JSB

Hello,

I just became a new member of this site. However, I have been reading post and articles on it for several days now. I suffer from Major Depression and have for years. I am on meds and have been in every form of therapy with little or no results except for the fact that I am still alive. I am having what is shaping up to be a pretty dark day today. Things have been sprialing downhill for awhile now and I have been getting more and more depressed and give more and more thought to suicide as I have in the past. I am 49 years old. I have enjoyed reading everyones posts and I look forward to any advice you could give me. Thanks for allowing me into your family here on SR. JSB

BSPGirl

AWw JSB don't kill yourself.

Marte

JSB

Thanks, I'm almost cured....

PaperDolls

Hi JSB! Welcome to SR. This place has helped keep me sober and somewhat sane-ish. I too have been suffering from Depression for close to a year now. It's such a long process getting meds right, finding the right therapy. It wears on me everyday. I can imagine you feel the same.

If you think you should call a doctor about your suicidal thoughts then get on it. We might not know you yet but we all want you to live. And be happy. Stick around, keep reading, keep posting and you'll love it around here.

I'm sure some more people will be around to welcome you.

Is it time to search for a new doctor and possibly some meds (assuming you're on them or have been)?

Hugs,
doll

ranae1221

Hi and welcome! As I am sure you can see, you are not alone in how you are feeling. Alot of us, including myself, struggle to just get through each day.

Do the meds you are on right now help? If not, have you tried any others? There are many antidepressants that work differently for everyone. I also find that therapy doesn't always help, however it is good to have someone to talk to when you don't have anyone else.

When you feel that a day is going to be "dark", do you have a plan to take care of yourself? What do you do to make sure you get through the day? For me, I have learned some ways to help when I can tell I am going to have a tough day. I take myself to the movies, I paint, I vent on here. On of my fave things to do is buy my fave ice cream, turn off my phone, get in bed and watch a funny movie or tv show. it doesn't "fix" everything, but it helps me make sure I will survive that moment.

I hope you stick around and look forward to "seeing" you around here!

shutterbug

welcome, welcome. So glad to have you join us.

First you must remember that change is a certainty...so today is rough, but tomorrow could be much better...or next month or next year could turn out to be the happiest and most fullfilling of your life. You must not give into the depression, but rather learn from it and continue to fight it with a growing chest of knowledge. SR is a wonderful place for that. Find some good in your depression/illness...however small.

My good is several things...I can help others here at SR, I can support my friends and encourage them in my 3D life, I am mentoring a family with a bipolar member and most important to me right now is that through all I've been through and learned I am being able to recognize early onset of mental illness in my toddler nephews - which will mean that their roads in life will have less bumps to travel on since I am wearing down the path ahead of them right now.

And, God willing, should I ever have my own children...I can help them too. There is also much in the form of governmental change that I can tackle some day...and public awareness and a whole array of other things.

I also wouldn't be the person I am now if I wasn't a bipolar who struggles deeply with major depressive episodes. And I'm actually beginning to enjoy who I am inside - weird, but true.

Fighting for a purpose is much easier than just fighting to fight. Find your purpose/motivation/reason for fighting...and I guarentee you will find quite a bit of relief along with it.

Hugs, and I hope you stick around and share your experiences and knowledge with us as well...

Jenna

JSB

First of all, I am overwelmed by all of your responses to my post. I appreciate each and everyone. I know all of you suffer in much the same way I do and I do appreciate the encouring words. I will continue to read and to post and try to come here even when days are darkest.
I have been on Welburtrin and Prozac and Klonopin for several years. I tried some of the others but they made me sick. Also, I have been to several different kinds of therapy with little results. I have a doc or should I say I had one until July 31st and she transfered to the other end of the state. I will have to find a new one now, but that may be a plus as I wasn't real happy with her anyway. I really like group therapy and probably need to find a new group. It gives me hope to know that you all are making progress in coping with your depression. It just seems like when I get depressed, that I really don't care whether I get better or not. When I get depressed, I get really angry with myself and feel worthless and hopeless and at almost 50 years old and divorced have 25+ years of a really bad marriage I feel like life is basically over most of the time. I have lost interest in most everything that I use to love to do like drawing. But I really am glad I found SR and I hope to stick around with you fine folks for a long time.... JSB

Nina Kay

Hi JSB,
I wanted to Welcome you, also, to SR and in particular to this forum. There are alot of wonderful people here who can certainly understand everything that your going through from personal experience. I know about depression because I have fought it personally for as far back as I can remember. I recently turned 51 yrs. old and I am in a not so happy marriage of almost 32 yrs. I had my time of feeling like my life was basically over, No new beginnings, and I had also lost interest in just about everything. I just want you to know that I can understand your feelings here. I hope that you'll keep coming back here often, as you can see that you'll recieve alot of support and make alot of friends here. Please don't ever give up, even though it may seem hopeless, at times. Where there is life, there is always hope.
((((((((((((Welcome Hugs)))))))))))))))

JSB

Hi Nina Kay,

Thank you for your response. Sounds like we have a lot in common. I am really glad I found this place. It's good to talk to others that understand how you feel and don't just roll their eyes in the back of their heads when you try to talk to them about it.
Do you have any idea what the root cause of your depression is? Not that you have to tell me. I not trying to pry.
From what I have read about abandonment issues, I am beginning to think that is where mine is coming from.
My father died in a car accident when I was four. I remember how much I loved him, but seems like I was a happy kid until about 4th grade. I had a "best friend". We met the first day of school in 1st grade. We were always together. If I didn't come to school, she didn't want to be there. We were always at each others house. In the 4th grade my mothers brother moved close to use and he had a daughter that was the same age as me. My uncle drank alot and was verbally abusive to them all. She was jealous of me because my mom was good to me and I had a happier life than she did. She started school at the same school and one day out of the blue, my best friend came up to me and said that she had heard that I didn't really like her and a lot of stuff like that and that she didn't want to be friends with me any longer. I was a really shy kid and didn't have the nerve to ask her about it. The next day, I saw her and my cousin walking down the hall arm in arm. I was so devastated. Since then, I have been depressed, I have never had a close friend because I never trusted anyone again. And from there it's just gone downhill.... sorry to ramble.... Hope you have a wonderful day... JSB

Nina Kay

JSB,
It does sound like you have some really good reasons for abandonment and, especially, trust issues. I'm impressed that you were able to figure all of that out about your cousin and your best friend. You had to learn about death and deceit at such a young and vulnerable age.
I really didn't go through anything traumatic while I was growing up. I was just born a scaredy cat and very shy with very low self-esteem. I think that alot of my problem has always been a chemical imbalance and I was always painfully self-conscious and nervous.
I do know that I've felt betrayed many times by people that I love and just friends. I basicly do not trust anyone completely. I don't think that I feel so much like it's personal always anymore, but more like it just has to do with everyone's human weakness. I don't think that I even expect to be able to completely trust myself anymore, because of my own human weaknesses also. I really feel that when I got to a place in my heart and mind, where I stopped having any expectations of myself and of others, that it was a giant turning point for me in so many ways. I am so different now than what I used to be. Sometimes I wonder if that's all good or not. I know that I don't get hurt like I used to. I hope that it's not just that I'm too cynical. I feel alot freer with people than I used to. I don't know, maybe I'm just rambling now.

Anyway, I'm so glad that you've come to join us here. It does seem that we have alot in common. ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

meli2005

It can be tough for some to find a remedy for depression. Some people have to use multiple medications and cocktails. I know it's a struggle. I suffer from depression myself. Keep coming here, we all understand and I think talking to others with the same or similiar issues is really helpful.

JSB

I am really whinning now. Like I said before, I am 2 years into a divorce after a 25+ year marriage that was awlful to say the least. I have never trusted anyone and I swore that after the divorce that I was through with relationships. Okay, so 6months ago, I started seeing a man that I work with. I have known him for about 2 years. He is really a nice man. He has always treated me well. He has never gotten angry at me. He helped me move recently. Moved everything I had and never complained. He took my two dogs for me as I had to sell my house and move to an apartment. We are both homebodies and we have spent so much time talking and laughing and watching movies. Everything was going great and I was even beginning to believe that maybe this time I could actually trust someone. He is also divorced about two years. About a month ago he told me that his ex wife is begging him to take her back. She has "repented" for treating him so badly and wants a second chance. He is the kind of person that doesnt like to hurt anyone and really doesn't care about what he wants. He and his ex wife have been friends for 38 years. He has been struggling with this. I told him that I would respect his decision althought I thought he was considering taking her back because he just wanted to help her. He told me today that he thought that he was going to take her back. He said it wasn't fair to me or her to keep putting off making a decision. I thought that I would be okay with whatever he decided. I wasn't. When he told me at work today at lunch time, I just got quite. When he went back to work I got my purse and came home. I was so upset I couldn't think straight. Basically I just "shut down". Right now I am so nervous and depressed and I don't know what to do. I can't imagine not seeing him anymore. He has been the best thing in my life. I don't think I can deal with having to let go of anyone else. I feel very alone. I have been trying all afternoon to get my mind on something else but I can't. Why is it that you just can't trust anyone. I mean, at least he has never lied to me about anything. But why does it always hurt so much and how do you stop the pain and pick up the pieces and go on. How do you explain to someone who does not suffer from depression that it is just not that easy. People think because you can't cope that you don't have enough faith in God. How do you explain that one does not have anything to do with the other. Sorry to ramble again.... I could really use some advice. Thank you for listening.... hope all of ya'll have had a better day than I have. JSB

JSB

PS.... thank you Nina Kay and Meli2005 for your responses.... means so much.

ranae1221

In my expierence, I can try to put into words how i feel, but how do i explain something i don't alway understand myself? plus, i think that unless someone has truly gone through mental illness, heck likely any kind of illness, then they can not truly "know" what it is like.