racingthoughts

Title says it all. I won't go into explicit details as to how I justified this to myself (lots of cravings), but I relapsed about a week ago. It was late at night and I was already tired, but I hit my friends bowl a couple times, got ridiculously high, and went to bed within 45 minutes.

Felt pretty guilty the next day, but decided to move on. The urge to smoke wasn't any stronger than it had been before, and I almost felt as if I had gotten it out of my system so to speak. Tried not to think about the 6 and a half months I had just blown.

Then I smoked again two nights ago. I had had a rough day, and since my clock had reset, it almost felt like I had nothing to stay sober for.

Didn't feel bad yesterday. Spent the day telling myself all the ways I could moderate my weed consumption from here on out. Today though, I've been down in the dumps and filled with regret about it. I know something's not working. I hadn't changed my life much before my relapse at all. I think I might be depressed or have some anxiety condition or something, because all I do is my work and then have no energy or motivation to get involved with anything else.

This is a nightmare.

Dee74

You have a million things to stay sober for RT.

I think you need to look at your lifestyle - work is fine but you need a little play in there as well. Balance is important -vital even.

I spent years working so hard that knocking my self out was the only way I had to relax. That's a ridiculous scenario to be in.

If you feel there's a medical issue like depression too, do see your Dr

For now tho -dump the stuff. You know how easy it would be to fall back in and lose a year or two.

You're better than that, man.

D

happycampers

We're here for you RT ! Everything is going to be OK. Please don't add more suffering to the situation by beating yourself up. It truly is OK -you didn't die, kill anyone or stay out for weeks. You're Here ! That says a lot. You just had a slip and it happens to most people. It's a normal step, as long as you don't compound it by adding on more unnecessary suffering( beating yourself up) or weeks and weeks of smoking. Just get back on the horse again and figure out what you can add to your daily life to support you. Maybe an anti-depressant for a short period may help. Maybe more exercise or fresh air activities? Do you still really want to quit or do you want to try to moderate ? What does your heart tell you ? I'm here and will stay if you want to talk back and forth. Everything is going to be OK, RT - don't lose sight of that !

happycampers

You 've blown the last six months -is that REALLY true, RT? Really?

happycampers

I can only share my experience when I "slipped". I too was really down in the dumps and full of regret and disappointment in myself. That told me that my head wanted to because I started to believe the subtle thoughts that were calling me to use, yet the disappointment and regret came from my heart because it knew that I really do want to be free of this crap. It's so sneaky pot is and the thoughts it produces can sound pretty appealing, especially at weak moments - ie. Tired, stressed, bored,etc. But my heart always stays the same - Brenda, you don't need that stuff. Stay on track . Let this pass. Then it became a battle of which one I listened to. A couple of times, the head won, but The guilt and remorse let me know to get right back on the horse and keep riding. Nothing was lost as long as I got right back on and didn't let it become an excuse to just give up and smoke my face off now for the next number of weeks. Success is never a straight line-just hold on to the destination. You'll get there RT IF you truly want to -I know you can !

racingthoughts

No, I don't think that's true happy, I don't think 6 months is gone, it's just what I told myself a couple nights ago when I smoked the second time. I honestly don't know what I want at this point to be honest. Part of me wants to be back on the horse. Part of me is tired of staying on it and doesn't want to go back. To be honest, when I stopped initially, my intentions weren't to be clean forever. I wanted to take a break, and then the withdrawal ended up being so horrible that I never wanted to do it again. When I first slipped, I decided that my break had been long enough. It's all stupid justifications. I'm not going to lie, I'm tempted to try to moderate because now I know what happens when I smoke every day now, but I also don't want to be back here in another six months truly starting over again. I'm just exhausted at this point.

The reason I crashed though was that I had been on the verge of relapsing for about a month. I didn't understand what was happening. I was craving day in and day out at 6 FRIGGIN MONTHS! When does that **** end? It was starting to seriously depress me.

Dee74

For what it's worth I didn't just lay down the weed one time and never smoke again. I went back to smoking many times.

it's not a repudiation of all you've done, or all you've accomplished.

If your life is work sleep work sleep, it makes sense you were craving. From your posts I don't think you were craving for the whole 6 months tho - that might be a little AV working on you.

I had to build a sober life I loved - that times a little time and a little dedication.

You simply need to tweak you recovery plan a little and, like I said, get some balance in there RT

D

racingthoughts

Thanks Dee, I'm not saying that I was craving every day for the entirety of my sobriety, but the few weeks before I slipped, I just about was. It felt like I was regressing. I know, the plan needs tweaking. I'm thinking about looking into a therapist or something this week.

happycampers

Well, my suggestion for what it's worth would be to not smoke for at least a few days and really think about what you truly want. Ask yourself if you think you can truly moderate and not fall back into the hole and sit with that question for a few days. Give that question some space and time and see what your gut tells you is the right answer.for you. Like you said , you only planned to take a break and that may be why the cravings never ended - you AV knew it could get you one day because the door wasn't fully closed.

Dee74

Sorry RT - I read 'for' instead of 'at'
the work sleep thing and a need for balance still applies tho I think

D

happycampers

Did you ever find some other hobbies or interests that jazzed you,RT? For me, having smoking friends around me is not an option right now -I know I would be tempted. I have a friend coming in five weeks who smokes and I have already said that I am going to tell him I have quit and ask him to smoke outside. thankfully, he's only here for a day or two.

racingthoughts

Happy-That's what I told myself the first time I smoked about 9 days ago. I went another week without smoking and decided that I wanted to moderate. Then I smoked, and here I am now, sober and wanting to be either high or where I was before I slipped at all. Thinking back to what might have triggered my cravings, I'm actually starting to have some ideas. I haven't really shared this much here, but about a month before I caved nine days ago I decided I wanted to be 100% clean of mind altering substances. I had been drinking before in my recovery from weed (not really excessively, just a normal amount) and did shrooms once a few months ago back in january. Maybe the cravings were a manifestation of my body just wanting "something, anything". Another thought is that my roommate began smoking again a couple months ago. Maybe the lingering pot smoke in my apartment was getting into my system or something and causing it. Idk, just an idea. Luckily, he's smoking almost entirely outside now since it's gotten warmer. Whatever, it's all water under the bridge at this point. You're right, I need to step back and evaluate where I am.

racingthoughts

Nothing new. I love outdoor activities, especially whitewater kayaking which I've done for 8 years. Unfortunately, I go to school in Indiana where I'm unable to do this. Also, the kayaking culture is much like the snowboarding/skiing culture, lots of weed. With that being said, I did go do this for about 5 days over my spring break and I didn't crave much at all. It was one of the only times since I quit where I felt truly happy. I know, I have to find something else. You and Dee are both right. I just have no idea what that is. I live in a college town where everybody's recreation is getting high and drunk.

Dee74

I lived in a similar kind of town for a while. I got sober there and found a lot to do and a lot of sober people too.

Don't give up RT

D

happycampers

That's a tough environment, RT !!!!

happycampers

I would try and stay away from the smokers and smell for a few days and truly contemplate what you want your future to look like,RT.

racingthoughts

I know, it's just hard seeing as how I live with one. I'm not trying to blame anyone but myself, but my location has definitely played a factor in this whole ordeal. I'm only going to be here for another year or so and so it's so easy to say, "sober up when you leave, it's impossible to do here". Also gets annoying being the guy who's not down to party anymore when I used to be the first one to suggest it.

happycampers

From my experience, I know I have to stay away from alcohol even though I'm not much of a drinker, but I observed a few times when I did have a King Can (2 beers) , I started to crave for my true desire -pot, so I realized I had to quit drinking for some months .
And again for me, I couldn't have a roommate who smoked all the time - that would be a way too hard for me to resist.

happycampers

Can you find a sober roommate ? Do you know one ? Could you afford to live on your own , even if it's just a small place ? Are any of these possible ?

racingthoughts

No. Already signed a lease for next year with him (this was before he started smoking again). I have a few sober(ish) friends who live like 100 yards from my apartment who I hang out with a lot, but I wouldn't be able to live with them. Kinda stuck and it sucks.