jenniferaz1980

I feel as thought I am going to burst. I tryed so hard this weekend to share with people in my life on how I feel. My mom said that just becasue you partner pasted away dosnt mean your going to die, then she just walked away. I called my sponser and she told me she never relized that my "girlfriend" was my partner she thought we were just friends. She dosnt feel that she can sponcer me any longer. I went to a meeting. I tryed to share and at this point I just could not get it out. I tryed so hard. It just wouldnt. I guess I stuffed it pretty good.

I am so scared. I know that path I am going down and I am trying so hard not to. I have to get it out. I just can not. On top of all that I am kinda scared how many more people I will loss over this.

I need a meeting so bad. I will go to my home group at 9:30. That is a long wait but I have no choice. It is the soon I can do.

Thanks I dont know if this make sence to anyone but I am trying.

shyQcodep

******{Jennifer}}}}

I don't know if any of what I've got to say will help in any way, and I haven't faced the kind of grief you're in, but I definitely have shared the ***not quite out*** experience in recovery. My partner is transgendered, and I present as a very queer man - but I really consider myself a no-progress transsexual. I started in recovery in Alanon, and there was no GLBT Alanon meeting in town at the time. I went anyway, and although I referred to my partner as she occasionally, I pretty quickly edited myself after I got a room full of blank stares. I stayed with Alanon through our shared bottom, and as soon as I saw an end to the crisis I found excuses not to go to meetings - and the biggest reason was that I felt so little in common with the room as they all discussed their children and I pretended my partner had no gender.

When I found a new personal bottom, I went back in, again via Alanon. I was real clear that I was there to work on myself, and I didn't edit my pronouns - which still got me lots of blank stares. Happily, a few months after I got back to Alanon I found a small (and still very small today) GLBT Alanon meeting - and that's where I really began to open up.

When I realized that my side of the street wasn't very clean and I decided to stop grass and alcohol, I went to AA. My first meeting was at our one and only GLBT AA meeting, so I felt safe there. However, in picking a daily meeting there was no such safe haven. Like everyone, I sometimes refer to my partner in my shares - and I now refuse to edit my pronouns. This still gets confusion and blank stares; at least my sponsor has some familiarity (as a lesbian) with transgendered folks, but most other folks only know what the hear from me.

Even in the GLBT meeting I feel out of place sometimes (of course, and good addict/alkie can feel out of place everywhere), but I keep going back.

Hang in there, hon - just keep typing here - tell us about your late partner, why you loved her, what you miss most about her, what you'll always remember fondly, and even about the bad times. ***I*** want to hear your story.

James

jenniferaz1980

James-

My girlfriend and I have been together for four almost five years. She was the ture love of my life. Having her in my life made me a better person. I finally found my soul mate.

We had started making plans for our furture together. We were found the house we were going to buyer in Ca. We had all the money in our savings acct for our weddings. We had a great little boy and I just got custody of my niece. Everything was falling together. She had her dream job in Ca and I had some good job offers out there. Things were working out.

I am not really in the closet but not out either. I dont hide the face but I dont make it obviouse either. I am not ashamed of her but I dont feel I have to tell everyone I am gay. Do you understand what I am trying to say.

I miss her so much. I can not sleep or eat. The kids are starting to relize what is going on. Everytime I try to close my eyes those special moments go thought my head and I loss it. I have gotten good at fronitng at work so that I can get thought the day. But one work is over so am I.

I am just so lost right now.

shyQcodep

******{Jennifer}}}}

In memory of miracle

(((jenifer))) I am so sorry for your loss.You are doin the right thing by gettin it out.I use therapy along with aa to help me with my issues and I got plenty! Thanks to not using and going to meetings I am getting alot better.You hang in there ! I am pullin for you ! Prayers Trish

Dan

Jennifer, my sympathies for the passing of your mate. How awful you must feel.
I have been blessed , I guess, at being able to develop true friendships with gay men and lesbians very early on in adulthood. I've seen many of them suffer in countless, cruel ways. My heart and my prayers go out to you
And ShyQ... Thank you.

jenniferaz1980

Thanks guys. I do appriciate it.

But the "gay" part is just making all the hurt wrong. I love this women with all my heart body and soul. Yes she was another female but this was love and I feel like part of me was riped out and no one cares because I am "gay".

I am so hurting right now. I think I am going to go home early and crawl back into bed and try to stay there.

Dan

Hoping today finds you in a better light jennifer.

jenniferaz1980

I am feel a little better today. Slowly but surely I hope everything gets back to normal.

I am just so sad and lost and it has been awhile since I felt like that.

shyQcodep

Jennifer,

I'm glad to see you back today and hear a touch of hope in your post. Keep writing it out here.

What I wrote to you here last night prompted me to cover some of that ground again in my home group this morning - I trust that the room (not necessarily all of the members, but the ***room***) accepts me as I am, but only if I tell them who I am. It had been several weeks since I told those aspects of my story and there were a few new people in the room, and if I expect them to hear my shares as something other than a dialect of Martian they need to hear the context.

The raw (about 2 weeks) newcomer in the room came up to me after the meeting and thanked me for my share. Wow.... I'm blushing as I think about it.

J.

KelKel

Jennifer
I get so frustrated with our shallow-minded society.
So sorry you are going through this right now.

keep coming here, I want to hear about your partner and help you celebrate the love you two had together..

(((Shy))) good to see you..

jenniferaz1980

James your story did make me feel a little better. It is nice to know I am not the only one going thought what I am.

The thing that really gets me is the fact that no one had anything bad to say about my sexuality till now. I am dealling with enought I dont need that added on top of it.

I talked about this stuff in the meeting I dragged my self to last night. People looked at me like I was crazy. But some came up to me after and talk to me a little. Then I called my mom on my way home. She asked me where I was. I told her on my way home from a meeting. She told me i was being dramatic. I have been clean for 7 years and it is time to let it go. I tryed to explain to her that I want to escape so bad right now. She said that I need to just get over myself.

It just gets me how this support system that I have really dosnt understand or have my best intrest at heart. They dont get how hurt I am and how bad I want to escape.

shyQcodep

Jennifer, I'm still looking forward to hearing more about your life with your late partner. Start either at the beginning or the end - I want to hear both ends anyway. I can hear an echo of the sweetness of that life in your posts, but I want to know that story - I want it to be so real that I could touch it.

James

jenniferaz1980

Well if you really want to know I can share. But I really don’t want to have anyone come in and read it and have anything bad or derogative about it. So if you disagree with the way I live my life please keep it to yourself. I hear enough of it.

Stephanie .... Just writing her name brought a smile to my being. I met her thought an acquaintance of ours. We were talking about politics and I found her view to be very intriguing so when she asked for my # I gave it to her. She did not call for like two week so I had gone and forgot about it. When she called she said she was thinking she wanted to take me to dinner. I remember like yesterday the butterfly that started to flutter in my stomach. Now at this time I was very much in the closet so I told her I would meet her at the restaurant and she was OK with that. That first date was so special even thought it did not consist of much. We had a nice dinner talking and laughing and just having a great time. Then we drove out to the lake and sat and talked. It was so nice because there was no expectation and she made me forget about everything that was going on in my life at the time.

We just enjoyed being around each other. For the next few month we went out at least one night of the weekend. We did everything from the clubs and bars to the bowling ally. What every we felt like doing we did. Well one night she walked me to my car and asked me if I would go out the next night with her to her nephew’s baseball game. Of course I said yes till I realized that I had no idea how to get there. I lied and told her that I was really busy. I could tell by the look in her eye that she knew I was lying. She looked hurt. I was so ashamed of what I had done that I ignored her. I did not take her calls or emails. Well a week or so later my aunt yelled up to my room that there was someone there for me. I walked down the stairs to see her standing there with a dozen roses. I was so scared and surprised at the same time I stated to cry. I invited her up to my room.

Now this is the moment I feel in love with her. She kneeled down in front of me and looked me straight in my eyes and told me that when she is around me she feels like she can take on the world. She said that she understands what I am going thought with my family. She told me that she did not want anything from me but my friendship. (The tears are welling in my eyes as I type this) She then put the roses in my lap and walked out of my room and down the stairs. I remember sitting on my bed for what felt like hours. I then ran down the stairs and out there door and there she was leaning against my car and her face light up when she saw me. I ran over and gave her a hug and asked her to come in and meet my aunt, uncle and cousin.

Now she was still just a friend when I introduced her to my family. But I knew that I loved her. And the love only grew over the years.

She worked nights for the longest time and I have an 8 to 5 job. So we did not see each other very much. But every night when she would crawl into bed with me she would kiss me on the forehead and it would give me an overwhelming sense of peace. At those important moments she said that right thing. How she knew when I needed space and gave it to me. She was truly my soul mate. She made me a better person. She completed me.

I really cannot talk about it anymore right now. I think I need to go.

KelKel

Love & Light

sreynolds1977

I'll bet it seems like they are having the same reaction to your sexuality as they did to your addiction...

I feel certain that there is a common thread in those two things. The words you use to describe your recent loss, your sexuality and peoples reaction to them almost sound like you are talking in the same tone as an addict describing their addiction and it's impact on their life.

I think the truth of the matter is you don't like their reaction because it is the same as how you feel about yourself. I think that this woman loved you and you loved her...but you don't love yourself. That is why it feels so bad now that she is gone. That is why you want to use: There is no one left to love you. And all of those other people who "make" you feel bad are in your life because you put them there to support the reality that you think you deserve.

It does not matter if you are straight, gay, transsexual or whatever, you still deserve to love someone, to have someone love you and most of all, to love yourself - no matter what that self's orientation is.

You need to somehow get to the roots of that lack of self love. Dig it up, deal with it and let it's lies wither and die in the light of day.

Your mothers right, you do need to get over yourself. The self that does not love you.

There is no better time for this than when the gift of desperation is pumping through your veins.

sreynolds1977

I feel pretty horrible about the last post I wrote to you, considering the loss you are suffering. I am truly sorry for what you have to endure.

I haven't had any love in my life for quite some time and it makes me a rather callous person at times.

Still, I think my post may have some bits of value for you. I apologize for the tone of it at this time of your life.

Sometimes people post on this forum once or twice and then they are never heard from again. I sometimes feel I have to say everything thats on my mind - good and bad, no matter the circumstances - before they are gone forever.

Hope you will be around for a while.

spirit

Oh jennifer

i have tears in my eyes as i have read your story and gone back over your other threads.

I know so much how you are feeling, your sexuality has no bearing on your grief, yet for some reason others feel that is does, they dont understand such relationships therefore cannot understand that such a lose is as significant to you as anyone else.

their confusion about your sexuality gets in the way of your grieving, dont let that be so.

you said "But the "gay" part is just making all the hurt wrong."

that is so NOT true.

your pain is real, it is valid, it is normal, your relationship with Stephanie was and will continue to be real, valid and normal because it was YOUR relationship. i dont mean normal in the hetro sense, i mean normal because it is normal and natural for you.

not sure if i am explaining this well.

it wouldnt matter if you had a relationship with an alien from mars.

you were in love and loved. it sounds like you shared a very special partnership and that has to be honored, if by no one else then at least by you. i honor your relationship with stephanie to.

so cry your eyes out, do not deny what you had and those memories, which sound so wonderful. to deny this would deny yourself and stephanie.

embrass your grief, enjoy the memories, these will help you move forward, even though that is the last thing you feel like doing now or feel that you can ever do.

you will move forward, your relationship and stephanie will travel with you.

biggest hugs mate
vale and god's speed to stephanie
and thank you for sharing your beautiful memories.

kath

ps sometimes mum's dont know what to say so they say what they think is right, but they get it wrong. ignore it for now but when you feel stronger take the time to tell your mum that you hurt so much because you have lost your partner and that is real, valid and normal. she may never understand it, but she will have heard it.

but for the moment focus on your healing, use your memories to give you strength to get through this, you sound like one bright, tough and together lady.

hugs to you
kath

jenniferaz1980

sreynolds1977 -- I am not trying to be rude to you in any way. But you dont really know me and those are some pretty harsh things. What you dont understand in how much Stephanie and I live were intertwined. There is alot of emotions running thought me and I want to run from that. I love Stephanie and she still loves me. I am not wanting to use becasue I hate myself and the fact that I am gay. I have come to terms with this over there yeras. I am living out of the clostet and have for a long time. People have chose a very bad time to share with me how much they disagree with the way that I live my life. They are not making me hate myself at all. I just wish that there were people to support me sespite the fact that I am gay.

The feeling that I want to use is me wanting to run from the emotions of not having my soul mate. If my partner was a guy would you have an easier time see how hurt and emotional that I am? I dont like having to feel these feelings. Right now I am not sure where my life is going. I had a path put together before. I was working towards somthing that can not happen now. I am lost. It is not about not being loved. My Hp loved me. My kids love me. My aunt and uncle love me. My mom loved me. My sister and brother love me. my friends love me. It is about the loss and the void that is in my life.

You might also what to think that a post like yours could chase someone away. If you are feeling vauable the last thing you need is somone to be so judegmental. I have been around since may and will continue to post.

Kath-- Thanks you for you understanding. What I ment by the gay making it wrong is that fact that I never feel like I get out what I want to get out when it come to my emotions in the situations becasue I am having to deal with everyone else problem about who I am. I never get a chance to just talk about her and us. Me bing "gay" is such a small part of me and who we were together. Do get what I am trying to say.

My mom has always been open about not agreeing but she has accepted me for who I was. But she has said some very harsh things that have really hurt. But I love my mom and she loved me and we will be fine.



I kind wish I would not have shared this much. I am a mess right now!

Dan

Jen, above all, do not question yourself for sharing your sorrow. Sreynolds is obviously a very confused person.
What matters here is what you feel.
As hard as it may be Jen, turn it over. Make like that post never existed.
My HP is in concert with yours tonight Jen