Class of July 2013 Part 53
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,877
Originally Posted by Calmerwaters 
Hi All - Firstly, I just want to say, I haven't had time to catch up on any posts. I tried logging in last night, but had password probs and got locked out for a bit - but I did see Snooz maybe you are a bit down lately? I'm sorry to hear this and also please know I just saw your posts on my page, but I can't answer them til I have 5 posts as Calmerwaters. yikes, I better get posting!
Life has been super-busy, but I do think of you all often. I will try and post a bit longer and catch up, but I've had some news, just with busy-ness haven't posted.
I got engaged a few weeks ago. Probably married within the next 6-10 months. 12 months seems way too long to wait. In fact, we may not even wait the 6 months - it was just a random number so we had time to get organised. Both of us had very low-key first weddings, and as most of you original Julyers may know - I called off my last engagement which was a couple years into my serious drinking career. Sobriety was about dealing with the shame and regret of hurting someone so badly, and really grieving that relationship and forgiving myself.
In my first go at sobriety in 2013/14, I was plagued by my guilt of drinking and the people I hurt. My original avatar when I joined here were White Tulips, which I later found out ironically signified 'forgiveness'. Some of my healing came through dreams, which at first haunted me, then in other ways provided ways for me to forgive myself and re-enact past stuff ups in my life. I've never spoken a lot about the vivid dreams I have had at different points of my recovery, but they have heralded different phases of my recovery.
Anyway, this is a very long post to say that for all the pain and work of sobriety, that somehow things I never imagined could happen, have.
Life has been super-busy, but I do think of you all often. I will try and post a bit longer and catch up, but I've had some news, just with busy-ness haven't posted.
I got engaged a few weeks ago. Probably married within the next 6-10 months. 12 months seems way too long to wait. In fact, we may not even wait the 6 months - it was just a random number so we had time to get organised. Both of us had very low-key first weddings, and as most of you original Julyers may know - I called off my last engagement which was a couple years into my serious drinking career. Sobriety was about dealing with the shame and regret of hurting someone so badly, and really grieving that relationship and forgiving myself.
In my first go at sobriety in 2013/14, I was plagued by my guilt of drinking and the people I hurt. My original avatar when I joined here were White Tulips, which I later found out ironically signified 'forgiveness'. Some of my healing came through dreams, which at first haunted me, then in other ways provided ways for me to forgive myself and re-enact past stuff ups in my life. I've never spoken a lot about the vivid dreams I have had at different points of my recovery, but they have heralded different phases of my recovery.
Anyway, this is a very long post to say that for all the pain and work of sobriety, that somehow things I never imagined could happen, have.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,688
Morning Julyers
We was going to Normanby Park yesterday for a walk round, they’re having a bank holiday do, but the queues to get in where way back so, defeated we came home. Going again this morning but as soon as they open, so hopefully we’ll get in!
Have a good day
We was going to Normanby Park yesterday for a walk round, they’re having a bank holiday do, but the queues to get in where way back so, defeated we came home. Going again this morning but as soon as they open, so hopefully we’ll get in!
Have a good day
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,688
Lovely steady walk around Normanby Park, there was lots of food stalls , Spanish, Greek, Polish, Indian, amazing foods. Came away with some Indian food. Lots going on for the kiddies and the weather was gorgeous.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
A little down tonight.
Daughter decided to use my past drinking to berate me during an argument.
Seems the past is never far away. Even when I try to forget ,others that I have hurt don't.
And honestly I don't blame them.
But, you know I can't change the past. Only make the future better.
I'm sure others have gone through this as well.
Even approaching 5 years of sobriety.
Still hurt.
Daughter decided to use my past drinking to berate me during an argument.
Seems the past is never far away. Even when I try to forget ,others that I have hurt don't.
And honestly I don't blame them.But, you know I can't change the past. Only make the future better.
I'm sure others have gone through this as well.
Even approaching 5 years of sobriety.
Still hurt.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,517
I'm sorry Bob....that's really hard.....but you know, people we love do that....get upset and bring up past stuff, no matter what it is....really....we (as recovering alcoholics) are pretty sensitive and I dunno, maybe like me you still feel guilty? So it smarts extra. But it's just what people who love each other do (crazy though it might seem) when we are upset.... 
❤️❤️
❤️❤️
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,877
((((Bob))))
It was unfair of your daughter to berate you about your drinking past during an argument. I think that sometimes people (maybe especially people of the female gender) find it hard to stick to the matter at hand during arguments. My bet is that your daughter feels bad about bringing up your drinking past and using it to hurt you.
More hugs.
It was unfair of your daughter to berate you about your drinking past during an argument. I think that sometimes people (maybe especially people of the female gender) find it hard to stick to the matter at hand during arguments. My bet is that your daughter feels bad about bringing up your drinking past and using it to hurt you.
More hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
I suppose there will always be a closet with skeletons in it. I had hoped that one day she would realize how hard it was to stop. And in some way admire me for doing so. But, that's just a wish.
Maybe later in life. Goodnight.
Maybe later in life. Goodnight.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,877
Originally Posted by resolute50
I suppose there will always be a closet with skeletons in it. I had hoped that one day she would realize how hard it was to stop. And in some way admire me for doing so. But, that's just a wish.
Maybe later in life. Goodnight.
Maybe later in life. Goodnight.
Although college students look like mature adults, they really haven't been on this earth long enough to truly understand many things.
Have faith, my friend; wishes do come true.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,673
I get that, Bob. People lash out- when they are hurt, scared and angry. It is easier to raise the past, than it is to forgive and move on. Their prob- not yours. I cannot undo the huge damage I did to my family- through my drinking behaviour..what I can do- is accept the past...not reliving old emotions of anger, guilt and shame- but try and look at the past as just that and something that can not hurt me. All I can do is not repeat the same mistakes. If people say to me ;you were a shite person, you drank!'..I agree with them, If they are hurt- I acknowledge their pain and accept it. What other people think of me is none of my business (in a perfect world). I do not get angry or defensive even tho I want to. I point out I am doing everything I can and leave it at that.
Support to you.
Support to you.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,688
Bob, sorry to hear about your daughter upsetting you. I felt remorse when I read your words as I used to do that to my dad too., when I had been drinking myself. Though he never stopped drinking, he slowed his drinking down.
I’m sure she regrets bringing the past up, now. Sometimes we just want to bite our tongues but cannot.
I always try to remember what PJ just reiterated. ‘What people think of us is none of our business ‘ that includes our families and friends too.
Leigh, no baking ? ❤️
I hope everyone had a good Wednesday, back to work for me today. Take care
I’m sure she regrets bringing the past up, now. Sometimes we just want to bite our tongues but cannot.
I always try to remember what PJ just reiterated. ‘What people think of us is none of our business ‘ that includes our families and friends too.
Leigh, no baking ? ❤️
I hope everyone had a good Wednesday, back to work for me today. Take care
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: Free
Posts: 902
Thanks everyone for your kind words and best wishes.
Bob, I was so sad to read your daughter used something of your drinking past in an argument. I always thought of your daughter as quite angelic (I'm sure she is for the most part) - never having any moments of nastiness. I guess I always think it's just my kids damaged (the huge guilt trip of - what part of their current problems are caused by the history of my drinking?).
I think we need to feel the pain of their words, but there is a point where you have to say, no - I'm not going to shoulder all of this forever. If my middle daughter had her way, I would be fixing her whole life in some way of showing/making amends for what I've done. The thing is - we fudged it. My Mother fudged it. But I can only say now that, she made one portion of my life total garbage....the rest - was me.
To be honest, I blamed my parents for a whole heap of stuff at various times in my 20's. And although their dumb actions had huge consequences for me, I have to say, there are parts of me -bloody good parts, that I probably wouldn't have if I'd been molly-coddled my whole life. I'm not saying what we did, or the impact and damage on our children is ok, but for every bad thing, there is a potential opposite good thing - sometimes we just can't see it straight away.
I have a very close relationship with my youngest now. And sometimes randomly, she will say something like, c'mon Mum, you know you did xyz when you were drinking. Almost like a 'don't get too big for your breeches, you screwed up once before' kind of thing. I guess in their hearts we have put a very big fear that one day we will fall again, and they are angry we let ourselves fall in the first place.
Like your signature says - every day we get a chance to start anew - and that my friend is our focus. We only have now. Dust yourself off - maybe even talk or write to your daughter about your regrets or why what she said hurt - it could be a timely opportunity to mend some scar tissue for both of you.
Bob, I was so sad to read your daughter used something of your drinking past in an argument. I always thought of your daughter as quite angelic (I'm sure she is for the most part) - never having any moments of nastiness. I guess I always think it's just my kids damaged (the huge guilt trip of - what part of their current problems are caused by the history of my drinking?).
I think we need to feel the pain of their words, but there is a point where you have to say, no - I'm not going to shoulder all of this forever. If my middle daughter had her way, I would be fixing her whole life in some way of showing/making amends for what I've done. The thing is - we fudged it. My Mother fudged it. But I can only say now that, she made one portion of my life total garbage....the rest - was me.
To be honest, I blamed my parents for a whole heap of stuff at various times in my 20's. And although their dumb actions had huge consequences for me, I have to say, there are parts of me -bloody good parts, that I probably wouldn't have if I'd been molly-coddled my whole life. I'm not saying what we did, or the impact and damage on our children is ok, but for every bad thing, there is a potential opposite good thing - sometimes we just can't see it straight away.
I have a very close relationship with my youngest now. And sometimes randomly, she will say something like, c'mon Mum, you know you did xyz when you were drinking. Almost like a 'don't get too big for your breeches, you screwed up once before' kind of thing. I guess in their hearts we have put a very big fear that one day we will fall again, and they are angry we let ourselves fall in the first place.
Like your signature says - every day we get a chance to start anew - and that my friend is our focus. We only have now. Dust yourself off - maybe even talk or write to your daughter about your regrets or why what she said hurt - it could be a timely opportunity to mend some scar tissue for both of you.
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