brdlvr

I understand. I started drinking at 15 and am now 39. I drank through college, then dated alcoholics and drank every night with them, now it's just the weekends. I am a binge drinker. The reason I don't drink during the week is not for lack of desire, it's knowing that when I start, I do not want to stop. I used to only drink Friday and not the next day when I'm hungover, then it was the next day - even when sick. Then not Sunday's or I'd stop at say 6 pm as I had to work the next day. Now, I have drank on Sunday's and won't stop until I pass out. I chock down a beer or wine to keep the buzz the next day. I too feel sometimes hey, it's only weekends, it's just beer etc. But really, I can't say I wouldn't drink during the week if I lost my job or in several years when I retire. What then? Progressive for sure. And I too have thoughts well, I'm not at bottom, but I've seen from an ex just how deadly alcohol is and what other say is right - you don't have to go all the way down to quit. Trying to keep that in my head too.

cupressus

That is a long story indeed. Thank you for sharing with me.
I would never ever go back to work in a bar, because I know I would start drinking on the job. Thank God that even drinking during the last years I had enough power to complete a course in IT, which I learnt originally at the university, and thus have a very good my-type of abstract work that when I do it, I am completely lost in it. This is what keeps me sane. We have a week of on-call once every 2 months. You may get phonecalls overnight to fix big problems and have to be on focus. I have these weeks free of drinking no problem. But when it is over, time for "celebration", my god... you can imagine...

As of my boyfriend, he is not an alcoholic. He is a true social drinker. When I start drinking at home, he only starts drinking with me if I (after a couple of beers) start giving him a hard time saying he should rather go home because it bothers me that he is sitting around "dry". He rather drinks some beers with me than going home. He gets of course wasted about once a month when he goes out with his friends, but sometimes even then, he just drinks 3-4 beers.
He often expresses that he thinks it is a very bad habit to drink at home, it is "low class" and we should rather go to a pub even if it costs more. But of course, I do not want to go anywhere, because the point is not in going out, it is the alc, that is already there. Then I tell him agressively that he is free to go anywhere if he cannot leave me alone. Then he becomes quiet and the next day we are both really sad. I want to stop torturing him with this.

cupressus

But you are also looking for that dizzy feeling when you feel you could do anything, making plans, sensing music a lot better, and believing things will change from Monday? Is this the "buzz"?

brdlvr

Hi - yes, I guess that's it. But then sometimes while drunk, I know I look like crap, I look the part of a drunk at the bar (looking rough), but at the time, it's great "fun" being carefree - but when I sober up - Ugh. The hangover, the asking friends what I did as I black out etc

cupressus

I just discovered something. Sitting here cross-legged, with a glass of ice tea, the notebook in my lap, my hair nicely done, wearing nice clothes and even makeup, having my boyfriend play around with his hobby, and me just reading under the dim reading light and the cat sleeping next to me, gives me exactly the fantastic déjávu of when I was a kid, home in the evenings with my brother, both completely engaging in all activities that kids can get so lost in. I feel safe and happy. I feel like a child in her room playing after dinner, until bedtime.

Anna

That is the joy and the pleasure of sobriety. It's very simple.

CarolD

Congratulations for seeking answers to your drinking.

Alcoholism is a disease and it is progressive.
I suggest you get more factual info

My favorite book on alcoholism is
"Under The Influence"
and it has a sequel..."Beyond The Influence"

Both can be ordered from Amazon...

Blackouts are explained on page 119 in "Under"

Glad to see a new member...we do understand and you are not alone.

Blessings...

cupressus

Thank you both...

notsurewhat

Thats so awesome. I remember when I could be a peace with an Icetea in my back yard.
I loved reading my books. Stick with the ice tea and the peace...
I'm so not one to give advice,but I so miss those days...

cupressus

Of course you can give advices, you are within the problem, like me.
I have not had a sober weekend once since last summer when I got ill with high fever (apart from my on-call weeks, but that is not very peaceful).
I am still a bit worried about tomorrow evening, but the first ice tea - reading - calm Friday and Saturday for a year. I did not think it would happen, but it did.
I feel it has to do a lot with me starting posting here late last night for the first time.

I cannot explain how relaxing it is to be beyond the decision that I won't drink today, and think about other things. I feel like my blood pressure and pulse is down to that of a yoga guru:]

I saw your cessation plan to end the struggle you are in, and it looks good to me. On September 9, you may be reading in peace with a glass of ice tea, just like I am now.

cupressus

Not to mention, that we still have the 3 beers in the fridge, and a whole bottle of Unicum (40% liquor). But they need a rest, too:]

Anna

That's so true Cupressus, when you decide you are no longer going to drink, it frees your mind to do so many other things. I couldn't believe the amount of time I devoted to thinking about when I was going to drink and what and where.

I'm glad you're feeling good.

cupressus

It is 5:42 AM here and I have not been able to sleep for the last 4 hours. I have a horrible headache and my period's hateful pain feels like a 300 pounds somebody is sitting on my belly. I first thought of getting one of those 3 beers but I feel ill enough that imagining the taste and the sting makes me sicker. This abdominal is pain is only relieved anyway by a shot of Jaegermeister or similar, but I don't want to drink anything that has any taste at all. We are out of bottled water. Have to let the lukewarm tapwater out. Please please all Gods and Godesses and Allahs and Jahves and Jahs and electron spins please let me have some sleep..

2dayzmuse

Finding sleep is a bugger early on in sobriety. I think the only thing you can really do is try to do your best to weather the storm and relax. I know it can be maddening, but find sober strength. Sleep will come in time.

wandering star

i havent slept in years... try melatonin for the first few days w/out alcohol. its works really well and you dont feel like sh*t in the am.
I am loving sobriety

that's exactly how life should be

clear headed, focused, content...

regular life... no drama.

mygirls_mylife

Hi, I am really tired and heading off to bed, but i did want to say a BIG WELCOME!!!!! I will get in on the posts tomorrow. Have a wonderful sober day!!! Oh, and my 3rd night was the worst for withdrawal and detoxing. It gets better; it truly does. You will start to realize how wonderful life can be without alcohol.

cupressus

I was a terrible insomniac before I started knocking myself out with marijuana then later alcohol. I think that is returning, but I'd rather be insomniac now than dependent. I have a strong aversion against any type of medication since a shocking childhood hospital experience. I barely took a painkiller even on my worst hangover days. So I will have to return to turning the light on to read a bit if I can't sleep.

I feel nice today though a bit tired. I caught myself making plans. (Swimming pool, window cleaning : ) It is good to feel physically capable of doing things.

TexasDawn

Hi Cupressus,

Sorry to take so long to get back to your last reply. I wanted to say hi, and let you know that I have been reading through the rest of the posts on this thread this morning. Sounds like you've gotten a lot of good responses from
2dayzmuse and others. I'm glad that you are still posting here and sharing your story and your thoughts with us.

It's not a problem with me if you don't believe in God. I respect other people's beliefs. Problems with alcohol and other addictions is the common thread that binds us all.

I can also understand if you don't want to go to AA. I did not go to AA for over ten years, but I just started going back because I felt like I had reached a point of desperation and I knew that AA had helped me in the past.

I had a relapse two years ago and then I drank a few times a week (or more) for nearly the entire two years, until I just quit again recently (two months ago). It seemed like the alcohol was working for me, but then I felt like it started to betray me. I started blacking out and doing stupid things that could have hurt my marriage....like picking up the phone and calling an old boyfriend. I could barely remember doing this the next day. I was mortified. Also, I drove drunk a couple of times to go out and get more alcohol. I've never had a DUI, but that's either due to good luck or the grace of God.

Anyway, long story short, the advantages of drinking became outweighed by the disadvantages. The shame, the guilt, and the risks I was taking were just too much. That's why I finally knew I had to quit. I think that's why rockbottom is different to different people. For me, it was knowing that I have a good life (good marriage, great kids, etc...) and here I was risking all of that with alcohol. It felt like I was playing Russian Roulette with my family. My parents got divorced when I was a teen and did a lot of other things that hurt me, and I swore that I would never do those things to my kids, and here I was starting to do some of the same things.

So that's my story; we all have different stories, but we have a lot in common too.

I hope you are feeling a bit better today. (PMS and that time of the month are a bummer! Sorry to any men reading this post who don't want the details. Ha ha. Maybe we should move this discussion to the Women's section. LOL. Nah! It's good for the men to know what we have to put up with. LOL)

cupressus

Dear TexasDawn,

thank you for your reply. It looks like there is no way back to "normal" drinking, or at least I have not read any success stories about that yet on this forum. Even though that was my original purpose, I am getting insecure if that is possible. I know I have all my friends going out 1 or 2 times a week and drinking rough, and I don't know if I would enjoy that with a juice, everyone acting crazy and yelling and laughing about really stupid jokes... I feel I have not gone that far, but the blackouts and me posting here and all that indicate it is indeed progressive.
Regarding PMS, I do not have that, PMS applies to the days before, but I am seriously suffering the first 2 days of my period every time, which made me dead drunk every month to survive it. I read about some sort of gymnastics that might help me out and I will try that. I would not think this could offend any men, I feel we live in the 2006 century and we can talk about it with normal words, I was not going to go into supernaturalistic details or anything, but if mentioning it bothers people, please tell me! (Or was I just not using the right expressions? . Sorry, I am not a native English speaker.)

I am sad to hear about drunken driving, I did it one single time and police caught me on a totally empty bridge about 100 meters from where I live and made me sit in their jeep for 3 hours while they were stopping other cars and giving me a hard time. It was so humiliating I never did it again. They allowed me to go home in the end but told me really scary stories about what they saw while there were working. They were very mad because they saw that I was young. I never drove drunk again.

cupressus

I think I know what you mean with your aunt. One of my Exes had a grandmother who had been drinking so constant for many years, that when she got to hospital with a broken leg, the doctors told her not to stop. I am sorry about your aunt. I definitely do not want to live like that. Then I rather hit bottom as soon as possible.

I myself used to win spelling and grammar contests at primary school, and recently I have realized, I make mistakes or stop to hesitate about correct spelling. I caught myself writing pane instead of pain in one of the previous posts. It is also due to not reading any more. I found myself having trouble solving simple differential equations although I learnt to be a mathematician at university. I learnt 3 foreign languages between the age of 10 and 18 fluent. I won a chess contest. I won translation contests. I could learn anything until I started smoking and drinking. I wonder if that ever comes back...