Screaming internally
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 155
Screaming internally
I feel like a mess in my head. I self-hate and feel like harming myself often. I went to a therapist yesterday, but saying all my problems out loud makes it seem every more unbearable. I feel guily and selfish because I still have more than most people suffering, but I can't deal with my thoughts. It makes me hate myself even more when I realize how selfish I am and I am ashamed of who I am. I cried all day yesterday because of the people I've attracted into my life and I blame myself for surrounding me with horrible people. The therapist told me I need to be compassionate to myself, but I don't know how to do that.
trying to mend
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Where the Wild Things Are
Posts: 105
I am not a therapist or a doctor, but IMO, just having feelings that show compassion for others even if not for yourself at the moment, is a sign that you are care about what you do and say and think.
Feeling guilty, selfish, and ashamed may be a start to recognizing and admitting consequences of your own actions. That in itself is a tremendous accomplishment.
Forgiving yourself is harder and takes time, lots of time.
Try writing down as many positives in your life as you can think of. You said that you have more than most people who are suffering, so there must be some positives. Focus only on the positives, including what you have, what you do, talents, skills, anything goes as long as it's positive.
Then reread the list and add more.
Accentuate the positives in your life.
If there are things you want to be different and if you have the power to make it happen, then you can make it happen. Prioritize.
It takes time. Take it one step at a time. Breathe and be thankful for what is good in your life.
Your are worthy.
Remember: Absolutely no one can MAKE us happy. We have a choice each day as to how we react to situations and events in which we have no control. Each one of us can choose to make this world just one person better.
We are a winner as long as when we fall, we always get up just one more time. We only become a failure when we stop trying.
Hugs and prayers for you. There is a winner in you.
Feeling guilty, selfish, and ashamed may be a start to recognizing and admitting consequences of your own actions. That in itself is a tremendous accomplishment.
Forgiving yourself is harder and takes time, lots of time.
Try writing down as many positives in your life as you can think of. You said that you have more than most people who are suffering, so there must be some positives. Focus only on the positives, including what you have, what you do, talents, skills, anything goes as long as it's positive.
Then reread the list and add more.
Accentuate the positives in your life.
If there are things you want to be different and if you have the power to make it happen, then you can make it happen. Prioritize.
It takes time. Take it one step at a time. Breathe and be thankful for what is good in your life.
Your are worthy.
Remember: Absolutely no one can MAKE us happy. We have a choice each day as to how we react to situations and events in which we have no control. Each one of us can choose to make this world just one person better.
We are a winner as long as when we fall, we always get up just one more time. We only become a failure when we stop trying.
Hugs and prayers for you. There is a winner in you.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I really identify with what you are saying. I often feel like "what right have I to be this messed up or hurting when things really aren't all that bad"
but life isn't a comparison. We each have to deal with where we are, with the internal and external resources we have.
It always bugs me when people say "well, look how many people have it worse than you, you shouldn't feel bad" I mean, when someone is happy do we say "well, what are YOU happy about? Look how so and so has it so much better!"
Everyone has a right to their own feelings. And when I am not comfortable with my feelings and behavior, the best thing to do is focus on myself and address it rather than trying to distract myself with someone else is or isn't feeling.
I do find gratitude lists to help me. I often do them at night when I am falling asleep. I choose a room in my home, or an area of life (relationship, job, pets) and start thinking of all the things that I am grateful for. It helps keep me on an even keel when I stay in touch with the fact that I have some good things in my life and I am able to notice that. Knowing I can keep sight on reality is very encouraging to me.
I TOTALLY know what you mean by having someone say "be compassionate with yourself" like what does that even mean? I was a neglected abused child, I don't know what compassion towards myself looks like. When people tell me to get a pedicure or buy a blouse, I'll feel better about myself, I seriously feel like "are you f'n kidding me? really? A blouse?"
It took time but I have found some things that I am good at, enjoy, or feel safe with, and am building relationships with those things. But it is true that I had to begin to let go of the self blame and hate first. And I was scared to, because that is what protected me...or so I thought...from even worse things that life might lob my way.
Self hate, blame and shame, in some inside out way were my way of convincing myself I could control some part of this scary world. Very hard to let go of that. But necessary.
but life isn't a comparison. We each have to deal with where we are, with the internal and external resources we have.
It always bugs me when people say "well, look how many people have it worse than you, you shouldn't feel bad" I mean, when someone is happy do we say "well, what are YOU happy about? Look how so and so has it so much better!"
Everyone has a right to their own feelings. And when I am not comfortable with my feelings and behavior, the best thing to do is focus on myself and address it rather than trying to distract myself with someone else is or isn't feeling.
I do find gratitude lists to help me. I often do them at night when I am falling asleep. I choose a room in my home, or an area of life (relationship, job, pets) and start thinking of all the things that I am grateful for. It helps keep me on an even keel when I stay in touch with the fact that I have some good things in my life and I am able to notice that. Knowing I can keep sight on reality is very encouraging to me.
I TOTALLY know what you mean by having someone say "be compassionate with yourself" like what does that even mean? I was a neglected abused child, I don't know what compassion towards myself looks like. When people tell me to get a pedicure or buy a blouse, I'll feel better about myself, I seriously feel like "are you f'n kidding me? really? A blouse?"
It took time but I have found some things that I am good at, enjoy, or feel safe with, and am building relationships with those things. But it is true that I had to begin to let go of the self blame and hate first. And I was scared to, because that is what protected me...or so I thought...from even worse things that life might lob my way.
Self hate, blame and shame, in some inside out way were my way of convincing myself I could control some part of this scary world. Very hard to let go of that. But necessary.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 480
Hi SS - I resonate with your post, with that internal 'psychic scream'.
For me, I had that internal pain and bewilderment most of my life. Alcohol and drugs were my solution to that pain and confusion. They smoothed away the jagged edges of being alive. Simply breathing in and out, being alive, was difficult for me, without my solution of alcohol and drugs (when they were working).
When alcohol and drugs quit working, I was left with that same condition. For me, just addressing the physical and mental aspect of alcoholism wasn't enough. I'm not one of those who's pretty normal except for my addiction. Counseling, group therapy, hypnosis, etc. etc. had very little impact on this condition long-term. For myself, I now believe that that chronic angst is a symptom of a spiritual malady, which only a spiritual experience can conquer. That may or may not be true for you, of course.
HTH - your post just resonated with my experience of the unrelenting pain I've gone through most of my life (both before and after alcohol/drugs).
For me, I had that internal pain and bewilderment most of my life. Alcohol and drugs were my solution to that pain and confusion. They smoothed away the jagged edges of being alive. Simply breathing in and out, being alive, was difficult for me, without my solution of alcohol and drugs (when they were working).
When alcohol and drugs quit working, I was left with that same condition. For me, just addressing the physical and mental aspect of alcoholism wasn't enough. I'm not one of those who's pretty normal except for my addiction. Counseling, group therapy, hypnosis, etc. etc. had very little impact on this condition long-term. For myself, I now believe that that chronic angst is a symptom of a spiritual malady, which only a spiritual experience can conquer. That may or may not be true for you, of course.
HTH - your post just resonated with my experience of the unrelenting pain I've gone through most of my life (both before and after alcohol/drugs).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 155
Yes, thank you guys. The self harming is something that has come back now that I am sober and no longer drink over my problems. One person told me to buy nice body lotion instead of cutting myself. How does that help relief my feelings?! But they're only trying to help I guess. I will make some gratitude lists. I think my ego enjoys self-pity honestly and I'm trying to drag myself out of it.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 480
SS - I used to cut, as well. It's a way to externalize pain, when I didn't have any other skills with which to do that. When I learned tools that were useful in processing overwhelming emotions, I didn't have to cut any more.
Toward the end of my cutting, I actually took a red lip color stick and ran it down my wrists/arms, and took blue eye pencil and drew big tears on my face. Went about my business all day in my apartment that way, lol. I was learning to externalize, goofy as that sounds.
I have noticed an increase in my junk food and caffeine consumption; I don't think it's unusual for some of the lesser life-threatening coping mechanisms to increase while we're working out our solution to the drink problem - not just quitting drinking, but the underlying condition that drove some of us to drink. But, that (finding a solution for my 'internal scream') is an absolute must, for me. I MUST find a solution that works at least as good (as alcohol/drugs) for my internal pain or back I will go. Maybe not today, maybe not next week. But eventually. It always happens that way, for me.
Toward the end of my cutting, I actually took a red lip color stick and ran it down my wrists/arms, and took blue eye pencil and drew big tears on my face. Went about my business all day in my apartment that way, lol. I was learning to externalize, goofy as that sounds.
I have noticed an increase in my junk food and caffeine consumption; I don't think it's unusual for some of the lesser life-threatening coping mechanisms to increase while we're working out our solution to the drink problem - not just quitting drinking, but the underlying condition that drove some of us to drink. But, that (finding a solution for my 'internal scream') is an absolute must, for me. I MUST find a solution that works at least as good (as alcohol/drugs) for my internal pain or back I will go. Maybe not today, maybe not next week. But eventually. It always happens that way, for me.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by SulfuricSplash 
I think my ego enjoys self-pity honestly and I'm trying to drag myself out of it.
I also think part of me is always "bargaining" with the Universe. Like if I self impose suffering...then it won't feel the need to dole some out unexpectedly, because already "gave at the office".
I think my self imposed suffering is me trying to create some sort of karmic insurance policy. Weird.
The last time I cut ( I knew, just like with my other addictions I had to stop it once and for all) was just before my divorce.
There is a song I love that goes "Whatever doesn't kill you, is gonna leave a scar" and what I did was put a tattoo (self imposed) on my thigh that reads "This is my scar"...externalized, done, once and for all. And when I've thought about cutting, I look at it, run my hand over it (it is somewhat raised) and say "no, I don't have to. I have a scar, don't need any more. it's done) I'm not suggesting this as some sort of cure. And that wasn't why I did it, it just worked out that way, that after that I didn't need to keep cutting.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 480
How elegant, Thresh - your tattoo. Got a big smile and a nodding reading that. I guess that's what I was doing with the lip stick and the eye pencil - only mine came off (eventually - man, who knew how much soap and cold-cream it took to remove that much make-up crap!) 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 155
Thanks for the support. I will try some of those things. This whole situation makes me feel like I am back in high school! I guess its true what they say when you stop drinking your maturity is at what age you started drinking.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Mankato, MN
Posts: 14
Your post resonated with me also. I lost my marriage a year ago due to my drinking, and often the shame and remorse are very hard to bear. I often wonder if I have continued drinking because I just don't care enough about myself and my life to stop - but now I am going to try to stop and get my life back on track. You are not alone.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 480
I resonate with your post, StPatrickGirl. For the first two weeks in AA I would barely talk to anyone. My feeling was, "Don't invest too much emotional energy - I'm probably not going to make it, anyway." That's how utterly bleak it seemed to me; I was almost at the 'jumping off place', really.
It gets better, it really does. Addiction just hollowed me out till there was very little 'me' left and I was bereft and bewildered. That does start to return. Do you have support? A program of recovery? There are several options that also give a lot of support (AA, AVRT, SMART, LifeRing and a woman's group...I think it's called Women for Sobriety, maybe?).
HTH - you're not alone. The early days are the toughest.
It gets better, it really does. Addiction just hollowed me out till there was very little 'me' left and I was bereft and bewildered. That does start to return. Do you have support? A program of recovery? There are several options that also give a lot of support (AA, AVRT, SMART, LifeRing and a woman's group...I think it's called Women for Sobriety, maybe?).
HTH - you're not alone. The early days are the toughest.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
OMG, lipstick is a total nightmare to remove from anything OTHER than lips.
It's nearly as bad as permanent marker, I swear. Learned the hardway having to go around with bizarrely colored cheeks for two days!
It's nearly as bad as permanent marker, I swear. Learned the hardway having to go around with bizarrely colored cheeks for two days!
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 178
ugh I do know about the internal screaming, and how hard it is to stop drinking, smoking, hurting yourself, whatever it is that you do to dull that screaming when you know you'll have to face it full on.
I did an 8 week mindfulness meditation course and I have to say it has really helped. All the practise of just sitting with your feelings makes it easier to just allow yourself to feel whatever it is you're feeling without having to medicate yourself in some way.
I used drinking to blur the edges, and it was almost a knee-jerk reaction to go and drink when I felt those kind of feelings rising up in me, but the problem is the feelings always came back later even if there was some kind of instant relief when I drank. And it only made me less confident about my ability to handle my own feelings.
So I've been meditating for about 18 months and it's rare now, although not completely gone, that I will run to the bottle for help.
I highly recommend the 8 week MBSR course - it has really helped me in so many ways. I'm not so much on the knee-jerk reaction any more and my relationships with others have improved greatly, also my relationship with myself.
I don't really think it's self pity. Sometimes life just gets too complicated and you feel like you're drowning, and if you have trauma after trauma there's no space or time to recover from one thing before the next happens.
Some people do have it worse, but they too have trouble handling their emotions! I worked with refugees for a while, and a lot of those people were really suffering - not just with the events that happened, but with their own reactions to it.
I know it's not for everyone, but I'm just putting it out there because for me, it really has changed my life and I've seen that happen for others.
I'm grateful I found it xxx
I did an 8 week mindfulness meditation course and I have to say it has really helped. All the practise of just sitting with your feelings makes it easier to just allow yourself to feel whatever it is you're feeling without having to medicate yourself in some way.
I used drinking to blur the edges, and it was almost a knee-jerk reaction to go and drink when I felt those kind of feelings rising up in me, but the problem is the feelings always came back later even if there was some kind of instant relief when I drank. And it only made me less confident about my ability to handle my own feelings.
So I've been meditating for about 18 months and it's rare now, although not completely gone, that I will run to the bottle for help.
I highly recommend the 8 week MBSR course - it has really helped me in so many ways. I'm not so much on the knee-jerk reaction any more and my relationships with others have improved greatly, also my relationship with myself.
I don't really think it's self pity. Sometimes life just gets too complicated and you feel like you're drowning, and if you have trauma after trauma there's no space or time to recover from one thing before the next happens.
Some people do have it worse, but they too have trouble handling their emotions! I worked with refugees for a while, and a lot of those people were really suffering - not just with the events that happened, but with their own reactions to it.
I know it's not for everyone, but I'm just putting it out there because for me, it really has changed my life and I've seen that happen for others.
I'm grateful I found it xxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 155
Milo, I think you just described what I've been trying to figure out. I've had trauma after trauma and I never have time to recovery before the next one hits me. There was a meditation class called rika I was going to sign up for this weekend that maybe now I will take advantage of. Its helps with anxiety.
I am 101 days sober and cutting is something I haven't done since 2008. But this year has just been so TOUGH. I got fired earlier this summer. Found a new job, but now self-concious of getting fired again. Got dumped back in april. Started ANOTHER relationship in June to my stupidity. Just found out that guy was seeing other girls and lying about it. (would have been different if he hadn't lied ya know). Broke it off with him this weekend even though I still really really like him
Now I can't go to my favorite AA meetings because I am afraid to see him. And I don't have many friends because I also moved this year to another state. I'm basically a mess. And although I have avoided cutting my arms and legs, I have been cutting my feet. I thought it wasn't bad to do, bc the skin is dead and doesn't bleed so much. But my therapist said its the same thing. I am praying for help to stop myself from self-destructing in some way.
I am 101 days sober and cutting is something I haven't done since 2008. But this year has just been so TOUGH. I got fired earlier this summer. Found a new job, but now self-concious of getting fired again. Got dumped back in april. Started ANOTHER relationship in June to my stupidity. Just found out that guy was seeing other girls and lying about it. (would have been different if he hadn't lied ya know). Broke it off with him this weekend even though I still really really like him
Now I can't go to my favorite AA meetings because I am afraid to see him. And I don't have many friends because I also moved this year to another state. I'm basically a mess. And although I have avoided cutting my arms and legs, I have been cutting my feet. I thought it wasn't bad to do, bc the skin is dead and doesn't bleed so much. But my therapist said its the same thing. I am praying for help to stop myself from self-destructing in some way.
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