jenniferaz1980

I told myself that I was not going to share this becasue of the reactions I have gotten from my family and close freinds. But I can not hold it in any more. And I can not thing of a better place to share it than here. You all are so care but at the same time I dont have to look at you and you look at me while I share it.

My partner of many years past away. She was my soul mate who really made me a better person. She supported me in EVERYTHING that I did.

I am now so lost. Everything in my world has been turned upside down. We had a plan for life that very much invovled both of us. Now that she is not here I am not sure where I am going with my life. Let alone all the emotions that I have.

I have never been good expressing and dealing with them emotion. I have told my sponcer and she is at a loss for words. It is like she dosnt know what to say. I know that my fellow addicts in homegroup have noticed a change. I have back away from some service activites that I would normally take advatage of and I am not as open as I normally am. But I am kind of scared that I will get the same reaction from them that I have from family and sponcer.

I have come to know relaps behavior in myself. I see alot of it now. I do everything that I can to stop it. But at the same time there are people in my life who are feeding it. I have freinds who tell me "jenn you dont have a problem drink you have a problem with drugs. one drink might make you feel better" I see myself trying to talk myself into it. When this happens I call my sponcor and she helps me get past that moment. But the only thing that scares me is the day will come when I dont make that call. It scares the sh** out of me.

I dont know what the point of all this is but maybe if I put it out there it will help me turn it over to my HP! Somthing right now has to give and I hope it is not my sobity!

Gooch

I'm glad you realized that pain shared is pain lessened. So many times in our lives things happen that are totally beyond our control. When we get clean we regain the capaicty to feel all of our feelings, the good and the not so comfortable ones. It can be overwhelming when these intense emotions that we so long avoided come cascading down on us. WE can get through them without using by doing the things you are doing, talking about them with other addicts, calling our sponsors, and working on accepting the feelings we have as exactly the way we are suppose to be feeling. The sooner we accept our feelings the sooner they subside to be replaced with different ones. You probably have some grieving to do and it helps to know what to expect. Anytime we experience a loss there are different stages we go through ..

Impact of Loss: The Grieving Process
When a loved one is dying or dies, there is a grieving process. Recovery is a slow and emotionally painful one. The grieving process can be less painful if you try to understand that loss and grief is a natural part of life. Learn to accept your loss and believe in yourself. Believe that you can cope with tragic happenings. Let your experience be a psychological growth process that will help you to deal with future stressful events.
The grieving process usually consists of the following stages. Note that not everyone goes through all these stages.

Denial and Shock
At first, it may be difficult for you to accept your own dying or the death of a loved one. As a result you will deny the reality of death. However, this denial will gradually diminish as you begins to express and share your feelings about death and dying with other friends.

Anger
During this stage the most common question asked is "why me?". You are angry at what you perceive to be the unfairness of death and you may project and displace your anger unto others. When given some social support and respect, you will eventually become less angry and able to move into the next stage of grieving.

Bargaining
Many people try to bargain with some sort of diety. They probably try to bargain and offer to give up an enjoyable part of their lives in exchange for the return of health or the lost person.

Guilt
You may find yourself feeling guilty for things you did or didn't do prior to the loss. Forgive yourself. Accept your humanness.

Depression
You may at first experience a sense of great loss. Mood fluctuations and feelings of isolation and withdrawal may follow. It takes time for you, the grieving person, to gradually return to your old self and become socially involved in what's going on around you.

Loneliness
As you go through changes in your social life because of the loss, you may feel lonely and afraid. The more you are able to reach out to others and make new friends, the more this feeling lessens.

Acceptance
Acceptance does not mean happiness. Instead you accept and deal with the reality of the situation.

Hope
Eventually you will reach a point where remembering will be less painful and you can begin to look ahead to the future and more good times.


As if this grieving process isn't enough to go through .. we as addicts especially when we are new in recovery are allready experienceing the grieving proces for the loss of our drugs. You have been hit with a double whammy and it may take you some time to get over things.. Please keep reaching out, give yourself a break, be encouraged that its ok to feel the feelings, and don't interupt the process by picking up that first one. You can get through this without loosing your sobriety. We're here for you.

here is anohter link that may help you better understand these feelings...

http://www.sidhe66.atfreeweb.com/griefstage.htm

jenniferaz1980

Thanks Gooch I have been waiting for someone to say somthing.

That is another issue I am dealling with. I have 7 years clean. But this is the first really emotion thing I have been thought in this time. I feel that I should already know how to deal with my emotions. and I dont.

are you trying to tell me these feeling will last up to two years???? I can do it for that long!

splendra

Jennifer-

I am so sorry for your loss.(((((((((((((big hug )))))))))))))))) to you girl. As you go through the emotions of grief each stage will make things a little clearer for you. Healing comes in layers it is kinda like peeling an onion and sometimes we come to a layer that makes tears come into our eyes. The tears will help us heal. Eachday will get you closer to total healing. You are not going to forget your loved one... perhaps it would be good for you to be around some people who knew and loved her too. Everybody is different and we heal at different times you might get thru the denial stage with more ease than me but,I might be able to get over trying to make a bargin a little faster than you. I am going to put you on my prayer list Jenniferas1980. YOu take care and come here as much as you want to.

Gooch

we grive the same way we refcover.. a day at a time or if that seems to long one minute at a time. The 2 year time frame probably includes the overall process, but tere will be relief times in between the tough times.

Gooch

we grive the same way we recover.. a day at a time or if that seems too long, one minute at a time. The 2 year time frame probably includes the overall process, but there will be relief times in between the tough times.

Chy

I too am so sorry for you loss Jennifer. Allow yourself to go through the process of grieving. To grieve is to heal. I'm glad you shared that with us so someone else out there going through the same thing, will see that they are not alone with these emotions. *hugs*

namommy

Jennifer,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing my partner and not having people understand and be compasionate. Gooch pretty much said it all. Go through your process and allow yourself to feel your feelings. You are, after all, human. It's OK to cry, tears are very healing. Please don't pick up that drink. The people who are telling you to do that, don't understand this disease, but you do. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Love ya

Laurie D

jenniferaz1980

Thanks guys. I do have my head on right. I dont want to use but I am so scared that I dont leave my house except for work.

My partner sponsor told me to keep doing what is normal to me and one day it will all feel normal again. It is good advised but I am afraid that it wil make me forget her. But there really isnt anything else to do. I have our son to think about.

Thanks for listening I appriciate it more than you call know. It is very scary and i need this.

ssindi

Like everyone else said, please don't pick up that drink. I will seen prayers your way and extend my ((((((HUGS)))))) to you. Loosing a close partner is a very painful ordeal. I have come to realize that with some friends I have in my fellowship. Please hang in there and I'm thinking of you and your lost one and know she is in a better place now. I know that is hard to imagine but please keep the faith and your higher power will see you through this. (((((Jennifer)))))

jenniferaz1980

OMG everytime I read this post it make me want to start crying. Dealling with emotions is such a hard thing. I am trying so very hard to stuff them but they are not stuffing and I dont want to have to pick to stuff them. But I just can not seem to express how I feel.

justine

My Heart Goes Out To You.i Only Hope And Pray You Find A Way To Deal With This Devastating Loss.
Stay Strong And Safe And May The Angels Look Down Upon You.

namommy

Jennifer,

Don't stuff your feelings, let them go. I know it may feel like you are going to shatter if you do, but that's OK. We are all here to help pick up the peices and put you back together again. You will probably feel much better if you let it out. Cry your eyes out, kick, scream, get any way you think will help. Just get it out so it doesn't eat you up inside.

Love ya

Laurie D

jenniferaz1980

It is so hard to make myself go thought the emotions. I want to cry at the drop of a dime, and at the same time I am so angry. When i start to feel those emotions I try to change the subject or where I am so that it will leave my head.

I know that it is somthing that I need to stop and deal with but I can not. It is so hard. I dont know if the peices will go back togwther.

ted

(((((((JENNIFER)))))) GODSPEED

.............................ted

Dawn10

Jennifer,
i am so sorry for your loss. The loss of anyone close is hard and it is harder when the others closer to you don't seem to understand.
Don't be afraid to cry and show your emotions. I think the biggest reason many of us use our DOC is to stuff those emotions, because somewhere in the past we were told that showing anything but happiness and bravery was unacceptable. God would not have given us the gamut of emotions if we were not to experience them appropriately. Although I can't totally put myself in your place, I can to a certain extent as my Mom is slowly dying of heart and lung problems. I have been what my pastor and therapist call pre- grieving. I cry when I feel like it and I get angry when I feel like it, though I use the anger to be constructive. I share my feelings more readily with those I trust. It helps. I didn't say it takes the feeling of loss or impending loss away, but it helps and is a lot healthier than using.
Listen to your instincts about what you can and can't do. Slowly you will work through those phases of grief and don't let anyone tell you how fast you should "heal". It is different for everyone.
Keep posting and most importantly Keep on keeping on!

sherbear5104

Sorry to hear of you loss. Everyone has already given such good advice. No one ever said recovery would be easy. Change is anything but that and losing someone you love is a tremendous change. Just pray to your HP for the courage to deal with this. My heart goes out to you.

Sherry