catmilkyo

sometimes i feel like a total mess.
bpd diagnosis.
right now ... if it's not one thing it's another.
whenever intense feelings come up, i shove them down somehow. i wouldn't call myself bulimic, but binging and purging has become a nasty part of my coping repertoire lately as i struggle through interpersonal relationships and dating. . .
i should be doing meditation or something. . . anything else. sometimes i see these horrible patterns and i think "i know better, i can change this" but then i go back to the binging. . . alone, by myself. i go to the store and buy all that junk food (shamefully, i try to hit different stores and self checkout to avoid being noticed) to eat it alone in my apartment and purge. and pass out. meanwhile i neglect everything else i could be doing to actually feel good about myself. . .

i want to change tomorrow. i wish i had a day or four off. . . just to get it right. i don't feel normal like this. i don't feel like normal people behave this way when **** gets tough. i don't understand what's going on in my relationships, and sometimes i feel like i need to quarantine myself and just be alone because i'm too messed up. . .
i know i've had a difficult upbringing in the world and there are the reasons i struggle with the self hate and the shame i do. my therapist says i need to mourn and feel this stuff, but to be honest. . . it's just so hard. sometimes i'm out and i get so happy i want to cry, or wistful and feel the tears, when i meditate sometimes they come too. i feel really raw and vulnerable. i am not comfortable letting it all in.
just had to get it out there.

ODAT63

my son has anxiety, social phobias and is scare to even get out of the home, he is 22 and never had a girlfriend, or real friends, my heart goes out to you, I know every day is a new beggining, my son finally decided to get help and is attending, NAMI and taking celexa, he said he feels a little better and took the dog for a short walk. It has been 6 weeks since he started the medication, I really hopes and works for him.
Good luck to you, Im glad you are expressing your emotions here.

Threshold

Learning to sit with our feelings and letting them inform us, but not control us, is one of the big tasks of recovery.

Eating disorders can be addressed similarly to other substance abuse disorders. I find that working on recovery and applying what I learn to all areas of my life, has led to real progress. The thing was I had to start and keep moving forward.

I'm really glad you shared. I often don't know how to react to my own feelings..or to my feelings about my feelings. Maybe it's a learned skill, however, years of active addiction showed me some ways I know I should NOT react to my feelings. ugh.

catmilkyo

my feelings tell me that i'm scared. it seems that these things always rear their head when i am getting close to other people - friendships or relationships. i guess there is still a lot of stuff i am avoiding feeling in relationships. i feel like i've made a lot of progress in reaching out to people and socializing, talking, sharing. . . before i was a huge isolater, now i'm just someone with reclusive tendencies. . . but i'm still dealing with the same behaviors. i'm still really scared. i'm going to talk to my therapist tomorrow, considering seeing a nutritionist because living alone i eat and buy crap that makes it easy to b/p. thanks for the reply threshold.