Jiggs

I've been doing so much reading lately (first f2f meeting tonite) about controlling on that which you have the power to control, and it always comes back to setting up boundaries to help you ride out this crazy train of the addiction of a loved one.

We exhausted ourselves with ultimatums and negotiations. They for the most didn't work and they ended up being "temporary" measures anyway for us to control or manipulate or son into something that "we" wanted.

It's surprising when we think about what we've been doing lately and it was the setting of boundaries, for us, not him. Controlling only What we can control. What we would or wouldn't do in order to keep our sanity.

Looking forward to exploring this further and the meeting tonite.

Babysteps!

nez

Great insight. Well done!

I have learned in my recovery not to deliver ultimatums, threats, or to even declare boundaries. I merely make promises. My reaction to this (or that) behavior, will produce this result. I then let the other people decide what they will do with the information that I provided.

I find that I can be more wishy-washy with boundaries than with promises. It is a small semantic difference, but it works in my cranium. :~)

Ann

Well done, Jiggs. When I stopped using rules in futility, I set boundaries for myself, what I would and would not allow in my life, and my whole life and attitude changed. It became all about "me", someone I had neglected for a very long time.

Congrats on the meeting, well done on thinking things through. You are miles ahead of where I was when I began this journey.

Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.

hopeful4

Baby steps indeed! You are so very right!

GreenChair

It took me a very long time to step out of that controlling role, setting rules, negotiations, all of it. I was always going to find a way to control his addiction. I'm sure you all know what I mean. A lot of reading here and a lot of disappointment at home, and finally one day something just clicked in place and I realized there was nothing I could do. He had to decide to be clean, and certainly I'd do anything he asked me to do to help him in that endeavor (I mean things like helping him find treatment center in his insurance). But until then I could only help myself. I never went to a meeting, but congratulate you for taking that step. I hope it works well for you!!!