AucklandAddict

1 Week! I ROCK!

Just got a flash new washing machine the last one was well past due date. It's a lease but it's cheap (student rates forever) and the owner/operator is a very good man. We get talking he's given up weed about 6 months ago and is doing a lot of martial arts and meditation. His honesty will keep him well, and great love for his son. We talked epigenetics and generational transfer of trauma - not your typical tradesperson

Am making a note here as I keep putting it off. Next week I am going to my Doctors for a checkup and to take a look at my lungs. Eight months off the ciggies and a week off weed I still got a smokers cough. Feels like I got a colony or two of something in my lungs. As I NEVER take antibiotics it shouldn't be too hard to deal with if it is microbial. I hope it's microbial...

Self care. Not high on an addicts list but important to recovery for sure. Dental and mental health are highly connected, but that's a science paper not a post.

Meditation was good and bad. My old teacher has passed on which is very sad she was such a gentle soul. The new teacher is not so qualified in meditation but highly experienced in A&D field, so there's balance.

Found a paper this morning with excellent models similar to the work I am doing now, only very slight adjustments needed. Will save me a lot of trial and error to build models, and backs up my train of thought. Blessings!

Be well people. If you are struggling with weed yourself and want to chime in but feel shy/unsure - you are most welcome to join in should you wish.

There is a better way. I've experienced it before and I'm fast-tracking back there. Happy, joyous, carefree.

The biggie for me was service work. Very valuable to stop the selfishness/self obsession.

AucklandAddict

Lunch meeting was awesome. Met my first Amerindian, powerful message.

Did the dishes afterwards. Sudsing up the soul.

Dee74

'grats on your week

D

Lorax1981

yeah man!

Snarly

Hi Auckland,

Nice to meet you.

Congrats on 1 week!

I'm Snarly and I have only been a member for a few days (9 days sober).

Thanks for posting.

My main drug is booze but I've done my share of other stuff. I obsess about everything so I knew drugs would be the end of me. Mjay always made me paranoid!

I really relate to all the physical stuff you are going through - today is the first time I have been able to really deep sleep.

I too set up my own thread. Initially I intended to use it ask questions. Folks here were ( and are) amazing . It has evolved into my own diary of my first days sober. I have gone back several times and read my posts and the responses.

I still can't believe some of the things I posted, but that's just were my scrambled mind was at. No one judged me - even gave me some gentle nudges to make sure I didn't post anything I might regret.

Please keep us posted.

Snarly

AucklandAddict

Nice to meet you Snarly. Nine days sober is awesome. Is this your first rodeo?

There is some outstanding material to be found on this site. It's a big site but I like to scroll down to 'best of sober recovery' and take a looksee when I need some reading to take my mind off.

Also some great threads just sharing movies etc that might be uplifting or enlightening. Have considered opening a thread on comedy (laughter is awesome medicine) as I used to promote it and still perform it and have a relatively good eye for material that travels.

Left the meeting early tonight, some lady came in with a child with a radio playing and didn't turn it off, after 10 minutes I'd had enough. Went back for after-meeting fellowship at a cafe - that was nice - and the chicken soup - it was for the soul

Been a hermit for a while it was nice to be out and about in the evening.

I was a chronic alcoholic for a decade or so then thought I'd game the system by just smoking dope.... LOL!

10 points for effort.

Snarly

Auckland,

Sorry about the meeting. Sounds like you were still able to get something out. Great that you went to the cafe.

This is definitely not my first rodeo. Been doing alcohol and stuff since High School. I was sober and active in AA for 9 years.

Each rodeo seems to get harder and harder. I read a thread somewhere that talked about this and I just kept thinking:
endless pit or Dante's inferno?

I can definitely relate to being a "hermit". I am currently serving a self imposed 14 day day house arrest.
Best for me and those around if I limit temptation and outside contact.

Comedy: I just found out tonight that there is a comedy thread:
Go to Forum (on top bar)
Scroll down to "Social Groups"
Thread is "Recovery Follies" pages - mix of videos, images, etc

I remembered this line:
laughter IS the best medicine

Keep up the good work!

AucklandAddict

Laughter is the best medicine, unless you suffer from erectile dysfunction...

Richie

Congrats on a week!

AucklandAddict

Excellent meeting today. Theme - pain. When it comes to emotional pain i used to be a total wimp and avoid it at all costs. in recovery every time I'd experience it I'd balk and find some behaviour to avoid actually feeling my feelings.

I'd eat, or I'd write, or I'd go to the gym.

I became an exercise junkie. It was in the gym I finally realised that all I was avoiding experiencing was actually growing pains.

When you train hard and your muscles hurt a bit the next day you don't whine you think, this is good, muscle repair is underway, this pain is an indicator i am getting stronger.

And so it is with emotional pain. Embrace it, acknowledge it as part of a growing process - and if you want good gains, get a professional on board.

AucklandAddict

Thirteen Days - yet I feel so lucky!

As I'm not doing rehab or similar have been attempting to do similar things for myself that they might have done for me/directed me toward, in early recovery.

Dentists, doctors, diet, exercise... (pending) meditation, fellowship.

I am so grateful, and feel so lucky. My healths ok, my lungs are intact (how I dodged that bullet is beyond me), my mind, though a bit crazy is healing rapidly.

Tonight I've been studying out of curiosity and fascination, out of wanting to do a great job as opposed to fear of failure, quite a shift, a very welcome shift. I have always been fascinated by biological science but i lost that for a good period, everything becomes grey and flat in active using, HELLO COLOR!

My thing this week has been congruence. Is what I'm saying matching what I'm doing? Tearing plants out of the basement, dismantling and discarding equipment and clones etc, stuff's getting real, and it's all good.

I notice I have a story about my last relapse, but it is not the truth. My relapse began with using a person, then guilt and using proper followed. The PTSD stuff actually followed the using. Funny how we make these dialogues to justify our nonsense. No congruence though, when talking rubbish.

An old friend turned up in my life and despite my (limited, and obviously not so clear as I needed to be) protest, continued to turn up. She brought bags of food and i was a hungry student, she brought sex and i was a lonely student. Despite my protestations however the bags of food grew larger, the visits more frequent till I could clearly see a problem. She went on a 10 day meditation retreat only to return and accuse me of infidelity.

I let it go on too long for selfish reasons, and also because I dislike hurting peoples feelings. Setting boundaries is new territory for me, and I did a bad job of it. I recall being seriously conflicted, and ashamed. I even tried to develop feelings that just weren't there. End result was I was completely incongruent with myself and my program, and though I finally put my foot down and sent her packing, I relapsed.

Whatever other dynamics were at play I'm not sure. Possibly some complacency (was doing/feeling great), possibly other stuff - am not going to over-analyse I just need to own the fact I was using a person before I was using, and that was major in my 'downfall'.

Boundaries, they're a bit awkward for me to set, but they might save me a whole lot of future awkwardness and discomfort.

I directed that lady to CoDA, she took to it like a duck to water. I'm glad she has found recovery, and selfishly, am even more glad she's recovering in a different city.

Now I'm off to watch some Father Ted - GENIUS!

AucklandAddict

TWO WEEKS!

Unbelievable difference in my physical, emotional, social and spiritual aspects of life.

Didn't wake up cursing
Didn't wake up coughing
Didn't wake up overwhelmed

Am considering either outpatient care from a facility I previously attended, or just counselling from a govt Alcohol/drug service provider. The facility provides peer-peer feedback and they don't pull punches, probably very good for me - but lots of bumper sticker quoting newcomers with little to no congruity... (half forced there via the courts) and then my turn for feedback...

Possibly better I get 1 on 1 counsel, and let their journeys be what they be. A good sponsor will provide feedback, best I get one.

My head can clutter very quickly with 'things to do' and then I do start to feel overwhelmed. Meditation and mindfulness can help tremendously but...

I need to be mindful enough to remember to be mindful.

Richie

Congrats on two weeks.

Ajohnson

Congrats on two weeks. I'll have to same tomorrow!

Ooona

Read your whole thread this morning. Loving seeing your journey unfold. I didnt do pot, havent since the 80s, I had some sort of allergy to it and it gave me anxiety and paranoia. My thing was alcohol. I was what I would consider a heavy drinker up until about 2 years ago when my son died. Everything went downhill very quickly after that as I progressed very rapidly from heavy drinking to alcoholism in a matter of weeks or short months. I could certainly relate to how we use a substance to cope with feelings as thats exactly what I was doing. After my son passed I couldnt sleep or eat, I was in total despair, completely broken and shattered from the loss. Alcohol gave me a way to check out and I thought it was help me rest and sleep. It did the opposite.
Now at 70 days sober, all of those feelings I was running from, have come back. I just delayed the healing process and so now I must do the work that I put off by drinking so much. I do have to say since I stopped drinking, I am sleeping better then I ever have, my appetite is improved, Im actually welcoming the feelings of loss and coping with them in much healthier ways. Im growing and sure that my son is watching me with pride and relief to see mama becoming healthier again.
Recovery is such a miracle blessing and a gift! Im so happy to be experiencing this and Im so happy for you too !
Thank you for making my morning so enjoyable. I love your humor and your story telling ability!

Be Blessed!

Dee74

Congrats on two weeks Auckland Addict and Ajohnson

D

AucklandAddict

Hi Ooona, thanks for your input.

Losing a child is a huge deal. After my brother died my Mum didn't really come right for a long time, and my Dad became (more of) an abusive/absentee Father.

Mum clung to the church I guess she was feeling pretty guilty leaving me in charge of Paul just so she could talk on the phone all day. After 6 or so years I finally stood up to the old man and mum sent him packing the next day.

She started growing after that. Emotional healing - but many years of spousal abuse and Dad's infidelity with her so called best friend had certainly left its mark.

Couple years later she was cooking in a bible college and it was noted that more women were seeking her advice than the counselors. Some outfit in the US flew her over to speak in women's ministry and that became her career working in churches with women here and in the states for about twenty years until an untimely death from cancer.

That cancer death infuriated me mum'd been to see doctors for many years and the whole feckless lot of them discovered nothing till they opened her up mere weeks from her death to discover so many cancers some of her organs were fused together. Another reason it infuriated me was I'd used cannabis treatment on a friend and his polyps just vanished.

Enter the anti-establishment marijuana crusader period of my life. This experience lead to university eventually, that and my fascination with soil microbiology via growing weed.

So these hideous experiences got turned around somehow, and good came of it despite all the tragedy. Mum had helped so many people the funeral was held in a massive church and the crowd spilled out into the car park.

I'm so glad you've come to recovery it's the only way to move through and then past the pain. Some things may always hurt but they don't have to cripple us, and we don't have to dwell on them.

On a personal note I've had the feeling of impending doom for a couple of days. It's a bit awful and has thrown concentration out the window. When I allow myself to feel and examine it meditatively (rather than let my head go nuts) it's a tightness in the chest, a gritted jaw, sweaty palms and shallow breath. Night sweats were bad last night, part of it I guess.

Certainly no reason to use, if anything, evidence I need to stay the course. But I sure hate it when the fear comes upon me.

Head is trying to tell me weed will help.

I'm not interested in short term relief anymore - where the problem is never dealt with just delayed to cause me more pain in the future. I need to stay the course. This site has stuff on PTSD I'm gonna go do some reading.

Also, I think I'll take on some of the tapping stuff I did last time - emotional freedom technique (EFT) I think it is called. there's a wonderful man on youtube - Brad Yates, who makes loads of videos for helping work through all sorts of emotions and common unhealthy thought patterns.

It's a bit high maintenance this early recovery - that is if you want 'recovery'. AA has a term - dry drunk - a sober person who does nothing about their behaviour issues. Horrible place to be, been there done that, no thanks.

My initial reaction is to crawl into bed and do nothing. But life awaits, so I just got to deal with it.

Life on life's terms. AARGH - they got a bumper sticker for everything.

AucklandAddict

Got sidetracked watching TED talks on corporate psychopathy.

When I am an active addict, I display so much psychopathic behavior - but I am deeply empathetic.... Result = massive shame and guilt, constant apologies, and using to cover the discomfort of being this person I don't want to be.

Manipulative
Promiscuous
Deceitful
Parasitic
Grandiosity (still get this not using, trying not to be grandiose, well, I'd like to say I'm the best at it by far )
Poor behavioral control
Impulsivity
Irresponsibility
Pathological lying

Sounds like a checklist for a using addict to me.

For me, doing the 12 steps can provide me with a way and means to overcome the baggage I carry into sobriety after living with such incongruity.

I feel better now. I had thoughts I was totally broken but the evidence of my repeated attempts to put things right with myself and others suggests I just have some work to do.

Easy Does It. Not likely.

AucklandAddict

3 weeks. Holy smokes Batman was that only three weeks!

Up, down, sideways....

Still hate housework.

Was listening to the song YMCA in the car - strongly suspect the Village People were into or at least familiar with recovery.

Lines like 'put your pride on the shelf' (also seriously ironic but possibly before the gay community hijacked the word pride)
'You can get yourself clean'
and others.

It's interesting I've heard that old song so many times and am only registering what they're saying now.

Got an old flame (nearly 30 years back) wants to catch up. Sister met her in another city recently and they connected the dots to me. We had a brief and blazing affair before I got caught in a paddock with a bag full of mushies and went off to jail...

I thought I'd offer to correspond first - for safety and to take it easy... But - she doesn't do email. Also in another city....

I'm conflicted. My sobriety is #1. Think I'll re-offer the chance to correspond via snail mail. Don't want to ignore her - as a poet she was THE muse of some of my best work, but fantasy meets reality?

Trying to do the right thing. Acknowledging it's a tricky situation will help me not to be impulsive.

Oh what subtle art is she
So fine of form it could not be
That one as I could steal a kiss
And not be captured whole by this.



Go well folks.

Lorax1981

Pat yourself on the back cuz those early weeks are no walk in the park!