Step 1
Step 1 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: S.E. Mich.
Posts: 1,433
When we admit our powerlessness and the inability to manage our own lives, we open the door to recovery. No one could convince us that we were addicts. It is an admission that we had to make for ourselves. When some of us have doubts, we ask ourselves this question: "Can I control my use of any form of mind or mood-altering chemicals?"
Most will see that control is impossible the moment it is suggested. Whatever the outcome, we find that we cannot control our using for any length of time.
This would clearly suggest that an addict has no control over drugs. Powerlessness means using against our will. If we can't stop, how can we tell ourselves we are in control? The inability to stop using, even with the greatest willpower and the most sincere desire, is what we mean when we say, "We have absolutely no choice".
- Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Chapter 4/Step 1
Most will see that control is impossible the moment it is suggested. Whatever the outcome, we find that we cannot control our using for any length of time.
This would clearly suggest that an addict has no control over drugs. Powerlessness means using against our will. If we can't stop, how can we tell ourselves we are in control? The inability to stop using, even with the greatest willpower and the most sincere desire, is what we mean when we say, "We have absolutely no choice".
- Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Chapter 4/Step 1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: S.E. Mich.
Posts: 1,433
The central task of Step 1 is to recognize that our lives are beyond our control, and we cannot continue our superhuman efforts at patching up the many mistakes we make. We recognize that it is time to move from a crisis mode to a prevention mode.
Here are some familiar patterns:
* Alcoholics or drug abusers find that no one will believe their promises anymore.
* Overeaters recognize that all diets have ultimately failed and that they are now facing life-threatening illness.
* Co-dependents find they are too ill or exhausted to go on doing everyone's work and that others have become more and more resistant to the co-dependent's efforts to control them.
* Workaholics find deadlines passing by unmet, forget to write down appointments, or fall ill with no "contingency plan".
* ACOAs become so overwhelmed by their standards and commitments that they cannot get out of bed to act on anything.
- The Twelve Step Journal, p. 39
Here are some familiar patterns:
* Alcoholics or drug abusers find that no one will believe their promises anymore.
* Overeaters recognize that all diets have ultimately failed and that they are now facing life-threatening illness.
* Co-dependents find they are too ill or exhausted to go on doing everyone's work and that others have become more and more resistant to the co-dependent's efforts to control them.
* Workaholics find deadlines passing by unmet, forget to write down appointments, or fall ill with no "contingency plan".
* ACOAs become so overwhelmed by their standards and commitments that they cannot get out of bed to act on anything.
- The Twelve Step Journal, p. 39
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
my sponsor told this is not an action step.
it's a recognition step..but a very powerful step..
Denial is cunning, baffling, and power becuase the human
mind is cunning, baffling and powerful.
He simply ask me to make a desperation list. Yes with the drugs
use of course..but he said everything, all of the jammed i got myself
into..into the piont of desperations...unmanageabilities.
Kind of wierd at first of course..becuase i thought it was
just about not using.
He use to say...."and then" to me all the time.
I was getting an impression..he was saying to me.
"Okay you addmited..so freaknen what....what the hell are you
going to do about it ??"
But he also kept me on this step for a while.. Maybe becuase
I was still in funk in my first 6 months of recovery and was
going to complicate everything.
Plus he was trying to teach me sometime.
I think is was somewhere along the line of ..no more instant gradifications.
and i wasn't going to us the 12 steps as just that..another one of my fox hole prayers BS.
Always saying "you have to build a foundation"...easy dose it.
Totally backwards of how i wanted to do things..becuase by the time
i got to him..I relasped a couple of times already..and was gong ho about
wanting to get the 12steps over with.lol
He told me I could work on the steps if I wanted without him..but if i choose
him as a sponsor..that's how it was going to be done...becuase that's how his
sponsor taught him.
This sentence...
" we did not have to think twice, many of us knew already we 're
addicts"
Kind of makesence to me what my sponsor was trying to get me
to understand/absorb/comprehend...."and then".lol
I think the desperation list I had to make and carry it in my
wallet was getting me into preventive mode.
it's a recognition step..but a very powerful step..
Denial is cunning, baffling, and power becuase the human
mind is cunning, baffling and powerful.
He simply ask me to make a desperation list. Yes with the drugs
use of course..but he said everything, all of the jammed i got myself
into..into the piont of desperations...unmanageabilities.
Kind of wierd at first of course..becuase i thought it was
just about not using.
He use to say...."and then" to me all the time.
I was getting an impression..he was saying to me.
"Okay you addmited..so freaknen what....what the hell are you
going to do about it ??"
But he also kept me on this step for a while.. Maybe becuase
I was still in funk in my first 6 months of recovery and was
going to complicate everything.
Plus he was trying to teach me sometime.
I think is was somewhere along the line of ..no more instant gradifications.
and i wasn't going to us the 12 steps as just that..another one of my fox hole prayers BS.
Always saying "you have to build a foundation"...easy dose it.
Totally backwards of how i wanted to do things..becuase by the time
i got to him..I relasped a couple of times already..and was gong ho about
wanting to get the 12steps over with.lol
He told me I could work on the steps if I wanted without him..but if i choose
him as a sponsor..that's how it was going to be done...becuase that's how his
sponsor taught him.
This sentence...
" we did not have to think twice, many of us knew already we 're
addicts"
Kind of makesence to me what my sponsor was trying to get me
to understand/absorb/comprehend...."and then".lol
I think the desperation list I had to make and carry it in my
wallet was getting me into preventive mode.
Last edited by SaTiT; 12-09-2007 at 03:55 AM.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Berea,Ohio
Posts: 397
There are some vital questions in my working on this step, I will post them as a help guide to anyone working on it.
1. What does the disease of Addiction mean to me?
2.Has my disease been active recently? How?
3.What is it like when I am obsessed with something?Does my thinking follow a pattern?Describe
4.How does the self centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me?
5.How have I blamed others for my behavior?
6.Do I feel I have enough info. on addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand?
7.What crisis brought me to recovery?
8.When did I first recognize my addiction as a problem?Did I try to correct it?If so, how? If not, why?
9. Over what exactly, am I powerless?
10.How has my addiction caused me to hurt myself and others?
11.What does being unmanageable mean to me?
12.Did I take drugs or act out on my addictionto change or harbor my feelings?What was I trying to change or hide?
13.Have I accepted the full measure of my disease?
14.Do I think I can still associate with people connected with my addiction?
15.Can I begin my recovery without complete surrender?
16.In what ways am I practicing open mindedness?
17.Am I willing to follow my sponsors direction?
18. Do I have a sense of my relative importance within my circle of family and friends? In society? What is that sense?
19. Have I made peace with the fact that I am a addict?
20. Have I made peace with the things I will have to do to stay clean?
21. How is acceptance of my disease necessary for my recovery?
22.How do I know it is time to move on?
23.What is my understanding of Step One?
These Questions are taken from the Step Working Guide of NA.These are a great tool in working this step, but make sure you also work with your sponsor too.
1. What does the disease of Addiction mean to me?
2.Has my disease been active recently? How?
3.What is it like when I am obsessed with something?Does my thinking follow a pattern?Describe
4.How does the self centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me?
5.How have I blamed others for my behavior?
6.Do I feel I have enough info. on addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand?
7.What crisis brought me to recovery?
8.When did I first recognize my addiction as a problem?Did I try to correct it?If so, how? If not, why?
9. Over what exactly, am I powerless?
10.How has my addiction caused me to hurt myself and others?
11.What does being unmanageable mean to me?
12.Did I take drugs or act out on my addictionto change or harbor my feelings?What was I trying to change or hide?
13.Have I accepted the full measure of my disease?
14.Do I think I can still associate with people connected with my addiction?
15.Can I begin my recovery without complete surrender?
16.In what ways am I practicing open mindedness?
17.Am I willing to follow my sponsors direction?
18. Do I have a sense of my relative importance within my circle of family and friends? In society? What is that sense?
19. Have I made peace with the fact that I am a addict?
20. Have I made peace with the things I will have to do to stay clean?
21. How is acceptance of my disease necessary for my recovery?
22.How do I know it is time to move on?
23.What is my understanding of Step One?
These Questions are taken from the Step Working Guide of NA.These are a great tool in working this step, but make sure you also work with your sponsor too.
Evolving Addict
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New York State
Posts: 3,067
When I first came to NA and got involved with a sponsor, my primary concern was learning how to stay clean. I’m willing to bet I wasn’t alone in that regard. But, it was around the time I got my 1st Step assignment that I found out that drugs were just a symptom of my disease and that the admissions of powerlessness and unmanageability applied to so many other aspects of my life. Not only was I powerless and unmanageable when it came to drugs, I was the same regarding almost everything else.
The First Step, in the Basic Text, tells us pretty plainly, “We are powerless not only over drugs, but over our addiction as well.” And if we were to take a look at our 1st Step in How It Works, we’ll find, “…when we first come into the program, our drug addiction is how we identify with each other and the program. As we continue in our recovery, we will see how these aspects of our addiction (obsession, compulsion and self-centeredness) can manifest themselves in many areas of our lives.”
Powerlessness does not mean hopelessness, helplessness, or incapability. It simply means that I have limitations, boundaries and restrictions that I must try to stay aware of. Just because my life has gotten better as a result of abstinence from drug use (and certain other behaviors), does not mean I can assume total control of anything.
It is the denial of those limitations, boundaries and restrictions that bring about unmanageability and consequences in my life. If I can’t control my addiction, how can I control my life? Remember that question from Step One? It’s amazing how many of us forget that one. The reality is that there are many powers much greater than myself that directly influence and “control” aspects of my life that I can’t begin to understand. This awareness is humbling.
Although I have the ability to make better choices and decisions today because of staying clean and doing the work set forth in the Steps of NA (“powered-up“, if you will), I don’t fool myself into thinking that I’ve reached a point of being “powerful” or no longer suffering from the disease of addiction. Although it was desperation and drug addiction that brought me to the rooms of NA, it was the honest admission (and acceptance) of being an addict that lead to my initial surrender. The paradox of “surrendering to win” still applies to me, even with years of clean time. I’m still recovering from the disease of addiction, I’m still in need of help because I can’t do it alone, and I’m still powerless.
The First Step, in the Basic Text, tells us pretty plainly, “We are powerless not only over drugs, but over our addiction as well.” And if we were to take a look at our 1st Step in How It Works, we’ll find, “…when we first come into the program, our drug addiction is how we identify with each other and the program. As we continue in our recovery, we will see how these aspects of our addiction (obsession, compulsion and self-centeredness) can manifest themselves in many areas of our lives.”
Powerlessness does not mean hopelessness, helplessness, or incapability. It simply means that I have limitations, boundaries and restrictions that I must try to stay aware of. Just because my life has gotten better as a result of abstinence from drug use (and certain other behaviors), does not mean I can assume total control of anything.
It is the denial of those limitations, boundaries and restrictions that bring about unmanageability and consequences in my life. If I can’t control my addiction, how can I control my life? Remember that question from Step One? It’s amazing how many of us forget that one. The reality is that there are many powers much greater than myself that directly influence and “control” aspects of my life that I can’t begin to understand. This awareness is humbling.
Although I have the ability to make better choices and decisions today because of staying clean and doing the work set forth in the Steps of NA (“powered-up“, if you will), I don’t fool myself into thinking that I’ve reached a point of being “powerful” or no longer suffering from the disease of addiction. Although it was desperation and drug addiction that brought me to the rooms of NA, it was the honest admission (and acceptance) of being an addict that lead to my initial surrender. The paradox of “surrendering to win” still applies to me, even with years of clean time. I’m still recovering from the disease of addiction, I’m still in need of help because I can’t do it alone, and I’m still powerless.
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
Although I have the ability to make better choices and decisions today because of staying clean and doing the work set forth in the Steps of NA (“powered-up“, if you will), I don’t fool myself into thinking that I’ve reached a point of being “powerful” or no longer suffering from the disease of addiction. Although it was desperation and drug addiction that brought me to the rooms of NA, it was the honest admission (and acceptance) of being an addict that lead to my initial surrender. The paradox of “surrendering to win” still applies to me, even with years of clean time. I’m still recovering from the disease of addiction, I’m still in need of help because I can’t do it alone, and I’m still powerless.
Luving Life to the Fullest!
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Clanton, AL
Posts: 32
I was addicted to methadone for 2 1/2 years and I quit cold turkey. My sobriety date is Sept. 18, 2007. I thought I had really bad back problems and I was on pain medicine anyway but I had some tests done and found out that there wasn't anything wrong after all. So I quit my pain meds cold turkey and my sobriety date from them is Nov 3, 2007. I told my husband that I wasn't going through the withdrawals again. So I started doing shots of tequila to take the edge off. During this time I cheated on my husband. Something I would have never done if I didn't get involved with drugs. I wish I could turn back time and fix it but I know everything happens for a reason. Now I'm on suboxone and he keeps them for me because if they're in my possession I abuse them. The other day I got his keys and got 6 of them out and didn't ask or tell him about it right then. I told him about 2 days later but the point is that I did tell him. He got really mad at me and said that if just one came up missing then him and my son were going to stay somewhere else for a while. He said that he doesn't see a change in my behavior. That's the only slip up that I've had. I haven't relapsed or anything. I'm so glad that I found this site because I'm not much for talking on the phone. How do you get your loved one to trust you again? Now since I cheated on him, he's wanting revenge on me. He's trying to find someone on the internet that wants to have a fling. Part of me feels like I owe it to him because of all the hurt that I've caused him but then another part of me wonders how he could hurt this family more than I already have. What should I do? I'm just all confused.
I was the type that I didn't want to ask anyone for help but when I tried to come off methadone by myself (before he found out I was taking it) and couldn't do it; I knew I had a problem but wasn't sure how to ask for help. I prayed to God to get me off of it and he let my husband catch me again. I went to an outpatient rehab and completed it. I've gotten to where I can ask for help it I need it and I know that I was poweless over my addiction. But now some days are better than others. I hope everyone has a great week and thanks for listening. :codiepolice
I was the type that I didn't want to ask anyone for help but when I tried to come off methadone by myself (before he found out I was taking it) and couldn't do it; I knew I had a problem but wasn't sure how to ask for help. I prayed to God to get me off of it and he let my husband catch me again. I went to an outpatient rehab and completed it. I've gotten to where I can ask for help it I need it and I know that I was poweless over my addiction. But now some days are better than others. I hope everyone has a great week and thanks for listening. :codiepolice
Evolving Addict
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New York State
Posts: 3,067
Hi Luvslife81, welcome.
I'm sorry to hear about the struggle you're going through. The disease of addiction is a beast that wrecks havoc in so many areas of our lives. Thankfully, the NA program (the 12 steps) can offer a solution. It all starts with getting clean, going to meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps.
In all that you shared, I didn't hear you mention whether you've attended any meetings. Getting honest and attending meetings is a good place to start. I'm curious... you say you quit using methadone cold turkey, then you quit taking pain meds cold turkey, but then you say you drank alcohol.... and you mention a couple of "sobriety" dates - but if you are still using ANYTHING, you're really not clean. So, are you clean right now?The drinking, cheating and sneaking pills are all behaviors related to active addiction.
And since this is a 12 step study forum, I can see how the aspect of unmanageability thats talked about in the 1st step applies to your life at this time. Please don't get angry, but for me, there's no such thing as a slip. Using is never by accident. And a relapse cannot occur if there hasn't been a period of complete abstinence and recovery.
In NA, recovery begins with complete surrender and acceptance of the 1st step. Do yourself a favor and go to a meeting.
Be blessed and keep coming back.
GarryW.
I'm sorry to hear about the struggle you're going through. The disease of addiction is a beast that wrecks havoc in so many areas of our lives. Thankfully, the NA program (the 12 steps) can offer a solution. It all starts with getting clean, going to meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps.
In all that you shared, I didn't hear you mention whether you've attended any meetings. Getting honest and attending meetings is a good place to start. I'm curious... you say you quit using methadone cold turkey, then you quit taking pain meds cold turkey, but then you say you drank alcohol.... and you mention a couple of "sobriety" dates - but if you are still using ANYTHING, you're really not clean. So, are you clean right now?The drinking, cheating and sneaking pills are all behaviors related to active addiction.
And since this is a 12 step study forum, I can see how the aspect of unmanageability thats talked about in the 1st step applies to your life at this time. Please don't get angry, but for me, there's no such thing as a slip. Using is never by accident. And a relapse cannot occur if there hasn't been a period of complete abstinence and recovery.
In NA, recovery begins with complete surrender and acceptance of the 1st step. Do yourself a favor and go to a meeting.
Be blessed and keep coming back.
GarryW.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Queens NY
Posts: 16
I have not been able to get used to the NA Step Guide. I mean, c'mon can we get any cleaner? The working guide onle asks me sooo many questions I would be an "informed addict" either way Im just an addict.
I
first step is a probelm statement. Period. I have no control over my use of substances despite my earnest desire. I can't get me clean. The unmanagability is clear when I look at where and with whom I ended up with. I remember my own mother saying to me while I was counting days," maybe you need a drink cause you are a piece of work." I didn't know how to live with myself without something to get me out of myself.
I
first step is a probelm statement. Period. I have no control over my use of substances despite my earnest desire. I can't get me clean. The unmanagability is clear when I look at where and with whom I ended up with. I remember my own mother saying to me while I was counting days," maybe you need a drink cause you are a piece of work." I didn't know how to live with myself without something to get me out of myself.
Lost-n-Found
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Cairo
Posts: 923
I Have found the SWG to be an invaluable piece of work. My sponsor did not suggest to me that I work from it. He did, however, suggest that I take it as a reference. It has helped me beyond words.
In my earlier days Step 1 was about getting off and staying off dope.
Today, it's about that plus many other things that I am powerless over and have unmanageablity in my life.
In my earlier days Step 1 was about getting off and staying off dope.
Today, it's about that plus many other things that I am powerless over and have unmanageablity in my life.
Evolving Addict
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New York State
Posts: 3,067
I like the SWG also, but I do understand that it can be overwhelming for some. I dunno about being "informed" or what that has to do with anything, but the questions in Step 1 of the SWG assist those who struggle with accepting/admitting their problem immensely. I also don't get the concept of "getting cleaner." For me...either I'm using or I'm not. Yet, once I comprehend the disease concept and understand that addiction goes way beyond the symptom of drug use...I can see how powerlessness and unmanageability is revealed in other areas of my life. I'll admit, some of the questions are redundant and information never kept me clean (what I do with that information helps).
I could get clean many times on my own. I couldn't stay clean until I found NA.
I can't get me clean.
FreeSpirit
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside My Spirit
Posts: 1,274
Well here it Go's, My History with the 12-Step for some Giving
reason I had a hard time been Consisted, or keeping on Top of the Game,
and really been committed to it I Guess I never was Committed to anything, or any one,
but my Using,I been Down this Road to many times and when to meetings listen I Like
what they had to give me which was knowledge and in site or there war Stories
But my Pattern is the following I will go for three days and then fall of the wagon
but when use I will just not make meetings no more or finish what I star it
right now In Dec,5 I will make5-months clean but I do understand
that I need to stick to my Guns or else I could really fall off
Because until we dont do a clean Inventory of our self Behaviors we likely to fall off
so Yeah I got to get back to this meetings and stop making excuses for it
and get me a good Sponsor and get back to the Steps I just have issues with trust
How do you know when you found a real true solid Sponsor
well thats it for now but I know that this first step is true I'm and will always
be Powerless over my Using,
reason I had a hard time been Consisted, or keeping on Top of the Game,
and really been committed to it I Guess I never was Committed to anything, or any one,
but my Using,I been Down this Road to many times and when to meetings listen I Like
what they had to give me which was knowledge and in site or there war Stories
But my Pattern is the following I will go for three days and then fall of the wagon
but when use I will just not make meetings no more or finish what I star it
right now In Dec,5 I will make5-months clean but I do understand
that I need to stick to my Guns or else I could really fall off
Because until we dont do a clean Inventory of our self Behaviors we likely to fall off
so Yeah I got to get back to this meetings and stop making excuses for it
and get me a good Sponsor and get back to the Steps I just have issues with trust
How do you know when you found a real true solid Sponsor
well thats it for now but I know that this first step is true I'm and will always
be Powerless over my Using,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 34
Luvslife:
Revenge is another form of addiction, and doesnt solve anything. Revenge is a vicious cycle that goes round and round, like the gang members that shoot one another because one of them shot the ohter one first. Doesnt make sense and he needs to go to therapy himself and get his head around what you are doing to make yourself a better person, and remind himself of why he fell in love with you in the first place. I wish you all the luck and remember that you are loved no matter what
Revenge is another form of addiction, and doesnt solve anything. Revenge is a vicious cycle that goes round and round, like the gang members that shoot one another because one of them shot the ohter one first. Doesnt make sense and he needs to go to therapy himself and get his head around what you are doing to make yourself a better person, and remind himself of why he fell in love with you in the first place. I wish you all the luck and remember that you are loved no matter what
Biker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In the West Valley, AZ.
Posts: 486
...I wasn't told this.
Instead I got this screamed at me......or so I thought.
I just didn't want to hear that alcohol was a drug. :chatter
You see, in the spring of '81, I came in with no experience and an attitude of indifference and intolerance toward everything.
The meeting was Wed., I (really) had a beer Fri. (not my drug of choice) and got called on my behavior the following Wed.
Two years later, I attended my next meeting.
This is important because of the two years of damage surrounding the path I walked. The pattern I began by making it back into the rooms before dieing.
I knew I was powerless over drugs but unmanageable? No way!
I knew what was best for me. This was my thinking. But my thinking was ignorant to the problem at hand. That was, that it's my thinking that is the problem. Talk about paradox!!:wtf2
I believe that the hardest thing my sponsor had to do was get me to really look at myself.
My first step was a writing of my story, ( I had to record mine) then listen to it over and over again and again. All the while, trying to stay in one job, one residence, one relationship (or none). My way didn't work. I moved alot, went from job to job and well, I can't remember how many different relationships I attempted.
Stupidity was never the problem, ignorance and foolishness was. The combination for me defined my unmanageably. But because I was/am not stupid, I had to be sick/insane. Ignorance can be overcome with learning/education. Foolishness with wisdom, even if only a little bit. Being sick or insane meant I needed help from professionals (addicts) who had been there and done that.
My first relief was to understand that I was not hopeless, nor was/am I alone.
Stopping meant running out, staying stopped meant recovery. Taking anything kept me in my active addiction and too toxic to manage my own life. Getting clean meant just that, clean! Now I have a chance to learn manageability, the second half of step 1.
Originally Posted by Gmoney 
Hi Luvslife81, welcome.
I'm sorry to hear about the struggle you're going through. The disease of addiction is a beast that wrecks havoc in so many areas of our lives. Thankfully, the NA program (the 12 steps) can offer a solution. It all starts with getting clean, going to meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps...
I'm sorry to hear about the struggle you're going through. The disease of addiction is a beast that wrecks havoc in so many areas of our lives. Thankfully, the NA program (the 12 steps) can offer a solution. It all starts with getting clean, going to meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps...
Instead I got this screamed at me......or so I thought.
Originally Posted by Gmoney
...but then you say you drank alcohol....
...- but if you are still using ANYTHING, you're really not clean.
...- but if you are still using ANYTHING, you're really not clean.
You see, in the spring of '81, I came in with no experience and an attitude of indifference and intolerance toward everything.
The meeting was Wed., I (really) had a beer Fri. (not my drug of choice) and got called on my behavior the following Wed.
Two years later, I attended my next meeting.
This is important because of the two years of damage surrounding the path I walked. The pattern I began by making it back into the rooms before dieing.
I knew I was powerless over drugs but unmanageable? No way!
I knew what was best for me. This was my thinking. But my thinking was ignorant to the problem at hand. That was, that it's my thinking that is the problem. Talk about paradox!!:wtf2
I believe that the hardest thing my sponsor had to do was get me to really look at myself. My first step was a writing of my story, ( I had to record mine) then listen to it over and over again and again. All the while, trying to stay in one job, one residence, one relationship (or none). My way didn't work. I moved alot, went from job to job and well, I can't remember how many different relationships I attempted.
Stupidity was never the problem, ignorance and foolishness was. The combination for me defined my unmanageably. But because I was/am not stupid, I had to be sick/insane. Ignorance can be overcome with learning/education. Foolishness with wisdom, even if only a little bit. Being sick or insane meant I needed help from professionals (addicts) who had been there and done that.
My first relief was to understand that I was not hopeless, nor was/am I alone.
Stopping meant running out, staying stopped meant recovery. Taking anything kept me in my active addiction and too toxic to manage my own life. Getting clean meant just that, clean! Now I have a chance to learn manageability, the second half of step 1.
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