Honestly
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 40
Honestly
'Honestly' is how I want to enter into the new year, feeling like I need to focus some energy on living a truthful life. I love the New Year and this always seems to give me some power to actually make some real changes in my life in the current year, a time frame to focus on the areas in my life that really need changing.
And so I have a vision for the new year, and that is one of 'honest sobriety'. At the end of this month I take my one year medallion in AA. I have been 'sober' for almost a year, finally, after many many relapses, I am finally going to be getting a one year medallion.
Funny thing is though, is that at about day five sober I started smoking weed again, after having not smoked for over a decade, and my plan was to just have a tiny bit only when I really needed to take the edge off, since I wasn't using alcohol anymore. But...just like my past weed use over a decade ago I once again became a daily pot user. I use it the same way I used alcohol...without any control. I have no control. I am powerless. All of my 'rules of use' never work, I always break them and make new rules just to make myself feel better, but then break those rules too! Yes, the insanity of addiction.
Anyway, I have not told a soul about my weed use. I have been going to AA and have collected my chips each month for not drinking for another month, and now I will getting a one year birthday. I know I would be a lot more excited if I wasn't feeling so guilty about my secret MJ addiction.
I realize that I am going to have to quit MJ, and the sooner the better, because my life will start to get worse. It is not normal to close my curtains by noon on the weekends so that I can sit on my couch and smoke weed all day. During the week as soon as I get home from work I light one up, and then I am in for the night, and that is the way I have wanted it. Now I see I am starting to really miss out on life. I want to quit my MJ use. I may be almost ready for day one...lol.
Which is why I am here. I KNOW I cannot do this alone and will need to lean on those who know what I will be going through. I do want to eventually come clean in my AA life that my first year of 'sobriety' was being maintained with marijuana use, I am just not ready yet due to shame and embarrassment.
Thanks for listening.
Prairie Spirit
And so I have a vision for the new year, and that is one of 'honest sobriety'. At the end of this month I take my one year medallion in AA. I have been 'sober' for almost a year, finally, after many many relapses, I am finally going to be getting a one year medallion.
Funny thing is though, is that at about day five sober I started smoking weed again, after having not smoked for over a decade, and my plan was to just have a tiny bit only when I really needed to take the edge off, since I wasn't using alcohol anymore. But...just like my past weed use over a decade ago I once again became a daily pot user. I use it the same way I used alcohol...without any control. I have no control. I am powerless. All of my 'rules of use' never work, I always break them and make new rules just to make myself feel better, but then break those rules too! Yes, the insanity of addiction.
Anyway, I have not told a soul about my weed use. I have been going to AA and have collected my chips each month for not drinking for another month, and now I will getting a one year birthday. I know I would be a lot more excited if I wasn't feeling so guilty about my secret MJ addiction.
I realize that I am going to have to quit MJ, and the sooner the better, because my life will start to get worse. It is not normal to close my curtains by noon on the weekends so that I can sit on my couch and smoke weed all day. During the week as soon as I get home from work I light one up, and then I am in for the night, and that is the way I have wanted it. Now I see I am starting to really miss out on life. I want to quit my MJ use. I may be almost ready for day one...lol.
Which is why I am here. I KNOW I cannot do this alone and will need to lean on those who know what I will be going through. I do want to eventually come clean in my AA life that my first year of 'sobriety' was being maintained with marijuana use, I am just not ready yet due to shame and embarrassment.
Thanks for listening.
Prairie Spirit
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Welcome to the forum Paririe Spirit 
I'm not in AA but like you, I found my pot abuse pretty much mirrored my alcohol abuse.
I think you're making a great decision to stop the weed, and eventually, coming clean to your AA cohorts
D
I'm not in AA but like you, I found my pot abuse pretty much mirrored my alcohol abuse.
I think you're making a great decision to stop the weed, and eventually, coming clean to your AA cohorts
D
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 40
Thanks Dee. The momentum of this inevitable change that needs to happen in my life is coming very fast...I am okay with it a lot less often and it is not as easy for me to talk myself into believing I can get by living like this, that I don't need anything better...geesh.
Day one is very close...if not tomorrow...
xo
Day one is very close...if not tomorrow...
xo
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 40
Today has already been tainted! But I do have to decide if I want to flush the rest of my stash tonight...I am not sure if I am ready. I know I will need to go to an AA meeting every night starting on day one. I will really have to shake up my routine, because my current routine that involves MJ use is a rut! 
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington state
Posts: 571
Hi PrairieSpirit and welcome to the forum.
Wow, your story sounds lot like mine (minus the AA part).
I quit alcohol long before weed and called myself sober. But I wasn't. And that lie just kept getting heavier and heavier. I started hating the way toking made me feel. It was supposed to lighten the load and make me happy and it was having the opposite effect. But I kept smoking pot hoping it would make me happy and it didn't. What do they call that again? Insanity.
It was a tough go but with time the negativity of quitting disappeared. I have never once regretted quitting. I can't say that about smoking.
Quitting didn't solve all of life's troubles. Let's face it, life is messy. But it was a lot messier while high, or wanting to get high or thinking about running out or worrying about looking or acting stoned or...you get my meaning.
I hope you stick around and get the support you need.
This is a pretty awesome site. I doubt I could have gotten clean without it.
Two and a half years on Christmas day. Best present ever!
Wow, your story sounds lot like mine (minus the AA part).
I quit alcohol long before weed and called myself sober. But I wasn't. And that lie just kept getting heavier and heavier. I started hating the way toking made me feel. It was supposed to lighten the load and make me happy and it was having the opposite effect. But I kept smoking pot hoping it would make me happy and it didn't. What do they call that again? Insanity.
It was a tough go but with time the negativity of quitting disappeared. I have never once regretted quitting. I can't say that about smoking.
Quitting didn't solve all of life's troubles. Let's face it, life is messy. But it was a lot messier while high, or wanting to get high or thinking about running out or worrying about looking or acting stoned or...you get my meaning.
I hope you stick around and get the support you need.
This is a pretty awesome site. I doubt I could have gotten clean without it.
Two and a half years on Christmas day. Best present ever!
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 40
Thanks Lynnmarie. Your story does sound like mine so thanks for sharing. I will for sure be posting a lot, as I will need the support. I once quit smoking weed after 6 years of daily use...that was about 18 years ago. I still smoked cigarettes and binge drank sometimes. I quit smoking the cigarettes in 2008. Then six months later I became a full blown alcoholic. I have had only short term sobriety basically ever since then, only up to eight months once, without using ANYTHING which was amazing that it was even happening, but after relapsing after a fall out with my AA sponsor in January 2018 I could not stay sober...until I started smoking weed again last December! What a circle/cycle of insanity/addiction!!! I feel like a phoney taking my one year medallion at my AA homegroup, but at the same time I still think of it as a milestone. And I am going to go through this door to live without any substance abuse, I am shocked to be saying this but I will flush my stash tonight, and throw away all of my paraphernalia in the morning. Scared to death!! (that I will fail...but I will go for it anyway)
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington state
Posts: 571
Good for you! That is a tough thing to do. I didn't get rid of my paraphernalia until I was 3 months into my quit, I believe.
But doing so was very liberating. I was just leaving the door open for further use and I really wanted this quit to stick.
There was I tool that I used a lot in the early days whenever I really wanted to pick up again. I would imagine just how things would slip back into the old ways; getting stoned all day every day, if I ever smoked again.
The AV plays tricks on you and says all sorts of things. "Hey, you've gone without for a few days/weeks/months, you can handle a toke and not have it take over your life again." IT'S A LIE! Pull that tool out and use it.
I used it a LOT and it works.
It might take a little teeth gritting, but you can do it.
And the great news is - it gets better each day!
But doing so was very liberating. I was just leaving the door open for further use and I really wanted this quit to stick.
There was I tool that I used a lot in the early days whenever I really wanted to pick up again. I would imagine just how things would slip back into the old ways; getting stoned all day every day, if I ever smoked again.
The AV plays tricks on you and says all sorts of things. "Hey, you've gone without for a few days/weeks/months, you can handle a toke and not have it take over your life again." IT'S A LIE! Pull that tool out and use it.
I used it a LOT and it works.
It might take a little teeth gritting, but you can do it.
And the great news is - it gets better each day!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
There's no need to delete the thread PrairieSpirit.
A lot of us faltered a time or two.
I hope you'll keep checking in and ultimately decide to quit.
I wrote this not after I joined SR - probably explains better than I could now the competing forces within us, but why quitting is the best option.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post1288813 (H.e.l.p.420)
A lot of us faltered a time or two.
I hope you'll keep checking in and ultimately decide to quit.
I wrote this not after I joined SR - probably explains better than I could now the competing forces within us, but why quitting is the best option.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post1288813 (H.e.l.p.420)
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 40
Thanks Dee. I believe you know what I am going through, and that you have made it to the other side - unchartered territory for me. I hope I decide that putting in the hard work will be worth the effort. I hope it happens sooner rather than later. Thank you for all the support.
xo
xo
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
I hope you reconsider! My story is similar to yours. I have 3.5 years sober w AA (and the grace of God) and yet I continued to smoke weed. I’ve quit before many times, and now have 3 weeks weed free. I know I’m still early days, but my well being has already changed remarkably and I am so grateful to be rid of it. Don’t let your life pass you by while you isolate at home getting high. It’s not easy to quit but it’s worth it.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 754
It might be helpful to read up on other people's experiences. You can sort threads by number of replies. There's a lot of useful information in them. The biggest eye-opener for me where the similarities between me and all those other smokers who quit. The same feelings, the same thoughts...it was very comforting (and a little confronting) to read.
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