Onewithwings

I have worked the first step twice now-- once at my rehab, and again with my sponsor. I will be doing it a third time now because I have continued to relapse. My sponsor wants me to do 90 in 90 and THEN start working the steps again. I have not strung together 90 days since I was pregnant. I am trying to take it slow though, and work through this period without getting ahead of myself.

However, I do want some help preparing for my first step. I need to know why making this admission, that I am powerless and my life has become unmanageable, doesn't seem to sway me from using. I get in a state where I just want to live out my powerless, unmanageable life, as high as humanly possible.

What can I add in my admission to help me to earnestly NOT want to go back to using? How can I use this step to make myself realize how miserable I will be without staying clean?

Missybuns

When my desire to stay clean became greater than the desire to use, I wanted to learn how to live a different way.

Making an admission was only the first part for me. The next was to accept it.

Keep coming back,
Missy

Gmoney

That's the hit, Missy!

Just because we admit something doesn't mean we have fully accepted the reality of it. I've had a couple of sponsees that had to start over at Step 1 after a relapse. Why? Because they apparently missed that simply stating that you're powerless doesn't mean you know that you are...and the relapse proves that their surrender was conditional. Another part of step one is getting honest with yourself about how bad you want to stay clean.

myselfsober

I knew for a very long time that I was an addict and in fact had no problem admitting it, to others to myself and to the God of my understanding. The issue I had ( and as with all my problems I didnt see it until it was too late) was that I really had not accepted, that little voice I als tried to ignore was in my head ( yet again) telling me that this time it would be different .......for me I had to accept that I can never use a drug again, for me to use is to die and when I am not doing the next right thing and not being honest with myself I can forget that very easily ......

All our paths are different and this may not be the case for you but I just found that saying it was totally different to truly admitting it to myself and accepting that I will never use again :-)

bigchief

step 1, is identifying the problem, when i use i cant control the outcome/amount etc, when normal people use they can take it or leave it, they get a feeling of getting high.
when i use my mind convinces me to buy more that i really wanted to and then once in my body i cant stop untill i fall over or run out, so the Step1 identifys the problem is i can use safely, step1 is a problem statement.........

the problem is in the mind and in the body..........my mind says its ok and this time it will be different (to which it never is)
and in my body i get a craving of getting more/higher, normal people dont get this.........POWERLESS!!

so step2 is the solution to the problem....."come to believe in a POWER greater than ourselves can restore me to sanity"
so the SOLUTION is to find this POWER to over come my POWERLESSNESS???

step3....."make a decision to hand my will and life over to the care of GOD as i understand him"
its just a decision to find this POWER and ask for help, as my power/will wont stop my PROBLEM........

so identify the problem, look for a POWER and make a DECISION for that POWER to help..........simple eh?

hope that helps.......Keith

MURPHAUTO

I am all new to this. I am 44 and have been using alcohol, pot and most of all narcotics. I took my last morpnine30 saturday and feel like hell. Still have some percocet7.5 and some 7.5 vicodin. Last night was by far the worst, so I broke and took 2 perks. Told my wife what was happening and she is just utterly disgusted with me adding to already overwhelming depression. I have a beautiful little girl and fear I am gonna lose her, or even worse, she will go down the same road I am on. I am so lost, ashamed and overwhelmed.

Missybuns

Murphauto,
Welcome to SR. Look into a plan for your recovery. Plan your play, then play your plan.

Consider getting help, we don't have to do this alone.

Do you know how to find recovery meetings in your area?
AA or NA are pretty much every where.

Peace,
Missy

Leosbud

I was looking for help on the internet as I have decided to stop taking all pain meds, when I came upon this site. I hope I can find some help here. I am on 10mg's oxycodone 4 times a day and 60 mg morphine 2 times a day. I have been taking this stuff for 5 years. Went to pain management and was given my script last month. Did not realize I had only received the morphine until I went to pick it up. Called the Dr. but said they had both scripts to me. They of course would not write a new one. Guess I was naive. Never thought they would not believe I did not get it. Made the decision before to get off but could not stand the w/d or the pain. I have lost weight so I hope that will help the pain, I hate being dependant on these drugs. I know I will have to increase dosage if I stay on them to get relief. I took my last dosage 2 am the 2nd. Yesterday was bad, chills, couldn't sleep, restless legs and arms. My sister is on methodone so last night she suggested I take those to help me through. Took 10 mg's did feel better in about an hour and slept for 3 hours. Read o few of the posts and found that may have been a mistake. So won't take anymore. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

searching4zen

[QUOTE=Onewithwings;2679050]I get in a state where I just want to live out my powerless, unmanageable life, as high as humanly possible.
QUOTE]

for me living my powerless, unmanageable life as high as humanly possible means jails, institutions, and death, i've already been to 2 out of the three and close to dying.

i tried every single way possible to control my using to the point where this wasn't the outcome and it never worked.

AliceLavanya

Living with addiction has shown me faster than anything that I have the amazing power to forget what I just learned!

dratsab

Since this is my first time being sober, I'm new to all of this... so I don't really have any advice that will be worth anything. But with regards to the first step, I can think of two scenarios that could happen: 1. You've forgotten the seriousness of your situation or 2. You haven't forgotten, but were unable to (for whatever reason) fight the cravings.

I would think that if the reason you relapsed is because you had forgotten, then maybe the problem is that you might know that you are powerless... but maybe you don't really understand what it means... or something along those lines. It sort of reminds me of what I hear from people who I know that have relapses. They say that they knew they had a problem, but didn't really believe it and were continuing to play under their own rules.

I don't know what to say about the second possibility other than that means you might need to work harder on the things other than the first step. Either way, I think it would be really beneficial if you tried to understand exactly understand why you relapsed. And sometimes, doing that can be pretty hard because you have to be brutally honest with yourself.

What you are going through is a fear I have of my own recovery. So I am looking forward to hear from everyone else and even from your own experiences of your relapse.

u71272

u71272 looking for internet sponsor !

u71272

u71272. my addiction is in my brain but my recovery is in my heart.

u71272

u71272 I meant to say I agree with you on forgetting the consequences of addiction once the pain goes away. My disease will tell me I am ok .

bolivar

I have found this website very helpful. First looked at it when I was thinking about drinking on a business trip in New York City & it stopped me. I first got clean & sober in 1998. I stayed sober for 3 1/2 years. I had a 6 month relapse & then was sober for 7 years. That time I really worked the program - sponsor, steps, service you name it. I relapsed again in December 2009. This time it was much more controlled. I have a wife, 2 small children (2 & 4 years old) & a responsible job (I also got a Masters degree in Business when I was sober in 2007). I went to a psychiatrist last week & He talked about how after 40 (I am 41) alcohol abuse can cause permanent brain damage. That & the affect my alcoholism could have on my wife & children are the main reasons I want to get sober (since in most other 'outward' ways my drinking has not had negative impact yet). I think my relapse has 2 main causes -
1) I 'forget' how bad i was before
2) I get to a point of stress & anxiety where I don't even care.
Please any help or advice would help me so much? I NEED HELP! I'm ready to admit that (again). Normally I'm a very persistent. God knows I have tried hard to stay clean & sober over the years (& have had some success - 3 years then 7 years). But life just got unbearable in 2009 with pressure, responsibilities & depression.