Anaya

I'm referring to my mom's current mental state in the title of this thread. She's in the process of having family and medical providers help out in this phase of her life (we, the adult children, want what's best for her and she does, too); she's also reluctantly aware that she is changing and is angry sometimes, not wanting help, and other times, resigned to accepting help from others.

I've read up on dementia, though, know very well I am not qualified to pinpoint what's specifically going on with her (she started with a new doc, we'll see what he has to say, what his suggestions are, what can be done). Much of what I have read consists of suggestions and education for family members, caretakers, etc., of those who are in relationships with an elder person experiencing memory loss, etc. , stuff such as being respectful, being attentive, being helpful through the transition to acceptance and lifestyle changes; as well, trying to understand by putting oneself in the shoes of the person who is experiencing decline.

My question is to others who've had experience with being in a relationship and helping out a person dealing with dementia: What do you find to be helpful to maintain their and your calm, to be patient, to truly be of help to that person?

Thanks in advance for any replies.

Maudcat

Hi, Anaya.
My mom has dementia, which presents in her case of having absolutely no short term memory.
She asks the same questions again and again and forgets the answer.
She is currently living in her own home, and will continue to as long as she can do so safely.
A woman comes in twice a week to do light housekeeping . She chats with my mom and makes sure she takes her daily meds.
Otherwise, we, husband, sib, and me, visit her every day.
It isn’t ideal, but it is as good a solution for her as we can make.
I have scouted assisted living facilities and have found a good one in the event she can no longer live at home.
We have also freed up some money that was bound up in CDs if she has to quickly move into care.
I would urge you or another family member, if you haven’t done it already to get power of attorney and decide who is to be mother’s health care proxy.
Also, get her SS number, make sure her ID is current, apprise yourself of insurance and her financial details. Know where her birth certificate is.
I continue to be surprised how elder unfriendly institutions can be when I am attempting to do something for my mom like renew her ID.
Try to do this now, before she descends farther into dementia.
It’s hard to be patient. I have found that short visits with my mom work best for both of us. I have a mental checklist that I go through when I visit: check heat setting, check that she has hot water, check her meds, check the bathrooms as she often forgets to flush, things like that.
If she wears glasses, get her a spare pair and keep them where you can get to them. My mom is constantly misplacing her glasses.
Good luck and good thoughts.

least

My mom had pretty bad dementia in the years before she died. She lived at home alone but after a bad fall in her home we put her in assisted living for her own good.

Maudcat's advice is spot on.

Astro

I could relate to Maudcat's post so much. My father passed away in 2015, prior to that he had an ankle replacement surgery in 2012, the combination of sedatives and his alcoholism sent him down the road to dementia. We tried to have him live in his own home but after repeated falls his doctor would not release him unless he was put into assisted living.

I agree that short visits are best. His life became a cycle of repeats, same questions, same items lost every week (TV remotes especially) same clothing worn most days. I was the only person who visited him and would take him for haircuts, shaves, and would implore the staff to get him showered and cleaned. He also developed some strange habits such as unbuttoning and unzipping his pants when he sat down to eat in the dining facility, and licking his plate when he was done eating. I would have to get into his room once a month to clean out his refrigeration and anything he was hoarding from the dining room. It was heartbreaking some days. Then, there were the days he was angry with me because I wouldn't bring him vodka or he thought I was stealing the vodka he had, which was never there in the first place. He raised a fist to me and swore at me a few times, but didn't remember it the next time I visited.

I could tell you stories for days about the 2.5 years he was in assisted living.

The only advice I can really give is to be patient, be loving, and do your best to be kind no matter what the circumstances are. There were days when I had to bite my tongue, give him a hug, and walk away. Now, I would give anything to sit with my father at Happy Hour and just enjoy his company for a couple hours, I really miss him.

Maudcat

Also, there are organizations that can help. Your local Council on Aging or Elderly Services groups can help you get assistance for your mom, physical therapy if needed, and daily meals for, usually, a small fee if she qualifies.
The woman who comes in to see my mom twice a week is a godsend.
She lets me know if she notices anything unusual going on so I can follow up.
The more eyes on our elders the better, imo, tho the elders themselves often don’t like the intrusion.
Another resource is your local Visiting Nurses Assoc. They are the best and can offer support and guidance.

BDTL

Great advice Maudcat! My Dad died of Alzheimer's disease and towards the end he could barely walk and we had problems understanding him. It was a sad situation. He would take off down the highway walking looking for his car which we had to remove from his home. After a couple more wonderings and falls, I knew it was time to place him in a VA facility. He eventually could not walk at all and was in a wheelchair the rest of his life. My prayers are with you and your family.

Porcetta

Have you and your Mum seen a Geritrician?

Anaya

Yes. Recently, she started seeing a doctor, who specializes in geriatrics. She was on the search for a new doctor anyway, since she felt the one prior did not listen to her, etc.

As far as establishing power of attorney - she has documentation of POA that was established quite some time ago and has recently gone over this with family members, provided copies for us. That helps.

In general, she is pushing back against receiving help; but my brother, who she respects, has been open and honest with her, talks with her about challenges she's facing and this helps ease her into accepting more help (thank goodness!).

My heart goes out to all who responded in this thread and, as well, to your loved ones. I thank you for sharing. You've been very helpful.

Anaya

I didn't want to start a new thread since this new post does relate to this thread about my mom, having already described what she's going through, and, so, I am hoping maybe this post will get viewed, hoping someone may have information to share:

I am looking into requesting partial time off under FMLA, as I am one of several family members, who helps to care for my mom's needs. At this point, I would only request limited hours off weekly, would not be requesting a full leave.

Separately, my manager had previously approved me one weekday off, where I do come in on the weekend as needed to catch up -- manager gave thumbs up on that. Unfortunately, at this point, it looks as though, due to coworker(s) disagreeing, that privilege could possibly be taken away. I am waiting to hear more from management and have to this point only "heard it through the grapevine."

I am eligible for and had used FMLA for a few weeks in the past over a year ago after experiencing temporarily disabling injuries.

I am sure my mom's doctor would provide documentation of the need for caretaking.

My question - has anyone ever used FMLA to have time off to care for an elderly parent and would you mind sharing your experience? As I said, at this time, it would be a request for partial time off during the week though don't know if it can be requested that way.

Anaya

As time moves on and Mom continues with troubles due to dementia, it is hard to be patient with some family members - the ones who are probably either in denial or don't want to deal with what's going on, who push stuff aside. I've read lots on families who have senior parents experiencing dementia and have gathered families may end up divided, that it can get bad.

Maudcat

I think there are going to be all kinds of reactions within the family when a medical event such as dementia arises.
Some family will rise, others, not so much.
Put your trust in the ones who can and want to help, and try not to worry much about the others.
My sib lives with my mother, and he has many issues of his own, alcohol addiction among them.
He still thinks he has the mother he had 20 years ago, the one who used to give him money, get him up for work, field his phone calls, etc. and he has absolutely no patience with her at times.
I am always monitoring that situation.

Astro

It may. I did my best to focus on what I could do for my father, rather than what others weren't doing. I still feel OK about that, 3 years after he passed. I don't want bad relationships between my brothers and I, and I realize they struggled in their relationship with our father.

Anaya

Maudcat: It's good that you monitor, especially with your sib having no patience and seeming to have self-serving motivations.

Patience is waning in my family as well; some have either quit communicating or do so only sporadically and a few of those who are backpedaling have power of attorney, their action is necessary at this time to review and get paperwork signed to start our parent with assistance in home.

Anaya

Astro: You've peace of mind knowing you were there for your parent through that difficult time. My dad passed on years ago and my mom was his main caretaker. I miss him but know he is in a better place.