BeFree4good

I was clean for about 6 almost 8 years and I relapsed about a year and a half ago. I just turned 40. I'm coming off of Suboxone. Or trying to. I don't trust my own thoughts anymore. I can't remember anything. And if I touch an anxiety medication I'm in real trouble. I actually got baker acted last weekend and really I probably should have stayed but I didn't feel like I was getting any help just kind of being put away. I've been an addict and a really bad one for years and years. Being clean was the greatest thing that ever happen to me. I met my wife and i moved across the state of Florida to be with her and I really don't know if i would be here if it wasn't for her. But God does what he wants when he wants regardless of whose their but she has definitely been a huge help and anchor for me. She tries not to enable and I try to suffer if i screw up because I don't want her in a bad spot.She's left to stay at her parents for some time since I got Baker Acted. I actually cut myself up on my arm pretty bad and made up this whole story just to try to get medication.I got it alright. And locked up. She left. I have bad scars and still healing. Now I know I'm not the only one but just like that this is a whole new jump for me!! I would never do stuff like this no matter what. I haven't used anything but Suboxone for the last year and a half and BAM!! Look!! She's freaked out. I am too. I'm so embarrassed and shocked that she still even talks to me. It's really scary to me to be honest.
I did take some xanax cause I freaked out one day after being off the Suboxone and I had a panic attack and i know better. That stuff always lands me in deep trouble. But cutting my arm up. Having to be mentally observed and locked away is just shocking to me. This is one level I just thought I was incapable of going and now I'm really terrified to be honest. What else am I capable of is what I keep thinking of. My wife got a restricitve order as well. Am I capable of hurting her like that??? Dear God!
I don't trust my thoughts. I can't find work so I'm having real self worth issues on top of things. My wife is about to leave me for good. In one weekend I almost destroyed my life. I'm not even mentioning the 20 little stupid things that go along with this story. I'm working real hard at the moment to get off the suboxone. I will not touch a dam anxiety pill!! SO i'm making this my big struggle right now. Well my first point I guess. If I feel I can't do it then I'm immediately going to get help and look for treatment. I want my life back and I'll do whatever I have to.
I just feel out of sorts and I have for awhile. Memory is really bad. I don't like the feeling I have on Suboxone so I'm hoping that is going to be a big indicator on what direction to go next but getting clean is the first. I have been seeing a good doctor but funds are getting really low and seeing a psych isn't cheap. I shake a lot physically as well. I'm a professional powerlifter so I eat right and i don't do caffeine and it just started a couple months ago. I just don't know where to begin. I know I'm rambling but that really scared me. 5 Xanax made me almost cut my arm off, threaten my wife with I don't even remember. Her dad and brother as well. Get Baker Acted. My wife to have to stay with parents for a few days. And there has been no slow build up. I tried to quit suboxone, had a panic attack, got some xanax and then all of that followed all within 48 hours. I know God has to be looking down at me going man how many do you think you get???
I don't want to live this way anymore. I have no friends. And I'm not being exaggerative. Zero. I sit with my wife or alone. Ok maybe one but he has a life and we're different characters. I workout alone. God knows I'd probably have 15 world records instead of 6 if I let people help me. I didn't do this alone when I got clean and I know I need people around me I'm just really scared to move at the moment. I haven't even talked to a person other than text or email in 3 days. Just reading this stuff is horrifying to me.

hcatoni723

My heart goes out to you. Are you under a physicians care. Suboxone is a devil to get off of. I just got out of a treatment center and witnessed several clients coming off of it and the withdrawal was twofold and lasting twice as long. It it as addictive as any other opiate out there. Even more so I think. Xanax is one of the worst benzos out there as far as blackouts go especially when taken in conjunction with subuxone. An overdose is frequent with these 2 drugs and it doesn't take a big dose of either. I know because those drugs put me in a coma for 8 days. Please avoid the Xanax while your are taking suboxone try to find a addictologist that can help you wean off the suboxone I hope you can find some peace in your life. You need to take care of yourself before you make amends to your significant other and understand you can't change the way people think and feel. That's out of your control. And you can start mending fences by getting clean again and staying that way. Hope all works out for you

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thuggybear

I feel for you.
I'm struggling too,
but I know from experience,
that is always gets better.
Hang in there,
thuggybear.

brokenheart

scary place to be

I hope things are better now that it has been a few weeks since your post.

Please let us know how it's going.