topetah

i feel so much better. once i hit that pillow after work i was out all nite. seems im so hungry today tho. must have really put my body threw some sh*t. i cant seem to get enough food. and i can tast my food today. my god you guys i really slipped hard. i guess we bar hopped those few days. i had people come up to me and say hey jay! how you feeling. to be honest i didnt even remember them. i really could have been killed on that bender. you see we hooked up with a girl at the bar. she said she had a good connection in kansas city. i really didnt think kansas was that bad. i was dead wrong. we ended up in a neighborhood that looked like something out of boys from the hood movie. i didnt know there were parts like that in kansas. we hooked up with 2 new dealers. and everytime we showed up they either had guns on the kitchen table where we were getting are stuff or i really remember picking up this dude in my car (i wasnt driving) but he had a glock on his lap. i guess thats how those people live out there. what a life. when i sobered up i remembered bits n pieces. but i really cant stop about thinking about those guns. i could have been shot and dumped in the river. we hooked up with an ice dealer late tues nite. that drug is sooooooo bad. i was hooked when i took it and once i couldnt sleep and seen shadows and whispers i told myself this sucks. well im glad to tell you im focused again and after work im packing up and early sat morning i will be at my new home. i thought were i lived was bad. its nothing compaired to kansas city. i live in disney land compaired to the city. i was cleaning out my car yesterday and found digital scales in my glove compartement. i dont know who or where they came from but it scared me to know they were in there. there not mine thats for sure. who knows.. well i must work now but i will be back here all day to post and read. im much better and im done with it all. why did i slip so hard? my shrink says maybe i did want to die. maybe he was right. but i know i want to live today...jason

Missymae737

Jason,

Thanks for making my day...I'm so glad you are feeling better...

You asked why did you slip so hard? I have heard it said numerous times that each time we go back out there, our disease gets more complicated, more painful, and harder to come back to sobriety...
I am so glad you made it back to us...

You can do this Jason, I know you can...

parentrecovers

thanks, topetah, for checking in.

do the next right thing, k

Rowan

You're playing with your life, Jason. I know you know it, but I needed to say it. They aren't just words - your son needs you.
Where was he when you were on your binge? Who was taking care of him?

topetah

my son was with my x wife. i was suppost to have him this wed but i told her i was sick and i didnt have him untill yesterday. no i didnt have him at all while i was on my binge. when i picked him up yesterday he was so excited to see me. i almost broke down and cryed. it was another reminder why i must stay sober. what would have happened if i got killed in the city. that would break his little heart. how many bullets must i dodge to get it right? im done dodging i want to live. i dont care if my life gets lonley and boring. its much better than what ive been doing. one more day and im out of there. it will be such a weight lifted once im back in the country with grandma. im so ready...jason

stone

Jason hi

Your coming here and admitting what you did is proof that you are on the road to recovery. If you didnt care, you wouldnt be here.

Rowan

Jason I used to fake sick to avoid seeing my kids too - I want you to know that I'm not judging you, because I've been there.
My life is anything but boring today - it's not as edgy, risky, whatever, but I can live with myself today and have real friendships.
If you are willing, I'll bet there is a lot of support for recovering people in your community. It's too hard to do this on our own. Why not try something different?

topetah

im sorry but i have been reading posts and i wish i could reply to some of the messages but me being right after a slip i dont think i would have the best advice. i just want you all to know i care and usually would post replys but right now im not able to be as supportive as you all have been with me. come monday i should be a chatty cathy again haha. thanks

parentrecovers

take your time. just glad you're back! k

BehindBlueEyes

Hi Topetah,

WOW!!
You didn't know KC was so hard-core huh?
There is a lot of "hood" in KC, I was just as shocked as you when I first saw it.
That's where I am, I think I may have told you that once before.

"that drug is sooooooo bad"
YES IT IS!
SO deadly SO addictive.

I know how you feel man.
Don't let it take you hostage like it did me. Please.

The best advice that I can give is to remember how good you "thought" that first hit made you feel.

Then...

Imagine a life feeling the exact opposite multiplied by a thousand.

ICE WILL TAKE EVERYTHING
FROM YOU---

IF-YOU-LET-IT!

I will be keeping you in my prayers. You deserve a grand life.
GO GET IT!!