thiskidknows

Thank you for ur replies..I've read them and re-read them but I'm so angry at the moment to concentrate and take anything in. I've have counselling, and ended badly, I shut down I could feel the anger building up inside of me and i had to get out, I had to escape we talked of my mad mother, my relationship with my family (well the no relationship). I know we can't choose families, but how does a mother love 3 of her 4 children, how can a mother justify allowing and telling her eldest son to hit and kick the crap out of he's younger sister, 5 years he's junior, standing their watching as he smashes her head against the banister, her older sister biting herself and then telling mother it was me, and mum biting me although she saw my older sister do it. how do u have so much hate for ur own child that u wish them dead, that u had them tablets and tell them to do it properly, how can u love 3 of the 4 children u gave birth to, where did the connection between mother and daughter die. I'm so angry at the moment, not at mum at me for believing that she would ever treat me the same, I feel like i have to mourn a living person and I can't do that. Normally the love i have for my family keeps me alive, but they don't love me..its a joke. I don't want to be living in a world like this. I've tried cutting, i've tried smoking a joint, I've tried drinking a few pints, but nothing is calming me down or changing my mind of my next choice.

Anna

You can remove yourself LC, you can. You can mourn the loss of a living person. I did that. I had to and I moved on. It wasn't easy to accept that it would never be what I had wanted, but it was what it was.

thiskidknows

I'm sorry. I don't know how to do it, i want a family I want someone to care for me is that so bad.

Anna

It's not bad at all. That's what most of us want, BUT, when it's constantly causing you pain, it is not good. And, you have to care for yourself first. I think that's the only way it can work. Once you care for yourself, the rest will fall into place.

Aysha

I agree..Everything starts with you.
You need to love and respect yourself before you can expect anyone else to.
Its kinda like your aura.
If you dont give a confident self respectful aura of yourself...That kinda shows and other people vibe off that and will treat you no better than you treat yourself.
If that makes any sense.
You have it in you.
I really feel so much love and potential in you.
You need to quit holding it in and let it out.
Stop waiting for the next person to do what you need and do for you.
That is the ONLY way you will find peace.
I am always thinking of you.

I just heard this song and it reminded me of you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naXCGpABh9I

WILSON PHILLIPS LYRICS

"Hold On"

I know that there is pain
Why do you lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

[Chorus:]
Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day

You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin' your worries pass you by
Don't you think it's worth your time
To change your mind?

[Chorus]

I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains

Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day yeah
If you hold on

Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day,
If you hold on
Can you hold on
Hold on baby
Won't you tell me now
Hold on for one more day 'Cause
It's gonna go your way

Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can't you change it this time

Make up your mind
Hold on
Hold on
Baby hold on

thiskidknows

It does make sense, i just don't know where to start to like myself.

That song is so sad - but meaningful.

sorry keep being ill so this will be short, sorry.

Dee74

sorry you feel ill...as for not knowing where to start to like yourself... howsabout...

you're a good person, you always give kind compassionate replies to other people's threads, you write great real honest poetry and, importantly, you're not giving in...and you're a part of the gang round here now....we're a pretty weird group but I think of this bunch as my family....better than my real one anyway, cos I chose 'em...

All that to me is a good place to start !
take care
D

thiskidknows

I was being ill because I was triggered from a smell I couldn't escape, nice. I try to reply to others but never feel I can help as they want support from people who have been clean and I haven't, i'm useless to the world. I don't think any of u are wierd, I think u all amazing people I really do. Wish u guys were my family. everyone always ends up hating me, u guys will as well.I don't mean to be horrible and nasty, I hate it. am I such a bad person that I need punishing like this.

Dee74

LC, if I want support I don't much care whether it comes from a 20 year sober veteran or someone who just started trying, like you and me, so pls don't be discouraged from posting your own threads or replying to someone elses, OK ?

as for the rest, I've never seen you be horrible or nasty....and you've been here for nearly as long as I have...the best part of three months...I think if I was going to hate you it would have happened by now

D

cali

(((LC)))

I can't stay sober without a program, a fellowship. Left to my own devices, I also would continually pick up---and I DID FOR YEARS. Nothing changes if nothing changes--I had to put the stuff down and get a recovery program in place-and I am starting to like myself-after 30 years of hating myself.
There is hope---you've gotta Want it!

thiskidknows

Thank You Dee74..

That's what I'm like, I know that I won't do anything if left to my own devices, I will just disappear and become a statisc (sp). I was asked not to drink this week, one week....and monday came the first day, and after a few hours I had a drink.

I'm happy for u that u are liking urself, the worlds a lonely place when u don't like urself, which I'm sure u understand...for me, my only friend is drink, drink allows me to be me without feelings...but I want to be with me, with feelins and without a pint, or a line, or a joint in my hands. I do want it...I'm just unsure how I will cope, and that scares me, cause I know I won't reach out in "real time" if I cant cope...I guess on SR, u can choose to read, reply..if someone reaches out to u in "real time" I feel that choice is taken away from u, and I don't want to do that to anyone...that probably makes no sense. sorry