LeadHatter

I live in supported living for mental health needs and one of my neighbours (who also has a mental health issue) does my head in. Loudness is my main complaint but there are others. Being clingy is another one.

I don’t want to be rude or nasty but now I’ve decided I don’t like her (there are some hard feelings on my side) I just struggle to know how to behave when I’m her company. We’ve not talked in a while so maybe she has picked up on my feelings. My feelings are so strong I’d rather not even look at her.

To distance myself all I can think is don’t talk with her and if she talks to me don’t ask questions and don’t show much of an interest.

Do you think this strategy will be effective? I’m a people pleaser and being rude doesn’t come easy to me. With her maybe it’s necessary though to create some distance idk.

Like I said I don’t want to be nasty and yes I know tolerance of her would be kind but really It aught to be up to me how I spend my time and with whom. I’ve known her for enough time to make my mind up and (in my own head at least) give her plenty of chances.

I have a self contained flat with kitchen bathroom etc so would only see her in the common room or garden or on group trips.

Im happy to mind my own business to be honest and have hardly mixed with my co residents since I got sober for various reasons.

biminiblue

Some people take hints and others don't. I'd say do whatever you need to do to detach yourself from her when she is being an annoyance to you.

I live in a condo, which has 45 units. There are a couple people who I've learned to avoid for reasons.

I just walk away from them when I see them, or turn around if there's no way to avoid them. Sometimes I just smile if they say something but keep walking. I don't have to talk to anyone if I am not up for it - for whatever reason I might have.

Some of my other neighbors I try to keep it very short, "Have to go, nice to see you!" "Can't stop and talk right now." "Maybe later." whatever it takes.

LeadHatter

Thanks bimini. I think I may need to start making excuses if necessary. And again maybe even being a touch rude if necessary.

One thing that gets me is she will say to me “I’ve got a new carpet, a new chair whatever would you like to take a look in my flat?”. How I feel now I couldn’t give an expletive what her flat looks like but as a people pleaser it’s so hard (and I’ve found it impossible thus far) to say “no I don’t want to look at your flat no I don’t”.

I guess as a people pleaser and someone who’s been bullied a lot I’m terrified of any sort of conflict. As you can see however I’m trying to change that.

biminiblue

A simple, "No thanks," without an explanation said while continuing on my way would work, I would not go in someone's house that I didn't want to get trapped with!

People pleasing...that's a destructive habit.

Gabor Mate says in "The Body Says No" that if you have to choose between guilt and resentment always choose guilt!

So, just say No!!

SparkleKitty

To build on Bimini's response, "No" is a complete sentence!

LeadHatter

Guilt or resentment choose guilt interesting thankyou for that.

I know people pleasing is a bad habit but I’m changing. As I said when I updated my previous post (so you may not have seen it), people pleasing and a history of being bullied makes me afraid of any sort of conflict.

No thanks and continuing with my day sounds like a good plan Bimini Thankyou

biminiblue

Yeah, but I don't think anything bad is going to happen by you practicing your "No" on this lady.

I don't like conflict either but it's necessary sometimes as self-protection.

LeadHatter

Ok I think I have some strategies now for dealing with this person Thankyou both

LeadHatter

I don’t have to talk to anyone if I’m not up for it, for any reason.

I like that.

venuscat

I think that focusing on all of this a life lesson might be helpful dear LH.
Just putting it in the 'how do I do stuff hat'.

We can earn how to say no, I can't right now, but I hope you love your new chair.

s