2stop

I have two important things I MUST get done today, and I have been tossing and turning all night terrified to leave my "safety" zone. I am even fearful of walking the kids to school. I feel so beaten, like someone just crushed me from behind with a 2 ton sledgehammer. I am really "crawling" today. I have been praying HP Help me over and over.....I think I wore out my privileges with the big guy in the sky....no relief seems in sight. I went to the basement to get some laundry...and the brilliant idea of locking myself up down there crossed my mind. LOL..pitiful pitiful. I will face these fears and do it anyways...but It seems to weaken me not strengthen me. Then again I know my perceptions are totally screwed up from years of drug abuse and dealing with the panic disorder. I just feel all screwed up in the head.....but like I have always told others we must not allow our feelings to be confused with fact. The fear is a legit..I DO feel it...but the fact remains the "worst" that can happen by me leaving my house today is I get carted away in a strait jacket...and quite frankly it is a real threat to me after spending 3 separate terms in a state hospital as a teen and dozens of other times at local and private hospitals.....I have survived institutions before...so that's the worst case scenario...I get committed for acting like a nutcase in public...LOL..sounds silly I know, but it's real to me. Will check in later with my trek into the real world...thanks guys.

((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))

2stop

I have completed step one..the kids are walked to school, I remembered to mail two bills out at the mailbox on our way..and I am home. Now I am arguing with myself about calling the taxi and doing the business I need to take care of. I have sweat pouring off me.....it's 45 degress out!l LOL...it would be cheaper to ride the bus...but so many people...in a moving vehicle! Yikes!!I would really like to just not do this trip to town.....but there's just no way around it this time. not all trips out are this severe for me, but when the big kahuna hits...it tries to wipe me out. You think they have pretty colors for strait jackets these days? Maybe the colors of a beautiful sunset....kinda correlates with the feeling of "going down" LOL...Okay I have officially lost my mind. Pay no heed to my frantic ramblings...I am just trying to work through this and get it done...laughing is good for anxiety. Please feel free to laugh right along with me...will not offend me in the least.
I am GOING to work through this if it's the last thing I do.
Maybe I could try some visualizing with my fears..maybe picture a fashion show of strait jackets, kinda to make light and humorous my fear of going crazy! Maybe it'll work. When I am faced with someone I have fear of I will immediately visualize them in one of my many fabulous designer..and oh so sought after strait jackets. We'll see how it works!:p

2stop

The fear is growing, I am frustrated with myself. I don't know what to do! I know what I need to do, just not how....I could just scream right now!!!!!

2stop

Well, I did it...I made it to town and took care of business. I thought I wouldn't be able to..and oh my the driver that took me over..nice enough fella but VERY friendly you know what I mean? Theer was a wreck on the interstate, one fatality. We nearly rear-ended a few vehicles...but I am alive and well. Don't want to leave the house any time soon...but will make it to my kids Thanksgiving Feast tomorrow..I cannot let them down. They deserve a mother...as nutty as I am I want to be there for them.
Thanks for giving me encouragement. It kinda helps typing all this out...working through it any way I have to.

(((((((((Hugs))))))))) :tongue3:

2stop

Is lying a prerequisite for being a mortgage broker??? We are told All is TO GO!! The final approval, the signing off on the closing papers for the attorney, it IS ready..but then wait!! Our broker informs us that she lied about husbands dates of employment and the lender has already called the employer. There has been no need to lie about employment dates until now!! She at least coud have given us a heads up... you know???? I am so upset I am shaking.....If we have to move I will be so broken-hearted. I am too mad to cry, I want to scream my head off right now...

There's nothing I can do about this except the day I have money have a lawyer on retainer that begs someone to mess with him!!

Lilya

((((Tammie))))

I think it´s excellent that you did conquer your fear to leave the house and took care of business. I´m proud of you. Unfortunate about that accident, though, but you will take the kids out for Thanksgiving anyway. That´s really great.

I don´t understand what happened with the mortgage broker and her lying about your husband´s employment. Isn´t this correctable? It should be, since everything is ready to go. I´m sure you can come to some kind of arrangement.

Wishing you lots of courage and sending you hugs from across the ocean.

2stop

It will have to work out...I am so past being embarrassed about the Good News!! I just feel like it's all crumbling in , like in the end the end it doesn't really matter..you live you survive, you die. If I could just get the panic and depression under control I could handle just about anything..but with that...it's near impossible. I haven't given up..I am just very tired and frustrated.

Hugs back across the ocean to you.....

Mamabear

Hi Tammie,

I sent you the name and # of the woman I respect via pm. Please let me know if you get it and if you call her. You can tell her you got it from someone at her former high school who heard her speak at an awards ceremony. She's very good.
I'll be praying for you. Things will settle down. Be strong, be at peace. You have made it through many obstacles and can make it through all this too.
(((((love)))))
Mamabear

Juls

Tammie,

What you are afraid of is the fearful feelings you experience. When you leave the house nothing bad is going to happen, well barring unforseen circumstances. The sky will not fall on your head. You already know what the worst it, but even though it has happened before, doesn't mean it will happen again. When you learn how not to be afraid of the "feelings" of anxiety, then the less and less you will have anxiety attacks.

One way to learn how to fear those feelings less is to get yourself a good relaxation tape. Use it at least twice a day, more is better. But minimally in the morning and evening. If you want to get better, you have to make time to do something like this. It is so important for you to learn how to relax yourself when these feelings come up. Learning just to go with them and not fight them. They are only feelings, and the feeling in and of themselves "Cannot" hurt you. One thing is that you are "trying" too hard. I know that probably doesn't make sense, but when you feel that there is something terribly wrong with you and that you have to fight it, that can cause you to feel more anxiety. It is something of a Catch 22 in that you start to feel anxiety which causes a release of adrenaline that makes you feel more anxious. You then feel frightened by what you feel, causing more anxiety, more adrenaline being released, more fear of what you feel.

HOWEVER, your body can only do so much of this, and at that point you usually end of feeling, ehausted and depressed, with your self-esteem feeing battered.

Are you on any type of medication, not tranquilizers, but there are some anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medications that can help until you can learn coping methods. Anxiety disorders respond very well to behaivoral modification therapy. Part of it is just learning to understand what is happening to your body, and that you don't need to fear it.

If you pm me your address, I'd like to send you a copy of a couple of the tapes I've used that have helped me. The whole program isn't cheap, I think $320.00, but it is worth every penny, if you have it. I think I've mentioned before that if you don't have that much I would be able to help you with the cost. Tammi, something like this is imperative for you so you can get beyond this and get on with your life.

Juls

2stop

Thank you both of you. I have sent you each a PM..(((Hugs)))

Lilya

I´m keeping my fingers crossed for you!

I think it will turn out well. It´s just a feeling. I hope I´m right.

2stop

Thank you all. I am so sorry I have been full of negative energy today. I don't like to spread my discontent...I keep thinking I should not be typing all these pitiful posts. I know I have to let stuff out, but feeling vulnerable for doing so..you know what I am saying..like oh boy! They will think the worst of me and not be able to depend on me...I am usually strong. But maybe what I must learn is how to handle the down, how to sit with the shame and pain just long enough to acknowledge it..and lovingly let it go...instead of fighting like a countries last patriot to annihilate the enemy....Juls said I was fighting too hard, I think I get it now...and I have always believed that what one fights for strengthens them..what they fight against weakens them..BINGO!!! I just forgot to add myself to the equation! It applied to everything but me....Okay...I feel better now...and I am growing the attitude inside me just like I used to when locked up or really beat down..I WILL PREVAIL< I WILL PERSEVERE<I WILL BE ALL THAT I DREAM I CAN BE!! I remember as a teen in the state hospitals when the docs was threatening me and all kinds of abuses going on..I remember a very strong mental stomping of my foot feeling in my chest and my mind. Mentally I planted myself roots in the knowledge that I COULD stand alone if need be with the entire world against me...and still survive. they could mess with me and threaten me all they wanted...I was firm in believing in me. This is what I must do again. Brace myself, don't fight too hard...and keep walking forward.

Love you all!!!!(((Hugs)))

2stop

Now how did I do that?? Can you all se where my signature lines are slanted to the right?? How'd I do that??

dotcom

hi 2stop

i know your feeling very scared and not brave at all. but your words are very strong! sometimes i feel all alone like im trapped in my own prison of fears and ocd and ptss...its so nice to know that someone else got through it is possible! hope everything works out with your house!

dotcom

Juls

Tammi,

Last night I woke up a few times feeling alot of anxiety. From what I don't know. Before I would have ended up being awake all night, and the anxiety just growing and growing.

What I did last night though was to immediately start to tell myself that what I was feeling was only anxiety, there was nothing wrong with me, I was allright, everything was going to be o.k., my feelings couldn't hurt me, etc. This kind of self-talk messages is very important to help calm me down and help me to feel better. Since I have been practicing this now for several years, it usually doesn't take long for me to relax and fall back to sleep. Less than 5 or 10 minutes.

If I didn't know how to do this I would have lain awake, being frightened by my feelings, which would have lead to more fear and anxiety, a pounding heart, more fear, and on and on. When you are able to learn to do this effectively with yourself, (giving yourself soothing self-talk messages when you are feeling anxious) you will be able to get over these episodes much faster.

Juls