hopefor2020

First post here so thanks for having me.

After using for the last few years my partner finally got to the point where he had enough and went to rehab last week. He’s had a difficult first week, has struggled to keep his temper and has been sleeping lots.
I expected it to be difficult, being separated from the person you love is never going to be easy but it’s always being about the end for me and having a life together. Yet I’m struggling more than I thought I would.

I’m feeling angry that when he calls before he goes to sleep he can barely speak as he’s about to start snoring, angry that he is in there socialising and meeting people while I’m avoiding anyone due to covid and working alone in order to ensure he has a business to come home to. Jealous that while I have kept this very much to myself, only one friend knows about what is going on, he is spending hours in therapy dealing with his issues. And paranoid that when he returns home he won’t want a relationship anymore.

Yet then I feel furious with myself for feeling all of these negative emotions when the end result is something that I wanted for so long. That we have wanted for so long. I have reached out and am going to join a zoom call soon to be able to speak to others but are all of these feelings normal?? I’m keeping busy and I miss him yet I can’t stand him either. I know his focus should just be him and his recovery so I can’t explain the different feelings I am having.

Thank you all

nez

Don't try to manage your feelings, just don't blindly follow them. Dig down and explore them as they contain valuable input for helping you to decide on correct action.

Ann

Maybe use this time to help yourself, meetings like Al-anon, CoDA and Nar-anon are three similar fellowships that are about finding our balance and learning to make healthier choices and living healthy lives.

I promise that you will find a whole new support group that will help you reclaim your life again, whether or not you stay with him or choose to leave.

You are worth the try.

Sleepyhollo

Yes all those feelings are normal. And instead of worrying about him start worrying about you. You cannot control anything he does or feels but you can learn how to deal with your feelings. I was never much of a therapy proponent per se but it was a life saver for me (it helps that my counselor is really awesome and I still continue to see him 3.5 years later just less frequent). My ex was an alcoholic but I had my own issues as well, i put just didn’t involve using a substance to deal with them, I gave my ex an ultimatum and he followed through (because he actually was at a point where he felt he needed to do something himself) and rehab was hard on our already very strained relationship. In fact I went no contact with him other than things that had to do with the household or our kid. We still visited every week but only so he could see our kid, not because I wanted to see him. He got and stayed clean but I was beyond repair from our relationship standpoint. While he got clean I learned a lot about myself as well and worked on myself and came out a different person as well. Let him do his thing and you take care of you. When you have been in a relationship with an add it for a long time the add it isn’t the only one that needs help. I never understood that until he went to rehab. If he does rehab right and truly for himself he will come out a different person, he has too or he will just relapse. That person may or may not be someone you still want to be with. And you more than likely will/should also change. He needs to be sober for a good year while working a program before you will really know if it wills tick and who he is sober. And if you work on yourself you may realize you may not necessarily want to stay with him either. No one knows. You will need to give it time and start focusing on yourself and getting yourself mentally healthy. Living with an addict does do a number on our mental health as well. Only time will tell. Read codependent no more, go to alanon and get individual counseling. It will take the focus away from him and I promise you will benefit from it. I never realized how much help I needed until I started getting help. Rehab is tough on everyone involved. He’s barely sober, he will have to go through a lot of emotions and actually learn to feel them without using drugs or alcohol. That is really hard. This is not about you even though it may feel like it. Getting sober is a very selfish process but it needs to be. All his focus should be on getting and staying sober.
i also wanted to add that no one ever knew my ex was an alcoholic but one or two out of town friends. It was very lonely. After I confronted him (and I was ready to leave if he did not get help) I told him it could no longer be a secret. You are not the addict. Don’t hesitate talking to poêle you can trust. It will help you begin able to talk about it with others. He is going to rehab and he needs to be open about being an addict. If he still hides it Thaler he isn’t really ready to actually stay clean. That doesn’t mean you need to shout it for the rooftops but you should not feel like you need to continue to hide this from people you can trust. Believe me, you will feel much better once people understand what you are going through. My behaviors made a lot more sense to popel once they knew if was because I was married to an alcoholic.

Anaya

Welcome to SR, hopefor2020. <<Liking your username. That is positive.

Others give good suggestions. I'd like to add to please give yourself time and be patient with yourself. Look to focusing on self care.

Making and keeping boundaries -- much is shared here in forums about this and has been a crucial choice for me.