happycampers

You're never stuck -just got to think creatively. Maybe you can explain to your roommate that you really want to stay clean and that it's impossible to do so living in a smoke full environment -nothing personal - and that maybe you and he could find a new roommate for him and take over your spot -of course that's assuming you really want to stay clean , which I think is the first thing to figure out. If so, then I think he would understand if he's a real friend and you could look for a better environment that supports you. Possible ???

happycampers

Give yourself a few days to chill and contemplate, RT. Then, hopefully after a few days, your heart and head will come to an agreement that you can commit to. We'll be here !

racingthoughts

The smoke in the house thing isn't that big of an issue. It's more just knowing that he has it if I want it. I lived with him last year too, and there were times when he asked me not to smoke in the house and I told him that I had a right to and all that addict BS. Telling him no isn't really an option. If there's one thing I'm learning from all this, it's that I've been using weed to self-medicate. I'm going to try and get some help this week. I think that's a good first step. I'm not going to lie, if I knew for a fact that I could smoke in moderation, I would. I don't know if that's possible though. I'd rather be completely clean over smoking moderately and white knuckling it in between highs. We shall see.

Another note, I've been taking L Theanine a lot throughout this whole process which is meant to reduce stress and anxiety. Whenever I take it, I'm relaxed and have no urge to use any type of drug. This is why I think I've been self-medicating. In the two times I've slipped, I haven't taken it.

happycampers

Good morning,RT ! I have one suggestion that really helped me . It's a book called " Kick The Drink .... Easily !" By Jason Vale. I know it says it's about alcohol, but really it's about addiction , period. It had some powerful concepts that have stuck with me and really supported my decision to free myself of this drug scurge. I hope you have a better day, today. Happy Easter - great day to resurrect your new plan for success and happiness!

racingthoughts

Thanks for the suggestion happy, I'll check it out.

I had some trouble sleeping last night, but started trying to look at this situation further. The bottom line is simple, I want to be happy. Me smoking was the result of being unsatisfied and unhappy with quitting at 6+ months in, being left with boredom, anxiety, depression, and insomnia, which all manifested into cravings. This is where the AV came in and tried to remind me of how "happy" I was when I was smoking. Truthfully, earlier in my smoking career, weed did bring me happiness, even if it was fake chemical happiness. Later though, it went from being recreational to something I needed alongside food and water. The AV is very good at making one forget this sort of thing. It's actually kind of amazing in the way it does this.

I think I need to tackle the root issues that lead me back to smoking. Weed didn't cause all my issues, it just helped me distract myself from them for a while. I know it takes a while to recover, but the fact that all of these things were still present at half a year in is very telling to me.

This idea of smoking in moderation that I've been toying with doesn't make a lot of sense. Smoking in moderation is something people do when they're using weed for recreational purposes, not when they're self-medicating. Idk, it's still tough though as the solution hasn't fallen into my hands yet or anything.

Take care. Thanks a ton.

happycampers

Great observations, Rt! You'll find your way, I have no doubt. Keep moving forward, you're doing fine.

wackybunny

Geepers. This forum sure has been busy. I take one weekend off to deliver eggs to everyone (exhausting work, hope you like the chocolate) and apparently missed all this.

Sorry to hear you've been smoking RT but I'm not shocked because you had mentioned having cravings. I agree with Happy and Dee, lots of great points there.

You probably do need to find some fun. I remember once when I was a workaholic and I had forgotten to take time out for fun. I even forgot what I liked to do for fun, what made me excited and made me laugh. Then I went to Hawaii and learned to snorkel and a surf and remembered what fun was. Maybe you can plan something to look forward to? An adventure that must be prepared/trained for?

Seing a counsellor sounds like a good idea too. I don't think you were happy on weed. Otherwise why would you have come here and tried so hard to quit? It's just something we tell ourselves. I've done it and sometimes still do. I sometimes feel like I was much funnier and zanier when I was a stoner. I think a bit of daily withdrawal gave me a buzzy edge that I've lost now I'm all even keel. There are a few things about being a stoner that I would like to import into my non-stoner life but I can't. There's no way those things are worth the rest of the crap that comes with being addicted. Hopefully a counsellor will help you find a healthy way to be at peace with yourself. No-one can be happy all the time but it sounds like it's more than just a blue period for you.

I know that I fought my way into healthy thinking. I had a rough childhood and I needed to work a lot of stuff out. I changed my situation by leaving a place which was unhealthy for me. I travelled, bonded with friends with similar experiences, went to counselling, tried things like holotropic breath work, did two ten day Vipassana meditation courses (very helpful!), wrote in my diary every day, cried, took lots of classes in things that interested me, volunteered, went on lots of challenging adventures.... So many things that added together gave me great insight into myself and what made me "happy". It's all part of growing up too. Being happy is a process I think, not something that one just has or does not have. Every time I settle for too long, I need to reexamine things and find something new to fulfill my needs. I think you'll do fine because you have a good mind for it. Weed is not the answer, you know that.

wackybunny

Ps. I have been to Indiana about eight times. I'm pretty outdoorsy so that's what I look for. Last time I went we camped near out some caves which I thought were really cool. It was last Oct and we were the only ones in a tent but the cold didn't bother us, we just enjoyed the campfires more. Also, I loved canoeing and camping on a gorgeous river (can't remember which). There was the death defying mule ride that one time... If I wasn't so afraid of heights I would have done the Louisville Mega Cavern zipline course. It's completely underground. I've done something similar here but could only manage the first level. I loved the obstacles and zips when I was only 20ft high. If only they had a whole course low to the ground.

racingthoughts

Sounds awesome WB. The state's a little flat for my liking, but oh well. I have heard a bit about caves around. I've gone spelunking a couple times in the past and loved it so maybe that's something to look into?

racingthoughts

All i can say is damn. I smoked again last night. I would give a reason why, but I don't even know. It probably has something to do with me being a drug addict. So now this marks 4 times smoking since my initial relapse, with each period in between highs getting shorter and shorter. Good news is that I haven't smoked today, so at the end of day 1 (god I'm kicking myself for being back here). Honestly, I wouldn't call what I'm feeling right now withdrawal exactly, but kind of. Feel really down, really anxious, foggy-headed, and for the first time since I relapsed, I'm truly craving weed. I didn't have horrible anxiety when I smoked last night, it was enjoyable, and this was obviously a bad sign. Well ****, it definitely didn't take long for the monster to get re-awakened. I could have shut it up after the first time or two slipping, but now I feel like I've crossed a line.

Any thought of moderation can go to hell. This is just misery. At least I know now. Feel so damn guilty. Losing my sobriety's been like losing a friend. I wish I could run away somewhere without weed in sight, but unfortunately it's down in my living room (not mine, roommate's, but still). One thing I'm finding is that the more times I say yes, the easier saying yes becomes.

Anyways, end of my moan. Day 2 tomorrow (counting days again). I'm going to keep hanging in there everyone.

racingthoughts

I'm just facing the classic addict dilemma I guess. I feel horrible and swear off everything, then as soon as I feel good, I start wanting it again. Insane right? I think that's what lead to me smoking the first time a couple weeks ago. Starting to actually level out and feel okay physically.

Dee74

You're going to have to face the problem of it being in your face RT.

D

happycampers

Sorry to hear,RT, but you can do this ! I totally agree with Dee -your living arrangement is not going to work if you want to stay clean for good. And having some non-smoking friends to hang with , where you're doing things without getting all buzzed up on something would really help. Environment is SO critical to a lot of success or failure in life . You've got some figuring to do, RT, but you can do it !

happycampers

I Meant to say environment AND the people you choose to hang out with will pretty much determine how far off the path you'll go on your journey here. Choose wisely, RT. I'd had to confront these areas too lately and had to make some changes and let some people go who were only going to drag me away from MY desired path. It's tough to let go , but sometimes , it's the only way to move forward instead of getting stuck AGAIN and AGAIN !

wackybunny

I'm sure I would fall back into it just as easily. I've had to keep at least my home clear of weed. When I first joined here there was another girl, DG, who managed to quit while living with a boyfriend who smoked it all day. Her thread was called no more wake and bake. You quit before with it around you. It's not impossible to do but it would be harder. It's up to you what you do. You've seen both sides. You've seen how a few innocent tokes can lead you right past moderation to where you were before, quickly. Those same old gotta have it feelings resurface like they were never gone.

happycampers

But it didn't sound like RT was having a very good time of it at six months, WB , and I personally think it was greatly affected by the environment /people he was surrounded by. Yes, It's not impossible to quit while being around it, but for me, I think I would be reminded or feel like I was the odd man out and therefore "missing " something. When it "looks like" everyone around you is laughing and joking around while they are high, then you're left feeling " WTH, I want some of that "fun" too! " . Put a beer or two on top to compensate and before you know it, your defences are down and it's "hell with it -give me a toke" ! That's just how I see it for me anyways.
In that book I recommended the other day,RT , one of the things it said was that it's easy to STAY stopped once you fully realize that there are NO benefits to pot and that Life is infinitely more enjoyable without that stuff. Until then, you're just white-knuckling it and never settled because you believe that you're " missing out " on something.

racingthoughts

I know. I didn't anticipate the challenge my environment would become. When I first quit initially, my roommate wasn't smoking. He didn't start again until February when I was already 5 months grounded in my sobriety. It was annoying but not that big of a deal. I wasn't even home when I initially relapsed. Now that I have though and it's much easier to say yes, it's a lot harder to deal with. The good news is that he's going home for the summer in about a month. The bad news is that that's still a month away. I'm not saying that I'm going to wait until summer to try and quit, but it should be much easier to stay away then. I suppose I could ask my roommate to not smoke me out on his weed, but I don't know how that would go over. He's always thought that I've blown my problem out of proportion and he probably doesn't mind someone smoking alongside him to make himself feel better about his own usage.

I do have a few friends who are sober 90% of the time that live close by which is good. It's just that we're all so busy during the week and they often go home on the weekends which makes it a struggle to be around them more. I think the bottom line is that I need to incorporate myself into something meaningful that gets me out of the house more. I've also made an appointment to see a counselor which is a start.

Thanks as always for the meaningful advice everyone.

happycampers

Really great you're going to see a counsellor - hopefully, they are a good one and have a full understanding / experience dealing with addiction. How long is the summer break. For, RT? What changes have you seen your roommate since he has gone back to pot, RT ?

happycampers

You know RT, I just had a thought that I wanted to share. I tell myself that I know I probably would enjoy myself with the first few tokes, especially after being quit for awhile, but I also know that I'll be back in chitville within a week then !( that has been my experience when I relapsed). So, what do I want ? A hour of " pleasant feelings " just to end up in chitville again ? And for how long, this time ? Is that hour really worth hell again ? When do I free my mind to move on to other things instead of being consumed with this constant battle of smoking, not smoking and in between withdrawals and struggling? When do I free all that time, energy and brain power for something bigger ?

racingthoughts

You're right happy. The mental of debate of "do I smoke" "I shouldn't smoke" really is exhausting. It was one of my major initial reasons to quit. Being sober when you're just thinking about drugs isn't really being sober. I think this is what lead me to relapse. I forgot about weed for a while, thought I had beaten it, and then I started just thinking about it and wanting it all the time.

Idk if I'm in chitville yet, but I'll probably be there soon if I don't get it together. Felt like it last night, but I've actually been feeling pretty good today. Hopefully it stays this way because at the moment, I have no real urge to smoke.

Summer is May 9th-late August. I'm going home for a month (which will be a challenge not smoking wise as it always is), but am then coming back to school for June and July. In terms of my roommate, any changes have been pretty subtle. This is probably why me smoking didn't seem like that bad of an idea. I don't think he has the addictive personality I do though. With that being said, he did smoke at like 9 this morning, so maybe he does.

Anyways, got my meeting with a counselor tomorrow, and apparently her name is Mary Jane. I'm not even kidding, the irony is killing me. Sorry, I just had to share that. Hopefully it goes well.