Bamboozle

No, I haven't discussed any of this with my therapist.

Truth is, I don't know what to think about it.

It's really hard for me to explain, but I'm going to try:


I feel like I’m both male and female…but I don’t like the word androgynous. Sometimes I feel more feminine, sometimes more masculine. I lean towards masculine more often…I guess…if one goes by the stereotypes about what’s masculine and what’s feminine. Is it more about the behavior or how one feels? Thinking about this stuff makes my head hurt.

I definitely don’t have a desire to change my appearance. I want to present as a woman. I do present as a woman. What I’m trying to say is that the “male” part of me is how I feel…not how I look.

Maybe the reason I think I should have been born male is because I think it would have been easier for me…but maybe not. I really don’t know.

I’m probably making a bigger deal out of this than I should, but I don’t know how to be completely comfortable the way I am. I’m always paying attention to my own behavior. I don’t know how to ignore myself and just let me be. Half the time I’m not sure who I am. Does any of this make any sense?

Bamboozle

Thank you so much, everyone. I'm feeling better today...I'm glad I am. Yesterday was scary.

sfgirl

This is something that I have had to learn to do in therapy— as Martha puts it, be Switzerland . It is such an important skill, being able to recognize and name your feelings without attaching to them. I don't know if that makes any sense if you read about zen meditation they talk about it there as well— watching thoughts and feelings, identifying them, not becoming attached, etc. I basically realized that therapy and Zen Buddhism had so many of the same mechanisms. I think it is called Vipassana meditation. Here is a guided one from Kevin Griffin who is recovery orientated:

Buddhism and the Twelve Steps

Otherwise you could search for more on the internet. I think the best thing to do would be to go do it at a center IRL if you look online I am sure there is one somewhere near you.

martha27

Hey Bamboozle good to hear that you are a bit better today, I know its a terrible rollercoaster. I am thinking of you, I was thinking of you first thing this morning when I woke up, take care of that girl in the mirror and that precious spiritual side of yourself that is perfect in everyway. Have a peaceful day!

kj3880

I'm so glad you are feeling a bit better today. Lots of ups and downs in our recovery path, eh?

Try to talk to your doc about the gender thing. Why don't you print out this thread and take it with you to your next appointment? Sometimes having it written down can help you focus on your issues.

Love,
KJ

ClayTheScribe

I do understand somewhat of what you're saying. I have a friend, or former friend, who is a woman but acts very masculine (wears guy's clothes, doesn't shave legs or armpits). And yeah she got some **** from people, but there are plenty of people like that and for the most part it didn't get to her. I liked her that way and most people accepted her. And she suffers from bi-polar disorder. Ultimately if it's not an issue of wanting a different body, you have to embrace who you are, which is very difficult. But you need to communicate those desires to your therapist. Your therapist is a tool for you to use and if you're not communicating the depth of your problems and ASKING for tools from them, it is pointless.

This may seem inconsequential, but how old are you and how long have you been sober? Also have you ever been formally diagnosed with depression and are you taking any medications? If you aren't, you should find a psychiatrist because antidepressants can help greatly. I have depression and I'm on several. If you are on meds already, you need to communicate to your psychiatrist that they're not working so him or her can adjust them.

Finding more friends: You said you were interested in photography. If you're going to school, you can make friends in photography classes or start taking photos for the school newspaper. Us journalists are very accepting people and many of us are self-described "freaks." I've felt alone often in my life, like there's no one that knows my pain or what I go through, but you have to be open to letting those people come into your life and being proactive to get them. Find photography forums and find people you can shoot with in your area that way.

I know I feel often there are things I cannot change about me, but that's unreasonable because I have grown so much already. That's just the depression talking and you need to check thoughts like that. Label them, reaffirm the truth and restate that truth to you, even if you don't immediately believe it.

Take care, good luck, and keep posting.:ghug

Bamboozle

Hello, CTS.

I'm in my late twenties...and I've been sober for almost three months this time around. I've been on and off for about a year and a half.

I haven't been diagnosed by a psychiatrist, but I am going the therapist plus doctor route. I'm on meds right now and I'm about to call for an adjustment. I talked to my therapist today...mostly about the medicine and how I wanted to stop...and I basically got served today. I knew what she was going to say...and I know that if I stop much of the suicidal thoughts will come back. I just don't like the side effects very much...and I hope I can find the right med/combo that gives me the best results overall.



I didn't have time to talk to her today about the gender issues. I'm going to sit down and write as much as I can and take it in with me the next time I go.

Take it easy.




Oh...I do shave...