Meghan19

My ex only ever treated me bad when he stole my car and disappeared. He never put me down, never stole from me when things were good and normal, never got physically violent or verbally violent. I am aware that this behavior is still UNACCEPTABLE. I see so many posts and people going on and on about how the only time an addict loves you is when he is using you for something.

I think there is truth to this but I also believe that during the periods of sobriety and recovery - the love can be very real. With the absence of them taking advantage of you.

He used to always cook me dinner before he went to work so I could come home to food AND a clean house. We used to sit and laugh forever - while driving, while sitting in the couch, and on the weekends in the morning.

He was my dogs best friend and we would push each other to go on hikes together and hit the gym everyday. We would go to church on sundays, and it was GOOD. even though I'm not religious he is and going made him so happy.

He would have the most intellectual and intelligent conversations with my godmother about politics, history, and art. He was so damn smart and blew me away with his knowledge of everything. A "bad" person that can speak 5 languages fluently and listens to both rap and classical music. Who the hell is he? He was and is the most interesting and sexy person I have ever met in my life.

He was amazing with his nieces (who are technically cousins) and they just ADORED him. Truly a man so full of life and love. Just things as simple as bringing me a glass of water without me asking.

I knew it was time to leave him for my own good because the moments that were bad had become a real pattern where I dont think at this point the pattern will ever be broken.

However- i will never believe another person that tries to tell me that the love between us wasn't real. That it was a fiction of our imagination. That it was all fake. Because honestly- that's a bunch of ********. I will go forward with my life and will always have the love for him and will always be so grateful that I got to experience the times with him that I did. The good times will continue to overshadow the bad- because I want to live my life where I focus on the positive more than the negative. Because if all I focus on is how much of a "loser" he was instead of how amazing he was- I lose those good memories and I wouldn't give those up for the world.

I know I made the right decision to leave him, but he is not a scumbag. Bad decisions do not define your life and who you are. It is how you cope and correct those decisions that define your character and unfortunately for him and everyone that loves him- he is an addict and he copes with drugs and alcohol.

And for me - codependency is not my diagnosis. I feel like this is a term thrown around a LOT. so much that when I was seeing a therapist I told her that I was worried about me being codependent because from my web searches- this is what everyone was telling me I was. She shook her head at me and told me not to worry, that I wasn't. I am just simply a person that has been raised with 2 predicaments. 1) I have some control issues. This spans across everything and I have been working to alleviate this need since I was 15. I realized in my relationship that I could not control another person and I (easily) got over this notion because I have been working for 10+ years to work past my control needs. 2) I have way too much love and care to give. I was raised to not judge people by society standards. I was raised to forgive people and trust people's hearts. This is what kept me in my relationship for so long. Not codependency.

In other news I had a dream I broke my Whole30 for a bagel. Spoiler alert: the bagel was not worth it.

Happy Tuesday!

Anaya

Thanks for the thoughtful post. Very insightful and I admire your strength.

I noticed the word codependency in the title of the thread and paid attention in particular to what you shared here: It must have been a relief to hear that the label of being codependent was something you won't have to deal with, that you are not "codependently enmeshed".

In my case, I'm aware that behaviors I've had could be considered codependent and to me, that only complicates things -- though, of course, one can become healthier and recover from codependency.

Ann

Meghan, thank you for this compassionate post.

My son was the kindest, most helpful and dear person until addiction slowly stole his soul. I KNOW he loved my husband and I, I believe he still does wherever he is. And I know that he knows he is loved, no matter where life leads him or how many mistakes he makes. I just wish he would learn to love himself again.

If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here. How I wish it was otherwise.

The candle of love burns in my heart, right next to the candle of hope. I cannot live in the world of addiction but I can pray for all those who do.

Many here are not codependent, many are struggling with a painful time in their lives and learning how to rise above it or step away from it, as you did. Others, like me, are codependent to the core and took a long time to find a healthier way to live and the courage to take that path.

This forum is for all of us, our pain is the same and we walk together.

I think you are making wise and healthy decisions. I keep you and your ex in my prayers.

Hugs

Maudcat

Great post, Meghan.
Thanks.
I believe you described perfectly why so many people stay with their addict.
They so want back the person he or she was.

Hechosedrugs

My ex-husband was so wonderful to me, too. It made things all the more difficult, because I couldn't comprehend how this wonderful man could be capable of such awful behavior.

One thing that resurfaced to my memory as I read your post:

Years ago, right in the beginning of my divorce, I called a counseling center to see about getting services for my children. I explained the situation, and the counselor I spoke to said this:

"Can I ask you something?"

"Uhhhh.... sure."

"Why aren't you angry?"

"Huh?"

"You're telling me this guy stole your identity and racked up mountains of debt. He endangered your kids. He cheated on you. And yet you don't seem angry. And I think you need to be. I think you need to develop some righteous anger. Anger's not always a bad thing. It can help to motivate us, to push us in the right direction. So I'd like you to give yourself permission to be angry."

It's not a message we hear often in society. "Anger" is considered a dirty word, the sign of a weak, immature mind. But it's a valid and necessary emotion.

I hope all goes well for you.

cece

I am sorry for your loss.
Because it is a loss to have had a love only to then need to let it go.
I think that is the toughest! To leave when both are still very much in love doesn't always make complete sense to our brains and hearts and makes us want to truly understand what and why it all happened this way.
Leaving doesn't mean you need to dismiss all the good times as a lie.

Sometimes having a diagnosis of our issues is as helpful for us and our recovery, as it is for us to understand the addict's illness/diagnosis. ...And sometimes it's not
I also don't sit well with black and whites as I tend to wade in the Grey areas or even the more colorful areas! LOL!

You know what they say, "Take what you need and leave the rest."

Addicts, just like us, come in all personality types.
People and relationships are messy!

I know my son is loveable and capable of love. Yet, he is not always capable of showing that love. Especially when in the throes of addiction.
Yet, when he does bad things, it doesn't discount the times when he is loving and caring.
I think that is actually something huge I have taken away from NarAnon and AlAnon. You can still love an addict! Some are even able to continue to live with them! I thought detachment meant always complete disconnect. And having nothing to do with them. But I have learned it's more about boundaries and taking care of what is yours only!!
Many who visit this site, and attend my meetings have seen it all, and they know reality, so I respect that too, since I tend to want to see good, and hope for the best. These members are often my reality check. They don't judge. So I listen and learn but know every situation is unique.
I struggle with codependency when my son is doing better and working on himself! It's actually easier for me to detach when he is doing poorly!.
I am told this is not the usual.
Yet, no matter his state, I should be more hands off and let him figure things out.
I am getting better.
Lots of Practice, and No Perfection here!!
Keep the focus on you and what you need to be sane and happy!
There shouldn't be any judgment for each other, just love, strength, and hope.
I hope your guy figures it out because he does sound like someone who wants that.

Good wishes to you! and hope all goes well as you continue your journey.

Meghan19

Thank you so much for your response.

I am very sad to hear about your son, but I guarantee you wherever he is out there he knows how much you love him. I admire all of the parents in the world that suffer your pains- I can barely manage my pain and it is my boyfriend! To have a child that has these struggles- I could not imagine how difficult that must be and you and all the other mothers and fathers out there are truly amazing for fighting to see the next day.

Isn't the saddest part of addiction stealing someone we care for that they have lost all love for themself? I really believe this is the only person an addict really loses love for- which is heartbreaking because there is no amount of love you can give them that will make them understand how truly loveable they are.

My hat goes off to you and all the other parents out there going through these struggles

Atlantis

My husband is an angel when he's sober, and monster when he is not. This is what makes it so effing hard for me to leave.
Before he relapsed, he was the most loving guy I had ever known, very affectionate, generous, thoughtful, faithful (would not even look at other women, I noticed and so did families and friends). He would wake up every day at 5am to go to the gym and then work and always made sure he put my phone next to me so he could talk to me if I was still in bed ( I had been a stay at home mom for 10 years). He would get home by 5pm, and put the kids in the stroller or to the bookstore and give me time to rest. He was well known at work for being hardworking and the most down-to-earth guy. He read a lot, anything Stephen king to Neil De GRass Tyson, to G.H Hardy etc...He took great care of himself and was just a fun, and mellow person to be around. He went to AA meetings at least 3 times a week. He would just apologize and fix things when he messed up.

Then when he's not sober, he lost his integrity. He lost job after job; never took responsibility for his mistakes; gets irritable, lethargic, angry, dirty, cheater, a deadbeat dad...I had to get the court involved to get him realize what he was doing.

He has been sober for 6 months, he's home, got a new job, goes to meetings 3 times a week, we start watching shows at night. He's still tired a lot, but engages with the me and the kids; and is calm and thinks before he speaks.
I can genuinely feel that he's doing a little better, but the guilt, depression and pain are still bothering him; and for me, it's resentment that bothers me the most.

Susulaila89

trailmix

Hi Susulaila. If someone says you are codependent, well, that may be their opinion. As with all opinions it's a take it or leave it thing I think.

Codependency is thrown around a lot, some people are, some aren't. It's often misunderstood. Although, codependent does not mean you don't love someone, you can be codependent and in love.

I'm sorry he hasn't contacted you, that is very painful for you I'm sure. It might be very helpful to try to focus on yourself as much as possible, take good care of yourself. While that may be the last thing you think of when you are upset you will be surprised at how much better it can make you feel. Be sure to eat well, get as much sleep as you can, reach out to family and friends and talk it out (post here as often as you like).

Jiggs

Our son is /was the funniest, most loving, caring person. When the addiction took over he became the opposite. He used his moments of sobriety to lie, cheat, steal and manipulate his family and friends.

Everything he "used" to be is now window dressing and he used it as means to get whatever he can get out of someone (he actually used these very words recently).

He told us and everyone else what we wanted to hear and that further fuelled our and others attempts to "change" him. If we saw a glimmer of hope or change no matter how small he knew we would jump at it. We rescued him or tried to rescue him constantly throwing good money away after bad, and exhausting ourselves physically and mentally with nothing changing. We were codependent.

Yes he is a real charmer and sweetheart during his moments of sobriety but we also know that even in those "sober moments" his addictive brain is still in charge and we can no longer be a part of it.

We love him more than anything and we fully believe that he does love is as well but it will take much more than those moments of sobriety for us to ever trust or believe in him again. The rinse and repeat fallout from his addiction isn't healthy for any of us.