Codependency and beyond - Part 17
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,691
Anna, Chino, Impurrfect thanks for the advice and support - specifically Anna with your 'in the hoop', i tried that out last night whilst talking in some rooms online. U no what it made sense! The bad bit was that i sort of countered that [sensible/normal thinking] with 'well this person is having a hard time why cant i help them, im making their life better, who will help them if i dont, they may just suffer for an unnecessarily long time' sort of chat.
So with regret i let my desire to do good and my pride take over and went 'out of the hoop' and helped others. :/. Just reading a codie book now [codependent no more] and having to keep putting it down to absorb its message.
What you try to control, controls you it says, thats me paraphrasing but it says something like what you have no business controlling will end up controlling you.
So today i have felt poor me and been asking others for support - i think part of the why is that in going 'out of my hoop' [maybe] to assist others last night my focus was taken away from where it was needed for my own care.
So with regret i let my desire to do good and my pride take over and went 'out of the hoop' and helped others. :/. Just reading a codie book now [codependent no more] and having to keep putting it down to absorb its message.
What you try to control, controls you it says, thats me paraphrasing but it says something like what you have no business controlling will end up controlling you.
So today i have felt poor me and been asking others for support - i think part of the why is that in going 'out of my hoop' [maybe] to assist others last night my focus was taken away from where it was needed for my own care.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Originally Posted by kevinlednylon 
.
- i think part of the why is that in going 'out of my hoop' [maybe] to assist others last night my focus was taken away from where it was needed for my own care.
- i think part of the why is that in going 'out of my hoop' [maybe] to assist others last night my focus was taken away from where it was needed for my own care.
And trying to help others is a good thing =)
The thing is, until we get better ourselves, in my case, do the steps, clear the wreckage of the past, form a working relationship with a power higher than myself and realize I am powerless over . . .lots of things, I dont have much to offer.
when I am spiritually sick, emotionally drained and mentally unbalanced, I cant give sound advice.
I also helped others with the expectation of a return, perhaps in the form of good helper karma. I would help everyone I could, and then when I was really sad, I would sit in a dark corner of my room wondering why all the people I had "saved" werent coming to my rescue
of course, in my dark corner, I never asked for help.
I help now. I just try not to over extend. I give people rides, I talk to sad friends, I help people move. I do a lot of volunteer work which is a safe way to practice doing the right thing for me.
And I am learning when I need something to ask my friends or my HP
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Kevin, you're doing great with your codependency knowledge.
The thing that helped me to NOT jump in and help people was the knowledge that we are each on our own path. The person you see who you want to help, has to learn certain things in this life. He needs to find his own way and that might involve suffering. I believe that our life is a journey and that we need to learn certain lessons in this life. Who am I to interfere in someone else's journey?
That's not say we should not offer a hand to a friend who needs our support, but we need to always be aware that there should be no expectation attached to the offer. In other words we don't do it in the hope that someone will like us or be a friend to us. We do it out of compassion and a generous spirit.
Gypsy, it sounds like you are getting what you need right now - time to relax in the sun. That will change at some point, and you will be ready for what comes along.
The thing that helped me to NOT jump in and help people was the knowledge that we are each on our own path. The person you see who you want to help, has to learn certain things in this life. He needs to find his own way and that might involve suffering. I believe that our life is a journey and that we need to learn certain lessons in this life. Who am I to interfere in someone else's journey?
That's not say we should not offer a hand to a friend who needs our support, but we need to always be aware that there should be no expectation attached to the offer. In other words we don't do it in the hope that someone will like us or be a friend to us. We do it out of compassion and a generous spirit.
Gypsy, it sounds like you are getting what you need right now - time to relax in the sun. That will change at some point, and you will be ready for what comes along.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Good Morning my wonderful recovery family!
Taking a few moments to say HEY as I munch on some breakfast (Bacon & Cheese sandwich - yum)
Read this today in "How it Works" . . .
"We put great energy into looking good in public, making sure that everyone thought we were doing just fine, never letting anyone know when we were vulnerable, and hurting, never letting on what happened behind closed doors. In an effort to be loyal, we lied, made excuses, and laughed off the alcoholic's behaviors as well as our own."
That rang true for me ~ the years of pretending went on forever for me ~ so greatful to be working daily to be REAL like the velveteen rabbit -
TO BE true to my feelings
TO BE honest with myself and others
and most of all
TO TRY TO LOVE myself enough to be REAL
and to allow others to share their love with me too!
I pray that each of you have a PINK day - filled with love, joy, peace, laughter, serenity and sanity!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Taking a few moments to say HEY as I munch on some breakfast (Bacon & Cheese sandwich - yum)
Read this today in "How it Works" . . .
"We put great energy into looking good in public, making sure that everyone thought we were doing just fine, never letting anyone know when we were vulnerable, and hurting, never letting on what happened behind closed doors. In an effort to be loyal, we lied, made excuses, and laughed off the alcoholic's behaviors as well as our own."
That rang true for me ~ the years of pretending went on forever for me ~ so greatful to be working daily to be REAL like the velveteen rabbit -
TO BE true to my feelings
TO BE honest with myself and others
and most of all
TO TRY TO LOVE myself enough to be REAL
and to allow others to share their love with me too!
I pray that each of you have a PINK day - filled with love, joy, peace, laughter, serenity and sanity!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Experiment
Experiment. Try something new. Try stepping out.
We have been held back too long. We have held ourselves back too long.
As children, many of us were deprived of the right to experiment. Many of us are depriving ourselves of the right to experiment and learn as adults.
Now is the time to experiment. It is an important part of recovery. Let yourself try things. Let yourself try something new. Yes, you will make mistakes. But from those mistakes, you can learn what your values are.
Some things we just won't like. That's good. Then we'll know a little more about who we are and what we don't like.
Some things we will like, they will work with our values. They will work with who we are, and we will discover something important and life enriching.
There is a quiet time in recovery, a time to stand still and heal, a time to give ourselves a cooling off time. This is a time of introspection and healing. It is an important time. We deal with our issues.
There also comes a time when it is equally important to experiment, to begin to test the water.
Recovery does not equal abstention from life. Recovery means learning to live and learning to live fully. Recovery means exploration, investigation, and experimentation.
Recovery means being done with the rigid, shame-based rules from the past, and formulating healthy values based on self-love, love for others, and living in harmony with this world.
Experiment. Try something new. Maybe you won't like it. Maybe you'll make a mistake. But maybe you will like it, and maybe you'll discover something you love.
Today, I will give myself permission to experiment in life. I will stop rigidly holding myself back, and I will jump in when jumping in feels right. God, help me let go of my need to deprive myself of being alive.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Experiment
Experiment. Try something new. Try stepping out.
We have been held back too long. We have held ourselves back too long.
As children, many of us were deprived of the right to experiment. Many of us are depriving ourselves of the right to experiment and learn as adults.
Now is the time to experiment. It is an important part of recovery. Let yourself try things. Let yourself try something new. Yes, you will make mistakes. But from those mistakes, you can learn what your values are.
Some things we just won't like. That's good. Then we'll know a little more about who we are and what we don't like.
Some things we will like, they will work with our values. They will work with who we are, and we will discover something important and life enriching.
There is a quiet time in recovery, a time to stand still and heal, a time to give ourselves a cooling off time. This is a time of introspection and healing. It is an important time. We deal with our issues.
There also comes a time when it is equally important to experiment, to begin to test the water.
Recovery does not equal abstention from life. Recovery means learning to live and learning to live fully. Recovery means exploration, investigation, and experimentation.
Recovery means being done with the rigid, shame-based rules from the past, and formulating healthy values based on self-love, love for others, and living in harmony with this world.
Experiment. Try something new. Maybe you won't like it. Maybe you'll make a mistake. But maybe you will like it, and maybe you'll discover something you love.
Today, I will give myself permission to experiment in life. I will stop rigidly holding myself back, and I will jump in when jumping in feels right. God, help me let go of my need to deprive myself of being alive.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Thanks (((Lisa)))
Tonight was just one of those nights at work. Store owner was there, and complaining about everything. She blamed me for getting DT "all messed up", but I knew it wasn't my fault and told her. SHE considers it argumentative, I consider it standing up for myself when I'm wrongly accused. It didn't help that SHE forgot the cord to my receipt printer and no one could prove what they paid for.
She basically blew me off, and it irritated me for a while, until a buddy told me "you've got to learn to just let what she says go in one ear and out the other..she doesn't know what's going on half the time". That made me feel better.
At least I don't feel like the doormat, at work, any more. There will be bad nights, but they're rare, lately, other than being overworked. They've changed my schedule, so should have no more of the 9-11 hour shifts.
Allergies are much better, which is a relief.
Love to all!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Tonight was just one of those nights at work. Store owner was there, and complaining about everything. She blamed me for getting DT "all messed up", but I knew it wasn't my fault and told her. SHE considers it argumentative, I consider it standing up for myself when I'm wrongly accused. It didn't help that SHE forgot the cord to my receipt printer and no one could prove what they paid for.
She basically blew me off, and it irritated me for a while, until a buddy told me "you've got to learn to just let what she says go in one ear and out the other..she doesn't know what's going on half the time". That made me feel better.
At least I don't feel like the doormat, at work, any more. There will be bad nights, but they're rare, lately, other than being overworked. They've changed my schedule, so should have no more of the 9-11 hour shifts.
Allergies are much better, which is a relief.
Love to all!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Thursday, March 31, 2011
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Finances
Taking financial responsibility for ourselves is part of recovery. Some of us may find ourselves in hard financial times for a variety of reasons.
Our recovery concepts, including the Steps, work on money issues and restoring manageability to that area of our life. Make appropriate amends -- even if that means tackling a $5,000 debt by sending in $5 a month.
Start where you are, with what you've got. As with other issues, acceptance and gratitude turn what we have into more.
Money issues are not a good place to "act as if." Don't write checks until the money is in the bank. Don't spend money until you've got it in your hand.
If there is too little money to survive, use the appropriate resources available without shame.
Set goals.
Believe you deserve the best, financially.
Believe God cares about your finances.
Let go of your fear, and trust.
Today, I will focus on taking responsibility for my present financial circumstances, no matter how overwhelming that area of my life may feel and be.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Finances
Taking financial responsibility for ourselves is part of recovery. Some of us may find ourselves in hard financial times for a variety of reasons.
Our recovery concepts, including the Steps, work on money issues and restoring manageability to that area of our life. Make appropriate amends -- even if that means tackling a $5,000 debt by sending in $5 a month.
Start where you are, with what you've got. As with other issues, acceptance and gratitude turn what we have into more.
Money issues are not a good place to "act as if." Don't write checks until the money is in the bank. Don't spend money until you've got it in your hand.
If there is too little money to survive, use the appropriate resources available without shame.
Set goals.
Believe you deserve the best, financially.
Believe God cares about your finances.
Let go of your fear, and trust.
Today, I will focus on taking responsibility for my present financial circumstances, no matter how overwhelming that area of my life may feel and be.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
helloooooo friends. I have taken on a new challenge! My goal is to see if spending loads of time at the beach will transform me into a barnacle. If I dont report back, well you know whats happened 
Seriously, I am ever so grateful for this tranquil chapter in my life. I want to soak in as much as possible, because I do know change comes
Seriously, I am ever so grateful for this tranquil chapter in my life. I want to soak in as much as possible, because I do know change comes
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Lisa))) - I'm glad you're getting in so much time at the beach. I know the ocean is like a tranquilizer for me, in that it calms me so much, but it also allows me to think clearer. Something about seeing that HUGE ocean makes me put my stuff into perspective.
I finally got my grade for A&P. Was totally expecting a B, but got an A
Also got my class changed to have the same instructor, start back on Tue. I texted the mgr who was still working on the schedule, last night (our work week STARTS on Wed) to tell her I can't work Tue., and she just responded back "schedule made".
Okay, if they have me down for Tue., I won't be there and I'm not going to feel bad about it. They can't staff correctly, I've covered a lot of extra hours when there weren't enough people, so I can take a night off for school. Codie recovery at work
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I finally got my grade for A&P. Was totally expecting a B, but got an A
Also got my class changed to have the same instructor, start back on Tue. I texted the mgr who was still working on the schedule, last night (our work week STARTS on Wed) to tell her I can't work Tue., and she just responded back "schedule made".Okay, if they have me down for Tue., I won't be there and I'm not going to feel bad about it. They can't staff correctly, I've covered a lot of extra hours when there weren't enough people, so I can take a night off for school. Codie recovery at work
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 331
Gypsy take me with you please
How do you all do it? You all seem like you're cured lol I know you are not, but I feel like I'm getting worse actually.
I cannot detach from people, maybe I need a good codependency book, any recommendations? How do you let ppl and their problems go?
I guess cd is also one day at a time, UGH!
How do you all do it? You all seem like you're cured lol I know you are not, but I feel like I'm getting worse actually.
I cannot detach from people, maybe I need a good codependency book, any recommendations? How do you let ppl and their problems go?
I guess cd is also one day at a time, UGH!
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Time for a new part, gang
the thread continues here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...part-18-a.html
D
the thread continues here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...part-18-a.html
D
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