Sobriety has never felt sooo good!
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 1
Sobriety has never felt sooo good!
I've been struggling with a cocain addiction (Rock cocain) for many years, and over the past several months, I have found a good measure of sobriety. It is now beiginning to feel 'good' being clean. I didn't think I would ever get to this point. My addiction haunted my dreams, my friends 'always' turned me on, and I craved my pipe like nothing else.
Now, I have abandoned all my old connections, and so called friends. I'm living on a horse ranch now; they are beautiful creatures, and they have been my therapy lately. I find it difficult to find new friends, so I have been isolating myself, which can be a bit burdensome, as I have always been quite social. Thank God for internet forums; if it were not for those, I would be a desperately lonesome man.
I hope to someday make new friends who will encourage my sobriety. I cannot be around people who use drugs, or drink, as they influence me too much, and being as weak as I am, I would fall right back into my addiction.
(This probably true for many addicts, so I don't feel so alone in this.)
I do have my family, which I see often... Uncles, aunts, cousins, parents, and grandparents are all very supportive. I'm thankful that they did not abandon me through all those years of abuse. I had hurt many of them; I lied, I stole, and even became aggresive towards some of them, but they hung in there, and paitently stood by, and offered thier help as I slowly destroyed my life.
I went to rehab years ago, but it didn't take. It was merely my attempt to get family members off my back because of my drug use. I didn't think I needed to quit, and I never truly realized how much the addiction effected my life. Then, years later, sometime last winter, Something happened to me. I sat down, and reflected upon my life as an addict. It was because of this reflection that I ultimately found my will to quit. Oher things have certainly happened since then that also contributed to my sobriety, (One was facing criminal charges) but it was the reflection, and understanding of the damge caused by my drug use that ultimately fueled my desire to sober up.
I can't say how long I've been clean for sure, but its been long enough for it to result in a "very" good feeling.
I like writing poetry; it helps to release some things that weigh me down. I wrote about the way I felt last winter, and the reflection that ultimately led to my current sobriety. If you don't mind, I would like to share it with you all, as it was a turning point in my life, and still helps to this day when I read those written words as a reminder of where my addiction took me, and how much it effected my life.
I call it "Reflections of an addict" It consists of two parts: "The Rose", and "Empty". Maybe, it will help others reflect on their own addictions, and help lead them to the first step towards recovery like it did me. (One can only hope)
"Reflections of an Addict" (Parts I & II)
Part I
“The Rose”
In the failing bloom
of a wilting rose
I find the reality
of what my life has become.
Petals fall
They dry
They crumble in the cool winters breeze.
The beauty that once was
hides her passion
behind the passion of another kind,
replaced by nothing less
than total emptiness.
I bid you all to witness
the future of a foolish soul
as I gaze into this dying flower
reflecting on what I have become.
I realize now...
I was never beautiful at all.
Only in my own mind.
Thorns prevail against the flower.
Heartless
Soul-less
Lifeless
They stand firm
causing pain
to all who dare to hold my hand
Addiction is my end
It was the end of those who loved me
Ugly and now alone...
Why would anyone want to hold
a dead and lifeless rose?
Part II
“Empty”
And I remember yesterday.
It seems so long ago.
My life was full of promise,
full of hope,
and full of opportunity.
Easy dreams graced my days,
and rainbows shared
their pots of gold.
My sunset demeanor
gave me life,
and filled my youth
with brilliant color.
I remember long ago . . .
Funny, it seems like only yesterday.
Life reached out
before my eager feet
waiting for each step to take.
Walking tall, and unafraid
even as bold
as a raging bull,
I took each step
in confidence
believing in all I was.
Isn’t it funny how things can change
in what seems like a drop of a dime,
and how such confidence
can be turned inside out,
leaving a vibrant man
as cold as stone?
No more pots of gold,
or easy dreams.
No sunset demeanor
to color my days.
No more hope
to set the walking pace,
and no more boldness to carry on.
I’m empty.
p.s. It's nice to have found this place. Perhaps I can make some friends here who are in my shoes?
Much Love,
--JunkYard--
Now, I have abandoned all my old connections, and so called friends. I'm living on a horse ranch now; they are beautiful creatures, and they have been my therapy lately. I find it difficult to find new friends, so I have been isolating myself, which can be a bit burdensome, as I have always been quite social. Thank God for internet forums; if it were not for those, I would be a desperately lonesome man.
I hope to someday make new friends who will encourage my sobriety. I cannot be around people who use drugs, or drink, as they influence me too much, and being as weak as I am, I would fall right back into my addiction.
(This probably true for many addicts, so I don't feel so alone in this.)
I do have my family, which I see often... Uncles, aunts, cousins, parents, and grandparents are all very supportive. I'm thankful that they did not abandon me through all those years of abuse. I had hurt many of them; I lied, I stole, and even became aggresive towards some of them, but they hung in there, and paitently stood by, and offered thier help as I slowly destroyed my life.
I went to rehab years ago, but it didn't take. It was merely my attempt to get family members off my back because of my drug use. I didn't think I needed to quit, and I never truly realized how much the addiction effected my life. Then, years later, sometime last winter, Something happened to me. I sat down, and reflected upon my life as an addict. It was because of this reflection that I ultimately found my will to quit. Oher things have certainly happened since then that also contributed to my sobriety, (One was facing criminal charges) but it was the reflection, and understanding of the damge caused by my drug use that ultimately fueled my desire to sober up.
I can't say how long I've been clean for sure, but its been long enough for it to result in a "very" good feeling.
I like writing poetry; it helps to release some things that weigh me down. I wrote about the way I felt last winter, and the reflection that ultimately led to my current sobriety. If you don't mind, I would like to share it with you all, as it was a turning point in my life, and still helps to this day when I read those written words as a reminder of where my addiction took me, and how much it effected my life.
I call it "Reflections of an addict" It consists of two parts: "The Rose", and "Empty". Maybe, it will help others reflect on their own addictions, and help lead them to the first step towards recovery like it did me. (One can only hope)
"Reflections of an Addict" (Parts I & II)
Part I
“The Rose”
In the failing bloom
of a wilting rose
I find the reality
of what my life has become.
Petals fall
They dry
They crumble in the cool winters breeze.
The beauty that once was
hides her passion
behind the passion of another kind,
replaced by nothing less
than total emptiness.
I bid you all to witness
the future of a foolish soul
as I gaze into this dying flower
reflecting on what I have become.
I realize now...
I was never beautiful at all.
Only in my own mind.
Thorns prevail against the flower.
Heartless
Soul-less
Lifeless
They stand firm
causing pain
to all who dare to hold my hand
Addiction is my end
It was the end of those who loved me
Ugly and now alone...
Why would anyone want to hold
a dead and lifeless rose?
Part II
“Empty”
And I remember yesterday.
It seems so long ago.
My life was full of promise,
full of hope,
and full of opportunity.
Easy dreams graced my days,
and rainbows shared
their pots of gold.
My sunset demeanor
gave me life,
and filled my youth
with brilliant color.
I remember long ago . . .
Funny, it seems like only yesterday.
Life reached out
before my eager feet
waiting for each step to take.
Walking tall, and unafraid
even as bold
as a raging bull,
I took each step
in confidence
believing in all I was.
Isn’t it funny how things can change
in what seems like a drop of a dime,
and how such confidence
can be turned inside out,
leaving a vibrant man
as cold as stone?
No more pots of gold,
or easy dreams.
No sunset demeanor
to color my days.
No more hope
to set the walking pace,
and no more boldness to carry on.
I’m empty.
p.s. It's nice to have found this place. Perhaps I can make some friends here who are in my shoes?
Much Love,
--JunkYard--
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