Bamboozle

Open thread on this topic. Please feel free to talk about yourself. This thread does not need to be about me. I'm looking for other experiences/perspectives...maybe that will help.

I am on an antidepressant right now, and what a wonder it is. I've been on it for less than 2 weeks...I guess I got lucky to have something work so quickly and well.

Now, life is certainly not perfect, but now I know that I don't have to live in a dark pit...these pills have helped me to feel normal. I feel how I did before the feces hit the fan--gee, almost 10 years ago. I do not feel like I'm drugged (that's a big plus), but I have had moments of glee. It feels good to belly laugh and really mean it. It's been a long time, but I feel more in control of my mental state.

That being said, I have a lot of work to do with myself.

I have pretty much zero confidence and really low self-esteem.

I am very critical of myself...I judge myself CONSTANTLY and am always aware of how it is that I don't measure up. And, as much as I hate this about myself and hate to admit it, I do care what other people think. This all adds to my anxiety.

I don't know why I'm so negative, but I've been this way ever since I was wee little. There’s been no abuse or trauma in my life to make me this way. The only explanation I can come up with is that this is simply the way I'm wired. This doesn't leave me hopeless, though. I do believe that I can turn things around. I have to believe this. I'll talk more about this with my therapist, but I am looking for other perspectives. I know I need to focus on building myself up instead of breaking myself down, but I'm not sure what to do.

CoDieNOmore

I have issues with low self esteem too. I think getting on meds and going to therapy is a start. I'm also doing those things. I don't have much to add but I'm very interested in the feedback you get.....
Be Well

Astro

Early recovery, divorce and being kicked out of my home, those things left me feeling worthless, useless, and hopeless.

SSRI's helped pull me out of the pit but I only took those the first year. What helped the most was therapy, 12 Step meetings, and mostly service work that reinforced the fact that I was useful, my experience and sharing could help people, and that I was a genuinely caring and giving person. Just talking to someone reminded me that I was alive, I could smile and laugh. My first 4-5 months of recovery, I felt guilty about having those good feelings.

To this day it's still humble volunteer and service work that builds me up, but it's also the relationship with my children, friends, and family that tells me that I'm a loveable human being.

It's so hard to be gentle on ourselves, and to love ourselves, but I firmly believe that when we actively work a program of recovery, our self-worth is tremendous.

Live

My favorite definition of self-esteem is from Nathaniel Brandon who says it is the reputation we build with ourselves.

I think your antidepressants will continue to kick in and reach their optimum level in another month or so.

And I believe the counseling will help you a great deal with your other issues.

As these things improve, our confidence level does too.

just my beliefs.

Sweets79

Hi...I can relate to you on this...My self esteem has been low since I was small...I was always struggling with my weight as a kid, and got made fun of alot...I eventually lost alot of it as I got older, through diet..(it definitely just didn't magically come off) and started being treated differently by the opposite sex and actually started feeling attractive...My father always drank and wasn't very supportive, he was just downright abusive at times, which I think led to the way I feel about myself now. Like you said though, you haven't endured any abuse, it might just be the way your wired, and I agree with that. Besides my father being the way he is, I do believe I am prone to depression, I always have been. I've always looked on the negative side of things rather than the positive side, and lots of times, unfortunately, I was right about it. Maybe it's just been the people I have been choosing to have in my life that always give me bad results, which would be some thing deep down inside me that makes me pick them...but I digress...I haven't had a drink in a few days, and I am craving one like crazy...One of the reasons I drank (and there are many) is because it also brought out self-confidence...I thought I looked better, and I wasn't scared to say how I felt..normally I'm a little more reserved. I too am critical of myself and constantly comparing myself to other people...I also have anxiety...I did try a few anti-despressants, some worked good, some had nasty side effects, so I'm not crazy about them, but I think I might need them..I do feel emptiness in my life, and that's one feeling that drives me nuts. I have alot of work to do on myself. This website is really nice, glad I found it. Good Luck to you.

jamdls

I think my lack of self esteem led to my drinking problem, when I drank heck I could leap off tall buildings...and then of course the shame I would feel for the things I did while drunk made me feel even worse about myself.
I hit bottom emotionally in 1994 when my husband left me for another woman, I hadn't been drinking for a couple of years at that time, I basically had a nervous breakdown and I went to see a psychiatrist I didn't want to take medication but she finally convinced me that taking medication for my depression was no different than taking meds for epilepsy or high blood pressure etc. I tried 4 or 5 different anti depressants before finding one that worked w/o side effects and life started to feel better but then I turned back to the bottle and went on a 12 yr binge. Since I've been sober and the Effexor is working again I have lots of self confidence, at age 50 I finally came out of that black hole and it's pretty amazing. I still have moments (happened again just last night when I was just about to fall asleep) where I literally feel that I'm being sucked back into that black hole but now I have tools to fight it with.
Last night as I felt it I just yelled out loud and jumped out of bed and then went and had a little ice cream then a cigarette...

Judy

Toomutch

I have always had a low self esteem. My dad was an alcoholic and always told me and my brother how stupid we were and argued with anything we said. I got to the point that I wished he wouldn't even come home because I felt content until he would come through that door; and then we could all since the tention in the air.

People who don't know me say how confident and intimidating I am. I walk tall with my shoulders back and always try to look my best. I use all of this to make myself look and feel a little more confident. When I go out into a group of people they find me to be aloof or stuck up. I know this because basically every friend I have has told me how stuck up they though I was, until I got to know them. Low self esteem is hard to overcome... for me it comes from being afraid, I build walls.

crzylilmndfreak

""""""I have pretty much zero confidence and really low self-esteem.

I am very critical of myself...I judge myself CONSTANTLY and am always aware of how it is that I don't measure up. And, as much as I hate this about myself and hate to admit it, I do care what other people think. This all adds to my anxiety.

I don't know why I'm so negative, but I've been this way ever since I was wee little. There’s been no abuse or trauma in my life to make me this way. The only explanation I can come up with is that this is simply the way I'm wired. This doesn't leave me hopeless, though. I do believe that I can turn things around. I have to believe this. I'll talk more about this with my therapist, but I am looking for other perspectives. I know I need to focus on building myself up instead of breaking myself down, but I'm not sure what to do. """""
__________________

i totally hear you, and i read just recently that being pessimistic and negative are ways of self abuse, i also dont know where this comes from, i had a fairly good family life, but i have so many disorders and have tried so many different medications its ridiculous, i wish i could find something, anything to help. so I, if no one else in your family, totally understand, and i am happy to hear your problems as well, thank you for posting

crzylilmndfreak

QUOTE=could all since the tention in the air.

""""""""""""People who don't know me say how confident and intimidating I am. I walk tall with my shoulders back and always try to look my best. I use all of this to make myself look and feel a little more confident. When I go out into a group of people they find me to be aloof or stuck up. I know this because basically every friend I have has told me how stuck up they though I was, until I got to know them. Low self esteem is hard to overcome... for me it comes from being afraid, I build walls.[/QUOTE]"""""""


I have the exact same problem to a "T"
thanx for posting, i love it when i find a post that i can totally relate to

jamdls

I have found that just being sober gives me confidence because I just don't need the bottle anymore, I am proud of myself for my sobriety!

rubbersoul

Me too. Like everybody (well almost everybody I guess) I have that "automatic negative voice" in my head, but I've nurtured it to the point of having obsessive compulsive behaviours. I'm trying to stop it because I know a lot of my obsessive thoughts about myself, particularly physical ones, are extremely irrational and unhealthy. I'm lost as to what to do with these thoughts except obsess over them. If I force them away, as I've been doing, an innocent remark someone makes can send them flying back at me. They come out of no where too. Anyway, I think it helps that I know what they are when they pop up in my brain countless times every day so I'm not as devastated by them as I once was, usually anyway.