courtneykay

Hi everyone,

I just need to get everything off of my chest. I have posted here before about my addict boyfriend, well now "ex," I suppose. But I need to post about myself, and focus on me for once.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety. I am currently on zoloft, and that has been working well for me, up until recently. I have been self harming, and had multiple incidents where I thought/tried to commit suicide.

Today was rough. My bf and I have been arguing more than ever lately, he has been back to his old ways and treating me poorly. He decided that we needed to break up, which I understood. The only thing was he has been sending me very mixed signals. The day we were saying goodbye he was telling me how much he loved me, flirting with me, etc, etc. The next day he was completely ignoring me. Then today, I found him with another girl.

I lost it. There has been history of him talking to other girls while he was with me. It is definitely a trigger for me. So I took the picture frame of us, and shattered it. I wasn't planning on it, but I ended up slitting my arm with a shard of glass. The cut ended up being a lot deeper than any I ever had before, and landed me in the emergency room with 14 stitches.

The good news is my parents are finally aware that I have been having suicidal thoughts. They knew about my anxiety, but I have been hiding the depression and self harm from them. We talked to a social worker at the emergency room, and I am going to start counseling and increase my dosage of zoloft.

I just need support...need to find ways to focus on ME and getting better, not on the bf. I am definitely codependent, I've posted about this before. I am always seeking approval and validation, especially from my bf. I need to figure out how to by myself, and be HAPPY again. Be happy with the person I am.

I feel crazy right now. Like a mental patient. Throughout this time I have lost most of my friends, I don't have much of a support system in my life, other than my loving parents and siblings.

College starts in a few weeks..I want to feel good about myself and be ready for this huge transition in my life.

neferkamichael

13ckn01, you are FANTASTIC. Please dump him and go to college. Get a high powered education and take care of yourself first. Rootin for ya. :egypt

SoberChristy

You can get through it. I encourage you to take care of YOURSELF as well. I'm 26 and have attempted suicide 3 times in my life, 2 of them putting me in the ER. Due to a combination of anxiety, depression, alcohol abuse/addiction and drug overdose. You can pick yourself up. For me, it was because I was the girl who never dated, never had a boyfriend and thought I was jealous of girls who did. Then I got older and found other things to obsess over-my weight, job worries, etc. If it isn't your boyfriend, it would be something else-trust me. Get help to treat the core of the issue, because it is likely not the boyfriend.

I hope this helps-at least a little :-)

courtneykay

Thank you for your kind words, nef. I am going to focus on myself & having the best college experience I can!

This helped A LOT, so thank you. It is nice to know that I am not alone on this journey. Your story is incredibly uplifting, I know if you can get through this, I can too. I am ready to take the steps to focus on ME and my health. I just hope I can keep my optimism through all of this.

I definitely do not blame my boyfriend - it is not his fault that I am depressed and having suicidal thoughts. It is a combination of a lot of different things, not just the stress of the relationship. I am thankful that he was there to drive me to the hospital and not leave me alone, because the harm I did to myself could have been a lot worse.