Class of February 2016 Part 11
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Originally Posted by jobei 
Congratulations on day 50 that's tremendous!! 
29 for me. Remember 4 years ago the Olympics were in London? I remember chatting with you and Lucy a lot during that time. With them coming up this summer it kind of takes me back. 2012 was a good year, due to sobriety, 2016 can be even better!
29 for me. Remember 4 years ago the Olympics were in London? I remember chatting with you and Lucy a lot during that time. With them coming up this summer it kind of takes me back. 2012 was a good year, due to sobriety, 2016 can be even better!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: CA, USA
Posts: 206
What a long night
So tonight I went to my regular group that I go to for abuse survivors. This group has become a major anchor for me. It also indirectly gives me more good reasons to stay sober and take care of myself. Today though I shared something that triggered my body and mind into its anxious and defensive place. Not a good mix with early sobriety. I always go to an AA meeting that starts an hour after my group, partly as a kind of insurance against this type of reaction.
But instead of feeling better after the AA meeting, I felt worse. I left feeling aggravated for reasons that aren't worth making an issue out of and certainly had more to do with me than anyone else. I just really friggin wanted to drink. All I wanted was a drink now all of the sudden. That's all my brain could think of. But I don't want to drink, I told myself. I just don't want to. And my brain said, but I don't know how else to survive. But it's not survival, I said. It's suicide. Are you REALLY trying to tell me that you WANT that???? Are you INSANE??? And that's the first time I understood what is meant by the insanity of alcoholism. I didn't get it before, but now I see that the AV actually IS fundamentally insane.
I came back home and opened the fridge to get some food and discovered that my friend/roommate had brought home some beer. He also had a bottle of wine in there. Great. I felt like crying. I needed a distraction so I decided I should watch a movie, but first I went outside and called an AA contact and we talked for a bit. She said that early sobriety is tricky because the AV is going to come up at times, no matter what I'm doing or where I am it could strike. Good point, I thought. So it's important to be prepared.
The one-on-one conversation with an understanding sober person actually helped. Then I went back inside, ate a whole bunch of corn on the cob I'd defrosted and some pasta, came on SR and the desire to drink passed. So happy it went away. What a relief.
But instead of feeling better after the AA meeting, I felt worse. I left feeling aggravated for reasons that aren't worth making an issue out of and certainly had more to do with me than anyone else. I just really friggin wanted to drink. All I wanted was a drink now all of the sudden. That's all my brain could think of. But I don't want to drink, I told myself. I just don't want to. And my brain said, but I don't know how else to survive. But it's not survival, I said. It's suicide. Are you REALLY trying to tell me that you WANT that???? Are you INSANE??? And that's the first time I understood what is meant by the insanity of alcoholism. I didn't get it before, but now I see that the AV actually IS fundamentally insane.
I came back home and opened the fridge to get some food and discovered that my friend/roommate had brought home some beer. He also had a bottle of wine in there. Great. I felt like crying. I needed a distraction so I decided I should watch a movie, but first I went outside and called an AA contact and we talked for a bit. She said that early sobriety is tricky because the AV is going to come up at times, no matter what I'm doing or where I am it could strike. Good point, I thought. So it's important to be prepared.
The one-on-one conversation with an understanding sober person actually helped. Then I went back inside, ate a whole bunch of corn on the cob I'd defrosted and some pasta, came on SR and the desire to drink passed. So happy it went away. What a relief.
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