alisam

I have BPD and am at the black phase. I got wasted on Friday and ****** up bad, upsetting someone i love. Now i want to die. Hate myself so much.

Dee74

I'm sorry you feel so low alisam.

Not all of us have BPD...but most of us have done things we regretted and upset or even hurt people we loved when we were drinking.

We do get past these kinds of events - please don't judge your entire future on whatever happened over the weekend.

If you need some help right now, there's a lot of reading here and a lot of crisis numbers to call - there are international numbers too:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

and here are some UK links that might be useful as well

outlook south west

SupportLine - Problems: Suicide: Advice, support and information

Samaritans | Samaritans

D

alisam

Thank you. I have just sent a self referal to outlook southwest. x

peanuts7

i dont have bpd but i do have major depression. though i dont completely understand the disorder i can totally relate to the hatred and feeling like you want it all to just end. i feel that fortnightly, drink or no drink, mistake or no mistake.

i have just been typing my thanks to members of the forum for responding to my post about my messy saturday. ive not gone into detail about what happened but trust me, it was so bad. shameful score?
if this person you love had done the same thing to you, would you forgive them? perhaps they need a little bit of time to cool off? the friend that rode in the ambulance with me is still speaking to me but needs time to cool off for sure. but ultimately we'll still be friends because the friendship goes beyond one (or two) stupid drunk mistakes.

the number one thing for me is, everyone close to me knows ive got issues with depression. had they not been aware, theres a high chance theyd all be very angry with me. im lucky that its generally accepted that im not in the best place at the minute, not that its an excuse. i have apologised profusely and feel terrible, but ultimately the people that mind dont matter, and the people that matter dont mind. is this person aware of your bpd problems, or the extent of them? i found it hard to discuss depression for a long time due to the stigma i feel surrounds mental health issues generally but ultimately i decided i needed the support of people around me. i know theyd be so mad at me for ending my life feeling like i couldnt lean on them.

i also find if i feel myself slipping into this darkness, taking my medication early helps stop it in its tracks. sure i dont feel better, but i dont get any worse either. im not sure if you're on medication but if you're not, would you consider it? maybe this is something to discuss with your doctor?

the suicidal feeling lingers with me for days at a time sometimes, but after this amount of time with it, i KNOW it will pass eventually. everything passes with time. it never feels like it will, but it will. i usually try to sleep it off if i can.

maybe if you take some positive steps you can prove yourself to this person? or work towards making it up to them? what caused you to drink in the first place? were you in completely the wrong frame of mind to be hitting the bottle?

if you need to talk or even just vent, please inbox me anytime. nothing is worth ending your life over, even though sometimes it seems like the most logical solution in the world. its definitely not.

alisam

Thank u for your support. Yes i am on meds and always will be. Have been to the dr this avo and had them increased. I have just tried to talk to my other half about it all but he just turns it all round to how bad everything is for him and how he's a martyre. Makes me just want to give up. Oh well, he's going out tonight so i'm gonna try to do some craft and calm down.

catmilkyo

take care alisam. i also have a bpd diagnosis. i have been in treatment for about 2 years, non stop. i still struggle with certain self destructive behaviors (b/p mostly, i am slowly getting comfortable entering relationships that aren't chaotic or abusive) but i promise it does get better if you do the work. . those feelings of shame and despair still pop up but they aren't as intense. i don't want to paint a perfect picture, because i still struggle, but i don't get to the point of wanting it to end, of giving up hope, etc, the way i used to.

i guess all i'm saying is good for you for going for treatment. you'll find people who can be supportive there . . i remember a family member, for example, always acting like a martyr over certain issues i'd have, like a time i ended up in the hospital it ended up being all about them. it really hurt, because i felt like i was being blamed or cast as the "bad guy". but over time i've come to see where certain people just can't be the support we want or need, especially if they're in our inner circle (in the midst of the storm) and that's where a good therapist and/or support group can be of help.

i still struggle with letting others close to me, and letting them know the extent to which emotions and relationships are hard for me. . . as i've gotten a little better in knowing how to present my problems and deal with them, it's easier. like, i can talk about how certain situations cause me intense anxiety and fear and it doesn't make me feel ashamed to admit it. it can be the same with depression i guess. the thing i've found is that many "normal" people have the same struggles and will be able to relate on some level, and that feels good.

hang on to hope is all i can say with confidence. . . i don't believe we are ever cured of our problems because they are problems of living and to be cured would mean no more life. i do believe we can ease into living though, with the support and help of others, and our troubles and pains can become more manageable and our lives can get better. feel free to pm me if you ever want to talk about recovery or treatment type stuff - i've been through a lot of it.

alisam

Thank u honey. xxx