Change4life

This is like my hundreth million time trying to stop. well maybe I am exagerating, but it seems that way.

cyberwolf

And each time you learn something new. You learn a little tiny piece of information or advice and it WILL all come together Just don't give up until it does!!

Change4life

Im not ready to give up.
I do feel disgusting today. I feel friggiin dirty.
I dont remember having blackouts during most of my drinking career, but since ive been drinking again i had blackouts everynight. I hate that feeling.

2stop

********{Beth}}}}}

You are definitely NOT a loser! recovery is about changing behaviours and deep seated habits and erroneous thought processes. It is very very very difficult to change all that...but IS possible.

A saying I always told myself when I screwed up......"I may have fallen a thousand times, BUT I have picked myself up a thousand....and one!

NO ONE does recovery perfectly, no one gets better easy.....all your hard work WILL pay off....as long as you get back in the saddle again.

Maybe keep a journal...write it all down......keep it from mind trippin you, ya know? I know I used to beat myself up so bad....brutal. I demanded standrads from myslef I would NEVER even demand of an enemy.

This moment is all we got.....you're here..you're identifying what happened, you know what happened WAS not good for you. Awhile back you would've said to hell with it..and spent many posts telling me why there WASN'T ANY hope for you.....

You have grown more than you know my friend.....and remember. I had to tell myself this over and over...It ISN'T how I FEEL that matters.IT IS THAT I DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING! A special poster here named Paulie also shared something else with me..I cried when she would first tell me..and even feel very angry.because I just knew t couldn't be true FOR ME! It was this......As low as you have gone, is also how HIGH up and happy you CAN feel...and BE!

It's true.....I have experienced it..and so have many others. Keep doing the next right thing...the good feelings, the 'safe' feelings come later.....they truly do.

Warmest HUGS dear friend. I am so proud of you. In my opinion you haven't fell, so much as risen to the challenge...the challenge of recovery....and the courage of saving your life. You're here, posting and sharing, you admit what happened, and are trying your best....That rocks..I am so glad you're here.

Dee74

I'm with Tammie....
(((beth)))

D

Change4life

Relatively speaking I have risen from where I was, but I feel like I am stuck and cant work past where i am. I love you all so much. With out the support I would probably be in worse shape then I am .I do finally have a feeling that there is some hope as long as I do the right things. Its been a rough road and I have had many set backs, but this little chicky isnt giving up yet

xXBacktoBlackXx

Bfree4u, you seem like a really strong person. I know it's hard to feel that way amidst all this ********. Good luck with your friends. I do understand your dilemma. I have a graduation to watch on Sunday and will be reuniting with my old party friends. Ay. They're more than just party friends but that was always an aspect of our friendship. I know how difficult that is, that's all.

Change4life

Its four o'clock in the afternoon and I am just getting out of bed. I refused to et up today because I had no alcohol.
I finally had to make a choice, either get uo or **** in the bed.
I got up.

I have absolutely no money so buying booze is out of the question. If i could just use the sense I knoiw I have and stay home away from anyone that might buy or give me a drink, I will be onday one again. Tommarrow will be the same No money= no booze. Then by monday I should be clear headed enough to go to work.

I am suppose to be going to a Yankee game monday night and I have concerns about the drinking that goes on at the games.

If I make it throgh the weekend I will still be on very shaky ground Monday.

I guess I will worry about it when the time comes.

One day at a time.

2stop

((((((((Beth))))))))) Keeping in the moment helps me. I do remember just how difficult that was for me too though, so I totally sympathize with you. I really do. You have plenty of strength and brains and good sense my friend. Just remember we don't have to FEEL like we do...to ACT LIKE we do. I think you're doing great. Even though you are feeling really really crappy you still sound 100% more reasonable and committed to your recovery than awhile back.

Sending tightest, warmest HUGS your way, Beth. You hang in there. It won't always be such a struggle....one step at a time, one moment at a time, the days will add up. YOU ARE a strong person Beth, you really are. You have everything INSIDE of you that you need to succeed.....

cyberwolf

You said it

One day at a time. Tomorrow will happen whether we worry about it or not

Hark at me eh? Like I worry about EVERYTHING!!!

No seriously, you take care of yourself today, stay away from temptation if poss, so if you can don't go out to meet people who will buy for you. Stay around here and talk to the friends who won't buy you any drink. You can do this. Stay strong and keep posting

Hang in there

hugs

Change4life

I have been just officially asked to get off the computer. I am "on to much and this can wait" were his exact words. Apparently I have another problem I was unaware of. Let me go duke this one out I will be back

2stop

((((((Beth))))))

Change4life

This guy is a piece of work. my neighbors have a band I have been wanting to go over and see if they were any good, but I didnt know if they were drinkers or not so I have been putting it off. Dip **** over here wanted to drag me over there cause he likes to show me off. He get off on the attention and I try to avoid it. I went over and they were drinking so I played a few songs and left. It was ridiculously hard and unnecessary.. I should have stuck yo my isolation plan. I didnt drink, but it was almost painful watching them.
They asked me to come back cause they are in need of a good guitar player, but I dont think I am strong enough to go without drinking. Not to mention I think the drummer might have been on coke.
I am going to have to give this a lot of thought because they are a working band and I can uise the money.
Anybody have any thoughts on this?

cyberwolf

What an amazing step forward for you

Well done you

Be proud of yourself

You walked away from temptation - that is just amazing.

As for the long term band idea....maybe not what you want to hear but I truly think you need to be comfortable and happy with your choices in life before you put temptation your way on a regular basis.

Money is great to have but you can survive without a lot. You can not survive without your life.

I don't mean to put a damper on things I am just saying what I think is best for you and I may be wrong. I just think you need a lot of TLC from yourself right now.

But please recognise what you did and what you achieved tonight.

Change4life

Oh cyberwolf you havent put a damper on anything. Regardless of how much I want it. being in a working band right now would be sabatoge. Even if the members were clean, most of the places you play are bars, and in most of them you can find drugs. It never fails people always want to hang with the band and usually use the offer of drugs as a way in.
i really dont know why people get so exited over musicians.
I think that might be one small reason in my huge lists of reasons for getting f'd up.
For so many years I never knew if people liked me for me or what I represented.
It can really make you insecure.
I got to the point where i decided no one liked me, and just hung around for the some what more exiting life of a musician.
In a band surrounded by people, leave the band and its like where the hell did everyone go.
It doesnt do much for your self esteem

cyberwolf

Well for what it is worth i did not know you as a band member ( I guess noone really knows anyone online - but ya know what I mean) I didn't know you as a musician (what an amazing creative talent.)

But you have given me advice and helped me when things have been tough. I like you for what I know.

I realise that in reality doesn't help much but if you can make that impression over cyberspace, then you are worth a lot more than you give yourself credit for. You are a good kind and caring person - what more can you strive to be.

You can do this and deep down you know you can. There are many difficult and hard and even hurtful decisions to make but you CAN do this. Thank you for helping me. And that is said from my innerself not because you are x y or z but because you are YOU.

I am gonna head to sleepy land soon (23.50 here) but you hang in there and stay strong you are worth it and the fact you are on SR you know you are!!

hugs

Change4life

I wish I didnt feel so confused about t hings. I have trouble making decisions and that is why I am so wishy washy. I have to become more commited I think.