Hey Erratic...
A warm hug to you.....
I felt that way once....
One night I coudnt' settle...
I felt like my nerves were crawling through my body... having totally taken on a life of their own...
Instictively... I knew that no substance was going to lift me ever again... but... I knew of no other solution other than the endless dance with prescription medication to take care of my heebs... and I wasn't going there....
I remember sitting on the end of the couch... my body and mind stuck in antsy crawly limbo with a scream of confusion and pain stuck in my throat...
Couldnt' go forward.. couldn't go back...
I cried and kvetched... and wrote and cried...
That was a few years ago now... and I still remember that night so well...
It really was the turning point for me around deciding that I would do whatever it took to lift myself out of this dysfuntional shyte hole I was in...
Lots of reading about program, codependancy, human characteristics.. addiction.. depression...
Understanding my disease went a long way to killing many of those crazy thoughts and beliefs that were making and keeping me sick and using...
Not blocking my true emotions... but trying to understand them as well...
.. and not using so that my mind could clear and think without the haze ....
I believe today that my body has an innate need to right itself... and that was the war within me....
I kept trying to shut that voice up... because in my life.. I came last on the list... any list...
It's been a journey... but.. I'm here to say it was worth it...
.. every tear...
Don't give up hope... and be proactive around recovering from what ails you...
seek the answers yourself... that will empower... rather than waiting for the answers to come of their own violition...
This is my ESH to you...
Praying for calmness and courage for you....