spacestation

Hindsight is 20/20. I want to thank the class of September. I got 21 days out of it.
Ill be back.

workoholic

Hey everyone!
Day 30 almost over, 1 month down. Countless to go...Hah!

Neverthought

Active thread this month.

Nothing like enjoying the fall sober.

Let's all get ready for Octsober......at least that is what we called it last year!

MidnightBlue

Hi, all. Just popped in)

Neverthought - I do remember Octsobers))) Hard to believe it's been almost a year.

Stay strong all!

lorelei

Hey guys.

See you all in Sobertober xx

Black

Night all and bring on October yee haw..

Dee74

No I can't be bribed UI I'll move the thread in a few hours.

welcome KellyG

no need to go away Space - why not stick around?

Kane I don't have kids but I think you're capable of being the best dad you can be, as well being an awesome role model, now you're sober

D

Neverthought

Good for you Midnight....congrats on nearly a year. We're proud of you!

I hope to say that to myself next year. Thanks for stopping in, I remember you well!

Another Octsober....here we go Midnight!

Melina

Hi September buddies!

Day 28 here. I'm doing great. I'm navigating this new life as best I can.

I really, really enjoy sobriety and I'm so grateful to be in the September 2013 class. Everyone has been awesome. Thank you all for the laughs, tears and support. We rock!

I'm planning some positive changes for October: quitting smoking and getting out of bad relationship. What about you? Let's get some goals going since we are a supportive group!

Onward we march!

actorchris

I relapsed. Day 2 back. I feel like crap. And I'm scared. I reached out to neighbor yesterday who is sober. Gonna sponsor me/help give me accountability. I went to a new AA meeting today. Raised hand. I feel terrible. My head's a mess. And I'm worried for myself. But I'm doing the best I can today. I don't know if ill get a chance to read threads again today so feel free to pm me. Got class tonight I'm hoping I can get myself to. Hope you guys are well. Chris

Plenny

Just found out I have the week off, and proposed to husband that we go away for a few days. Then bottles of Beaujolais raced through my mind and I felt nervous that I might have a few days of heavy drinking if I go out of town.... Not sure if that thought helps clear me or curses me. I'm going to take a nap. Might not go away for a few days. Or I might go away, and just stop at the tea shop on my way out of town and get something really snobby and special......

BuddinK

Hello September Class,


For those who made it through the month a big Congratulations! If you slipped up and started again, also a big Congratulations.

If you're still struggling, keep trying and stick around.

If you go back to the start of this month and reread your first posts you may be amazed at how far you've come! I do that every now and then and it really helps me stay focused.

Stay Strong

Uninvited

I'm going to give up tobacco in October too!

Uninvited

I was worried about where you had gone to Chris. Sorry to hear about the slip but glad you are right back here ready to go again.

Uninvited

Sigh. I had to try.


For those that don't know, he moves this thread to Newcomers Daily Support and starts a new thread here for October. Make sure you follow us over. Wouldn't want to continue this ride without all you great people.

Dee74

LOL the reason for the move is this....

we used to have one big forum - when people started the Monthly group concept, the forum started to become a little cluttered - newcomers were being lost and confused...so we started the Daily Support forum for the part 2 and beyond of long running threads.

It's not a demotion at all or a back page - I'm the Daily Support Mod and I believe in the forum

It's just a move sideways

D

Uninvited

Think of it as a promotion without any more pay?

Driver1

I started writing this “letter” several weeks ago when I stumbled on to this recovery forum. I had intended to join your group at that time, but my demon convinced me that I could wait until October and join then. He won. He always does.

Anyway, below is what I wrote 2 weeks ago. If you are interested, read on. I’ll let you know the point when you get to today’s musings.
Hi Everyone.

I am 12 beers in right now.

My wife is 6 months pregnant…with twins.

I need to change my life.

I have been following you all for about the past 2 weeks, but have not been ready to join.

But now I am.

I am humbled by your stories and struggles; you all have a lot of courage to share these thoughts. I have little. You all are very strong.

I’m gonna call myself Driver. An old nickname that has nothing to do with drinking and driving! Just a nickname. I rarely drink and drive (but it does happen occasionally).

I read your stories and threads and feel encouraged. Some are sad; some are uplifting; but all are an outpouring of your very personal truths as you experience them. I find you all amazingly brave.

We all have a past before we start new journeys. For some reason, I feel it is important to tell my story from the beginning. So here goes:

I am 46 years old. I have been drinking heavily for about 20 years (smoking cigarettes for about 23 years). Heavily defined: usually about a 12 pack of beer each night – Bud Light…my nemesis. I rarely drink hard liquor or wine… but does it matter? It’s alcohol. Also, I don’t care do delve in to whether I’m an alcoholic or an abuser. I’ve done this before and it’s a fruitless endeavor. I don’t care about definitions. It doesn’t matter. The problem is drinking.

Beer is my choice. Since age 12 I’ve had an incredible thirst for it. My Great Grand Father (wonderful man) loved to drink beer. For him, drinking somewhat quelled over the years but he still had about 3 beers a day into his nineties (yes, nineties can you believe it?). Soooo…. I would come home from Middle School in mid 1980’s, and my dear GGF would ask me to pour him his afternoon beers….and would always allow to me to have half of one of them.

I was hooked; I loved the taste!!!!

Loved the taste!!!!!!

Alas, the birth of my demon (but I had no clue at the time).

Regardless of appetite for beer, I focused on school and graduated high school with honors. But my demon was lurking. I certainly remember many passed out drunken nights in high school.

I went to university from ages 18 to 22. My demon was lurking in the corners: I did a lot of binge drinking, but made no real note of it as my drinking patterns were not any different from those of my peers.

I finished with a degree in Business. My parents and siblings were proud of me. Still are. But they didn’t know the true extent of my drinking. They probably still don’t. If they do know about my true habits, they don’t say anything about it.

By the way, none of my immediate family members are anything more than social drinkers. I get along very well with all of my family. I come from a very loving family with no “issues” in my familial background.

Fast forward a few years. Despite a degree in business, a desire to work with children prompted me to return to school to get a degree in education. After getting my first teaching position, the real drinking began. My demon was no longer lurking. He was active. But I still had no clue.

With work came pay. I now had money and could buy all the beer I desired. It was such a wonderful release to kick back at the end of the day and let the beer course through my veins and help wash away thoughts of life’s everyday struggles.

I think it’s important to comment a bit further here. “Life’s every day struggles” – define?: my struggles were (and are) no different than anyone else’s. I just perceive them differently. I worry. A lot...about everything. I know I’m just wired this way…since I was a kid. (Clinically, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder about 11 years ago).

I remember my mother telling me as a young child that I was her “little worry wart”. My leg(s) were and are always in constant motion swaying back and forth (I think a physical manifestation of my anxiety).

There are some upsides to anxiety and worry. I am constantly planning (and executing). At the risk of coming off as a braggard, I get a ton of stuff done on a daily basis (more on this later). But, obviously there is a downside to all the worry: a constant feeling of uneasiness and tension. Anxiety is probably my demon’s best friend. It is a great leverage point. Is there any better way to reduce anxiety than by self medicating with alcohol? Nature’s answer to worry.

The following is the conclusion of my “letter”; written today 9/30/13:

Anyway, I taught school for a number of years. I went to work every day and excelled at my job. But I drank every night. And I loved it. I didn’t realize at the time (and for a number of years later) that I had any kind of problem. The old adage: “Drinking Problem, I don’t have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk…no problem.”

Around this time I married my girlfriend whom I had dated for about 5 years. She enjoyed drinking too (not nearly to my extent). Our friends enjoyed drinking as well. All seemed normal at the time. If she had any concerns, they were not voiced.

Several years later I went back to school to get an advanced degree in psychology. My demon sat on my shoulder the whole time I was back at University. I did my school work well and met all expectations (actually even finished the coursework a year early). But I was still drinking all the time.

I remember going to the public library one Saturday morning to do some work on my dissertation (about 13 years ago). A man who appeared to be homeless walked up to me while I was looking for a book and said, “how you be doin’ that with all the wine you be drinking?”

Those were his exact words. I just looked at him. I had no answer. That was the entirety of our exchange.

But his question lingered with me. How could this man possibly know anything about my drinking? I don’t drink wine, but still this complete stranger could see what no one else could see. Even what I couldn’t see. I was drinking too much. I was a drunk. Maybe this one man could actually see the demon that sits on my shoulder and whispers to me that “it is time to have a beer”.

I know that is a little fantastical. But I still wonder about this supernatural man who saw right through me.

At the time, I know I interpreted this question as a sort of compliment. Indeed, I wrote a dissertation and graduated with a doctoral degree while drinking copious amounts of beer…how do I be doin’ that with all the wine I be drinking? I’m super human, right?! (or so I thought, and for a long time in to the future).

But today the memory of that moment evokes such a keen sense of regret: A missed opportunity to honestly self-reflect on my behavior. I was in too deep I guess.

Fast forward a few years. I obtained a job as school psychologist in a great school district. I worked (and continue to work) very hard. I enjoy helping children. But my drinking continues. It makes me feel like a fraud.

I hope this doesn’t sound boastful, but I know I’m good at my job. People often praise my work performance. I interpret this to mean that these people believe that I have strong character. But I think character is defined by what one does when others aren’t looking. What do I do when others are not looking? To name a few: Drink. Fail to meet potential. Let down my wife. So, from my perspective, I lack character. I am a drunk. A fraud.

About 10 years ago my wife and I bought a house. Oh how wonderful! Now I could come home to my very own place to drink. Life was grand. I would come home every night and drink a 12 pack of beer. I would sit on the back porch and drink bottle after bottle. The bottles would be strewn about the porch. Several days’ worth would accumulate and then I might clean them up. My wife didn’t say too much, but she saw my demon first hand.

This went on for a few years. I gained some weight. My wife voiced concerns occasionally. So I had some adjusting to do, right? How could I make this right?

My demon and I came up with some answers. First, we switched from bottles to cans (less weight, easier to clean up, no rattling). Then I put a trellis into the ground to use as a façade in front of my recycling bin (the empties became less obvious with the façade I put up). Funny to use that word, façade: a way of behaving or appearing that gives other people a false idea of your true feelings or situation. Me too a tee!

Then I began working around my home every day after school. I mentioned earlier that “I get a ton of stuff done on a daily basis”. I love working with my hands and the associated feelings of getting things accomplished. It also allows me to cross tasks off my list (been making lists since I was a kid - but big problem here: LIST=ANXIETY, must get things off list, so LIST=ANXIETY=BEER).

At any rate, my thinking was that if I were doing productive things, then there would be no complaints about drinking, right? I could always say “look what I’ve accomplished…I can’t be a drunk”. Boy, my demon and I can solve any problem.

I then upped the ante by beginning to jog/run again. I ran three marathons, a bunch of halfs, and countless other races (all while drinking and smoking full time). I was superhuman again.

Surely if I were in good shape and getting things done around the house there would be absolutely no reason for concern. I can’t have a problem. I’m not a drunk. At least that’s what my demon and I told (tell) each other. And what I could tell my wife when she voiced concern.

REALLY? I know now that is just me and my demon creating justification for my behavior.

But the fact remained (and remains) that there is concern. I am lying to myself and my wife. I have a problem that I cannot control. This beer is destroying me…spiritually, mentally, and physically.

I hate myself when I’m drinking (so I pretty much hate myself every day). Occasionally there are arguments with my wife that I don’t fully remember. I hate myself in the morning (every morning) because I drank the night before. I feel like crap every morning. I’m starting to get fine motor tremors on some days. The thoracic area of my back always has pain. I wonder if it’s liver pain. But I don’t want to go to the doctor for fear of bad news. Twenty years of a twelve pack a day has got to do something to the liver (for now I’m just going to put thoughts about my liver aside; no need to induce unnecessary anxiety).

I know my wife is disappointed in me every day. I know she loves me dearly,
but I also know we are both aware that I am not the man I can be. It pains me to know that she is not getting the full me because, in effect, I’m not present. I’m absent. I’m drunk. I am breaking her heart daily.

I don’t know why/how she hangs in there with me.

I tell myself every morning that “I will not drink today”. I will show my wife that I love her by being there with her. I will show my wife that I love her by choosing her over beer. And in turn, I will love myself.

But almost every day (around noon) the crappiness wears off and I’m thinking about cold ones. And almost every day I’m at the store after work buying beer. So much for loving my wife.

So why am I writing this now? I need sobriety. My wife is pregnant. My circumstances are different. I desperately need to be present to be a good husband and father. I can’t do that drunk.

Today I went to work feeling like crap (again). I attended a work meeting for several hours and then decided to take the rest of the day off to finish this “letter”. I figured I would pour myself into finishing this “letter” and preparing myself to join the class of October (if there is one?) rather than pouring some beer down my throat. And I guess I will post this “letter” on that thread as an introduction.

I know this is the last day for you all in the class of September (congratulations to all of you on your efforts…I truly wish you all well). I suppose I wanted to share all this with you, because, while not part of your group, it was you all (with your inspiring stories) who at least partially gave me the courage to recognize and state out loud to the world that I have a problem that needs to be addressed.

I know I’m going to need plenty of help. The kind of help that you all so kindly provide to each other.

So, here’s to starting one day early. My Day One.

To be honest, I am not too terribly concerned about drinking today or tomorrow or even the rest of the workweek. I occasionally go three or four days without drinking (extremely rare), but I know my biggest first challenge (and fear) will be Friday. The weekend will be on and my demon will be whispering to me LOUDLY. Weekends are always great for working around the house and drinking beer.

A bit more honesty: I am so fearful. The thought of never drinking again seems like such impossibility. I managed to put down the cigarettes with the help of an E-Cigarette 43 days ago. But I simply cannot imagine life without beer. I cannot fathom a lifetime of never drinking again. I don’t know how this can be done.

I am so scared. But I am also so scared of the possibility that, when I die, I would be remembered by my wife and future children as a drunk above all other qualities I may possess or demonstrate.

I’ll just take it one day at a time for now.

Thank you for reading my story.

bridgeeboo2006

Thanx driver and welcome...ur on the right path it sounds. U know what u want and u can do it. Keep posting...plenty of support here.
Hello everyone...last day to post here I understand. Just want everyone to know...day 16 and still going strong. Wonderful wknd w family went great. Bf and I are both happy...really great having his support and having him home for a bit. I'm feeling really good. New position in company is good too. Busy week started today but I will b catching up on things around here. Hope everyone is doing well...or is finding some support here. As always SR has been so integral for me. Thanx everyone. Big hugs all around. I am so grateful for finding this and for finding out how much I like being sober. So grateful for my life.

Dee74

Thanks for sharing your story Driver and welcome

D