Erratic

Not sure why!

Im feeling depressed, all i want to do is hurt myself, take OD, starve myself to death.. but starving which im trying to do is taking so long. The urge is so strong, i cant settle or do anything. im taking my medication it doesnt seem to be lifting me..ive been in tears this morning which is new to me. i just want to let rip but noone here to let rip with..i dont know im just wondering when this will shift..

sry for bugging anyone i just needed to get this out ..im feeling frustrated for some reason..

bikewench

Hey Erratic...

A warm hug to you.....

I felt that way once....

One night I coudnt' settle...
I felt like my nerves were crawling through my body... having totally taken on a life of their own...
Instictively... I knew that no substance was going to lift me ever again... but... I knew of no other solution other than the endless dance with prescription medication to take care of my heebs... and I wasn't going there....

I remember sitting on the end of the couch... my body and mind stuck in antsy crawly limbo with a scream of confusion and pain stuck in my throat...

Couldnt' go forward.. couldn't go back...

I cried and kvetched... and wrote and cried...

That was a few years ago now... and I still remember that night so well...
It really was the turning point for me around deciding that I would do whatever it took to lift myself out of this dysfuntional shyte hole I was in...

Lots of reading about program, codependancy, human characteristics.. addiction.. depression...
Understanding my disease went a long way to killing many of those crazy thoughts and beliefs that were making and keeping me sick and using...

Not blocking my true emotions... but trying to understand them as well...

.. and not using so that my mind could clear and think without the haze ....


I believe today that my body has an innate need to right itself... and that was the war within me....
I kept trying to shut that voice up... because in my life.. I came last on the list... any list...

It's been a journey... but.. I'm here to say it was worth it...

.. every tear...

Don't give up hope... and be proactive around recovering from what ails you...
seek the answers yourself... that will empower... rather than waiting for the answers to come of their own violition...

This is my ESH to you...

Praying for calmness and courage for you....

Erratic

thanks bikewench im trying to work through the haze.. i undestand totaly what you said. i had emergency appointment with my T. guess i need try to work through this.

im just trying hard to but struggling..

thanks again bikewench..

Erratic

i fought through this yet again..ive even cut down my drinking once more

down to 2 glasses of drink on a fri night had half bottle last sat.. but its all still less than what i used to drink..

Wolfstarr

Good Morning Erratic--

Hey, I am up, it's been all night for me. Can't sleep and things just roaring through my head...You doin' ok? Thinking about you and how you are this early AM at 530.
You are bugging no one, and I as well as bikewench, give a warm hug to you.
Praying for peace in your life--

Erratic

im donig much better thank you wolfstarr... not as suacidle as i was. im pleased that i have been able to cut my drink down even more..

sry you cant sleep.. i know what its like to have thought rouring through ya head.. my medication helps me with that..

and thanks here is a hug back (((huggies )))