2 days, it begins.
 

I've smoked too much weed for too long my life was becoming a horrid reclusive mess I felt like a smack freak my flat was feral I was feral my friends were a-holes. It's time for change.

Yesterday was one of those time-bending taking forever kind of days every hour took an eon but I persevered. I watched a bunch of comedy videos, even got some laughs out of me. I've attended meetings and will continue to do so - my addiction is very isolative, i need to re-learn to be with people not in my shell/head.

I'm PTSD and had managed to convince myself weed was medication when I KNOW that meditation does a better job of keeping me calm.

When I fell over a few years back (was 18 months clean) I blew my masters project, turned down a part in a tv series, quit stand-up, got in a years supply of weed, and locked the doors. <-lot of pain.

It was so awful shutting down and shutting the world out once again but after a year or so I put my hand up for help and got counsel for my core PTSD stuff which i never did before as we were too busy concentrating on other stuff... my layers run deep.

I got asked to babysit my 4 yr old brother when i was only 7 and he died in my care. The cops interrogated me hard trying to get a conviction as it happened on the property of a powerful corporation who didn't want to fix up their safety so kids couldn't just walk in and jump on their machines. SCUM. They left telling my parents, he's definately innocent anyone else would've broke after that, we were very thorough, they were proud of themselves. But I did break, I was only a little kid.

I became a book junkie as it was the only escapism game in town then age 13 discovered marijuana and never looked back. I'm 49 now.

I'm sorry for your pain AucklandAddct, but I'm glad you found us :)

I smoked for 30 years trying not to feel anything of consequence...This community helped me turned my life around.

D

2 days
 

I've smoked too much weed for too long my life was becoming a horrid reclusive mess I felt like a smack freak my flat was feral I was feral my friends were a-holes. It's time for change.

Yesterday was one of those time-bending taking forever kind of days every hour took an eon but I persevered. I watched a bunch of comedy videos, even got some laughs out of me. I've attended meetings and will continue to do so - my addiction is very isolative, i need to re-learn to be with people not in my shell/head.

I'm PTSD and had managed to convince myself weed was medication when I KNOW that meditation does a better job of keeping me calm.

When I fell over a few years back (was 18 months clean) I blew my masters project, turned down a part in a tv series, quit stand-up, got in a years supply of weed, and locked the doors. <-lot of pain.

It was so awful shutting down and shutting the world out once again but after a year or so I put my hand up for help and got counsel for my core PTSD stuff which i never did before as we were too busy concentrating on other stuff... my layers run deep.

I got asked to babysit my 4 yr old brother when i was only 7 and he died in my care. The cops interrogated me hard trying to get a conviction as it happened on the property of a powerful corporation who didn't want to fix up their safety so kids couldn't just walk in and jump on their machines. SCUM. They left telling my parents, he's definately innocent anyone else would've broke after that, we were very thorough, they were proud of themselves. But I did break, I was only a little kid.

I became a book junkie as it was the only escapism game in town then age 13 discovered marijuana and never looked back. I'm 49 now.

I was in my first rehab age 15 via the courts I hit puberty and went completely crazy, voices in my head, rage and fear was all i knew. In there some counsellor filled me up with rhohypnol et al and had his way. The guy who ran the place was getting baked every night he got caught eventually. i tried but how the hell's a kid gonna get clean in that dysfunctional pit. They recommended jail and so, age 15 I find myself in a yard full of men playing scrag with the white ball - me.

I avoided trying to get clean for a long while after that.

I barely started my story but I gotta stop already. I'm gonna take this shambles of a life and turn it right around, I deserve far more than I've been dealt and I plan to get it. After a few months up I'll get back on stage, next year I start a doctorate.

In my addiction over the years i've done some pretty ****** things myself, but made amends for most of it last time round so I'm carrying a lot less garbage than one might expect of a newcomer (plus the ongoing counselling and ability to be honest with my sister). I'm actually feeling blessed, I have support, i know how to stop, and i already know relief will come.

Weed cannot have me anymore, and these tears, at least they're real.

Blessings to all. Thank you for being here.

Hi Auckland, thanks for sharing. Wishing you good luck getting through the early days. Sounds like you had a good chunk of clean time, so you know it ain't easy, but that it can be done. Blessings to you!

Hi Auckland Addict - because you had two similar threads, with replies, I merged them both here

D

Thank you Dee. I was having trouble loading pages the intent was only the one post. I thought there might be a 'ghost file' out there someplace...

Made the meeting. It was good it was filled with many sad and sorry newcomers from an institution and their stories just reminded me what I have in store if I don't stay the course.

Tonight I'll relax but tomorrow I have determined to spend at least 1 hour cleaning my flat. If I do that every day till it's done I won't get overwhelmed but also wont feel useless. A friend used to say messy flat messy head - so now he's in the freezer :D Kidding!

Addicts really make me laugh. I've stopped smoking cigarettes last new years and taken up a vaporising thingy. I had no idea of typical consumption or anything but I use 30 mL e-juice a month. At the meeting the guys all got these HUGE things like mini petrol bowsers and they're hitting them hard. I get in a conversation, one guy knows a guy who knows a guy, they buy their e-juice in bulk, and they each use around 500 mL per month. WHAT was my reaction....

They explained they use lower strength liquid. I do the maths for them, since they've 'cut down' in strength and gone up in volume they've increased their nicotine consumption by 2.5 times. LOL - "we're giving up".

We love each other back to health, and here, we laugh each other back too.

Thanks for the feedback people. It's most appreciated.

Day 3. Itchy and twitchy, sweaty then clammy cold. Par for the course.

I have avoided housework and to do so have begun doing my research. I'm happy to do my research when it involves not doing housework. I am obviously still an emotional child but who cares - I have just learned how to trick myself into doing my research.

Went to a lunch meeting. Got asked to share and talked about how I learned to do my research and how I got the sweats and smell like a wet chicken. It's good to laugh at myself. It's been a while it was all so serious and bleak in my head. I am a master of deception, life is awesome. ;)

Ah, you've reached the "wet chicken" phase of pot withdrawal. That's a good sign, means you're cleaning out. Keep it up!

Hehe. So thirsty! I've a fondness for milk I got some in and have drunk some when thirst hits just noticed 2 litres gone in one evening. Better be careful there's plenty of calories in that fluid. As a smoker I barely ate - the milk and sugar in tea largely sustained me. Still not much of an appetite but I am eating.

Planned to go to a mens meeting this evening but fell asleep after eating. Drifting in and out of Star Trek playing on the computer lots of epic orchestral movements and lasers for a lullaby. Bahaaa! Didn't matter how much pot I smoked I'm still a geek - Jay and Silent Bob lied!

Been a bit concerned about my research getting completed on time then I remember, I used to run a monthly paper and do all the work in 3 days except for selling the advertising as that involved drinking with the locals. I sometimes wonder if I enlarged that publication just so I could sell more ads haha. My project will be fine a bit of a slow period as I adjust to being clean is a small sacrifice to totally overhaul the big picture.

I feel like I've finally found my voice. That now I have removed the last of the psyche stuff that held me back all I had to do was stop smoking and voila - there I am.

The difference is day and night.

Broken sleep patterns. I don't care. More par for the course.

What concerns me is I wake up cursing. It's typically a politician or someone else deserving of such accolades but I'd like to wake up still, or at least positive, that'd be nice. It's like the remnants of rage and fear are still in there somewhere, hopefully being processed out in my dreams. If it carries on after 90 days I'll go seek help on the subject. Am I still full of resentment? Any experience with this type thing from others would be appreciated.

Luckily I also wake with some presence of mind. I immediately go into gratitude mode and allow myself to feel happiness, allow myself to feel love.

The dishes got done (well, half of them). Didn't think about it found myself doing them. The reading for research is particularly hard (to focus), but I take notes and I'll be ok.

I think this thread is more of a newcomers diary, and possibly in the wrong place, thoughts Dee?

Have a wonderful day people. I'm off to my old home group, there will be hugs, laughter, cake and coffee.

I think it fits here, just fine...altho feedback will always be less in a smaller forum like this.

I had a lot of anger and rage too...it didn't last, but it was there for a few weeks.

Took a look at some old posts. you supported me on my last journey Dee. You are awesome I'm so very grateful for your service.

I notice there's been a timewarp again, one day I'll have a rough timeline/thread to my life, not today it's a jumble of overlapping short stories and sagas.

I'm nowhere near as mad as I used to be! I didn't drag a relationship addiction in with me this time. No more co-dependant nonsense, can't stand it these days. That was harder to come off than drugs, that relationship.

I'd completely forgotten I'd started looking into physics/spirituality back then. Will be able to pick up where I left off.

As I've been having sweats etc my wardrobe is rapidly running out (but I have started on the laundry pile). I'm off to my old homegroup in some raggedy assed old 70's Beverly Hills T-shirt, bell bottom jeans - haha, put some cheap tennis shoes and my glasses on, muss up hair - Hipster!

LOL! Hipster or Homeless - It's a parents choice.

I was so feral, it's nice to have rudimentary grooming back.

Today threw me for a six. But I'm home and I'm safe. I made a dentists appointment after the meeting I've had toothache for so long it'd almost become just background noise but as I clean up it is really coming into focus, especially when I eat.

But Dentists and PTSD are not a good combo. Stress levels went through the roof started getting crazy jumpy and nervous just got myself home it was all I could do. I've made the appointment for morning at a place close to home, there's a meeting a couple hours after I'm done at the dentists.

I wonder now if I've been medicating/avoiding recovery the past year or so just to avoid the dentists. The last appointment was THAT bad. That butcher would have been right at home working Guantanamo Bay.

The PTSD flaring gave me a case of Tourettes. I don't know if I invented any new cuss words but I sure came up with some creative combos of the originals. Am a bit better now, though my hearing is high tuned I can hear people all down the street but at least I'm not jumping out of my skin I was pretty dicey a few hours ago.

So yeah, although the core issues concerning how I got PTSD are dealt with, there are still triggers that set it off. Not many, but obviously the Dentists is one. I'm very grateful it's abating already. The last flare up took months to resolve.

I notice too that men play-fighting/throwing jabs how they like to do with each other it's threatening to me despite having nothing to do with me my jaw tightens palms sweat, like there's an actual threat when there's none.

I'm going to see if a treatment center I attended many years back will allow me to come in for some belated aftercare, they're the most professional bunch around and I'm a bit more of a unit than I thought.

4 days. 4 eons. 4 minutes. Time is very warped right now.

I'm going to ask the Dentist to give me gas, this is no relapse I never did like nos or amyl but it's a hella lot better option that having me present to it I just aint ready to be that brave.

Recovery's enough bravery for now.

Nervous wreck, still here.

Note to self: Get support network for stressful situations.

It's half an hour till dentist's. I've been sitting in the bath in tears I'm an absolute wreck. But all I wanna do is get it over with and make it to that meeting. The chair knows my story as we did Hospital/institutions service together last time I'd cleaned up and he's offered support I just thought it silly it's you know - just the Dentists.

I know better now. I'll survive this the drama is all in my head but all that past trauma was very real. I look in the mirror my face is a criss cross of scars, I wonder what the hell my heart looks like.

There's a limit to human endurance and it is well beyond what I am experiencing right now. My mind is trying to protect me but it is a broken security track. I'mma kick that (metaphorical) security guard in the nuts and go over the wall. I'll just get some help before I do. Might need a ladder.

I hope it all goes way better than you're expecting, AA :)

D

I filled my ears with tears. I lay there my whole body trembling able only to concentrate on breathing. The Dr was very good, hard to believe she's in the same profession as the last fool who got near me. PTSD very high, every sound is sharp, scary, grating. Road rage, very hard to contain. People cutting cue in store, tore them a new one scared the bejeezus out of them and thoroughly enjoyed it, am very very angry - at ?????? I know it's wrong but having felt powerless, so powerless, putting some rude sods in their place aint gonna break the spiritual bank :D

Those rotten teeth are gone now. Well, the worst offenders at least. I studied the gut microbiota for some time and despite a load of knowledge still allowed myself to be slowly poisoned by my teeth. There was a fungus in the root of one tooth - this is professionally fascinating, but disturbing to let myself get that bad. There's still some work to do but now I have a dentist who is not a butcher, and am well aware I should bring support, it'll get done.

In the meeting I said - if you're out there and you aren't drinking/using then perhaps you're not paying attention. The world's ****** up. But I don't want to be part of that greedy self-serving rat-race no more. There's a better way.

Bad teeth can realise bring your whole body don, that's for usre.

Generally tho, I feel a lot more kindly disposed to the world and more hopeful for the future as a non drinker and drug user? :)

D

Yes. Agreed. Cleaning up allows me to soften up/lighten up on my fellow man and I begin to enjoy people again. I'm not so anti-social as I'm sounding, it's the PTSD - the world seems very unfriendly, it's awful. It's also abating.

There's a limit to how much ice cream a man can take before he starts getting sick of ice cream

It's about 2 litres :D

Woke up without pain. It's been a long time. I really must be a bit nuts to put up with that for so long. I've been lying in bed reviewing papers. I am calm. it feels familiar but also slightly alien.

No meeting today I'll instead be going to a (specifically for 12 step travellers) meditation group. The first time in my life I ever had the thought 'it's going to be ok' was during a meditation session in early recovery last time.

If I'm not going to meditation in a specific day I will be going to a meeting. Sanity is precious. I'm gonna hold onto it as best I can.

Progress is progress. Each day sober is a step in the right direction. Good on ya for getting to the dentist. A few years back it took chipping my front tooth to get me in to see one and I've been back regularly for cleaning and fixes. So in a way it was a good thing I chipped it, at least I got back on track:-)