I think my lack of self esteem led to my drinking problem, when I drank heck I could leap off tall buildings...and then of course the shame I would feel for the things I did while drunk made me feel even worse about myself.
I hit bottom emotionally in 1994 when my husband left me for another woman, I hadn't been drinking for a couple of years at that time, I basically had a nervous breakdown and I went to see a psychiatrist I didn't want to take medication but she finally convinced me that taking medication for my depression was no different than taking meds for epilepsy or high blood pressure etc. I tried 4 or 5 different anti depressants before finding one that worked w/o side effects and life started to feel better but then I turned back to the bottle and went on a 12 yr binge. Since I've been sober and the Effexor is working again I have lots of self confidence, at age 50 I finally came out of that black hole and it's pretty amazing. I still have moments (happened again just last night when I was just about to fall asleep) where I literally feel that I'm being sucked back into that black hole but now I have tools to fight it with.
Last night as I felt it I just yelled out loud and jumped out of bed and then went and had a little ice cream then a cigarette...
Judy