My wife is cheating on me with someone in her home group - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 12-20-2018, 07:40 PM   #1 (permalink)
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My wife is cheating on me with someone in her home group


Hi everyone. Iím new here and somewhat new to the addicted spouse. Long story short, my wife had an addiction problem with pain killers. She started a self detox for a weekend on her own. We then got her admitted to detox for a week. I was so proud of her. She came home clean and sober. We started back to church and everything. We were connecting on a spiritual level now! About a month into her sobriety and at the 12 step program, she started to act distant. She said I was smothering her because I wasnít letting her have alone time and be with her new friends at her group. I was used to her and I for 11 years, so a little jealousy was there, but I was learning to cope with it. She told me about nar anon meetings and I didnít go because I just didnít understand what she was going through. I thought it would just go away on its own, but I know that isnít the case. Her sister and husband, an on and off user lives in our spare bedroom and never pays bills and my wife never asked them too, even though repeatedly asking her to confront them. That started coming between us. She started staying out late till like 11 then go back out. Constantly texting and phone calls secretly all the time. Changed all her passwords and even blocked me from seeing her friends list on Facebook. She was becoming cold and distant and would never confide in me for anything she was going through. She would never call me or text me and let me know when she was coming home or what she was doing. She told me that I was treating her like a teenager wanting to know once in a while where she was. Sheís come home, not say hi and go hang out with her sister and husband all night. Sleep on the couch because she said the bed wasnít comfy. Hardly any contact. One night she types me a separation letter up and said she needs to find herself and that she needs time to figure stuff out on her own and we should live separately. To help my marriage, I moved to my parents. She claimed thereís nobody else and this is temporary. This was 2 weeks ago. Well, last week, she shows up to our place cause I was moving stuff. In our bedroom, I saw a half used bottle of massage oil on our bed. She said her 5 yr old nephew was rubbing her down. She played it off smoothly. Week after, she drops off some stuff at my work with some dude with her. Turns out itís someone in her home group. I went outside and saw them holding hands, but I didnít say anything. She told me he was in her group. I go back to my place next day and thereís some of his stuff in our bedroom and his name on our fridge as this is his home and family now with her name below his. I check our bank account and sheís buying his stuff like cigarettes. I still havenít confronted her yet, but by judging by our phone records, this has been happening for over a month now. Looks like they whacked up in a hotel room right before Thanksgiving. Iím wondering if heís 13th stepping her. He looks older than her. Looks like a real scumbag too! Taking advantage of a newly sober vulnerable addict that probably had shame, insecurity issues and didnít feel attractive even though I told her all the time how beautiful she was.Weíve been married for 15 years now, but 11 of those she was addicted. What would make her do this? Heís staying at my home. Iím playing nice right now pretending I donít know. How could she do this to her husband of 15 years? Itís lie after lie with her. I still love her and I will talk with her ASAP. I want answers and hopefully I get them. She stated she wanted to feel alive again being sober and independent. Is this a desire to be special and romanced again? Maybe an impulsive fling? They arenít even supposed to be seeing each other anyway due to relapse and the fact that she is married. Is she looking for a sexual awakening? I donít know! I just wonder why the hell shed dont this! I wonder if she loves me anymore, even though she has told me, but itís been a couple of weeks. Do these relationships even last. Sorry for the novel. I just need advice
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Old 12-21-2018, 02:21 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi and welcome to SR Triptych78 - I'm sorry for what brings you here tho.

Maybe the best course of action is just to ask her flat out whats going on?

You don;t say if there are kids involved in the relationship - if not then I think you have to decide what you want and wherther you're getting it in this relationship. I know your post has an element of NA within in it but I'm not in NA so I have no experience to share - if all is as you suspect this sounds to me like addict behaviour tho rather than NA behaviour if you get me?

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Old 01-01-2019, 05:53 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Taking advantage of a newly sober vulnerable addict? Don't think so. It takes two to tango. There are plenty of recovering (and non recovering) addicts and alcoholics who don't cheat on their spouses. If he knew she was married, then yes, he is a scumbag. But don't put it all on him. Best to clear the air with your wife asap. Good luck to you.
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