shutterbug

I've already cried at my desk while proof-reading a bunch of crap on deadline and now I'm spending my lunch hour here b/c the thought of wondering around town by myself with no where to go is tortorous.

I feel like puking.
My scalp is itching so bad if feels like i have a severe case of head lice or something.
My ears are burning.
I'm about to jump out of my skin.

No way to describe all the caois in my head today.
We are putting out two papers today instead of one.

I've written so many stories I stopped counting and I still have 2 more to do before 5 p.m. They have me editing crap and my own stories and me as an editor is laughable, but the things I know are right....I am told to change them. One of my co-workers brought her fiance into the office today (cus she's down from New York for the holidays with him) and she was standing next to my desk telling everyone in the small office that she is glad to have a brake from the "crazies" that she deals with at work.

She does social work at a mental health facility of some sort and said, "You know the crazy people like the schizophrinics, bipolars, major depressives...."

And all day...i can do nothing right.
My computer kept jamming the main printer every time I tried to print something I needed and in trying to fix the paper jams a woman (who I later learned is the big bosses wife) snapped at me saying I was banging it around and it was a $5,000 machine.

And everything I've done, my boss mis-understands me or tells me to do something and then mis-understands what she told me to do, but it comes back on me.

Now my neck is burning and itching. I think I'm getting some type of hives from stress or something.

OH....AND MY HANDS STARTED SHAKING AGAIN TODAY...after all this time off work of not shaking.

And I'm accused of doing things instead of being asked if I did or didn't spell check.....it's just assumed that I didn't b/c a production guy caught one mistake in my rushed, deadline story about a woman who was stabbed the other day.

Breathing excersizes aren't even saving me today.

I just want to go home and lock myself inside for at least two weeks.

splendra

(((shutterbug))))

Is it 5pm yet? I think the finacee is pretty insensetive I hope not many people like her work in the mental health field...if so maybe that is why people have such a difficult time getting well with so much lack of compassion...lot's of people go into the health care field because of the money not because they believe in healing.

I love you girl take it easy on yourself you will get thru this day...

shutterbug

Well it's quitting time and I'm decompressing for a few moments before I head out the door and onto the highway.

I find it funny that they were willing to hire someone without any journalism or much writing background for this job b/c I can't imagine having to be trained from scratch by these people! I was having a hard time getting my stories even written b/c my boss kept telling me to go do this and go do that and edit this and re-save that..."oh...you saved that picture as 'wrapping'...and it must be saved as 'wrap'!" Give me a freaking break! I'm editing page after page and yet I'm not allowed to save things to the system without asking someone what the name of the file has to be....and they just make it up too!" I dont' understand. Urggggggggg.

***breathing again***

Don't get me wrong....my boss really does seem to be a super sweet lady. She even bought me a Christmas present and made me a cheese ball. I just don't think she understands that they are so use to their own system, but it's gunna take a little repitition and such for me or anyone to learn "their" system of doing things. I mean, basically I got one day of training and then took over the position....which is fine, but I am human and they are just gunna hafta realize that for what they are paying they are damn lucky to have somebody with any experience at all...and what would they be doing if they were also having to teach someone how to be a journalist/writer at the same time?

I think the biggest thing (besides the stress) that got to me today was getting my check and after my expenses for gas to to get to work and stuff.....I'm getting less than what I got paid on unemployement when I was sleeping up to 20 hours a day!

It's so depressing........................................ .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ............................


And there was no hiding my frustration today....everyone knew...so who knows what they think of me already.

****lowers head and walks away feeling defeated****

bikewench

Shutter...

there's a learning curve to anything new...
just do your best and go with the flow...


other than that... everything else is in the big guys hands... ;o)

and most of the time..
things are way worse in our heads than reality... and I'm pretty sure that they haven't given it a moments thought about you ... cause your new.,..
and new people take time to learn...
and every one knows that...

We create most of the angst in ourselves...

just breathe deep...
long slow breaths...
it really helps...

and gosh...
cut yourself some slack while your at it... ;o)

you harder on yourself than anybody I bet...

so..
tell that choir in your head to shut the F up... and take a few minutes to pause... and be glad your alive...
cause I know.. somewhere inside of you there.... you are ....

be patient ...
let it unfold...
let go of the control...

praying for you...

shutterbug

Thanks Bike...

I know it's mostly in my head --- my head is the problem.
But others were noticing and one lady wanted to "talk" to me and make me feel better...which was sweet, but later she told me to smile...and I hate when people tell you to smile when they know you are in a bad mood. I just cringe b/c I'm flashed too many fake smiles already for a lifetime.

I'm seriously craving a ton of self-injury and have already been tearing up my skin since I hit the door out of there.

Mom just walked up and started reading this and I had to ask her not to ...she didn't understand why I said it was personal. I think she may have used the history button to read my stuff because before that she was talking and called me "shutterbug"....I don't like the thought of family reading this....it's all too personal for me to be comfortable with that.

Anyway....we were talking about me quitting the paper and just going to work for the casino nearby and probably making more money that way and not being so stressed out.

I've worked for them many times and it's pretty fun and tips can be good some times, but I don't know. I just know that I don't know if I can keep dealing with ONLY being a reporter and hardly any photos....photos are my solice...my stress relief....my "creative zone" when the wheels in my mind start churning happily. I see photos everyday, but no camera or time to take them with....it just adds to the frustration.

Or maybe I'm just doomed for disability....
I guess only time and continued trials will tell....

splendra

(((Jenna)))

You are not doomed... go work in the casino if you think it will be better for you. Get out of that head of yours...love and ((((BIGHUGS)))) coming your way....

bikewench

no no Shutter...

never doomed...

never say that....



We are exactly where we are supposed to be on our life path... that's what I believe.


I think that God wants me to be tempered in a certain way... so.. he's gonna put certain things in my life...

Hell.. I've been wondering why I wasn't born the poster gurl for "easy life".. ;o).. but hey...
Christina Onassis was very rich.. and she was probably more messed up than you and I combined.

I just think that we have to kinda come at life as some kind of experiment...

and we're the rat.. ;o)....

In an experiment... one can't say that this and this must happen... or have expectations around it...
one must simply put specific circumstances in play...and they let the dynamics take it away...

primary goal...

being happy...
feeling free...


Don't matter where we are now...
we can all come back.
I did it Shutter... and you can too...
you just keep seeking like you are...
talk.. read.. don't let it build...


and I totally get you about mothers and reading shyte that's none of their business...
I freak when my mother gets near my computer...

and she has to look...
grrr...


or books I have laying around...
I hide them when I know she's coming.
and my journal.. I hide from her.

sucks.


but.. she has been the major zinger in my life.. so.. I have to protect myself from her.
for now.



.. and quit with the hurtin eh..
punch a pillow or something...
I use to pull my hair out.
one by one...
a pile at my feet...
I had bald spots.

don't turn it inward Shutter...
give it to God....

praying for you..
and I'm walkin with you ...

splendra

Yea what (((BW))) said...walking with ya....

shutterbug

Thanks guys...you're heaven sent.

what about when the dynamics take it down the tubes?

Yesterday, I was happy....I was convinced that if I had my $4 cup of java every morning that I would be okay...and I could be content just doing my job.

The expresso failed me today.
Damn bipolar.
Up one day and down the next
up for three days...down for four days.

Everyday it feels like all or nothing. Either I can handle things perfectly and with a real smile or my feet are running for the door while my head is still chained to my desk (which represents a pay check).

I honestly get so tired of being a negative nelly.
I know it doesn't seem like it though for you guys who read me all the time.
There's just something (bipolar/depression) too strong for me to get control of...that's what I want control of most of all.

I'm just staying confused all the time....I've been confused for months and it's not letting up.

Lots of normal people punch time clocks at dead-end jobs for years and never complain as much as I've complained in the last two weeks. I've just always felt something different...I can't just do a job for money. It feel like my soul is being stolen away from me when I do something against what my heart (or whatever) seems to be calling for me to do.

When I'm inside of this much mental confusion about the future....my life stays difficult for me until I figure my path out. I struggled through five years of college not knowing what I even enjoyed doing in life and as soon as I discovered my right eye....I soared through my courses and got my dimploma...and it wasn't hard anymore. It was exciting and fun and....wow, everything makes so much sense now. Everything became easy. There were steps to be taken and I dutifully and happily took those steps up...

Now...someone is hiding my steps and I'm stuck on a delapidated balcony in the middle of Looserville (which is next to No-where Town) with no where to go....like a mouse inside one of those clear balls....running and running, but it can't ever get out of that ball and move on with life.

I'm stuck in that ball...and damn it....I want O-U-T, OUT!!!

****praying to the HP****

shutterbug

But you are both welcome to join me in my spin-o-matic domain anytime...we'll just have to map out which way we are gunna run so that we all don't try going in different directions and then end up going no wheres together....

sugarssweetpea

Jenna,

I am sorry to hear that you had such a tough time today. I feel your pain, literally. Please do not hurt yourself. You are worth so much more than that. God created you in His image. You are beautiful. I think the people who call other people crazy ( or any other name for that matter ) are the ones with the real problems & insecurities. They just want to make themselves look better. That guy's fiance probably can relate to a lot of the people she works with & it scares her. Do not take it personally. Have you ever thought about moving? Maybe trying to find a photography job somewhere that will pay you to move? There are companies out there like that. I will be praying for that for you. I was looking at a website last night about serotonin levels & depression. Pretty interesting stuff. I believe we will one day be more happy than we could ever imagine. Please hang in there.
Remember, Jesus loves you & SO DO I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

splendra

Let's stop running and see if that little ball has a door or a window. You got in there somehow there must be away out. On your next convience I would love to see a picture that you have taken lately do you have a website or anything I could go to and see some of your work? Maybe you could make a book with a collection of your photos. I could probably help you promote it. Lets stoke up the fire of what you feel passionate about. I believe your bi-polar could be about your knowing that you have a great tallent and you need an outlet you need to give it and make money because of it and I am sure it get damm depressing that you haven't found it yet. I believe in your talent (((Jenna))) and if there is any way at all that I could help you get it out there and get exposure I would. That tallent give you energy and when it doesn't get expressed it gets blocked and you get angry but, because you are a great gal who doesn't want to be angry depresssion sets in I think...

shutterbug

I think you may be right...I've been ignoring everything and everyone who says depression is just anger turned inward, but I think that's because I have yet to understand the concept. But the way you put it...it makes some sense.

I get mad at myself and my situation and am extremely impatient....then I guess I get depressed when I can't figure out how to fix it. I mean....dang it...I wish there were more words to describe all the different levels of depression b/c..

I mean...there's my bipolar depression that's comes and goes...
then there's my major depression that seems nicely comfortable staying put...
And then there's situational depression when losing people and major things...
then there's this kind of depression that I put on myself....

And there's more to it than that even....how can we ever talk about all this with a single word...."depression"

Splendra...the one good thing I can honestly see coming out of this new job is being able to learn how to load my images onto the web so that I can put them on a site of my own. I need one so badly b/c a lot of big papers now are asking for links to portfolios online instead of requesting portfolios on CD's.

If I could share a single one of my decent photos with you guys right now then I would be almost giddy, but all the ones online are linked to sites that would reveal my identity.

Maybe sometime soon though...**sigh**
I haven't even had anything to do with any of my images in months.
I haven't taken a decent picture since the fourth of July when I was just playing around with my sisters cheap digital camera. That week was the last time I even remember working on any of my photography efforts.

**giant sigh**

I hadn't realized it had been that long!
No wonder I'm so depressed.
I feel so handicapped without a camera....even a half-way decent one...

Like a painter being handed some blades of grass to paint a portriat with....and only dirt to paint it on....that's how I feel.

I even asked sis yesterday if I could borrow her digital for 3 days, but no go...
she didn't know where the battery charger was...she said...

Well...I did take one photo for the paper yesterday with a camera that had 2 buttons..on and snap. Flash didn't work on it and neither did the screen. Looking through the viewfinder looked like a kelidescope almost.

Basically a kids camera...

Oh...I did I mention that my new paper is all an all black and white paper. They don't even have color capabilities....and color is my forte.

Splendra...you're a doll. I wish there was someway you could help b/c I'm learning to ask for all the help I'm offered these days...just don't know how you can, but the thought means a great deal to me.

shutterbug

sweetpea...I snuck off earlier and injured for about 10 minutes or so...no big deal...it helped. It's more like an obsessive, bad habit that becomes stronger when I'm stressed or upset. I basically feel numb now. An hour or two would do me better, but I'm kinda trying not to.

maybe you're right about the fiance, but I figure she's just trying to look like she's a big person for helping us crazy people and being able to handle us day in and day out...or that's how she talks with her friends and co-workers.

I don't especially get offended to badly when people call people like me crazy....I think it was more the negative conatation on the whole line of conversation and also the fact that I'm having to hide my illness from people and I hate doing that. And then I wonder what she would have said if I would have told her (and them) at that moment that 'I' am bipolar and 'I' and a major depressive so does that make me double-y crazy? And then what would go through their minds later about working with a bipolar? And then...how they would start acting differently.

Oh...and my boss made a comment at the end of the day about her maybe having ADD and that's why she's got so many she's thinking about at once...and that made me feel better thinking that maybe I could at least divulge that bit of info about myself. BUT THEN, I thought maybe she suspects I'm bipolar b/c of my moods changing from day-to-day so drastically and she was TRYING to make me feel comfortable enough to admit it??????????????? Hummmmmmmmm????????? And then, I think....I'm thinking TOO much.

Yeah....last year I almost secured a job 2 hours from here that was gunna pay me to move up there and become one of their photojournalists, but the guy flipped on everything he had been saying and didn't hire me at all. The job has since come open again and he won't even return an e-mail.

Pretty hard to get papers to pay for relocation when there are so many great photojournalists jumping at the bit to get on at a large paper without having to dish out that extra cash. And in general....the world of journalism is a low-paying gig in general unless you become a super-journalist like Don's son.

Keep me informed about whatever you discover about the serotonin.
I know you can go to Wal-Mart and by a vitamin called melatonin thats suppose to help with sleep, but I've been wondering if anybody's figured out a way to bottle serotonin? Probably a stupid question, i guess. Otherwise it would be flying of the shelves.

splendra

Maybe you could write about the photos you want to take...Maybe Santa Clause will bring you an camera...also there is a place where you can self publish here is a link http://www.lulu.com they will walk you thru the whole process from start to finish. I did stuff I would have never learned on my own and the quality of their product is very very good...they have a great support team...Go viist their site the publishing is free!!! They do have promo packages you can purchase to get an ISBN and with that you can get yourself listed on amazon.com!!! and they will help you with a press kit too if you can't do one on your own.

My H published his book there and because of my brilliant promo skills the book is actually taking off admittly his is a great writer even though I feel like I want to kill him sometimes there is no disputing his talent.

I believe in you cause I believe in tallent and I know where that come from....

shutterbug

I've written page, after page, after page of photos I want to take...maybe someday I'll get the energy to type them up and start going down the list marking them off as I am able to get to them. Most of them are more like photo-stories than anything...kinda like what Margerate Bourke-White did in many of her books.

My head has been spinning, especially the past two weeks, trying to come up with a solution to my camera delima....short of selling my car I have yet to figure anything out. Everyone I know is poor and Santa lost my address a long time ago (okay that's a bit of momentary self-pity talking). I've been trying to figure out how I could put enough energy into winning something like NPPA's photography sabatical which comes with money and a camera, but not enough time, energy or access to a computer...

See...there's the other problem....digital cameras need computers to make them useful...so there's more money I don't have that I need. And even if santa had my address I'd rather he spend the money buying nice things for poor kids than a whinning, miserable old lady...

I did here a couple of years ago about two girls putting up a web page and asking for money to help support their shopping habits and people actually sent them money....don't know if that really happened or not....but I thought I could plea to the masses for a camera setup and maybe one rich photog would want to help a struggling fella like he or she once was...but Ansel Adams died a while back didn't he??? ha!

Thanks for the link. That sounds super cool. I never knew about anything that would promote through Amazon or anything like that??????? I will have to check it out for sure...

Well...mom's back from sis's and talking so loud about a deadly wreck she saw or heard about and I'm stressing from the distractions going on in the house now with her talking so loud and stuff...so i'm going home and to bed...

hugs...and bless all of you for everything, especially for being here today and listening and offering your wisdom, support and words of encouragement. I am blessed to have all of you in my life.

Jenna

shutterbug

And Splendra.....

Thank you so much for believing in me when I don't even feel like I can believe in myself....

bikewench

Shutter..

we all believe in you...
it's you that don't believe in you.. ;o)

from this side of things...
it's easy to see that everything is possible for you...
but you keep throwing up blocks and walls cause you want things to go a certain way... and your devistated when it doesn't .

well...
as long as you insist on having things your way...
it's gonna hurt... ;o)

most of my pain in my life has been from my attempts at control.

yes...
I had situations in my life that set me up for certain ways of thinking and reacting that have led me down some very self destructive paths...
but.. that was my thinking and reacting.

when I let go ... and said to God..
okay buddy... I'm here... and that's all ....
I'm showing up for life... but I ain't likin it... and I'm pissed off I have to do it.

.. and then just did the best I could at that moment...

life calmed down considerably after that... and things started to move forward for me...
for I was beginning to "act around what was".... and not "react from what I want to happen and am not getting"

yes..
I struggle with depression...
and some days.. it's all I can do to move...
but..
If I just remove my focus off my situation... and just say to God...

"here I am...
showing up for life today..."

and then take the best of what I can from that day...

that's when peace begins to enter one's life.

so..
do I want peace..?
or do I want things my way...?

I found that ... in the beginning... cause I didn't have a flippin clue what I wanted...
I had to let go and go with what God wanted... cause he was the only creature in creation that I trusted to let go to.....
and that was a struggle as well.

so...
for me...
it's not about this situation.. and that situation...
it's about letting go overall...

I had to realize... I was being handed gifts...
and I had to see that I was turning my nose up at them... and looking for bigger gifts elsewhere.

.. but it was the little gifts I needed.. ;o)

like learning new skills...

thoughts..??

bikewench

I get so much from this site...
this is some really great stuff around control...
and helplessness as an aspect of control...
who knew..?? ;o)


http://www.coping.org/control/content.htm

shutterbug

Bike....sorry I didn't get back to your post yesterday...

You are right...I don't believe in me. (although I often pretend I do)

I wish I could see that side as clearly as you guys....I don't see the walls I'm throwing up, but I feel the devestation I'm creating.

I really don't see it....really don't...all I really want is to be able to see things moving forward. Is that wrong? And I don't want to be depressed anymore...Is that wrong?

I guess I'm a hypocrite b/c I'm always asking God for his will to be done in my life and then I throw fits when I'm not happy with his will. I don't know. I mostly think... if I worked on having more patience then I could handle things better.

I mean...i know God has a plan for me and there is a reason for me being where I am in life right now....I just....like you have found....need to find peace about things.

Is it possible that my head is so messed up right now that finding peace is an impossible thing until I get my mind straightened out?

Sadly, this seems to sum me up pretty well....I guess I feel like I've been working so hard to save up all my money to be able to buy myself a big gift....but then all that's left on the selves is socks.

Yeah....I always need socks, but I don't care about having them....until it's 20 below outside. So...yeah...I get bummed.

Although, I know I'll be thankful for those little socks when the next blizzard hits and my heat gets disconnected....

And I'm sure I'll be thankful for this entire experience this past year.....some day....just not today.