TiffPep91

I've been lurking a while...wavering between "I need this" and "Me...Alcoholic...NO" but today I've decided its quite obvious that I need to stop drinkin and if I don't I'm going to lose everything.
I'm married, I have a daughter who is almost two. I've been drinking since I was about 16...so 7 years. It didn't get really bad until I was 19. Since then the only time I have been sober longer than a week was when I was pregnant. In the last few months being drunk has pretty much been a daily occurence. And I am a HIGH functioning alcoholic. I feel like it makes me a better, calmer, more patient parent. A more efficient person. Only problem is I completely blackout, my memory is shot, I'm drinking our kid's savings, my boss is ready to fire me, and my husband is ready to leave with my baby...
So it's over. I'm done. Last night I drank 2 liters of wine, all the while telling my husband that I don't know what to do...he was disgusted...and then he held my hair while I vomitted.
I'm nervous about the next few days. Really nervous. My husband and I are both EMT's and know what withdrawal looks like and when it hits the dangerous level. I have some Valerian Root, some fish oil and am picking up scullcap tomorrow to control the anxiety. I've taken prescribed Xanax before but will not use prescription drugs. One dependance for another in my eyes...so we'll be safe. My husband would waste no time taking me to the hospital if need be...
I looked at inpatient facilities...but it just isn't happening. My husband just got released from a job because of an injury, he starts his old job on Monday...but I'm the breadwinner, the one with the insurance, the caretaker. So I cannot do it. I know my chances of success are really slim this way...but I've got to have faith that God will get me through this...

So anyway this was much longer than expected...I have no one to really talk to about this...most of my friends are my age (23) and drink just fine...

gypsytears

Hi tiffpep . You've found a great forum for support.You're an EMT so I'm sure you know quite a bit about alcoholism already... still there's a lot of good info on here to read. Try the stickies at the tops of the sections.

Your boss is ready to fire you over your drinking and you still can't get inpatient? Would out patient work for you?

In in NJ too... pm me if you like. You can never have too much support .

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

It sounds like you're ready to move forward with your choice to stop drinking. I am glad you both feel like you know what you're doing, but it is still a good idea to talk to your dr first.

I hope you take a look around the forums and read and learn and see some of the wonderful support that is found here.

Golfman

Tiff,

Welcome to SR. We were all very desparate at one time and we all know how your feel. I grew up in Cranford, NJ. Not there anymore, but still have a fondness for the state others love to make fun of.

You were very honest with your assessment of your situation. I know it seem impossible financially, but better to struggle in that area than to lose your job and your family. Keep in mind there's always intensive outpatient treatment available. I did that when I got sober. It started in the evening so it didn't interfere with my work.

Please get help as soon as possible.

Bless you, you are in God's hands,
Ed

nogard

Welcome to SR, a great place to play a part in your recovery.

TiffPep91

Thank you all for your responses!!! Really. Last time I talk to my doc about this (June of 06) she prescribed me xanax and told me to use that to curb the anxiety I thought was causing me to drink. I will see her this week. I have too much to lose.
As for my job, its more about my complete lack of focus. I run a small company for my mother (also an alcoholic, 12 years sober, currently off the wagon) and was pretty close to running it into the ground.
I've been looking at the intensive outpatient programs locally. One is 3 nights a week, 3 hours per session. I will call them tomorrow. I was just afraid they'd not allow me to do it if I am honest with my history.
Since I watched my mom through her recovery (rehab and months of daily meetins I had to go to With her) I have a general idea of how it all works. Just not how it will go for me. I know I don't know everything...everyone and every situation is different. But I've got to do it...for me. I'm tired of hating myself and pretty much slowly killing myself. I know tomorrow I'll feel like complete crap and think "Just one drink will make me feel better" but I truly know that for me, the AA mantra is true...one's too many and a thousand's not enough...that's how I know this needs to stop...

Anyway thank you again for your replies. I've been poking around (now that I see my join date I see I've been lurking for about 7 months!!! YIKES!)

Surlyredhead

Welcome Tiff, I am so glad you made the decision to stop drinking before you lost everytrhing. That is a great gift. Be strong, it will be sort of rocky at first, but in no time at all, you will begin to feel better. I suspect you will realize that you will be a better parent and a better person sober!!! Good luck, we are here.

SRH (Cathy)

GlassPrisoner

Welcome Tiff. Lot's of great support here.

Sounds like you're ready. We've all been there. I was out of work, divorced, my kids had moved out, and both of my cars were broken down some 140 odd days ago. After surviving (literally) the withdraw, I got my butt down to a local AA meeting. The rest, as they say, is history.

Good luck and God Bless.

jus2day99

I think it is great that at such a young age you think you have a problem. I could have come to recovery at the young age of 16 but I waited 21 years before I got sober. It takes what it takes. I did not consider myself a low bottom drug beside the fact that I was not being the best of wives and I was ending up with people I didn't know doing things I shouldn't. I got to the point fo almost wanting to murder my now ex-husband and planning for it. I was not a pretty creature. I drank most days and wine was my favorite. I want to AA meetings completely by accident on the heels of a cute guy I would have followed anywhere. I followed him into AA. Now I am not saying AA is for everyone but it does work for me. It taught me a way of living that is unsurpassed by any others I had tried before. I was at my bottom, losing my husband (no dah) my children(was possible than), my house, my savings and everything else. I didn't want to beleive I was an alcoholic. It was the best thing I ever did. I didnt want it and had sworn off ever going to AA as I went once and it wasn't for me. I went for all the wrong reasons and followed someone elses lead. I did what that cute guy did and after we broke up six weeks later I had to make a decision. Did this sobriety thing work for me and did I want to stay. I did and I kept coming back. One day at a time. Now I am 15years sober plus and I thank God for sobriety.

Lately I have been alittle sqirrely with job and economic insecurity but I am making it. I just get closer to the things that I know work for me.

Good luck to you a feel free to contact me at anytime. I can help you if you have questions or concerns about this whole sobriety thing.

Justy(aka Debbie)

gypsytears

Tiff... the IOP you mention sounds similar to the one I went to. Well, the 3 nights/ 3 hours part anyway. I found it very helpful. Not so much for the education part, but it definitely gave me some break in routine and something to focus on. I liked the group atmosphere and the counselors. Plus the random UA's provided that extra little motivational tool lol! I can't imagine honestly about your history would keep them from accepting you to their program. Give them a call.

CarolD

Hi and Welcome!

AA meeings are vital to my continuing sobriety.

Blessings

teej

Hiya tiff!!
Welcome to SR! I'm glad you found us. You can do this, just take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if need be. Those first days will pass by faster than you think. I was drinking 24 beers everyday, and I'm 36 days sober and feeling really good. I go to AA meetings and spend a lot of time on here. I drink lots of water and eat healthy, that helps too!

hugs,
tj

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, tiff. sounds like you're making some good decisions by looking at programs in your area. keep us posted on your progress. recovery is possible. blessings, k

Talluleh

Hiya tiff and welcome. Great place here, lots of support but since you've been lurking for a while you know that.

Rusty Zipper

tiff tiff, glad ya aint poke'n no more...

nice to see another surrender...

tiff, do you have a EAP... (emploment assistance program out there)?

IOP's another good choice...

remember... 10% drink'n... 90% think'n...

alll good wishes to you tiff...

xxoo, rz