What happens when the enabler dies?
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Join Date: Jan 2024
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What happens when the enabler dies?
Hi, I'm new here. My mother enabled my brother to use drugs his entire life. She was terrified of the possibility of him becoming homeless, or not having a car, or not having a phone, or being hungry, or sick. So she paid everything for him; rent, bought cars, car insurance, utilities, health insurance, car insurance, bought his clothes, gave him money for gas, groceries, cigarettes, lawyers. You name it - she paid for it. My brother has worked off and on his whole life. But the money he earned was HIS money, to be spent on whatever HE wanted, which was never any of the things my mom was already paying for.
My mother passed away 2 weeks ago from cancer. I was her primary caregiver. My brother only called when she was sick to ask for gas money, or grocery money, or to ask if she was going to be able to pay his rent.
My mother left her home and auto myself and my brother. (No other siblings). I bought out his share of the auto before she died, so that he would have cash to operate on while she was actively dying. Six weeks ago, he received $7 K from me, and now he is breathing down my neck needing "the rest" of his inheritance. He can't pay his rent which is due tomorrow.
I should say, my brother is almost 62 years old. He has never had a bank account. He is currently not working, just doing small jobs.
I know that since my mother is gone, he will now try to manipulate me into taking her place. I am a married, retired grandmother, with absolutely no interest in having a relationship with a brother, who never called me or reached out to me when my mother was living. Now, he suddenly wants to talk every day.
I dread the storm that I know is coming. He has never been told NO, and unfortunately, he's about to hear it for the first time.
Asking for advice, insight, personal stories if you have been through this? Thanks.
My mother passed away 2 weeks ago from cancer. I was her primary caregiver. My brother only called when she was sick to ask for gas money, or grocery money, or to ask if she was going to be able to pay his rent.
My mother left her home and auto myself and my brother. (No other siblings). I bought out his share of the auto before she died, so that he would have cash to operate on while she was actively dying. Six weeks ago, he received $7 K from me, and now he is breathing down my neck needing "the rest" of his inheritance. He can't pay his rent which is due tomorrow.
I should say, my brother is almost 62 years old. He has never had a bank account. He is currently not working, just doing small jobs.
I know that since my mother is gone, he will now try to manipulate me into taking her place. I am a married, retired grandmother, with absolutely no interest in having a relationship with a brother, who never called me or reached out to me when my mother was living. Now, he suddenly wants to talk every day.
I dread the storm that I know is coming. He has never been told NO, and unfortunately, he's about to hear it for the first time.
Asking for advice, insight, personal stories if you have been through this? Thanks.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yeah, death with inheritances brings out the worst in family members.
I wouldn't want a "relationship" with him either.
I'd say get an attorney and insist on only communicating through the attorney, or by email. Set up a separate dedicated email ONLY for this purpose if you feel you can read his emails. I wouldn't even do that. He's going to be hateful and rant.
Otherwise, let the attorney handle it. The money spent will be well spent, and maybe your brother will realize he's spending his own inheritance every time he contacts the lawyer. Have the lawyer write him a hard copy letter laying out the Rules.
Then block him on your phone, email, and social media accounts. If he shows up at your house and you don't want him there, don't answer the door and tell him from behind a locked door that you don't want him coming to your house and if he returns you'll call the police. Don't talk to other family members or mutual friends about, "how he's doing." Just tell them to stay out of it! (Probably in a nicer way.
)
Obviously you'll want to settle the estate quickly.
I wouldn't want a "relationship" with him either.
I'd say get an attorney and insist on only communicating through the attorney, or by email. Set up a separate dedicated email ONLY for this purpose if you feel you can read his emails. I wouldn't even do that. He's going to be hateful and rant.
Otherwise, let the attorney handle it. The money spent will be well spent, and maybe your brother will realize he's spending his own inheritance every time he contacts the lawyer. Have the lawyer write him a hard copy letter laying out the Rules.
Then block him on your phone, email, and social media accounts. If he shows up at your house and you don't want him there, don't answer the door and tell him from behind a locked door that you don't want him coming to your house and if he returns you'll call the police. Don't talk to other family members or mutual friends about, "how he's doing." Just tell them to stay out of it! (Probably in a nicer way.
)Obviously you'll want to settle the estate quickly.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
I would agree, minimal contact or contact only through your lawyer.
It's awful the greed that is displayed when someone passes. Only interested in the money.
Im sure at 62 years of age he is in for a rude awakening, about living life, on lifes terms, without your mum there to look after him.
I certainly agree with keeping him as far away from you as possible, as he will attempt to latch onto you.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Take good care of you.
Much Love
Bute x
It's awful the greed that is displayed when someone passes. Only interested in the money.
Im sure at 62 years of age he is in for a rude awakening, about living life, on lifes terms, without your mum there to look after him.
I certainly agree with keeping him as far away from you as possible, as he will attempt to latch onto you.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Take good care of you.
Much Love
Bute x
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
This is more common than you think, I've seen it. Senior parents want to help their adult children but either won't accept or understand enabling. Older adult children addicts are just as bad as a teenager trying to manipulate, scam, fool parents.
As mentioned best bet if they really press the issue refer them to the estate lawyer. In most states the money can't be distributed to heirs until the estate is considered closed. Unless it is from an insurance policy or as a pre-designated beneficiary of a bank or brokerage account.
It probably wont end there. Several years later the addict is trying to get others to put them on their car insurance or use their address for cheaper auto insurance because of dwi's on record.
Good luck, stay safe!
As mentioned best bet if they really press the issue refer them to the estate lawyer. In most states the money can't be distributed to heirs until the estate is considered closed. Unless it is from an insurance policy or as a pre-designated beneficiary of a bank or brokerage account.
It probably wont end there. Several years later the addict is trying to get others to put them on their car insurance or use their address for cheaper auto insurance because of dwi's on record.
Good luck, stay safe!
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