Dealing with lack of intimacy
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 664
Dealing with lack of intimacy
I'm not sure if this is the right section of the forum to post this, but I figured it has a great deal to do with my mental health.
I can still smell the stripper's scent on me. When she was grinding on me, it reminded me of what I lack: intimacy. I'm bi, but I've never had sex with a man or woman and I'm 24. It's a point of personal embarrassment, although I've kind of got over it over the years. It's mostly due to the fact that part of my depression is anxiety, social anxiety and not taking as many risks. On top of that, I'm 70 pounds overweight and I do not really consider myself physically attractive. And despite what people try to tell me, I still believe physical good looks play the major component in whether people my age are attracted to someone or not. So because of that and what the depression does to me, I just don't have much confidence to approach a guy or girl I like for fear of likely rejection and know they're not going to be attracted to someone with poor confidence as people are attracted to confidence. And more than intimacy I want someone with whom to share my love and affection, but no one since my first and only girlfriend at 16 has let me get that close.
My therapist encourages me to distract myself when those thoughts come up, but it only seems to bury it temporarily only to come back stronger later on. It just makes me so depressed and I don't know how to deal with these feelings, not to mention the pressing sexual frustration (which of course I can handle on my own, but only presents a temporary fix). It makes it worse when I hear of other people my age having sex and being intimate with their partners. Even when I was exercising regularly, I still didn't find myself much more attractive or have more confidence. Partly this may be my erroneous perception of what's attractive from being barraged by the media, and I know too as a result of that I have high standards as far as looks go. I've tried dating sites like Match.com and OKCupid but I don't really get anywhere with anyone or manage to say something that turns them away. I just want to be a new person with confidence and a new body, and not feel embarrassed about being a 24-year-old virgin with scars from cutting on his legs. I just want a relationship with intimacy and that feels so far away, which makes me more depressed, and keeps my confidence low. I'm just so tired of feeling sorry for myself for something that's been mostly in my control for so long.
I don't suppose there's anything anyone could say to make me feel better about this, I just wanted to share. Back to distracting myself with sleep, internship, school and work. Let's hope it can work enough until I can move somewhere else and start a new job and start anew.
I can still smell the stripper's scent on me. When she was grinding on me, it reminded me of what I lack: intimacy. I'm bi, but I've never had sex with a man or woman and I'm 24. It's a point of personal embarrassment, although I've kind of got over it over the years. It's mostly due to the fact that part of my depression is anxiety, social anxiety and not taking as many risks. On top of that, I'm 70 pounds overweight and I do not really consider myself physically attractive. And despite what people try to tell me, I still believe physical good looks play the major component in whether people my age are attracted to someone or not. So because of that and what the depression does to me, I just don't have much confidence to approach a guy or girl I like for fear of likely rejection and know they're not going to be attracted to someone with poor confidence as people are attracted to confidence. And more than intimacy I want someone with whom to share my love and affection, but no one since my first and only girlfriend at 16 has let me get that close.
My therapist encourages me to distract myself when those thoughts come up, but it only seems to bury it temporarily only to come back stronger later on. It just makes me so depressed and I don't know how to deal with these feelings, not to mention the pressing sexual frustration (which of course I can handle on my own, but only presents a temporary fix). It makes it worse when I hear of other people my age having sex and being intimate with their partners. Even when I was exercising regularly, I still didn't find myself much more attractive or have more confidence. Partly this may be my erroneous perception of what's attractive from being barraged by the media, and I know too as a result of that I have high standards as far as looks go. I've tried dating sites like Match.com and OKCupid but I don't really get anywhere with anyone or manage to say something that turns them away. I just want to be a new person with confidence and a new body, and not feel embarrassed about being a 24-year-old virgin with scars from cutting on his legs. I just want a relationship with intimacy and that feels so far away, which makes me more depressed, and keeps my confidence low. I'm just so tired of feeling sorry for myself for something that's been mostly in my control for so long.
I don't suppose there's anything anyone could say to make me feel better about this, I just wanted to share. Back to distracting myself with sleep, internship, school and work. Let's hope it can work enough until I can move somewhere else and start a new job and start anew.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Brighton, England
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by ClayTheScribe 
I'm not sure if this is the right section of the forum to post this, but I figured it has a great deal to do with my mental health.
I can still smell the stripper's scent on me. When she was grinding on me, it reminded me of what I lack: intimacy. I'm bi, but I've never had sex with a man or woman and I'm 24. It's a point of personal embarrassment, although I've kind of got over it over the years. It's mostly due to the fact that part of my depression is anxiety, social anxiety and not taking as many risks. On top of that, I'm 70 pounds overweight and I do not really consider myself physically attractive. And despite what people try to tell me, I still believe physical good looks play the major component in whether people my age are attracted to someone or not. So because of that and what the depression does to me, I just don't have much confidence to approach a guy or girl I like for fear of likely rejection and know they're not going to be attracted to someone with poor confidence as people are attracted to confidence. And more than intimacy I want someone with whom to share my love and affection, but no one since my first and only girlfriend at 16 has let me get that close.
My therapist encourages me to distract myself when those thoughts come up, but it only seems to bury it temporarily only to come back stronger later on. It just makes me so depressed and I don't know how to deal with these feelings, not to mention the pressing sexual frustration (which of course I can handle on my own, but only presents a temporary fix). It makes it worse when I hear of other people my age having sex and being intimate with their partners. Even when I was exercising regularly, I still didn't find myself much more attractive or have more confidence. Partly this may be my erroneous perception of what's attractive from being barraged by the media, and I know too as a result of that I have high standards as far as looks go. I've tried dating sites like Match.com and OKCupid but I don't really get anywhere with anyone or manage to say something that turns them away. I just want to be a new person with confidence and a new body, and not feel embarrassed about being a 24-year-old virgin with scars from cutting on his legs. I just want a relationship with intimacy and that feels so far away, which makes me more depressed, and keeps my confidence low. I'm just so tired of feeling sorry for myself for something that's been mostly in my control for so long.
I don't suppose there's anything anyone could say to make me feel better about this, I just wanted to share. Back to distracting myself with sleep, internship, school and work. Let's hope it can work enough until I can move somewhere else and start a new job and start anew.
I can still smell the stripper's scent on me. When she was grinding on me, it reminded me of what I lack: intimacy. I'm bi, but I've never had sex with a man or woman and I'm 24. It's a point of personal embarrassment, although I've kind of got over it over the years. It's mostly due to the fact that part of my depression is anxiety, social anxiety and not taking as many risks. On top of that, I'm 70 pounds overweight and I do not really consider myself physically attractive. And despite what people try to tell me, I still believe physical good looks play the major component in whether people my age are attracted to someone or not. So because of that and what the depression does to me, I just don't have much confidence to approach a guy or girl I like for fear of likely rejection and know they're not going to be attracted to someone with poor confidence as people are attracted to confidence. And more than intimacy I want someone with whom to share my love and affection, but no one since my first and only girlfriend at 16 has let me get that close.
My therapist encourages me to distract myself when those thoughts come up, but it only seems to bury it temporarily only to come back stronger later on. It just makes me so depressed and I don't know how to deal with these feelings, not to mention the pressing sexual frustration (which of course I can handle on my own, but only presents a temporary fix). It makes it worse when I hear of other people my age having sex and being intimate with their partners. Even when I was exercising regularly, I still didn't find myself much more attractive or have more confidence. Partly this may be my erroneous perception of what's attractive from being barraged by the media, and I know too as a result of that I have high standards as far as looks go. I've tried dating sites like Match.com and OKCupid but I don't really get anywhere with anyone or manage to say something that turns them away. I just want to be a new person with confidence and a new body, and not feel embarrassed about being a 24-year-old virgin with scars from cutting on his legs. I just want a relationship with intimacy and that feels so far away, which makes me more depressed, and keeps my confidence low. I'm just so tired of feeling sorry for myself for something that's been mostly in my control for so long.
I don't suppose there's anything anyone could say to make me feel better about this, I just wanted to share. Back to distracting myself with sleep, internship, school and work. Let's hope it can work enough until I can move somewhere else and start a new job and start anew.
Hi Clay
you've been helping me so much recently with my problems that I thought i'd share with you.
I am generally hetrosexual and have had six different sexual partners that started from the age of 14. to be perfectly honest sex has never really 'worked' for me...I always seem to feel more lost and empty afterwards than I did before but that's just me...not trying to put you off.
I think if you have low confidence people tend to avoid you because they don't know what to say to you and since low self-esteem/confidence isn't something that just flutters away with the butterflys (unfortunately) we are stuck with it...until such a time that we can start to overcome it...although to be honest I think a portion of it will stay with us forever (not trying to be pessimistic it's just what i've observed from friends and family members who are older than me)
Have you tried meeting people with similar problems to yourself? I often find that I find it easier to communicate with people who have similar problems to myself because then I can identify with them and we can comfort each other in any times of need.
I think for people in our situations the answer is not to sleep around or anything (not that you would) but to find someone who we truly care about who, in turn really cares about us. Only then can intimacy be enjoyed.
This is just my opinion and seeing as I have given up hope of finding someone and I will be horrible to people I meet anyway I have no right to dictate your life!
Sorry for this seemingly long and pointless post :-S
But if there is anyway I could help you please let me know :ghug3
Aimee
it's a movie, you're the star
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 355
Clay,
I think what the poster above me said was spot on. In order for me to feel comfortable around other people, I have to have personal things in common with them. I would assume there to be some type of online accessible place for people who either have intimacy issues, voluntarily chose to remain virgins, or just haven't found the right person to talk and possibly even hang out and become friends exists.
Although I am not a virgin, and haven't been for a while now, over the past 8 or 9 months I stopped really putting myself out there to guys. I wanted to take time for myself without having to hook up with people and wake up feeling used or lonlier than before. I've always been a naturally monogomous person, which is challenging in a college setting. But, alas, even when I was in a "committed" relationship with a man, that commitment was hardly ever mutual or taken seriously, and it really burned my ability to trust and feel wanted in an intimate way.
Although I might be on the opposite end of you, I can relate to wanting a real intimate bond with someone. For now though, to avoid settling for strippers or other non-interpersonal sexual interactions, maybe try to focus on forming actual emotional bonds with other people. You'd be surprised how fantastic and rewarding relationships like that can be, be them friendships or love affairs. And take the physical aspect slowly, as you don't want to rush someone and you, yourself, should not be rushed. Sex is a big deal, despite what MTV and pop culture want us to believe
Stay safe,
Rach
I think what the poster above me said was spot on. In order for me to feel comfortable around other people, I have to have personal things in common with them. I would assume there to be some type of online accessible place for people who either have intimacy issues, voluntarily chose to remain virgins, or just haven't found the right person to talk and possibly even hang out and become friends exists.
Although I am not a virgin, and haven't been for a while now, over the past 8 or 9 months I stopped really putting myself out there to guys. I wanted to take time for myself without having to hook up with people and wake up feeling used or lonlier than before. I've always been a naturally monogomous person, which is challenging in a college setting. But, alas, even when I was in a "committed" relationship with a man, that commitment was hardly ever mutual or taken seriously, and it really burned my ability to trust and feel wanted in an intimate way.
Although I might be on the opposite end of you, I can relate to wanting a real intimate bond with someone. For now though, to avoid settling for strippers or other non-interpersonal sexual interactions, maybe try to focus on forming actual emotional bonds with other people. You'd be surprised how fantastic and rewarding relationships like that can be, be them friendships or love affairs. And take the physical aspect slowly, as you don't want to rush someone and you, yourself, should not be rushed. Sex is a big deal, despite what MTV and pop culture want us to believe
Stay safe,
Rach
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 664
Originally Posted by RockyGirl
Hi Clay
you've been helping me so much recently with my problems that I thought i'd share with you.
I am generally hetrosexual and have had six different sexual partners that started from the age of 14. to be perfectly honest sex has never really 'worked' for me...I always seem to feel more lost and empty afterwards than I did before but that's just me...not trying to put you off.
I think if you have low confidence people tend to avoid you because they don't know what to say to you and since low self-esteem/confidence isn't something that just flutters away with the butterflys (unfortunately) we are stuck with it...until such a time that we can start to overcome it...although to be honest I think a portion of it will stay with us forever (not trying to be pessimistic it's just what i've observed from friends and family members who are older than me)
you've been helping me so much recently with my problems that I thought i'd share with you.
I am generally hetrosexual and have had six different sexual partners that started from the age of 14. to be perfectly honest sex has never really 'worked' for me...I always seem to feel more lost and empty afterwards than I did before but that's just me...not trying to put you off.
I think if you have low confidence people tend to avoid you because they don't know what to say to you and since low self-esteem/confidence isn't something that just flutters away with the butterflys (unfortunately) we are stuck with it...until such a time that we can start to overcome it...although to be honest I think a portion of it will stay with us forever (not trying to be pessimistic it's just what i've observed from friends and family members who are older than me)
Have you tried meeting people with similar problems to yourself? I often find that I find it easier to communicate with people who have similar problems to myself because then I can identify with them and we can comfort each other in any times of need.
I think for people in our situations the answer is not to sleep around or anything (not that you would) but to find someone who we truly care about who, in turn really cares about us. Only then can intimacy be enjoyed.
This is just my opinion and seeing as I have given up hope of finding someone and I will be horrible to people I meet anyway I have no right to dictate your life!
Sorry for this seemingly long and pointless post :-S
But if there is anyway I could help you please let me know :ghug3
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Hello, Clay. 
I sent you a PM.
I'm in therapy in part for those issues, besides the alcohol thing, suicidal thoughts, etc.
Could you do therapy? It's nice to have someone to talk to who isn't judgmental...and who I can tell anything to. I'm working on building my confidence one block at a time. It's not easy...but what else am I going to do?
I sent you a PM.
I'm in therapy in part for those issues, besides the alcohol thing, suicidal thoughts, etc.
Could you do therapy? It's nice to have someone to talk to who isn't judgmental...and who I can tell anything to. I'm working on building my confidence one block at a time. It's not easy...but what else am I going to do?
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 664
Originally Posted by 123bubblegum123
Clay,
I think what the poster above me said was spot on. In order for me to feel comfortable around other people, I have to have personal things in common with them. I would assume there to be some type of online accessible place for people who either have intimacy issues, voluntarily chose to remain virgins, or just haven't found the right person to talk and possibly even hang out and become friends exists.
Although I am not a virgin, and haven't been for a while now, over the past 8 or 9 months I stopped really putting myself out there to guys. I wanted to take time for myself without having to hook up with people and wake up feeling used or lonlier than before. I've always been a naturally monogomous person, which is challenging in a college setting. But, alas, even when I was in a "committed" relationship with a man, that commitment was hardly ever mutual or taken seriously, and it really burned my ability to trust and feel wanted in an intimate way.
Although I might be on the opposite end of you, I can relate to wanting a real intimate bond with someone. For now though, to avoid settling for strippers or other non-interpersonal sexual interactions, maybe try to focus on forming actual emotional bonds with other people. You'd be surprised how fantastic and rewarding relationships like that can be, be them friendships or love affairs.
I think what the poster above me said was spot on. In order for me to feel comfortable around other people, I have to have personal things in common with them. I would assume there to be some type of online accessible place for people who either have intimacy issues, voluntarily chose to remain virgins, or just haven't found the right person to talk and possibly even hang out and become friends exists.
Although I am not a virgin, and haven't been for a while now, over the past 8 or 9 months I stopped really putting myself out there to guys. I wanted to take time for myself without having to hook up with people and wake up feeling used or lonlier than before. I've always been a naturally monogomous person, which is challenging in a college setting. But, alas, even when I was in a "committed" relationship with a man, that commitment was hardly ever mutual or taken seriously, and it really burned my ability to trust and feel wanted in an intimate way.
Although I might be on the opposite end of you, I can relate to wanting a real intimate bond with someone. For now though, to avoid settling for strippers or other non-interpersonal sexual interactions, maybe try to focus on forming actual emotional bonds with other people. You'd be surprised how fantastic and rewarding relationships like that can be, be them friendships or love affairs.
And take the physical aspect slowly, as you don't want to rush someone and you, yourself, should not be rushed. Sex is a big deal, despite what MTV and pop culture want us to believe
Thanks,
Clay
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Clay,
Are you religious/spiritual at all?
I ask because in a lot of church settings, it is not odd at all for you to be a male 24 year old virgin.
That is not that old.
Your looks are great, I can see that from your picture, so that is no excuse. Even with the extra weight. Which by the way is MUCH easier to deal with as a guy in social settings than a girl. And the scars? I know that they are painful and obvious to you but truly, you are a man with scars. Again, nothing odd or off putting about that.
And as far as sexual prowess goes, I am sure you will be great when the feelings are there with a woman.
Trust me. The effort you put out and desire to please is worth SOOOOO much more to a woman and is a MUCH bigger turn on to us than a guy with "skills". I am a 40 year old woman and had lots of sex in my 20's (before marriage). So looking back now...the men I REMEMBER are the men that worked to make sure I was happy and that Clay, takes a heart not experience. Seems to me you have a big heart, you will do just fine.
Okay, so back to how to find a woman you can talk to, be comfortable around and date, etc. Have you thought about church? That is my best advice. I have a girlfriend that is Mormon. She is very attractive, brilliant and fun but she is a 36 year old virgin! And now that she is settled with her career, etc., she wants a family. Now she has to start putting herself out there as datable. So, my point is, 24 is nothing! Stop being so hard on yourself. Start reaching out in healthy areas. Ever thought about taking some ballroom dance classes? It is a great ice breaker. Women LOVE a guy that can dance and you can get comfortable with the touching and intimacy aspect.
Anyway, I wish you luck!
Are you religious/spiritual at all?
I ask because in a lot of church settings, it is not odd at all for you to be a male 24 year old virgin.
That is not that old.
Your looks are great, I can see that from your picture, so that is no excuse. Even with the extra weight. Which by the way is MUCH easier to deal with as a guy in social settings than a girl. And the scars? I know that they are painful and obvious to you but truly, you are a man with scars. Again, nothing odd or off putting about that.
And as far as sexual prowess goes, I am sure you will be great when the feelings are there with a woman.
Trust me. The effort you put out and desire to please is worth SOOOOO much more to a woman and is a MUCH bigger turn on to us than a guy with "skills". I am a 40 year old woman and had lots of sex in my 20's (before marriage). So looking back now...the men I REMEMBER are the men that worked to make sure I was happy and that Clay, takes a heart not experience. Seems to me you have a big heart, you will do just fine. Okay, so back to how to find a woman you can talk to, be comfortable around and date, etc. Have you thought about church? That is my best advice. I have a girlfriend that is Mormon. She is very attractive, brilliant and fun but she is a 36 year old virgin! And now that she is settled with her career, etc., she wants a family. Now she has to start putting herself out there as datable. So, my point is, 24 is nothing! Stop being so hard on yourself. Start reaching out in healthy areas. Ever thought about taking some ballroom dance classes? It is a great ice breaker. Women LOVE a guy that can dance and you can get comfortable with the touching and intimacy aspect.
Anyway, I wish you luck!
member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Hi Clay
I don't think that being a virgin at 24 should be a cause of embarrassment. That's your choice, and I personally think it's a good one. Like you pointed out, sex isn't the same as intimacy.
This caught my eye:
I can't tell if you are describing your therapist's advice offhandedly, or if s/he actually encourages you to just "distract" yourself. You've mentioned many things that probably need a little attention, such as building esteem and managing interpersonal communication; these are skills that can be worked on. Challenging irrational beliefs could also be very helpful. I'm just naming a few items you could address by taking small steps that could make a big difference in your life; they certainly shouldn't be ignored if they're causing distress.
Keep us posted
I don't think that being a virgin at 24 should be a cause of embarrassment. That's your choice, and I personally think it's a good one. Like you pointed out, sex isn't the same as intimacy.
This caught my eye:
Originally Posted by ClayTheScribe
My therapist encourages me to distract myself when those thoughts come up, but it only seems to bury it temporarily only to come back stronger later on. It just makes me so depressed and I don't know how to deal with these feelings...
Keep us posted
To thine own self be true
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by 123bubblegum123
Clay,
I think what the poster above me said was spot on. In order for me to feel comfortable around other people, I have to have personal things in common with them. I would assume there to be some type of online accessible place for people who either have intimacy issues, voluntarily chose to remain virgins, or just haven't found the right person to talk and possibly even hang out and become friends exists.
Although I am not a virgin, and haven't been for a while now, over the past 8 or 9 months I stopped really putting myself out there to guys. I wanted to take time for myself without having to hook up with people and wake up feeling used or lonlier than before. I've always been a naturally monogomous person, which is challenging in a college setting. But, alas, even when I was in a "committed" relationship with a man, that commitment was hardly ever mutual or taken seriously, and it really burned my ability to trust and feel wanted in an intimate way.
Although I might be on the opposite end of you, I can relate to wanting a real intimate bond with someone. For now though, to avoid settling for strippers or other non-interpersonal sexual interactions, maybe try to focus on forming actual emotional bonds with other people. You'd be surprised how fantastic and rewarding relationships like that can be, be them friendships or love affairs. And take the physical aspect slowly, as you don't want to rush someone and you, yourself, should not be rushed. Sex is a big deal, despite what MTV and pop culture want us to believe
Stay safe,
Rach
I think what the poster above me said was spot on. In order for me to feel comfortable around other people, I have to have personal things in common with them. I would assume there to be some type of online accessible place for people who either have intimacy issues, voluntarily chose to remain virgins, or just haven't found the right person to talk and possibly even hang out and become friends exists.
Although I am not a virgin, and haven't been for a while now, over the past 8 or 9 months I stopped really putting myself out there to guys. I wanted to take time for myself without having to hook up with people and wake up feeling used or lonlier than before. I've always been a naturally monogomous person, which is challenging in a college setting. But, alas, even when I was in a "committed" relationship with a man, that commitment was hardly ever mutual or taken seriously, and it really burned my ability to trust and feel wanted in an intimate way.
Although I might be on the opposite end of you, I can relate to wanting a real intimate bond with someone. For now though, to avoid settling for strippers or other non-interpersonal sexual interactions, maybe try to focus on forming actual emotional bonds with other people. You'd be surprised how fantastic and rewarding relationships like that can be, be them friendships or love affairs. And take the physical aspect slowly, as you don't want to rush someone and you, yourself, should not be rushed. Sex is a big deal, despite what MTV and pop culture want us to believe
Stay safe,
Rach
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 664
Originally Posted by TTOSBT
Clay,
Are you religious/spiritual at all?
I ask because in a lot of church settings, it is not odd at all for you to be a male 24 year old virgin.
That is not that old.
Are you religious/spiritual at all?
I ask because in a lot of church settings, it is not odd at all for you to be a male 24 year old virgin.
That is not that old.
Your looks are great, I can see that from your picture, so that is no excuse. Even with the extra weight. Which by the way is MUCH easier to deal with as a guy in social settings than a girl.
And the scars? I know that they are painful and obvious to you but truly, you are a man with scars. Again, nothing odd or off putting about that.
And as far as sexual prowess goes, I am sure you will be great when the feelings are there with a woman. Trust me. The effort you put out and desire to please is worth SOOOOO much more to a woman and is a MUCH bigger turn on to us than a guy with "skills". I am a 40 year old woman and had lots of sex in my 20's (before marriage). So looking back now...the men I REMEMBER are the men that worked to make sure I was happy and that Clay, takes a heart not experience. Seems to me you have a big heart, you will do just fine.
Trust me. The effort you put out and desire to please is worth SOOOOO much more to a woman and is a MUCH bigger turn on to us than a guy with "skills". I am a 40 year old woman and had lots of sex in my 20's (before marriage). So looking back now...the men I REMEMBER are the men that worked to make sure I was happy and that Clay, takes a heart not experience. Seems to me you have a big heart, you will do just fine.
Okay, so back to how to find a woman you can talk to, be comfortable around and date, etc. Have you thought about church? That is my best advice. I have a girlfriend that is Mormon. She is very attractive, brilliant and fun but she is a 36 year old virgin! And now that she is settled with her career, etc., she wants a family. Now she has to start putting herself out there as datable. So, my point is, 24 is nothing! Stop being so hard on yourself. Start reaching out in healthy areas. Ever thought about taking some ballroom dance classes? It is a great ice breaker. Women LOVE a guy that can dance and you can get comfortable with the touching and intimacy aspect.
Thanks for the helpful post,
Clay
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 664
Originally Posted by mattcake79
Hi Clay
I don't think that being a virgin at 24 should be a cause of embarrassment. That's your choice, and I personally think it's a good one. Like you pointed out, sex isn't the same as intimacy.
I don't think that being a virgin at 24 should be a cause of embarrassment. That's your choice, and I personally think it's a good one. Like you pointed out, sex isn't the same as intimacy.
It's not by choice, it's by default. I just can't attract a person who wants to have sex with me, or if I do I screw it up somehow. I don't think it's a good choice anyway if the sexual frustration is driving you crazy nearly everyday as it is with me. At this point I don't care if it's sex or intimacy, I'd take anything, which makes me desperate and which is a turnoff.
This caught my eye:
I can't tell if you are describing your therapist's advice offhandedly, or if s/he actually encourages you to just "distract" yourself. You've mentioned many things that probably need a little attention, such as building esteem and managing interpersonal communication; these are skills that can be worked on. Challenging irrational beliefs could also be very helpful. I'm just naming a few items you could address by taking small steps that could make a big difference in your life; they certainly shouldn't be ignored if they're causing distress.
Keep us posted
I know I can get to where I need to be, I'm just losing patience.
I appreciate all the advice, but I feel like Bamboozle is the only one who knows exactly what I'm going through.
Thanks,
Clay
Last edited by ClayTheScribe; 06-25-2009 at 07:10 PM.
13 May 2009
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 83
Hi Clay
So sorry that you are so frustrated, if it makes you feel any better I think that we all have areas of our lives that we find difficult, sometimes in personal relationships I find it impossible, almost like people are speaking chinese and I really just don't get it, I cannot drive a car b/c I can't trust myself, it drives me demented (and everyone else). Hang in there with your treatment and if its not working really consider getting someone who will work with you on these issues, b/c they are causing you obvious stress and unhappiness. Take care Clay!
So sorry that you are so frustrated, if it makes you feel any better I think that we all have areas of our lives that we find difficult, sometimes in personal relationships I find it impossible, almost like people are speaking chinese and I really just don't get it, I cannot drive a car b/c I can't trust myself, it drives me demented (and everyone else). Hang in there with your treatment and if its not working really consider getting someone who will work with you on these issues, b/c they are causing you obvious stress and unhappiness. Take care Clay!
9/15/08
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: midwest
Posts: 257
Wow, a 24 yo virgin...thats definitely something to viewed as a unique strength.
@ Clay
It's more primal urges I'm having trouble dealing with more than thoughts.
You may want to consider a therapist with a psychodynamic orientation, as opposed to the CBT school of thought. CBT is very solution-focused, short-term and relatively superficial in comparison.
I know you said there wasn't much luck with the online dating thing, but Ive been using match.com for several years now and have dated 20+ women from there...only one of which was not exactly what she claimed to be. One of them I was in a relationship with for almost five years.
I used to think the same way you did before I tried it...I guess all I'm saying is, there is hope.
As a journalist you possess writing skills that will enable you to 'woo' others that find those skills attractive in a man. After all, communication skills are the foundation of any good relationship!
@ Clay
It's more primal urges I'm having trouble dealing with more than thoughts.
You may want to consider a therapist with a psychodynamic orientation, as opposed to the CBT school of thought. CBT is very solution-focused, short-term and relatively superficial in comparison.
I know you said there wasn't much luck with the online dating thing, but Ive been using match.com for several years now and have dated 20+ women from there...only one of which was not exactly what she claimed to be. One of them I was in a relationship with for almost five years.
I used to think the same way you did before I tried it...I guess all I'm saying is, there is hope.
As a journalist you possess writing skills that will enable you to 'woo' others that find those skills attractive in a man. After all, communication skills are the foundation of any good relationship!
Last edited by Overman; 07-01-2009 at 02:48 AM. Reason: corrected for gender neutrality w/ respect to original poster's stated sexual orientation
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: New Orleans, LA/Charlotte, NC
Posts: 78
I'll be honest, though I deal with the whole feelings of lacking intimacy, etc. I'm 1. a female, 2. not a virgin, 3. well, I have had "relationships" (read: slept with) with both men and women, so I guess I have that going for me...haha...anyway, the point is, I'm not really in any position to give you any earthshattering spectacular advice. So I won't. But, I wanted you to know that people here care and want to support you and I hope you get the confidence/strength/whatever it is you need/want. You deserve to be happy, and I hope you get happiness in this area of your life. And, I'm sending lots of good energy and thoughts your way!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 664
Originally Posted by Overman
Wow, a 24 yo virgin...thats definitely something to viewed as a unique strength.
@ Clay
It's more primal urges I'm having trouble dealing with more than thoughts.
You may want to consider a therapist with a psychodynamic orientation, as opposed to the CBT school of thought. CBT is very solution-focused, short-term and relatively superficial in comparison.
It's more primal urges I'm having trouble dealing with more than thoughts.
You may want to consider a therapist with a psychodynamic orientation, as opposed to the CBT school of thought. CBT is very solution-focused, short-term and relatively superficial in comparison.
I know you said there wasn't much luck with the online dating thing, but Ive been using match.com for several years now and have dated 20+ women from there...only one of which was not exactly what she claimed to be. One of them I was in a relationship with for almost five years.
I used to think the same way you did before I tried it...I guess all I'm saying is, there is hope.
As a journalist you possess writing skills that will enable you to 'woo' others that find those skills attractive in a man. After all, communication skills are the foundation of any good relationship!
As a journalist you possess writing skills that will enable you to 'woo' others that find those skills attractive in a man. After all, communication skills are the foundation of any good relationship!
Hope is becoming a luxury too painful to afford.
Sorry I'm in such a ****** mood today y'all, I'm just having a lot of stress. I'm just tired of being so ******* pitiful, it makes me hate myself more.
9/15/08
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: midwest
Posts: 257
@ Clay
I have no sexual experience, therefore I'm automatically less desirable to a partner...
Not necessarily...
...and it kind of says something negative about my personality if I can't manage to even get laid yet
What 'negative' things does it say...and who is assigning those negative labels to you? Yourself or society? I know its easier said than done, and I hate to sound like a cliche, but don't let social norms dictate your own self-esteem.
I'll consider it, but how would I even find a psychodynamic therapist when most of them are CBT? And I don't know how much of this has to do with my unconscious as my conscious
Just ask the therapist what model they use before scheduling an appt with them. Or simply look for a 'psychoanalyst'...someone with specialized training in psychodynamic theory and methodology. You are right, CBT is the 'gold standard' of treatment, and most therapists are trained to do it. Unfortunately, it has its limits, as all treatment modalities do.
The reason I thought a psychodynamic approach would be helpful is because you mentioned "primal urges"...CBT won't address those, but rather the thoughts that are a result of said urges.
I don't suspect I'd have much success anyway 'cause of my ****** attitude I can't seem to change. And you've probably had so many dates because you're confident, believe in yourself and are good-looking. Makes a difference.
No, I'm just an average-looking guy that happened to write a decent profile. I had zero confidence in the process at first, and only did it because I was full of liquid courage and was sick and tired of being alone.
My first time on there I sent out like 24 emails (not 'winks') to different women I found attractive...some just from their profile descriptions and not their pics. I would make an offhand comment about something that caught my eye in their profile, or a joke about one of their pics. I received about five or six responses, and half of those turned into actual dates.
It sucks because you have to sell yourself in a sense, which includes projecting positivity and confidence (people tend to be attracted to that). I wasn't the greatest person at doing that, because I literally had to fake it at first. However, my confidence grew as I made more connections and realized it was easier than I originally thought. I think you could do a great job as well, given your writing skills.
I'm sorry you're in such a crap mood. It's difficult to break the cycle sometimes. Take care man.
I have no sexual experience, therefore I'm automatically less desirable to a partner...
Not necessarily...
...and it kind of says something negative about my personality if I can't manage to even get laid yet
What 'negative' things does it say...and who is assigning those negative labels to you? Yourself or society? I know its easier said than done, and I hate to sound like a cliche, but don't let social norms dictate your own self-esteem.
I'll consider it, but how would I even find a psychodynamic therapist when most of them are CBT? And I don't know how much of this has to do with my unconscious as my conscious
Just ask the therapist what model they use before scheduling an appt with them. Or simply look for a 'psychoanalyst'...someone with specialized training in psychodynamic theory and methodology. You are right, CBT is the 'gold standard' of treatment, and most therapists are trained to do it. Unfortunately, it has its limits, as all treatment modalities do.
The reason I thought a psychodynamic approach would be helpful is because you mentioned "primal urges"...CBT won't address those, but rather the thoughts that are a result of said urges.
I don't suspect I'd have much success anyway 'cause of my ****** attitude I can't seem to change. And you've probably had so many dates because you're confident, believe in yourself and are good-looking. Makes a difference.
No, I'm just an average-looking guy that happened to write a decent profile. I had zero confidence in the process at first, and only did it because I was full of liquid courage and was sick and tired of being alone.
My first time on there I sent out like 24 emails (not 'winks') to different women I found attractive...some just from their profile descriptions and not their pics. I would make an offhand comment about something that caught my eye in their profile, or a joke about one of their pics. I received about five or six responses, and half of those turned into actual dates.
It sucks because you have to sell yourself in a sense, which includes projecting positivity and confidence (people tend to be attracted to that). I wasn't the greatest person at doing that, because I literally had to fake it at first. However, my confidence grew as I made more connections and realized it was easier than I originally thought. I think you could do a great job as well, given your writing skills.
I'm sorry you're in such a crap mood. It's difficult to break the cycle sometimes. Take care man.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Never, Never land
Posts: 2,851
Clay,
I a not just saying this for your benefit, but you REALLY are a good looking guy. And I think in todays society everyone is aware that Americans in general are overweight. I myself am 85 pounds overweight. I am married of course, but I also have trouble with intimacy, not for the same reasons as you, but the exact opposite.
for years in my addiction, I was a homeless, prostitute. I've literally had sex with hundreds of men, maybe more. That is where my PTSD comes in.
Have you ever heard of a group called "sex and love addicts anonymous". They are a 12 step program for people who have all types of sexual issues, from inability to experience intimacy, to being addicted to sex, to being afraid of sex. You might also consider seeing a sex therapist, one that deals with different areas of sexual problems. They could also help you with your self esteem issues.
Just out of curiosity, if you've never had sex, how do you know you are bisexual? (you can answer that in a PM if you wish)
I know many heterosexuals who are attracted to members of the same sex, but would not consider having sex with them. or if they have tried having sex with the same gender, they didn't feel comfortable. Some people just appreciate the beauty of the human body in general.
I hope with alll the good input you've recieved in this thread, that you will take some of the suggestions and you will get help.
Laurie.
I a not just saying this for your benefit, but you REALLY are a good looking guy. And I think in todays society everyone is aware that Americans in general are overweight. I myself am 85 pounds overweight. I am married of course, but I also have trouble with intimacy, not for the same reasons as you, but the exact opposite.
for years in my addiction, I was a homeless, prostitute. I've literally had sex with hundreds of men, maybe more. That is where my PTSD comes in.
Have you ever heard of a group called "sex and love addicts anonymous". They are a 12 step program for people who have all types of sexual issues, from inability to experience intimacy, to being addicted to sex, to being afraid of sex. You might also consider seeing a sex therapist, one that deals with different areas of sexual problems. They could also help you with your self esteem issues.
Just out of curiosity, if you've never had sex, how do you know you are bisexual? (you can answer that in a PM if you wish)
I know many heterosexuals who are attracted to members of the same sex, but would not consider having sex with them. or if they have tried having sex with the same gender, they didn't feel comfortable. Some people just appreciate the beauty of the human body in general.
I hope with alll the good input you've recieved in this thread, that you will take some of the suggestions and you will get help.
Laurie.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 664
Originally Posted by namommy
Clay,
I a not just saying this for your benefit, but you REALLY are a good looking guy. And I think in todays society everyone is aware that Americans in general are overweight. I myself am 85 pounds overweight. I am married of course, but I also have trouble with intimacy, not for the same reasons as you, but the exact opposite.
for years in my addiction, I was a homeless, prostitute. I've literally had sex with hundreds of men, maybe more. That is where my PTSD comes in.
I a not just saying this for your benefit, but you REALLY are a good looking guy. And I think in todays society everyone is aware that Americans in general are overweight. I myself am 85 pounds overweight. I am married of course, but I also have trouble with intimacy, not for the same reasons as you, but the exact opposite.
for years in my addiction, I was a homeless, prostitute. I've literally had sex with hundreds of men, maybe more. That is where my PTSD comes in.
Have you ever heard of a group called "sex and love addicts anonymous". They are a 12 step program for people who have all types of sexual issues, from inability to experience intimacy, to being addicted to sex, to being afraid of sex. You might also consider seeing a sex therapist, one that deals with different areas of sexual problems. They could also help you with your self esteem issues.
Just out of curiosity, if you've never had sex, how do you know you are bisexual? (you can answer that in a PM if you wish)
I know many heterosexuals who are attracted to members of the same sex, but would not consider having sex with them. or if they have tried having sex with the same gender, they didn't feel comfortable. Some people just appreciate the beauty of the human body in general.
I hope with alll the good input you've recieved in this thread, that you will take some of the suggestions and you will get help.
Laurie.
Laurie.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 664
Originally Posted by Overman
@ Clay
I have no sexual experience, therefore I'm automatically less desirable to a partner...
Not necessarily...
...and it kind of says something negative about my personality if I can't manage to even get laid yet
What 'negative' things does it say...and who is assigning those negative labels to you? Yourself or society? I know its easier said than done, and I hate to sound like a cliche, but don't let social norms dictate your own self-esteem.
I'll consider it, but how would I even find a psychodynamic therapist when most of them are CBT? And I don't know how much of this has to do with my unconscious as my conscious
Just ask the therapist what model they use before scheduling an appt with them. Or simply look for a 'psychoanalyst'...someone with specialized training in psychodynamic theory and methodology. You are right, CBT is the 'gold standard' of treatment, and most therapists are trained to do it. Unfortunately, it has its limits, as all treatment modalities do.
The reason I thought a psychodynamic approach would be helpful is because you mentioned "primal urges"...CBT won't address those, but rather the thoughts that are a result of said urges.
I don't suspect I'd have much success anyway 'cause of my ****** attitude I can't seem to change. And you've probably had so many dates because you're confident, believe in yourself and are good-looking. Makes a difference.
No, I'm just an average-looking guy that happened to write a decent profile. I had zero confidence in the process at first, and only did it because I was full of liquid courage and was sick and tired of being alone.
My first time on there I sent out like 24 emails (not 'winks') to different women I found attractive...some just from their profile descriptions and not their pics. I would make an offhand comment about something that caught my eye in their profile, or a joke about one of their pics. I received about five or six responses, and half of those turned into actual dates.
It sucks because you have to sell yourself in a sense, which includes projecting positivity and confidence (people tend to be attracted to that). I wasn't the greatest person at doing that, because I literally had to fake it at first. However, my confidence grew as I made more connections and realized it was easier than I originally thought. I think you could do a great job as well, given your writing skills.
I'm sorry you're in such a crap mood. It's difficult to break the cycle sometimes. Take care man.
I have no sexual experience, therefore I'm automatically less desirable to a partner...
Not necessarily...
...and it kind of says something negative about my personality if I can't manage to even get laid yet
What 'negative' things does it say...and who is assigning those negative labels to you? Yourself or society? I know its easier said than done, and I hate to sound like a cliche, but don't let social norms dictate your own self-esteem.
I'll consider it, but how would I even find a psychodynamic therapist when most of them are CBT? And I don't know how much of this has to do with my unconscious as my conscious
Just ask the therapist what model they use before scheduling an appt with them. Or simply look for a 'psychoanalyst'...someone with specialized training in psychodynamic theory and methodology. You are right, CBT is the 'gold standard' of treatment, and most therapists are trained to do it. Unfortunately, it has its limits, as all treatment modalities do.
The reason I thought a psychodynamic approach would be helpful is because you mentioned "primal urges"...CBT won't address those, but rather the thoughts that are a result of said urges.
I don't suspect I'd have much success anyway 'cause of my ****** attitude I can't seem to change. And you've probably had so many dates because you're confident, believe in yourself and are good-looking. Makes a difference.
No, I'm just an average-looking guy that happened to write a decent profile. I had zero confidence in the process at first, and only did it because I was full of liquid courage and was sick and tired of being alone.
My first time on there I sent out like 24 emails (not 'winks') to different women I found attractive...some just from their profile descriptions and not their pics. I would make an offhand comment about something that caught my eye in their profile, or a joke about one of their pics. I received about five or six responses, and half of those turned into actual dates.
It sucks because you have to sell yourself in a sense, which includes projecting positivity and confidence (people tend to be attracted to that). I wasn't the greatest person at doing that, because I literally had to fake it at first. However, my confidence grew as I made more connections and realized it was easier than I originally thought. I think you could do a great job as well, given your writing skills.
I'm sorry you're in such a crap mood. It's difficult to break the cycle sometimes. Take care man.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Never, Never land
Posts: 2,851
[QUOTE=ClayTheScribe;2282953]
I gotta tell you this question irritates and annoys me as it's the second time it's been asked. Did you have to have sex to know you were heterosexual? I'm sorry if that was the case as you must have been majorly confused. I've kissed both men and women and liked both. I have sexual urges toward both men and women, I want to have sex with both men and women. I want intimate relationships with both men and women. I've had sexual fantasies about both males and females since I was 9. Have been confused early on and was in denial about feelings toward men, but not anymore. I know who I am. Either you're just terribly naive about sexual orientation and GLBT people or you have a problem with me being bisexual, because your question is silly. If someone asks this again, I am not going to respond. Would you ask the obviously gay 17-year-old boy who's scared as **** in the closet: Well how do you know if you've never been with a man. No. Case closed.
/QUOTE]
These questions weren't meant to irritate or annoy you, and no I am not naive about GLBT because I myself am bisexual, but I am married and also believe in monogamy. For me, I wasn't sure if I was bi or just appreciating the beauty of the human body until I actually had sex with a female. The line of questioning was posed just to help you think of some questions and dig deeper into yourself to see if there is more than just the weight issue bothering you. Not meant to offend.
And, you don't have to believe in God to attend 12 step meetings. I know many athiests who attend NA and AA. Just like overeaters anonymous also addresses anorexia and bulemia, SLAA address a full spectrum of sexual issues. That is why I suggested them.
WE are all here to give suggestions and try to help one another, not make each other angry or annoyed. Sometimes someone may raise a question that you may not agree with, or one that hits a bad nerve, but it is no reason to get angry at the person.
Just trying to help you with an issue that is obviously bothering you and important to you or you wouldn't have posted for replies. Try to keep an open mind.
Laurie
I gotta tell you this question irritates and annoys me as it's the second time it's been asked. Did you have to have sex to know you were heterosexual? I'm sorry if that was the case as you must have been majorly confused. I've kissed both men and women and liked both. I have sexual urges toward both men and women, I want to have sex with both men and women. I want intimate relationships with both men and women. I've had sexual fantasies about both males and females since I was 9. Have been confused early on and was in denial about feelings toward men, but not anymore. I know who I am. Either you're just terribly naive about sexual orientation and GLBT people or you have a problem with me being bisexual, because your question is silly. If someone asks this again, I am not going to respond. Would you ask the obviously gay 17-year-old boy who's scared as **** in the closet: Well how do you know if you've never been with a man. No. Case closed.
/QUOTE]
These questions weren't meant to irritate or annoy you, and no I am not naive about GLBT because I myself am bisexual, but I am married and also believe in monogamy. For me, I wasn't sure if I was bi or just appreciating the beauty of the human body until I actually had sex with a female. The line of questioning was posed just to help you think of some questions and dig deeper into yourself to see if there is more than just the weight issue bothering you. Not meant to offend.
And, you don't have to believe in God to attend 12 step meetings. I know many athiests who attend NA and AA. Just like overeaters anonymous also addresses anorexia and bulemia, SLAA address a full spectrum of sexual issues. That is why I suggested them.
WE are all here to give suggestions and try to help one another, not make each other angry or annoyed. Sometimes someone may raise a question that you may not agree with, or one that hits a bad nerve, but it is no reason to get angry at the person.
Just trying to help you with an issue that is obviously bothering you and important to you or you wouldn't have posted for replies. Try to keep an open mind.
Laurie
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