How do I move on? Deal with the guilt?
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Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 4
How do I move on? Deal with the guilt?
My ex-boyfriend broke up with me 4 years ago and I continued to stay in his life because I was naive. He is an alcoholic now and I’m finally beginning to realize how much he has damaged me.
He was my first love and felt like my soulmate, in a lot of ways he still does. We were best friends before we dated and I was in love with him even then.
I was heartbroken when we broke up, I think I was codependent for a lot of the relationship and also just was dealing with my own traumas. He meant the world to me but I was 17, it was my first relationship, and my whole world was full of unhealthy ones. I made a lot of mistakes that hurt him, but at the same time he didn’t tell me I was hurting him. If I knew I was hurting him I never would’ve. And I know this is true because the times he did tell me I made sure to never do it again. I still have trouble forgiving myself for this though.
Fast forward to now: He drinks anywhere from 5-20 beers a night and is not the man I fell in love with or my best friend. I was arguing with him constantly, begging him to reply to me, treat me better, and every time he would blame me. He would say I cared too much, he didn’t want to be close to me because of how I was in highschool, he accused me of trying to control or change him, yet he would still call me late in the night sometimes even up to 20 times, want to have sex with me. I felt so guilty, like how he was treating me was my fault.
My therapist finally had me write down every bad thing he did to me and it was eye opening. (WARNING sexual assault mention) some of the many things he did included:
- hanging out with my r*pist knowing what he did to me
- letting his friends harass me, threaten to beat me up
- hanging up on me when i called him crying after my close friend was murdered
- shoving me, shaking me, or squeezing my wrist till it hurt while i had back injuries he knew about
- blaming the downfall of his mental state on me, sex with me, or talking to me
I finally realized that I shouldn’t be begging him to treat me with kindness and respect. I am actively sacrificing my mental state for him to bulldoze over me and convince me I don’t deserve better. And the part that sucks is he was never like this before he drank. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him, and every once in a while I still catch glimpses of the man I love.
I messaged him that the way he treated me is abnormal. that I love him and I remember who he is but I have to protect myself so long as he’s drinking. and I blocked him on all social media. I unfortunately forgot to block his number and I got texts saying that he’s disgusted, asking me “if all I want is attention?” It made me feel so guilty like as if I was wrong for cutting him off. that I was wrong and it was all my fault he is this way. That I ruined his life not the alcohol and drugs.
When I asked him why he would say that he told me that it doesn’t matter and to no longer contact him like as if I’m the one who was trying to reach out.
I feel so guilty for not trying harder but i’ve been trying for years to be there for him. He makes me feel so invalidated and alone like i’m the the crazy one. I don’t know what to do or what to say or how to move on. I miss him so badly and I wanted to help him. I wish he saw how much I care about him. I don’t know what to do. It makes me want to reach out and apologize and take blame but I refuse to because I am trying to put myself first.
Please help, any advice is welcome.
He was my first love and felt like my soulmate, in a lot of ways he still does. We were best friends before we dated and I was in love with him even then.
I was heartbroken when we broke up, I think I was codependent for a lot of the relationship and also just was dealing with my own traumas. He meant the world to me but I was 17, it was my first relationship, and my whole world was full of unhealthy ones. I made a lot of mistakes that hurt him, but at the same time he didn’t tell me I was hurting him. If I knew I was hurting him I never would’ve. And I know this is true because the times he did tell me I made sure to never do it again. I still have trouble forgiving myself for this though.
Fast forward to now: He drinks anywhere from 5-20 beers a night and is not the man I fell in love with or my best friend. I was arguing with him constantly, begging him to reply to me, treat me better, and every time he would blame me. He would say I cared too much, he didn’t want to be close to me because of how I was in highschool, he accused me of trying to control or change him, yet he would still call me late in the night sometimes even up to 20 times, want to have sex with me. I felt so guilty, like how he was treating me was my fault.
My therapist finally had me write down every bad thing he did to me and it was eye opening. (WARNING sexual assault mention) some of the many things he did included:
- hanging out with my r*pist knowing what he did to me
- letting his friends harass me, threaten to beat me up
- hanging up on me when i called him crying after my close friend was murdered
- shoving me, shaking me, or squeezing my wrist till it hurt while i had back injuries he knew about
- blaming the downfall of his mental state on me, sex with me, or talking to me
I finally realized that I shouldn’t be begging him to treat me with kindness and respect. I am actively sacrificing my mental state for him to bulldoze over me and convince me I don’t deserve better. And the part that sucks is he was never like this before he drank. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him, and every once in a while I still catch glimpses of the man I love.
I messaged him that the way he treated me is abnormal. that I love him and I remember who he is but I have to protect myself so long as he’s drinking. and I blocked him on all social media. I unfortunately forgot to block his number and I got texts saying that he’s disgusted, asking me “if all I want is attention?” It made me feel so guilty like as if I was wrong for cutting him off. that I was wrong and it was all my fault he is this way. That I ruined his life not the alcohol and drugs.
When I asked him why he would say that he told me that it doesn’t matter and to no longer contact him like as if I’m the one who was trying to reach out.
I feel so guilty for not trying harder but i’ve been trying for years to be there for him. He makes me feel so invalidated and alone like i’m the the crazy one. I don’t know what to do or what to say or how to move on. I miss him so badly and I wanted to help him. I wish he saw how much I care about him. I don’t know what to do. It makes me want to reach out and apologize and take blame but I refuse to because I am trying to put myself first.
Please help, any advice is welcome.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
RK2
Trying to be in a relationship with an addict is extremely destructive. From what you posted above this guy is very abusive & seems downright dangerous. I am guessing your still young. You should be enjoying your life not dealing with a crazy addict.
You cant help him or fix his problems. He cant save you. All you can do is save yourself. You have to completely distance yourself from this abusive addict BF. He brings nothing positive to your life. You dont have to explain anything to him. Your words will fall on def ears & a closed mind.
My best advise is to get away from him before he further abuses you mentally & physically..
Im sure you will get more resposes to your post. While your story is bad, SR forum members understand exactly what your going through.
Please take care
Trying to be in a relationship with an addict is extremely destructive. From what you posted above this guy is very abusive & seems downright dangerous. I am guessing your still young. You should be enjoying your life not dealing with a crazy addict.
You cant help him or fix his problems. He cant save you. All you can do is save yourself. You have to completely distance yourself from this abusive addict BF. He brings nothing positive to your life. You dont have to explain anything to him. Your words will fall on def ears & a closed mind.
My best advise is to get away from him before he further abuses you mentally & physically..
Im sure you will get more resposes to your post. While your story is bad, SR forum members understand exactly what your going through.
Please take care
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
"My best advise is to get away from him before he further abuses you mentally & physically.."
I would echo what HL states above. You have nothing to feel guilty about at all. Keep your distance from this man. He is not good for you. Don't give him any opportunity to hurt you further.
Big hug for you
Much Love
Bute x
I would echo what HL states above. You have nothing to feel guilty about at all. Keep your distance from this man. He is not good for you. Don't give him any opportunity to hurt you further.
Big hug for you
Much Love
Bute x
Member
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 8
I've been where you are my whole adult life. My two long term relationships (one marriage/divorce, one engagement) and it was that vicious rollercoaster ride of drugs, alcohol, codependency, trauma bonding, emotional, verbal, physical, financial abuse. You want to save them so badly, understand WHY so badly, how can they hurt me so badly when I have been unconditional in my love and loyalty?! 16 years later, I'm just now learning: it is the addiction, addiction cannot be controlled and it had nothing to do with love or treating loved ones fairly. Once I was able to separate the person and their addiction, it helped me start the process of separating myself from the aftermath of their addiction. I'm learning about not being codependent anymore, setting boundaries, being accountable for me, myself, my kids only; not enabling his addiction and damaging myself while doing so. I will pray for strength and clarity for all of us struggling with loving an addict. God bless ❤️
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