shutterbug

okay...Anyone know any good posts among the forums that talks about what a healthy relationship looks like in the beginning????

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I've been on this self-discovery/awareness/healing journey for quite some time and with no relationships to really distract me. Several months ago, my brain decided it was time to start thinking about guys again. Oh bother.

That scares me a great deal (seeing how the last relationship is how I found this site to begin with)!!! If loneliness and heartful desires could be gotten past....i'd be happy living the rest of my life without ever trying to find a guy and a relationship that won't tear me down.

I guess i've had one eye on this guy who works in my company for about 10 months now.....but just an eye....maybe even a half an eye. He was on my radar, but that was it.

Within the last month, somethings changed and it has progressed to where I am now thinking about him literally from the moment I wake until i go to sleep again. AHHHHHH!!!!! This is not good! Not good at all I tell you!!

I hate this. I finally just decided it was stupid to play the "guessing" game and I finally told him Monday that I like him and want to get to know him better. The fact that he didn't avoid me after that, but rather, he seemed to respond to my frankness....well, it didn't put me at ease like I would have thought. The next day, right of the bat he went right in for a very typical flirting tactic of purposefully bumping into me and squishing me between him and the doorway. It was quite obvious. Well, that made me feel good to have gotten that kind of attention from someone i'm interested in.

And I've been on codie alert BIG-time and have yet to see any of those "red flags" in him. To me...the only red flag is that I'm attracted to him!!! I've only ever been attracted to the bad boys...and is why i've stayed away from men for several years now. I've been busy "re-wiring" my guy-radar, so to speak. So it's possible he's an okay guy....but I can't be sure yet...it's too early.

The biggest thing is....I just want to know if he likes me or if he's just flirting with me the same as he flirts with many of the girls in the office.?? Something about the way he looks at me, or doesn't, makes me definetly feels like this is more than just him being is normally outgoing, awnry self, but I could easily be lying to myself too. I don't know and it's driving me up the wall!!

And I feel stupid for acting like a luv-sick teenager....but I can't make myself stop thinking about him. And that alone make me think that even if he could have feelings for me...I need to run as fast as I can away from him.

Any and all thoughts, opinions or suggested online readings are MOST WELCOME!!! I'm in need of some codie wisdom...so i'll post in the friends and family forum, but you guys are my home and I especially wanted to hear from you.

Hugs,
Jenna

THE KING

my suggestion? GO AFTER HIM I had a crush on a girl in high school and never even ATTEMPTED to get her, could I have? I dont know but I should have tried atleast if I had failed I would have known, but I have no idea what would have happened and I regret it everyday, I came close to going after her, I even took a job where she worked cause I figiured that would be the best way to do it. But I never did (which is werid cause any other chcik and I would have tried to get her but not this one.) I promised myself that would NEVER happen again, next time I like a girl I'm going after her because thay way I'll know.

DONT make the same mistake I did. cause it SUCKS not knowing.

tryingtolive

Go for it!!


You have working on your life for so long maybe now its time to try and share life with someone else. I know that I don't want to live life alone.

Codieneaddict

I think you should go for it. If you don't, you'll always wonder 'what if'. For all you know he could be your soulmate. Let us know what happens and best of luck!

shutterbug

Thanks guys...I have done all I can do short of grabbing him and laying one on him

Last week, I told him in an e-mail that I liked him and would enjoy getting to know him better ...so if he wanted to go out...all he needed to do was ask. The next day was when he flirted with me by leaning up against me...as if to squish me. I took that as a great sign and was happy and thought he would ask me out within the week. He didn't. By Thursday, I withdrew from my usual joking with him and even went so far as to avoid him. Friday...he asked me why I was grumpy...and he basically ended up leaving work that day in a down mood...as I eluded to a couple of his jokes hurting my feelings.

I then sent him a message blatently telling him I was sorry and that I was attracted to him even though he's a co-worker and a natural flirt and even though I knew I shouldn't ...that I couldnt' help it. I told him..."don't mind the stupid girl."

That night, he messaged be back saying he was drunk, that he would write me today and that I wasn't stupid.

2 things: 1. the fact that he was drunk....not a good statement for a codie to hear from a guy she is hoping is "healthy" minded. I mean....the last thing I want is to get involved with someone who could end up turning out to become an alcoholic later on! 2. A little while ago...I saw he had been online...and yet he didn't write me as he said he would....so...i'm left feeling even stupider.

Bozo

I was going to make a joke that I never realized how bad you wanted me, blah, blah, blah. Well after reading your post, now is not the time to joke, duh.

Why are friggin relationships so difficult for some of us, me included. I'm too old for anyone to come on to me anymore, so I am pretty jealous of the guy.

Seriously though, you took a chance and so far it hasnt worked out as planned, so what? Shrug it off my dear and move on. When he comes out of his coma, maybe he will realize what a great person you are!!

Hang in there, Ill bet anything you find the man of your dreams, and soon!!!

shutterbug

haha...thanks for making me smile Bozo...i needed that

Sunday evening I put everything together in my head...which was that I was actually dealing with old feelings and emotions for my last relationship with the alcoholic...and because this guy had so many similar physical and personality characteristics...that I was actually projected those onto him.

I mean their names are even almost identical...just 1 letter off.

Anyway, Monday morning he responded...that he didn't know how to respond. I thanked him for responding anyway (often a hard thing for a guy to do...i know this) and told him of my revelation. I told him it was just a moment of "temporary insanity" and that once I realized everything...that i was back to my old self again...and that all is good.

He's a sweet guy and understood...and hasn't avoided me like I had thought he would have. He just told me to let him know if he steps over the line.

I, of course, wasn't completely trueful in saying I was back to my old self. I still think of him many times a day...not not with anything close to the intensity of before this weekend. And i've realized he's not for me anyway, but...i still get nervous when I see him. Luckily..that's not but usually a couple of times a day in passing -- if that.

So....i'm just going to try to figure out what is missing from my life as it is. Something is off kilter ...i've dealt with the gambling issues...then this whole guy thing pops up....now my mind keeps thinking it's time to go shopping.

This all tells me...i'm just not a whole person yet....as I had hoped i was getting closer to becoming.

Anyway, that's all. Back to focusing on trying to fix me....yippieeee (sarcasim...i was SO looking forward to a pleasant break filled with lots of kissing LOL)

Jenna

soberinnyc

In my 12th year I became obsessive about a guy who lives in Italy. It was terrible, like a swarm of bees in my head. Lasted a year! If it happened today I'd talk about it with someone who understands Sex & Love Addictions... you're on the right track by discussing it here.

shutterbug

Soberinnyc...thanks so much....yes! A love addiction!!!! Thanks...i'm going to google it right now!!

found this one: http://www.recovery-man.com/loveaddict.htm

shutterbug

took a test on how I am in relationships in general...and it's very accurate. (http://www.ncpg.com/Interpersonal_Relationships.php)

Results:
Your score indicates that you are interested in other people, however, you tend to want others to know all about you. Your need to impress people can serve as a mask for your insecurities. Assertiveness training, active listening skills and communication education may help you find a better balance in your life. You can learn to appreciate others' interests and talents and thereby create an atmosphere for them to want to know more about your uniqueness.

shutterbug

well...i didn't really find much to identify with or pull valid info from in the SLAA stuff or just love addiction, but in searching under Love AND "Mental obsession" I have at least found this one site I want to come back to and read more of later> http://www.salrachele.com/webarticle...lobsession.htm

This one seems to be something about Highly Sensative People http://www.aimoo.com/forum/freeboard...4&NoCaches=Yes

Cindi R

From the "love addict site"...
Actually, I told my shrink that my next addiction was gonna be a S&L one...joking that I was gonna go to meetings and hang out in the parking lot looking for the relapsers...at least that way I'd have some fun and have some stories to tell in the nursing home someday...
hehehe
actually many of the criteria "fit", how pathetic is that?
I probably need psycho therapy...years and years of it...I just can't afford to take the time off and pay for it and live on disabiliy for heaven's sakes...
I mean aren't we all a little crazy...
isn't love a little like mental illness...
don't all relationships have some stalker tendancies in the beginning...?!?

"Lack of nurturing and attention when young
*Feeling isolated, detached from parents and family
*Compartmentalization of relationships from other areas of life
*Outer facade of "having it all together" to hide internal disintegration
*Mistake intensity for intimacy (drama driven relationships)
*Hidden Pain
*Seek to avoid rejection and abandonment at any cost
*Afraid to trust anyone in a relationship
*Inner rage over lack of nurturing, early abandonment
*Depressed
*Highly manipulative and controlling of others
*Perceive attraction, attachment, and sex as basic human needs, on a par with food and water
*Sense of worthlessness without a relationship or partner
*Feelings that a relationship makes one whole, or more of a man or woman
*Escalating tolerance for high-risk behavior
*Intense need to control self, others, circumstances
*Presence of other addictive or compulsive problems
*Insatiable appetite in area of difficulty (sex, love or attachment / need.)
*Using others, sex & relationships to alter mood or relieve emotional pain
*Continual questioning of values and lifestyle
*Driven, desperate, frantic personality
*Confusion of sexual attraction with love ("Love" at first sight.)
*Tendency to trade sexual activity for "love" or attachment
*Existence of a secret "double life"
*Refusal to acknowledge existence of problem
*Defining out-of-control behavior as normal
*Defining "wants" as "needs"
*Tendency to leave one relationship for another. (Inability to be without a relationship.)
*Attempts to replace lost relationships with a new one immediately

Many of these symptoms are also elements of codependency and intimacy dysfunctions resulting from childhood abandonment, emotional and / or sexual abuse. For this reason treatment and therapy for Love Addiction often includes trauma recovery work. "

HKAngel24

I recommend visting the Relationship forum on here. There are some stickies about Relationships and Codependency that I have found EXTREMELY helpful.
There is a list of what a Healthy Relationship is vs. Toxic Love.

I feel less alone reading your post. I, too, am an obsessive, nervous thinker in terms of men. I found it EXTREMELY difficult in the beginning to maintain my newfound independence and still allow a man into my heart. I had not ever cultivated healthy responses to things in arelationship. I only attribute this to the fact that I have relied on men in relationships to give to me emotionally what I could not give mysefl. Very sad. If you ever need to talk or to write about your obsessing- feel free to private message me.

My advice is to always take relationships slowly- the faster they move, the more likely I find myself slipping back into dependent behaviors and losing my identity.

WantsOut

In our culture males are the pursuers. I think that for women like us, codies that is, it's not a good idea to be the initiator. In my experience I am setting myself up when I do that. We push too hard and the guy is attracted to the idea of, frankly, easy sex, which is part of the lure here, is it not? But they know that we want them too much - in an unatural way, unhealthy.

When I was in your position I know what would be likely to happen next... an encounter totally engineered by me with a man who is reluctant, has given me nothing, has not pursued me really, and everything is strange.

That "he's just not that into you" stuff is perfect for women with our problem - to learn how to let these obsessions go, to learn how to indicate once that we are interested and let him come to us if he's interested, to truly understand that we are too valuable to give ourselves, heart and body, away any longer ...

shutterbug

thank you guys so much! And thanks WantsOut for reminding me of that book. I asked my sister the other day if she still had her copy and she didn't so you've reminding me that I want to order it! gunna go see about that now. Hugs.