Impurrfect

(((Chino))) - so, do we get to see pictures? Glad you went, sorry about the "boxed in" feeling. I actually am quite comfy in a hotel room..probably because it's away from here? Tess always loves the little soaps and shampoos that they leave, I do to, so have grabbed them the few times that I've been in a hotel (CA and one night on a trip with dad..that's about it), but I'll find something decorative to put them in along with some pretty lotions/soaps that g'ma and mom-Kay got me.

Sorry about all the typos - should not type when tired!

(((Karilynn))) - Thank you. Hairdresser and I are thinking of going more red the next time (it was like that when I was a kid). I do always like putting faces to names, but also understand a lot of people like being anonymous here.

Got to work on our team project today. We got "in trouble" because the 2 of us that were in our meeting, we didn't start the recording and don't want to lose the "participation points" so may have 2 online things tomorrow night.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Gypsy Feet

Sunday, February 26, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Twelve Step Programs

I was furious when I found myself at my first Al-Anon meeting. It seemed so unfair that he had the problem and I had to go to a meeting. But by that time, I had nowhere left in the world to go with my pain. Now, I'm grateful for Al-Anon and my codependency recovery. Al-Anon keeps me on track; recovery has given me a life.
—Anonymous

There are many Twelve Step programs for codependents: Al-Anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics, CoDa, Families Anonymous, Nar-Anon, and more. We have many choices about which kind of group is right for us and which particular group in that category meets our needs. Twelve Step groups for codependents are free, anonymous, and available in most communities. If there is not one that is right for us, we can start one.

Twelve Step groups for codependents are not about how we can help the other person; they're about how we can help ourselves grow and change. They can help us accept and deal with the ways codependency has affected us. They can help us get on track and stay there.

There is magic in Twelve Step programs. There is healing power in connecting with other recovering people. We access this healing power by working the Steps and by allowing them to work on us. The Twelve Steps are a formula for healing.

How long do we have to go to meetings? We go until we "get the program." We go until the program "gets us." Then we keep on going and growing.

Selecting a group and then attending regularly are important ways we can begin and continue to take care of ourselves. Actively participating in our recovery program by working the Steps is another.

I will be open to the healing power available to me from the Twelve Steps and a recovery program.

Gypsy Feet

I love the twelve steps, I love the meetings and the fellowship. Between this forum and my home group I have found so much enlightenment.

I am needing all of my tools today. MW has been so tormented since he went to the parenting class and heard what divorce does to kids. He declared yesterday that he needed alone time, so I am with my family.

I am trying to just walk through today without letting fears and doubts beat me up. I hope for him he finds peace, I hope for me to stay in the moment and be grateful for is, and what isnt

frances2011

Peace to all my friends here. ************}}}}}}

Amy, such a joy to see you. (I didn't realize until now that I've been picturing you as the sister of an old boyfriend, a woman I really liked a lot)

frances2011

I am surfing some feelings with PMS so here is what I am doing:

1. Told husband how i am feeling--prickly, judgmental, suspicious
2. Lay on an ice pack for my sore back
3. Took some advil
4. Drinking ginger tea
5. Made whole nutritious food for dinner
6. Go to bed early
7. Tomorrow I will take a bit more AD medicine, as prescribed by my doctor

A friend in crisis called and left a "CALL ME IMMEDIATELY!!!" message & text. In the past these calls have resulted in her asking to come stay over because she was fighting with her husband. I have said yes a few times and no a few times. It is very disruptive and triggering for me. All my "EMERGENCY YOU MUST DO X&Y THIS INSTANT!" codie childhood trauma stuff.

I didn't choose her crisis and I don't want it in my house. It feels very hard to hold this boundary.

For this moment I am not responding. (The circumstances are fishy, it makes me uncomfortable, she hasn't been straight with me, I don't like it.)

I don't have to give my calm away or let someone in crisis into my home if I don't want to.

What a joy that I now longer feel this way every month and worse. I used to be always ping ponging between extremes of emotion and stress, my mind in turmoil and my body in pain. Now I'm experiencing between calm and content most of the day, most days.

It's funny how this is sending me so off my center. It's just a phone message. Thank you SR for the place to see how I am off center and get back to my center, no matter what is happening around me.

Impurrfect

(((Frances))) - good for YOU!!! Totally understand the PMS "warning", even though I go between that and "perimenopause" that has been going on for 2 years.

Dad got the wood for my shelf in my closet-turned-storage nook. I'd yet to really delve into mom's cedar chest...wasn't quite ready for the emotions it was going to bring.

I did have to open it to show dad where the shelf needs to be. Wow, talk about emotions. The skirt I wore for my first day of school, a little sign I had on my door that said "Amy's fun corner"..with a pink elephant? A crocheted pretty pink baby blankie that I will have to ask aunt Phyllis if it was used for my baptism or something..pretty sure it's special.

I did fine...until. Found a bunch of cards in a rubber band. They were sympathy cards from when she died. I lost it. I took the pile (NOT going to read those yet), in tears, told him what they were and said "I miss my mom!!!" He started crying, said he did, too.

It led to a really good conversation, not as much about mom, but about our lives today. At one point, he again told me that the only 2 people who kept him from committing suicide was me and my g'ma. I told him how many OTHER people absolutely love and adore him (like my recovering stepsister and stepbrother, the brat, etc.).

I also told him that people here had been worried about me..that I'm getting too used to the chaos around here. I told him I'd been given suggestions, and told, more than once, I need to get out of this house. I told him "it won't happen today? But it's going to happen..I will get my own place".

He's decided, on his own, that when stepmom gets any meds filled? He wants to see the bottles, the receipt, and he will look up what she's taking. I told him that is between them, the most I'll do is answer any questions he has about a med. Oh, and I guess he also told stepmom that if she wants to stay in MD? Do it.

It was a good talk. He just fixed us a healthy frozen dinner, and I do feel better. I have no expectations of him following through, that's on him. He also did tell the brat that it's not that I ignore her? I'm just letting her live her life and "follow her own path" but it has nothing to do with how much I love her...what I've been telling him for a looooong time, so I guess he did hear me.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

frances2011

Thank you Amy! I get abOut the cards, I know how gut wrenching that is (((((())))))

My friend has called 5 times with no message. I got a hang up on my home phone. Really? I am not that close a friend, I think I'm a person who is sane and has resources.

My home phone is ringing now with a blocked number.

Sigh I am keeping my peace

Chino

I've posted a few pics in my profile photo album. If you're not on my friends list and I didn't send you a request, then please holler at me

I don't want to post them publicly because they're public elsewhere with my name. I wish they didn't compress so drastically here; it really affected the quality :/

frances2011

8 times, still no voice message. Voice mail saying "It's an emergency, call me."

I feel that I am being used, to be hooked by calling her. I want to know what is going on. I don't want to engage. All my spider senses are screaming. It just isn't right that the messages don't give me any information. It's bait. I won't take it.

Breathe. Not My Problem.

Chino

frances, that is awful and I'm glad you're holding strong.

Amy, your Mom gave you and your dad a healing gift

frances2011

Thx u for support. She hasn't called again and I have my peace and my husband and am going to bed. I also didn't call anyone to get support and prove I was "right." I didn't want to gossip or spread the negative energy. I held my hula hoop.

Prayers for those who have much harder trials, I know how minor this is in the big picture but it's a very big success for me. I am not a doormat or responsible for other peoples crisises.

Impurrfect

(((Frances))) - any chance you can turn the phone off, or at least to silent?

(((Chino))) - you are so right, but dang....here come the tears again. It's okay...it's okay to miss a woman who was so vital to my life, it's okay to be grateful for all the people who say "wow, you are SOOOO much like your mom!!!" and know that's a good thing.

It's been a rough few weeks, and if I can cry tears of gratitude...for the 29 years I had my mom, for all the dear friends I've made in recovery, for dad cheerily coming in here asking for my dinner plate (I can't eat but a few bites at a time) because he wants to wash dishes? Then let the tears fall

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

karilynn27

Good job frances

Amy, tears aren't always a bad thing.

Chino, beautiful pics, makes me want to fly

frances2011

Amy, sending a cyber hug, sorry you are mIssing your mom tonite.

(((())))

Impurrfect

I just got off the phone with my stepsister ((K)) - I met her when the brat's mom was essentially dead in the hospital and I told her "you need to get here NOW" (she was in Chicago). We instantly clicked.

Over the years, we lost track as both of us got into addiction. She is in recovery. We've been talking and texting, but just had a loooooong talk. It wasn't anything so much as what she said, it was just the conversation but I can now remember that my stepmom is a sick woman...K was there through all the beatings and ER visits her dad brought on my stepmom.

My stepmom is sick, but she refuses to seek help. I can't control that. K? In recovery? I wouldn't even KNOW her, much lest consider her my sister, if it weren't for my stepmom. I wouldn't BE the person she can call when she's struggling.

It does NOT excuse my stepmom's behavior. It does NOT make me want to stay here and fix stepmom and dad. It's just that I have more compassion, but I also know I need to get out of here. It may not happen as fast as I want, but it will happen. Bottom line? I love my stepmom and all my step-family, even the one stepsister who wants to blame her MOM for everything (let's forget dad the alcoholic).

I feel a gazillion times better, and I will be okay. Recovery truly does rock

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

frances2011

Thank you for this place last night, every one of you helped me hold myself and my peace.

It's a pretty remarkable thing that I was able to see early in the day that PMS was throwing me off and take physical proactive self-care steps. Those are steps forward.

"Normal" people don't call friends 8 times and not explain on a message at least a LITTLE about what the emergency is. "Car accident. Dog problem. Stranded. Illness. Need babysitter." I can trust my instincts that this smelled like an Enabling trap.

The steps backwards could have been to attack myself for being "bad" by choosing my Sunday night peace with my husband over rescuing: drink, binge food, self-harm to my skin, and horrible self-talk about my worthlessness.

I see Recovery for me as a multi-step process: become aware of self-harm choices. Cease self-harm. Become aware of self-care choices. Take self-care choices.

ESH welcome, if you have ideas for me to keep moving forward.

Wishing each of you a wonderful day of Recovery. I am basking in my Baby Steps accomplishments and feel proud of myself.

karilynn27

Feel very proud frances

I'm having to ignore phone calls from a woman listed in my phone as wandering rose. Long story. I also had to take an entire week of putting my health first.

Chino

I think you're doing great frances! All of us are! I go through a mental checklist too, the moment I feel a trigger. I have to stop myself immediately or the solutions will involve more pain. I think it's quite amazing when any of us get to that point, where we can stop and assess our personal situations. I used to react immediately to external stimuli but now I react immediately to my inner voice. I'm still surprised by this!

Gypsy Feet

Tuesday, February 28, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Letting Go of Denial

We are slow to believe that which, if believed, would hurt our feelings.
—Ovid

Most of us in recovery have engaged in denial from time to time. Some of us relied on this tool.

We may have denied events or feelings from our past. We may have denied other people's problems; we may have denied our own problems, feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs. We denied the truth.

Denial means we didn't let ourselves face reality, usually because facing that particular reality would hurt. It would be a loss of something: trust, love, family, perhaps a marriage, a friendship, or a dream. And it hurts to lose something or someone.

Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul. It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular reality. People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we will not see or hear it until we are ready.

We are sturdy yet fragile beings. Sometimes, we need time to get prepared, time to ready ourselves to cope. We do not let go of our need to deny by beating ourselves into acceptance; we let go of our need to deny by allowing ourselves to become safe and strong enough to cope with the truth.

We will do this, when the time is right. We do not need to punish ourselves for having denied reality; we need only love ourselves into safety and strength so that each day we are better equipped to face and deal with the truth. We will face and deal with reality - on our own time schedule, when we are ready, and in our Higher Power's timing. We do not have to accept chastisement from anyone, including ourselves, for this schedule.

We will know what we need to know, when it's time to know it.

Today, I will concentrate on making myself feel safe and confident. I will let myself have my awarenesses on my own time schedule.

karilynn27

Wow