Marijuana addict husband
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 317
Marijuana addict husband
I have been married for 18 years to a man who has heavily used marijuana since he was 15. With legalization, his use increased to wake-and-bake, all-day-long status. At the beginning of our relationship, the overriding concern to me was his drinking and not the pot because he was much nicer and sweeter high than drunk. He did stop drinking but not smoking. I actually cringe that I'm writing that. Long story short, at the ripe age of 68 and after a year and a half of working on myself, it has become evident to me that many of the problems in our marriage - lack of emotional intimacy, no sex, moodiness, emotional immaturity of a teenager when he's 61, etc - are a direct result of his addiction as well as his rather turbulent childhood and adolescence in a dysfunctional family. I understand that he smoked to cope, but only recently (duh) have I come to the conclusion that he has never known how to cope without it. I know I don't want to spend the rest of my life in a marriage like this - lonely and sometimes verbally abusive- but I am trying to summon up the courage to tell him that and give him a chance to choose to get help, but also the courage to end what will be my second marriage if he just chooses to continue in his addiction. So, my friends, what did you say to your addict spouse about getting help and what did you do for yourself to strengthen yourself to end an untenable situation. Thanks for listening!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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Hi Branches 
I was an MJ addict so my experience comes from the other side. I was also unmarried and single by the end burned through two relationships (no pun intended).
I'd avoid ultimatiums:
its an old thread but probably worth reading?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ultimatum.html (Do I give an ultimatum?)
D
I was an MJ addict so my experience comes from the other side. I was also unmarried and single by the end burned through two relationships (no pun intended).
I'd avoid ultimatiums:
Originally Posted by CarryOn
You will know what is best for your individual situation, but an ultimatum will not be effective unless you are fully prepared to enforce it. When you fail to enforce this, you teach the A they do not have to take you seriously. What may be easier to start with is to set boundaries for yourself. I think of this as my personal security system - the things I will do to protect myself from being hurt. I can tell someone the boundaries are there or not, and I can change them if I feel it is necessary. For example, when RAH was drinking, I would not ride in a car if he had been drinking - I would drive myself or find another ride; I would not talk with my husband if he had four or more drinks as it would result in an argument and leave me upset - this is one I did have to tell him; I would not hang out in the same area of the house when he was drinking - I would busy myself elsewhere or leave the house, etc. Eventually, my boundary became "I will not live with an active alcoholic" so I told RAH when he returned from his next work trip he would have to find somewhere else to stay....
Originally Posted by CarryOn
You can also consult with an attorney about your options. The first consultation is usually free and does not mean that you actually have to use their services. They can give you information on your situation & the applicable laws in your area, including protective orders, separation, child/spousal support, etc. Think of it as fact finding. Additional resources may be a counselor, a pastor or priest in your church if you have one you are comfortable with, and Domestic Violence hotline or center in your area.
Most importantly, you need to focus on yourself & your children right now. Take care of your immediate needs and try to find ways to enjoy yourself whenever possible. Alcoholism is your A's problem - not yours. You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, you cannot Cure it (the three C's).
Most importantly, you need to focus on yourself & your children right now. Take care of your immediate needs and try to find ways to enjoy yourself whenever possible. Alcoholism is your A's problem - not yours. You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, you cannot Cure it (the three C's).
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ultimatum.html (Do I give an ultimatum?)
D
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 317
Thank you for the clarity. I read all the recommended posts. I can see I have some work to do on myself to have the courage and value myself to say "This situation is not healthy FOR ME. I deserve better than to daily endure a dysfunctional marriage with an addict. In my reading I have seen many spouses post "I love him/her and I don't want to divorce him/her," and that is something I struggle with, especially at my age and with a second marriage.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,470
I can undertand how hard it is to make difficult choices.
I know you'll find support here - for me, almost your age, I think its never too late to start writing the rest of your life story that you want to live, Branches
D
I know you'll find support here - for me, almost your age, I think its never too late to start writing the rest of your life story that you want to live, Branches
D
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Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 134
Hello Branches,
I'm not sure how helpful I can be, but I'd like to assure you that it is common for marriages among people in their 60's to have problems of intimacy, both physical and emotional. Men in their 60's particularly have issues regarding sexual intimacy, for a variety of reasons including depression (not uncommon) , addiction, as well as erectile dysfunction which is also common and causes men to avoid sex with their wives entirely. Except they won't say why. I am in my 60's and I have friend with husbands who sleep now in separate beds or husbands who have not been physically intimate with them for years. The men's problems are related to medications (gabapentin for chronic pain, anti-depressants which affect libido for example) and dry drunk syndrome ( depression, constant irritability, and distancing). And of course, active alcohol or drug addiction blows up everything.
You say you have been working on yourself for the last year and a half, which is key to your post. This is exactly what both men and women in their 60's need to do, and many avoid it. Many distract themselves with spending, partying, affairs, or a lazy-boy and football. But with the householder stage behind us, with parenting behind us, with career building behind us, this is when our spiritual life should begin to be of much greater importance. Who have we been and who are we now?
I am unmarried now, so I cannot offer personal experience relating to your situation. What I can say is that, having grown over the years, I am far less willing to twist myself into a person someone wants me to be, and far more willing to be who I truly am. And more willing to let go of people who make me feel bad about myself. I have let go of the need to please a man, especially, by pretending. I want an honest life. I don't want to die thinking I never got to be my true and unique self because I needed to appease a man, especially a man with a ****load of problems who was not willing to own them.
So I hope whatever you do, you will be as honest with yourself and with others as you can be. Accept others as they are and if necessary let them go.
I'm not sure how helpful I can be, but I'd like to assure you that it is common for marriages among people in their 60's to have problems of intimacy, both physical and emotional. Men in their 60's particularly have issues regarding sexual intimacy, for a variety of reasons including depression (not uncommon) , addiction, as well as erectile dysfunction which is also common and causes men to avoid sex with their wives entirely. Except they won't say why. I am in my 60's and I have friend with husbands who sleep now in separate beds or husbands who have not been physically intimate with them for years. The men's problems are related to medications (gabapentin for chronic pain, anti-depressants which affect libido for example) and dry drunk syndrome ( depression, constant irritability, and distancing). And of course, active alcohol or drug addiction blows up everything.
You say you have been working on yourself for the last year and a half, which is key to your post. This is exactly what both men and women in their 60's need to do, and many avoid it. Many distract themselves with spending, partying, affairs, or a lazy-boy and football. But with the householder stage behind us, with parenting behind us, with career building behind us, this is when our spiritual life should begin to be of much greater importance. Who have we been and who are we now?
I am unmarried now, so I cannot offer personal experience relating to your situation. What I can say is that, having grown over the years, I am far less willing to twist myself into a person someone wants me to be, and far more willing to be who I truly am. And more willing to let go of people who make me feel bad about myself. I have let go of the need to please a man, especially, by pretending. I want an honest life. I don't want to die thinking I never got to be my true and unique self because I needed to appease a man, especially a man with a ****load of problems who was not willing to own them.
So I hope whatever you do, you will be as honest with yourself and with others as you can be. Accept others as they are and if necessary let them go.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 317
Thank you for your encouraging and thoughtful response. I'm currently in "should-I-stay-or-should-I-go-C" process, to quote an old song. Coming on here and reading other people's posts and stories is giving me more clarity. Thanks for listening!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,530
Hello dear Branches 
s
I absolutely think it is worth having this conversation with your husband, no matter the outcome.
You are aware of your needs, and he needs to decide if he is going to be on board with you, or continue down the road he is on, mostly likely by himself. He needs to choose. And you need to know. s
Just my thoughts,
Venus xx
sI absolutely think it is worth having this conversation with your husband, no matter the outcome.
You are aware of your needs, and he needs to decide if he is going to be on board with you, or continue down the road he is on, mostly likely by himself. He needs to choose. And you need to know.
s Just my thoughts,
Venus xx
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
maturity stops at the age they start using
Hello. Sadly many of those issues are common among long term addicts/alkies with one being maturity stops at the age they started using. If he started using at 15 his maturity progress has been hampered since then. With legalization many conflate legal with safe and use politics to validate their personal choices. Hardcore pot use/abuse has side effects including pot psychosis and today's pot smokers are experiencing more issues than cigarette smokers(7-10 more particulate matter along with the other chemicals the dealers are putting in them). I've had or am having just as many issues with potheads as I've experienced with other addicts/alkies. Might have been the laugh and giggle drug 50 years ago but no more.
As noted I'd work on you ie divorce. Senior or decades long marriages ending in divorce not that uncommon now a days. I'd focus on your final decades not his. Remember the good times and chalk up the rest to experience. Still plenty of time to use it.
Good Luck. And stay safe.
As noted I'd work on you ie divorce. Senior or decades long marriages ending in divorce not that uncommon now a days. I'd focus on your final decades not his. Remember the good times and chalk up the rest to experience. Still plenty of time to use it.
Good Luck. And stay safe.
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