.
Forget what any and every one else is saying or doing.
Change is a process.
It takes time but it is possible.
After awhile you will have the confidence sober.
It is unfamiliar territory. But you get use to it and learn to function and adapt.
Everything takes time.
You are screaming for help.
It saddens me that you dont have the support your looking for.
But if those people are keeping you down. Regardless of who they are.
You need to separate yourself from them. At least until you get yourself right.
You can do it.
And I think people will be quite pleased in your change for the better.
If they arent..then why should you care.
Do for you.
You can do it.
I will be praying for you.
As far as the changing.
Some people I use to run with use to say that I thought I was brand new because I was trying to better myself.
Meaning I thought I was better than them.
It use to make me mad..sad..and doubtful.
But you have to listen to your heart.
Do for you what you want and need.
Forget what any and every one else is saying or doing.
Change is a process.
It takes time but it is possible.
After awhile you will have the confidence sober.
It is unfamiliar territory. But you get use to it and learn to function and adapt.
Everything takes time.
You are screaming for help.
It saddens me that you dont have the support your looking for.
But if those people are keeping you down. Regardless of who they are.
You need to separate yourself from them. At least until you get yourself right.
You can do it.
And I think people will be quite pleased in your change for the better.
If they arent..then why should you care.
Do for you.
You can do it.
I will be praying for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: England
Posts: 441
Change is the name I was going to use, cause that's what I have to do, the world and people around me won't change, the only person I can control and change is me, so it was wierd seeing that..sorry for that rabble.
I need to think about what u have said..I didn't use crack or make the call and the urge seems to have lessoned slightly..so gonna have a glass of water, bath and it the sack to read a book and do some thinking...I need an action plan, I don't like things when I dont' know what to expect or when I don't know what to do and in what order, but then I guess that's the fear of change, and the not knowing. Thank you for ur replies, I know I go on too much and I apologise, I wish u guys were here to kick me when I mess up, or think bad things.
I need to think about what u have said..I didn't use crack or make the call and the urge seems to have lessoned slightly..so gonna have a glass of water, bath and it the sack to read a book and do some thinking...I need an action plan, I don't like things when I dont' know what to expect or when I don't know what to do and in what order, but then I guess that's the fear of change, and the not knowing. Thank you for ur replies, I know I go on too much and I apologise, I wish u guys were here to kick me when I mess up, or think bad things.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hey LC,
good to see you again...there are so many great posts here, there's not a lot to add...
except that you have already come so far in the time I've seen you on the boards, so don't get discouraged by other people's unfeeling comments...you are a good person, with lots to offer, so do this for yourself...I believe in you.
D
good to see you again...there are so many great posts here, there's not a lot to add...
except that you have already come so far in the time I've seen you on the boards, so don't get discouraged by other people's unfeeling comments...you are a good person, with lots to offer, so do this for yourself...I believe in you.
D
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Hi Lost, glad to see you still posting, I know it always helps me. I tried to quit for years, for everyone but ME. I would quit for my wife (now ex :-( ) many times over. I'd quit for rehab. I'd quit to get a job. Finally a little more than a month ago, I decided I needed to quit for ME!! Guess what, it is the only time that has really worked. Don't get me wrong, I still have lots of "issues", I see a theripist weekly and am on a number of perscriptions to try to help me with the depression and anxiety I was trying to numb for so many years.
Unfortunatly I had to lose pretty much everything in my life before I got to this point. I even tried to kill myself, and only through a series of events that can really only be called some sort of miricle, did I not succeed. For as long as I can remember I really didn't care anything about myself. I was lucky as I had many in my life who loved me even when I didn't. I still can't really say I love myself yet, but I can see a day when maybe it will happen.
You are doing so good staying away from the crack. I know that has to be almost impossibly hard. It's a shame you mum is the way she is, but that is completely out of your hands. You have to do this for you. You are doing great. Just keep it one hour, one minute, one second at a time. It would be wonderful if you could get to some meetings, even if you don't like the program, don't want anything to do with it, whatever. If nothing else you will meet people who WILL support you. Just like the people here. One of the promises they make at the meetings is that "they will love you until you learn to love yourself." That is not BS. Allow yourself to open yourself up to some unconditional love. You deserve it. I'll keep you in my thoughts tonite. Take care.
Unfortunatly I had to lose pretty much everything in my life before I got to this point. I even tried to kill myself, and only through a series of events that can really only be called some sort of miricle, did I not succeed. For as long as I can remember I really didn't care anything about myself. I was lucky as I had many in my life who loved me even when I didn't. I still can't really say I love myself yet, but I can see a day when maybe it will happen.
You are doing so good staying away from the crack. I know that has to be almost impossibly hard. It's a shame you mum is the way she is, but that is completely out of your hands. You have to do this for you. You are doing great. Just keep it one hour, one minute, one second at a time. It would be wonderful if you could get to some meetings, even if you don't like the program, don't want anything to do with it, whatever. If nothing else you will meet people who WILL support you. Just like the people here. One of the promises they make at the meetings is that "they will love you until you learn to love yourself." That is not BS. Allow yourself to open yourself up to some unconditional love. You deserve it. I'll keep you in my thoughts tonite. Take care.
Raised from the Dead
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Chicago
Posts: 376
this program works no matter how far down we have fallen. i had a $100 a day heroin habit from age 21-25 and lived in the gutter. i too had resentments again my family when i came in. but i discovered that my addiction was of my own doing. resentments only hurt you...not the person you're resenting. we've all been wronged but mostly we wronged ourself. as far as being a "no-hoper"..there is no such thing. anyone willing to go to anything for sobriety will make it. you have to want it for yourself though. if you want a better life, make a meeting and tell everyone you're new. get a sponsor, work steps, and you will make it. how badly do you want this?
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Fear of change....
I agree with Glass...
Except I firmly believe ALL alcoholics, addicts, codependents are terrified of change..
I relapsed 3 times when I came to Step 4 in AA....the moral inventory..
Remember LC... those of us sharing have all been where you are when it comes to
fear of the unknown...
I relapsed twice when it came to Step Three..making a decision to turn my will and
lives over to the care of a God of my own understanding...
I said it was a "black box" I did not wish to open.
An old timer in AA cried one night as he said "Oh honey, I wish I could spare you the pain..
but I can't".
Share your fears as you are doing...I do believe you will come to believe in time.
Please do not harm yourself..and try to take the suggestions you have been offered
here. I wish I had listened ... I did not and paid a terrible price as did all those
who cared about me.
I If I could I would wave a magic wand and spare YOU the pain...but that is where
free will comes in...I cannot but you can!
Love,
IO
I agree with Glass...
Except I firmly believe ALL alcoholics, addicts, codependents are terrified of change..
I relapsed 3 times when I came to Step 4 in AA....the moral inventory..
Remember LC... those of us sharing have all been where you are when it comes to
fear of the unknown...
I relapsed twice when it came to Step Three..making a decision to turn my will and
lives over to the care of a God of my own understanding...
I said it was a "black box" I did not wish to open.
An old timer in AA cried one night as he said "Oh honey, I wish I could spare you the pain..
but I can't".
Share your fears as you are doing...I do believe you will come to believe in time.
Please do not harm yourself..and try to take the suggestions you have been offered
here. I wish I had listened ... I did not and paid a terrible price as did all those
who cared about me.
I If I could I would wave a magic wand and spare YOU the pain...but that is where
free will comes in...I cannot but you can!
Love,
IO
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