OnceNice

Well, the girl I usually go drinking with on Tuesday emailed me and said she could NOT go. How lucky was that. So I ran home on my lunch hour let my cat Barney out. Got a bottled water. Came back to work. Went to Walgreens after work and got my antidepressants. Went Grocery shopping and spent way too much money. Got home at 7:00. At a sandwich, salami and cheese sandwich, drank a coke. And went to bed at 10:00. Dreamt about my Cat Clementine that she wasn't really dead and that some ex boyf came back and I threw him out. But I did not drink.

This morning I had my coffee and cigs (i'm not giving that up yet), ate a banana and here I am.

How do I feel. Well, Tired, and I'm still sweating. I hate that.

This sounds so boring to me. Doesn't sound like much of an exciting life, but I guess sitting home getting plowed on my couch alone doesn't sound too exciting to others ya think?

I'm going to AA meetings only once a week for now with my friend Rob. We go on Sundays. I went last sunday. I still dread going to those. But I'm going.

Sorry I'm posting so much, but it finally seems to be helping. I'm not so much worried about what you all are thinking about me and I'm actually paying attention to what you are saying. I did not do that before, But that could change. That's the scary part. Now its good, but my mind might sneak something stupid in it and change my thinking. That happens a lot. Thanks for listening AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.

Anna

OnceNice, this is great news! You're doing great and you might feel like it's not very exciting, but things will change for you. Actually, I was very happy to give up the chaotic alcoholic lifestyle and settle into a peaceful existence.

I'm glad you're doing so well.

janeeyre

((((((ROSE))))))

I AM VERY, VERY, GLAD FOR YOU.

It will get better, the sweating will go away soon, and you will be so proud of yourself. Heck, you should be proud of yourself right now! YOU'RE DOING IT!!

OnceNice

I guess so. But you know I've been here before and then I get cocky. Then I drink again. And that first drink after not drinking for awhile is what is hanging on in my mind. How good it will taste. But I know that after I take that first sip It'll go back to how it was. Not even tasting it. Just drinking mechanically. I'm kinda scared but still trying.

Anna

You know that's your 'addict mind' talking to you and you know it will lead you to a bad place. Talk back and let it know that you're the boss. Remember how hard you've worked and don't let it go OnceNice! You can get through this today!

janeeyre

It makes sense to be scared; I'm afraid sometimes, too, that I will mess up and take it to the point of no return. But I have to kick that thought out of my mind and focus on PROGRESS.

Think of alcohol as your enemy--the enemy you refuse to listen to. It only wants to trap you and keep you prisoner to it, but you've broken away from it. Now you just have to put as much distance between you and your enemy as you can. Alcohol has enjoyed running your life, now it's time for you to kick its butt. :uzi2:

You can do it! You already are.

OnceNice

But once you start saying you can't do something, don't you want it more. Like dieting or not smoking or anything. It just seems like this can be controlled. That this is so much in the head than pumping through my cells like a disease that they say it is. That's the powerless part. But once you say you can't do something, don't you want to try and to it right? Isn't that human nature. What makes this such a disease. Why is this different than dieting or exercise or smoking. Is smoking a disease. What is the difference between a disease and an addiction. You can't control cancer, but you can control habits. I'm probably making excuses. Rationalizing too much.

c'est la vie

It sure seems like it. My brain is having a heyday with me today. I'm putting on my boxing gloves and fighting it off. I don't know if I would call it a disease (but I sure don't want to start a debate), but I do believe that there is a chemical imbalance in your brain. It's sent even more out of whack with the addition of alcohol. Left alone it just sends slight signals to get you to drink, but when you drink, the imbalance goes haywire and demands that you have more. I didn't mean to get too wordy. I guess I need to hear myself today.

It's great to hear about your week!

Hope

That is great! Each day you stay sober will build confidence in you that you can make it through the next day. Make it through that day and then repeat it the next. When the thoughts get too much, don't think about tomorrow at all..it is all about today. Anyone can stay sober for 24 hours.

I'm here rooting for ya!!

OnceNice

Yeah, I dont want to start a debate either. I just want to quit worrying about what I'm thinking. See I try to logically come up with a reason. I guess the my only reason that I need is drinking causes me problems. That should be reason enough.

Erin

I'm glad you made another day!!!

I think everyone has a reason for quitting drinking. I think your reason is great.

My reason was I was going to cross the line - loss my job, my apartment, and myself. I hated myself drinking. Oh and it was starting to get really boring.

And as far as life being boring - it's all in how you look at it. What you described above of what you did last night - I do lots of nights - no Coke but almost everything else. Lots of people live like that.

I think lots of people with addictions are also addicted to drama and chaos in their lives.

Congrats on another day!!!

StrongR2Day

I was a bit early with my one week congrats. But here it is today.

You did it!

Don't let the booze try to seduce you. It's a notorious liar.

janeeyre

I agree, Rose. When I'm told I can't have something I automatically fixate on that one forbidden thing and then want it more. But I guess when I decided not to drink, it was MY decision to kick alcohol out of my life. Maybe it helps all the mind games to think of it this way, as our own personal choice--nobody else telling us not to drink.

I don't care whether or not it's a disease, I just want to be done with all the mind games that come along with it. I hold out hope that someday it won't be such an intense, day-in-day-out mental struggle.

But for today we all have to deal with whatever is going on at the moment.

Sorry for rambling so! I guess I'm doing my thinking "out loud" (er, via keyboard...)

Anyway, we're all here with you today, Rose!

Take care,
Jane

OnceNice

I hope i did this quote thing right. Never did it before, but I like that being done with the mind games. It sure does screw with your head. Drunk or not. Seems so odd that this nonliving thing can mess me up so. Its just a darn liquid and I shouldn't let a liquid control my life. I need to look at it like any other inanimate object. I wouldn't let a glass of milk or a chair control me. Why this.

janeeyre

I love the way you think, Rose!

This sounds totally silly, but yesterday I let a bag of Sun Chips control my life! I was hungry for a snack, but the ONLY thing that sounded good was Sun Chips. Of course I hopped right in the car and got my bag of chips. Well, better chips than wine, huh?

OnceNice

Yeah, Food is really easy to let contrl me too. I've gain 9 POUNDS since this. But you know I can remember what it taste like lately. Ha. I used to BBQ steaks three sheets to the wind. (Fire and Beer, smart huh) and eat this Steak Baked Potatoe, Salad Corn on the Cob and wake up the next day not even remember I ate it. I've BBQ a couple of times now. I was thinking how cool it would be to drink a beer while doing it, but I guess I can't have just one. Like a freaking Lay potatoe chip. Wonder if there are any LPA meetings.

12 step program for Lay Potatoe chips. ha. No one can eat just one.

michski

That's what happens to all of us .. Hopefully you'll recongnize that "cocky" voice inside your head this time around and not let one momentary urge impact your life in such a hugely negative way.

Don't let your past become your future!

Congrats on 7 days! You are fighting the fight of your life!

laurie6781

One thing I learned for me early in sobriety is I did not say to myself "I can't drink anymore."

Instead I kept repeating to myself and out loud "I just won't drink today." "I just won't drink today." That became my mantra so to speak and somehow it HELPED A LOT. My mind (my addiction) stopped dwelling on "I'll never do it again" lol. It became just for today and slowly the One Day At A Time really sunk in and that was many many ODAATs ago now.

Rose, you are "Just not going to drink TODAY." It won't hurt to try it. What the heck, give it a go.

The "simplier" I kept things for me early in recovery the better it was.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

miss communicat

Rose,

Actually, 7 days sober IS really exciting! At least, it is for me when I read its you who is sober 7 days. I am so inspired by you and am glad for each and every post you make. Don't stop!

PaperDolls

Rose,

I can't tell you how proud I am of you. You're thinking is really healthy, it seems. Those negative thoughts will always sneak up on you, it happens to all of us. You just have to remain in control of them, just like you've been doing.

You are an inspiration!


hugs,
doll