Bamboozle

I feel like sh!t.


Nothing changes...and I cannot change who I am.


Alcohol was never the problem...I only used it to dull the pain.

All the problems I had before are still with me.

I've never liked who I am...I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't fit in anywhere. I'm an outcast. And a loner. I'm the kind of loner who admits that the reason I am a loner is not because I really enjoy being alone, but because I don't know how to interact with people.

I'm awkward. I always have been. I don't like the sound of my voice. I don't like the way that I walk. I don't like the way that I look. I feel like the pieces that make me up don't fit together. Maybe I should have been born male. Even if I had I probably still wouldn't fit in anywhere. I don't know what to do. And I cannot possibly sugar-coat things. I was never good at lying to myself.


So this leaves me miserable.

I don't like life.

I don't like my life.

I don't have the tools in the box to fix this.

I'm not sure the tools exist to fix what's wrong.


Again, for the umpteenth time, what the f*ck is the point?

How long must this go on?


There's no mystery to life. There's no excitement anymore. There's noting to look forward to.


Yet again, I'm only going through the motions of getting help because everyone thinks I should. Everyone else thinks I shouldn't give up.


Perhaps I'm just mentally wired to be this way and that's why there is no relief.

Dee74

I have no answers Bam.
I like you just as you are tho - I can't be the only one either

and /dad mode/ please watch this

I thought that too...but years of self medication turned me into an alcoholic whether I liked it or not.
Even tho a lot of things I started drinking over as a young man are now gone, my alcoholism remains. /end dad mode/

Not saying cos I'm like that, you are...but be careful, hey?

D

lunarise

Bam~

HUGE :ghug3

Im sorry you are feeling bad. I too have had some similar feelings. I know its gut wrenching. Are you seeing a counselor or anything? It helps me alot...but I know its not for some people.

PM me anytime.....

yankees24

I've been where you are before, feeling helpless, and worth no more than the pile of **** you step in that ruins your already uneventful day...Just realize that life has no meaning other than just evolving in my opinion...If we are fourtunate enough to find that which inspires us to live we are very lucky...Try not to be so hard on yourself, i know its easier said than done, but just stay sober, stay focused on what you want to accomplish and make a small step towards getting there everyday, i wish you the best of luck on your path..

Done_With_It

Have you ever tried going to therapy? I know that is probably an irritating question.
It has taken me years of therapy to get to a place where I am now. I didn't think
I would ever get to where I am now, I used to hate myself more than anything and
never understood why. But have finally gotten to a point where I am more comfortable
with myself than I ever have been. I actually really like the person I am today and
wake up every morning ready to take on the world.

I just say that because I feel like if I can do it anyone can.
I've gone from feeling like damaged goods to knowing exactly who
I am and liking her.
Don't ever give up on yourself.

Maybe you just need help finding the right tools to fix what is wrong?

Part of my problem was I worried about fixing
and helping everyone else before me.

Go easy on yourself, and don't fool yourself into taking a drink.

yankees24

P.S. Just cause you dont care for the way you appear to others does not mean you are unattractive. Its all about personal opinion and in mine, looks are only temporary, its whats inside that matter most, remember that.

Sweets79

Hi,

I don't know where to start really. I'd just like to say I understand how you feel, if that means anything. It's true, alcohol wasn't really the problem. For me, it was the underlying reasons within me and the people I chose to have in my life. I only have 7 weeks under my belt, and it's no picnic, let me tell you. I am struggling each day. I feel like there isn't any excitement and not much to look forward too. What keeps me going is I get a minute or two here and there where I feel positive, and things are going to improve, but then it slips away from me. I try to remember what that moment feels like, and I think that's what keeps me going, if that makes any sense.

It sounds like you have alot of self-esteem issues which I have aswell. I am trying to work on that now. I'm going to the gym and eating right. Believe me, it's a big change. I went from laying on the couch drinking, feeling sorry for myself to getting up every day and working out. I still think of all the things that bother me, but I can't drink now. I am trying to learn to deal with my emotions in different ways, because I've learned time and time again, drinking doesn't help anything.

Try to start somewhere. Think about seeing a therapist, or maybe even reading a self-help book. I know that doesn't sound too exciting, but you might get some good advice. Believe me, I am not crazy about my life right now either, but I am just having some faith that once I get myself in order, things will fall into place. I know what you're saying about going through the motions. I feel that way alot. Just remember, drinking doesn't make anything better. It just hides reality for a short time, but the next day, reality kicks you in the a** ten times harder.

Bamboozle

I'm seeing a therapist. I want to stop going. I feel like I'm wasting my money.

My therapist is easy to talk to...but I've realized things about me lately that I know are never going to change. I cannot change my perspective. I just don't like me.


I'm so lonely. I don't have anyone to talk to around here (where I live). I don't have anymore friends. They're all gone.

I see people every day together with others and glued to their phones. I see people who aren't alone. I'm reminded constantly of what I am not. I'd give anything for a new body, a new mind, and a new start on life from the beginning. I want to be someone else. Who I am is a mistake.


What a joke. The odds of me ever coming into existence are so astronomically small it's really difficult for me to believe I'm actually here. I don't see it as a good thing. I'm not lucky...I'm merely out for a ride in the sh\tmobile until it runs out of gas.


Work, home, eat, computer, sleep. Repeat. What a life.


I don't know what to care about anymore. Even the picture taking isn't working like it was. It's not enough. It's a poor substitute for what I need.

I can't do this much longer.

Jules62

Hi Bam,

I really feel for you.I used to get so annoyed when people would tell me 'sobriey rocks!' and all the accompanying 'cheerleading' when frankly, I just felt like sh*t too.

I am not sure what age you are-but I spent much of my teenage years and early 20's feeling on the outer.No matter what I did, I just didn't fit in.I remember one night after going to some horrible social event organised by ex school friends(and being awkward the entire time just wishing it was fkn OVER and only 30 minutes had gone by) coming home and thinking it's like everyone else on earth is a member of some secret club I never got the password to.

It's a very lonely place to be-sober or drunk, but I promise you drinking doesn't make it more bearable or better, much as I'd hoped it might.

I don't know you overly well-but I do notice your posts and I think you are a very tender, creative soul who is still finding your feet and I just don't want you to give up even if you do.I want you to know there's someone(and many others besides me) who like you and think you're worth it.

You are not hopeless and you have gifts you're not even aware of.Your photography is incredible btw and I think you should be submitting your pics to magazines.But that aside-I know for me it took therapy for over a year to start addressing my self esteem/social issues and I know you're doing some of that now too which is great.It wasn't till my late 30's that I really had a sense of who I am and I found amazingly that it honestly didn't matter to me anymore if I didn't 'fit' with what the world expected of me.I found my own talents and people who were kindred spirits and we all 'unfit' together.You will find your group too.

I do believe these feelings you're having will pass, but I also appreciate how hard it is to walk through them.Just know you're not alone and it can get better.



Jules xox

Believe808

For me there is such a tool and that is to help another alcoholic/addict. I am going through a lot of stuff right now, yes it has been worse in sobriety than when I was out there. But in helping another alcoholic/addict I don't have the time to dwell on myself. When I help another and do it unconditionally that is when I have good thoughts about myself.

Believe808

Oh and I'd like to add that you have more talents than I do, your pictures on photo thread are breathtaking, I wish I were capable of even half of them. Your posts have helped both me and I'm sure many others. You post its " work, home, eat, computer, sleep".
Well here's mine, No work (can't find a job), pray that husband will send a check this week (he's 4 weeks behind), computer, AA meeting, food shopping so I can feed my kids, computer, laundry, mow the lawn, computer, clean the house, AA meeting, cook dinner, eat, computer, bed.

Bamboozle

People, thank you all. It's so hard for me to convey my gratitude right now, but I really needed this support tonight.


I just smoked a cigarette (I know, I need to quit) and decided (again) that I need to be nice to myself.

I employ self-depreciating humor all the time…whether I’m at work or home…etc. It's good for a few quick laughs...but I'm not contributing anything positive to my image by doing that. I have to find other ways to get people to laugh. That’s going to be tough. There goes most of my act.

I’m trying.

Maybe I’ll have more to say tomorrow. I’m going to sleep soon. I hope this mood passes quickly.

Done_With_It

If you are into photography what about getting more into that?
Finding clubs, or taking classes, there is a great book called,
The Artists Way, have you ever heard of it? you may want to
look into it.

I dunno, just things that have helped me get out of my head.

Hang in there.. Sorry I know that doesn't help much.

sfgirl

I keep reading your posts and they sort of break my heart. I try and think of things to say but I am not sure what could really help. The one thing that I think is of utmost importance to remember in these types of situations, when you are feeling down and such, is that it will pass. I know that when feelings come on they can seem overwhelming and permanent like they have been there forever and they will be there forever but the reality is that feelings pass. They do. They always do. You just have to wait them out. The thing about sobriety, especially early sobriety, is that you usually have to wade through a lot of crappy feelings that you have been numbing out. I read somewhere and you might be rolling your eyes at this point (I probably would be) that you have to really feel the sadness to then be able to feel true happiness.

Then there is the issue of the underlying, never-going away void, no matter how you feel, happy, sad, content, discontent, that you seem to experience which I think all of us probably have had as addicts. That is something that I think diminishes overtime if you get on board with a program of recovery. Now I am not saying go to AA and do the 12 steps, I didn't do that, but something to integrate yourself, to spiritually center yourself, to make yourself love yourself again. Maybe this means getting a different therapist, although you feel comfortable with your therapist which is half the battle, maybe you just need to be more open with her, and really let down your guard. Meditation might help. I just started going to Buddhist meditation for recovery things recently and I fully enjoy it. But it could also be a fully secular program of recovery of your own design. I don't know what it will look like but you will know when you are on it. Just keep at sobriety. It will come, I have faith in that.

I mean honestly I am 8 months sober right now and I don't feel so hot this week. But I too am having to remind myself that I won't feel that way forever, it is so easy to get caught in that trap. A couple bad days and it feels like a lifetime. Luckily, it can happen conversely, when things are going well. They are going awesome and I won't remember this week. The longer I am sober, the more good times and the less depressive but I have had to wade through a lot of crappy feelings. Therapy has helped immensely. Sober therapy is probably 100x more effective than therapy while using. Just keep at it. And remember it will pass.

Also. Do you know about JPG Magazine: Your World in Pictures

mxchaos

I agree sober sucks. It means facing all the things I was numbing myself for I now must face. I've felt like a freak (that's what I call myself) since I was little. I've been working with my tdoc for years on it and can even say that I'm not as bad as I thought. Although those thoughts creep back in now and then, a good kick in mu butt from tdoc and I'm moving forward again.

It's a hard fight but you can change some of the things you don't like about yourself not easy at all but just trying to do things and putting yourself out there will help.

Please stop picking on yourself and listening to those nasty thoughts.

firestorm090

Hi Bam,

Sorry to hear you're feeling down and out, we've all been there and can relate to what you've described so well. I know I have frequented the same street you are on many times, even recently and I relapsed because of it. I developed a huge case of the f*ckits, and now feel like I betrayed myself by doing so.

The problems you mention are difficult to cope with, but that's what we need to learn to do. Some things we can't change, for me, one of the biggest things I hate about myself is my hair loss, baldness at thirty, 20 years of looking at guys with a full scalp and inwardly cursing life because of my hair loss. There's not much I can do about it, and that sucks. I have problems living with it, but have no choice. I think we all have our flaws, which some say makes us unique, but we feel otherwise, like we are freaks or something. These are the worst feelings to struggle with and they really can bring us down. Depression is devastating and I've had more than my share, as you have. I'm trying to learn how to deal with all this, like you, so I hope you will continue to stick it out, try to find solutions that work for you and continue to vent here when all else seems to fail. You've touched many of us here and are precious to have here, so get some rest and hopefully tomorrow you will feel a little better.

Believe808

I don't agree with that statement. Even with everything going on in my life now, being sober is the best thing that ever happened to me. I love being sober even with all the crap that is going on. It is the one positive thing I have to look forward to each day. What sucked was every morning that I had to put pills and alcohol in my body just to get up and face the day.

martha27

Wow Bamboozle, it looks as though you have touched a lot of people, I think the rawness of your original post is what came through for me, the 'real me' heard your message and I feel so desperately for you, it is a very lonely place to be, made even worse as the world carries on around you and sobriety is no walk in the park either, but as people have mentioned in this thread getting sober really stirs the pot and anything that you have been drinking into silence will come out screaming to be heard.

I am not going to add much more, except maybe one piece of advice, you can do with it what you will.

I have Bipolar 1, which means I do suffer from depressive episodes but mainly I suffer from mania, the kind that makes you drink a bottle of vodka and sleep with 3 different guys in one night (pretty stuff) and this goes on for weeks, as part of being able to survive my disorder and not get a veneral disiease or my head blown off, I cannot indulge my mood, meaning I have to train my mind to stand back recognise it as mania and not indulge it, I also have to take a lot of drugs.

What was interesting was when I got sober 4 weeks ago for the first time in a couple of years I feel into depression, the black dog had started to follow me and I could see him clear as day. For the first 3 weeks I let the black dog control me and I started to feel suicidal and many feelings as you are experiencing, the sadness was haunting, I started isolating myself, not answering the phone, going off by myself, wagging from work and generally closing down. Then I stepped back and thought....HANG ON A MINUTE this is depression, I can live side by side with it and wait for it to pass and for the drugs to take effect but I am not going to nurture it or feed it (i.e. playing sad music, my fav thing), i.e. I need to recognise it for what it is depression.

I am not saying that you have depression or are nuturing your depression or anything like that, I just wanted to share with you from a perspective of constantly going MANIC then DEPRESSED that there is this tiny part of yourself that can be like switzerland, that can be the voice of reason and self-care even when a crazy mind like mine is flying like a kite or close to suicide, and it is this little part of me that looks after me. Thank goodness! I wish you all the best Bamboozle, you have friends here thats for sure!

tsukiko

Your post was so honest, yet you didn’t credit yourself with that at all. Maybe you’re just real modest too, but either way...in the time it took me to read your post I identified more positive personality traits than negative ones. And that’s just it...sometimes we don’t see the forest for the trees, especially when it comes to looking at ourselves.

Everything you posted sounded so familiar to me. I used to see myself in the mirror every morning and run the list in my mind, find twenty more things about myself that made me cringe. I spent half my life feeling like Frankenstein’s monster.

I still do sometimes, and when I don’t it isn’t because i don’t believe those things anymore, it is because telling myself I don’t like myself is pointless. It is true that my kettle is blue, but i don’t stare at it every morning and repeat in my mind ‘The kettle is blue’ while the water boils. Telling myself i don’t like who i am achieves nothing, but itself...and unlike the kettle, i have some choice what colour I am, what i think about myself, who i am.

All the problems i had are still with me. I’ve found it real hard replacing negative behaviours with positive ones and sustaining a positive attitude, but what helps me is realising I either keep going or essentially I die fulfilling every negative thought I’ve ever had of myself.

We create our own prophecies for ourselves, so tell y’self y’worthless and guess what...you'll spend the next fifty years proving yourself right.

You do have the tools, but I think you’re looking for them in the wrong place. It is like losing your keys in your house: Unlike losing your keys 'out there' where the weather or another person can carry them away, lose them in your house and they're still there and you can find them. It all depends how hard you are willing to look. Life isn’t judged until it is over. The angel can fall and the worm can turn.

If there is no mystery, no excitement, nothing to look forward to it is because you aren’t looking for ways to create those things, yet your post demonstrates how good you are at looking. Stop looking for what is wrong, make yourself look for what is positive and you will find it. Maybe you won’t find exactly what you set out looking for, but you will find positives and possibly a few things that even surpass what you set out wanting. The most perfect rose is spread with sh!t.

Loneliness is my biggest fear, most horrid reality. I used because I always felt like an outcast, now i often feel like an outcast because i used. I can’t join in conversations mates have about their pasts because i didn’t have the happy childhood memories, sleepovers, that first drink at eighteen. Even hearing them talk about that stuff is like sandpaper on raw flesh sometimes because further to feeling alienated by their conversation, it reminds me that while they were worrying about homework and the school disco i was worrying about where i was going to sleep and get the money to make it through the day.

And y’know what...even clean, that’s going to be the story of my life if I don’t dedicate the remainder of my existence to changing it.

And maybe I’ll still die lonely. Maybe I’ll never achieve what I want. Maybe it’ll never happen, but while I’m trying I can’t fail and at least if I die trying I won’t die having fulfilled all the negative prophecies I’ve created about myself. I might die lonely, but I won’t die being the reason for my lonliness


Stephen Fry said of self pity: ‘It will fulfil all the prophecies it makes and leave only itself’.

If I use or sit too long thinking on what i don’t like, I’ll never even get the chance to find out if i could’ve got where I wanted. I ain’t going to sacrifice even the hope of feeling like i belong either to use or to count the parts of me or the world that i don’t like.

I’m angry, but I will not be self destructive. I am sad, but I will not be self piteous. And I am lonely, but I am not alone.

Trying does not belong in the past tense. If you live to say you tried, then you’re saying you’ve given up. Trying is a constant and only death removes that...so while there is life, there is no excuse to stop trying.

Think about it...then think some more.

kj3880

I'm awkward. I always have been. I don't like the sound of my voice. I don't like the way that I walk. I don't like the way that I look. I feel like the pieces that make me up don't fit together. Maybe I should have been born male.

You do sound really depressed. I am looking at your post and i notice a theme here. "I don't like the way I look." "maybe I should have been born male." Feeling very depressed is common among people with gender identity dysphoria. Gender identity disorder (GID) is the formal diagnosis used by psychologists and physicians to describe persons who experience significant gender dysphoria (discontent with the biological sex they were born with). Has the therapist looked at this? Have you been able to share about your feelings of discomfort with your gender, the way you express them in your original post, with your therapist at all?

Love,
KJ