Big help needed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
I am going to keep rabbitting on. My mind still goes a million miles an hour.
I am tucked up in bed. Safe and sound and feeling really quite relaxed. I didn't do anything much when I got home. I could have raced around and put away my mountains of washing. I will just be grateful today that it is clean and folded. At the beginning of the week that would have been impossible. I watched a movie instead. All the way through to the end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ummm. I get my children back for two weeks tomorrow. I pray I will have the strength to be available to them. Not as a cook and cleaner while I drink and not as a ghost in my house but as a real living Mum. That would be really really good. Even an improvement would be fantastic.
Priorities for tomorrow: Sober first. Loving me next. Real time with the children next (without resenting that I have to be responsible and can't drink). Housework 50th.
Good night and thank you so much for helping me get me through the day sober.
I am tucked up in bed. Safe and sound and feeling really quite relaxed. I didn't do anything much when I got home. I could have raced around and put away my mountains of washing. I will just be grateful today that it is clean and folded. At the beginning of the week that would have been impossible. I watched a movie instead. All the way through to the end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ummm. I get my children back for two weeks tomorrow. I pray I will have the strength to be available to them. Not as a cook and cleaner while I drink and not as a ghost in my house but as a real living Mum. That would be really really good. Even an improvement would be fantastic.
Priorities for tomorrow: Sober first. Loving me next. Real time with the children next (without resenting that I have to be responsible and can't drink). Housework 50th.
Good night and thank you so much for helping me get me through the day sober.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
steph... cuz you did the next right thing... simply put...
now the next time, if it comes... "DO IT AGAIN!!!"
we need you on the Bus... lol
wishen you all xxoo & blessings steph...
rz
I have no idea why I am not in a bar right now
now the next time, if it comes... "DO IT AGAIN!!!"
we need you on the Bus... lol
wishen you all xxoo & blessings steph...
rz
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Southwest
Posts: 52
Steph-
haven't spoken to you before, but WOW!! Great job.
You're showing us all how it's done...I haven't had a super stressful situation hit me like that yet since I've been sober (1 week), but when it does, I'm going to think of you. Thank you.
Hope
haven't spoken to you before, but WOW!! Great job.
You're showing us all how it's done...I haven't had a super stressful situation hit me like that yet since I've been sober (1 week), but when it does, I'm going to think of you. Thank you.
Hope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
HEY Lost. Good to see you here and helping me.
Taz - don't go giving me a big head buddy. That's how I got into this mess in the first place. Hehe.
I think I was leaving my HP at the door of my office. When I come here, I am in charge. I am the boss, the manager. I have to be strong and do my job and I am supposed to love the pressure. Well , I have decided (and it happened while I was drying my hair)to take him/her/it here with me as well. My day today has been more serene. Watch out competition. There is a new boss running the show. I will wait and listen and ask for guidance in my work as well as my personal life.
Funny - I used to think blow drying my hair was kind of extravagant and vain. I wished I had the sort of hair that was long and silky and would just dry naturally into a nice hairstyle. I was born with wavy thick unruly hair and I always hated it. So often, nowadays, I get messages when I dry my hair. My mind switches off and good ideas just come to me. HP moments. Just as well my hair is difficult!
Taz - don't go giving me a big head buddy. That's how I got into this mess in the first place. Hehe.
I think I was leaving my HP at the door of my office. When I come here, I am in charge. I am the boss, the manager. I have to be strong and do my job and I am supposed to love the pressure. Well , I have decided (and it happened while I was drying my hair)to take him/her/it here with me as well. My day today has been more serene. Watch out competition. There is a new boss running the show. I will wait and listen and ask for guidance in my work as well as my personal life.
Funny - I used to think blow drying my hair was kind of extravagant and vain. I wished I had the sort of hair that was long and silky and would just dry naturally into a nice hairstyle. I was born with wavy thick unruly hair and I always hated it. So often, nowadays, I get messages when I dry my hair. My mind switches off and good ideas just come to me. HP moments. Just as well my hair is difficult!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Here is something I wrote to my sponsor today about my AA meeting today with a couple of changes for clarity.
So I took minutes from the meetings going on in my head this morning. I had so much to say at today’s meeting. I had to write it down. Little Miss organised. So what? I thought to myself. That is just me. I like to be organised. I took notes sitting there while I was listening of things that might help. I thought that now I have so much sussed, maybe I can help.
I sat and listened for a while, preparing my “speech”. I have never not been asked to share.
I heard someone talk about exactly what I was going through and I took this as a sign that the meeting was definitely for me. After all, I am the new one right? Special and important.
WRONG.
It came to a man called Gavin (funny how I remember AAs names but that’s another story). He was in complete despair having been told his job was finished if he drank one more time. Then a chap called Greg. He hadn’t been to a meeting in a while and he had tried to kill himself the day before by driving off the road. His story made me cry. What a nice person I am I thought to myself to feel all this pain for a fellow sufferer. Then the woman sitting next to me piped up. Good grief I thought – don’t you think after all this that maybe you should just be listening? She started talking about what I decided was unimportant compared to the men we had just heard and then she said that she buried her Mom yesterday. My head finally went silent.
So that was my meeting. I never said a word but my eyes were opened to myself like never before.
When I got back to the office, a nice AA man rang to see how I was getting on today. He wanted to check on me but he didn’t have long. A desperate wife had rung and he had to take an AA who was drinking to the hospital soon. He told me how his friend from AA that he used to go fishing with shot himself this week and the death notice is in the paper today. He told me how the hospital meeting was in trouble because it had become crazy central and had lost sight of its purpose.
It is carnage out there. I am lucky.
P.S. the names thing is a hoot. I never remember people’s names. I would meet so many people and I had so much work and I was too important to remember names. I joked about how bad I was at it. Well I remember names of AA people so easily. I know their names – each one. I have met dozens in the last 5 days and I haven’t forgotten one of them.
So I took minutes from the meetings going on in my head this morning. I had so much to say at today’s meeting. I had to write it down. Little Miss organised. So what? I thought to myself. That is just me. I like to be organised. I took notes sitting there while I was listening of things that might help. I thought that now I have so much sussed, maybe I can help.
I sat and listened for a while, preparing my “speech”. I have never not been asked to share.
I heard someone talk about exactly what I was going through and I took this as a sign that the meeting was definitely for me. After all, I am the new one right? Special and important.
WRONG.
It came to a man called Gavin (funny how I remember AAs names but that’s another story). He was in complete despair having been told his job was finished if he drank one more time. Then a chap called Greg. He hadn’t been to a meeting in a while and he had tried to kill himself the day before by driving off the road. His story made me cry. What a nice person I am I thought to myself to feel all this pain for a fellow sufferer. Then the woman sitting next to me piped up. Good grief I thought – don’t you think after all this that maybe you should just be listening? She started talking about what I decided was unimportant compared to the men we had just heard and then she said that she buried her Mom yesterday. My head finally went silent.
So that was my meeting. I never said a word but my eyes were opened to myself like never before.
When I got back to the office, a nice AA man rang to see how I was getting on today. He wanted to check on me but he didn’t have long. A desperate wife had rung and he had to take an AA who was drinking to the hospital soon. He told me how his friend from AA that he used to go fishing with shot himself this week and the death notice is in the paper today. He told me how the hospital meeting was in trouble because it had become crazy central and had lost sight of its purpose.
It is carnage out there. I am lucky.
P.S. the names thing is a hoot. I never remember people’s names. I would meet so many people and I had so much work and I was too important to remember names. I joked about how bad I was at it. Well I remember names of AA people so easily. I know their names – each one. I have met dozens in the last 5 days and I haven’t forgotten one of them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Hi Dee - It takes me long enough to dry already!!!! Hehe
Thanks for reading. You know I don't really expect anyone to read my long strange posts. They are like brain dumps. Emptying all the rubbish. I have a really big need to get lots out. It helps.
So - while I am here ......again........
I felt sorry for myself this afternoon. It is a huge danger and it was the beginning of my slide last time. It comes at the end of the work day. Everyone I used to hang out with leaves and goes to a bar. I feel like they are leaving me. On purpose! I feel like they must know how I feel and they don't care. I feel like they are trying to hurt me.
My XABF who works with me heads off to meet old mates of mine. I feel suddenly lonely. It still gets me that he chose that over me and it grates that he gets agitated to leave work early because of his addiction. Working late was not a common occurrence in our office as you can imagine. I am still addicted so I get agitated as well. He gets to quench his craving. The force of addiction is still strong with me (I sound like yoda).
Making sboriety my first priority, I know I can't afford the luxury of such feelings and I know they are the voice of alcohol so I am telling you and I am going to pray that I can lose these feelings.
On the way home tonight, I was driving quietly listening to the radio. My son rang to make sure I was on the way. I was so pleased to be able to say yes and not make a lame excuse. He needed me tonight. He had a bad scrape on his knee. He sang in the shower. He is so cute.
Anyway, I was driving home and it occurred to me that I was not alone. There were lots of cars all driving home. Lots of people not going to bars. They were going home to be cosy with their families.
I rang my XABF 5 minutes ago. My daughter (18) is going into town tonight. She is going where I used to go. Same area. Karaoke later. That was one of my embarassing drunk habits....let's go SING! Ironic that she is staring to go out just as I am starting to stay home.
I was wondering if he could keep an eye out for her. He was so far gone. Took ages for him to ring back. He ranted that he was at the wrong end of town and that he hasn't been up "that" end of town for months (he used to go with his "Just a Friend" who just happened to be a cute blonde). He will have to leave town soon. I still feel a bit ick about the inevitable womanising. I must find a way not to care.
The ick feelings are my enemy. I can have them but I am risking hell so I have to get rid of them. Is it possible just to choose not to have them any more?
Thanks for reading. You know I don't really expect anyone to read my long strange posts. They are like brain dumps. Emptying all the rubbish. I have a really big need to get lots out. It helps.
So - while I am here ......again........
I felt sorry for myself this afternoon. It is a huge danger and it was the beginning of my slide last time. It comes at the end of the work day. Everyone I used to hang out with leaves and goes to a bar. I feel like they are leaving me. On purpose! I feel like they must know how I feel and they don't care. I feel like they are trying to hurt me.
My XABF who works with me heads off to meet old mates of mine. I feel suddenly lonely. It still gets me that he chose that over me and it grates that he gets agitated to leave work early because of his addiction. Working late was not a common occurrence in our office as you can imagine. I am still addicted so I get agitated as well. He gets to quench his craving. The force of addiction is still strong with me (I sound like yoda).
Making sboriety my first priority, I know I can't afford the luxury of such feelings and I know they are the voice of alcohol so I am telling you and I am going to pray that I can lose these feelings.
On the way home tonight, I was driving quietly listening to the radio. My son rang to make sure I was on the way. I was so pleased to be able to say yes and not make a lame excuse. He needed me tonight. He had a bad scrape on his knee. He sang in the shower. He is so cute.
Anyway, I was driving home and it occurred to me that I was not alone. There were lots of cars all driving home. Lots of people not going to bars. They were going home to be cosy with their families.
I rang my XABF 5 minutes ago. My daughter (18) is going into town tonight. She is going where I used to go. Same area. Karaoke later. That was one of my embarassing drunk habits....let's go SING! Ironic that she is staring to go out just as I am starting to stay home.
I was wondering if he could keep an eye out for her. He was so far gone. Took ages for him to ring back. He ranted that he was at the wrong end of town and that he hasn't been up "that" end of town for months (he used to go with his "Just a Friend" who just happened to be a cute blonde). He will have to leave town soon. I still feel a bit ick about the inevitable womanising. I must find a way not to care.
The ick feelings are my enemy. I can have them but I am risking hell so I have to get rid of them. Is it possible just to choose not to have them any more?
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