OpheliaKatz

Iris, I know this game well. I lived through it and survived. Personally, I think this is a con. If he wanted help, he would tell people where he is, he wouldn't block numbers, he wouldn't use a private number. IF wanted help. He doesn't want help.

Even if he SAYS that he wants help... unless his actions prove that he is willing first and foremost to help himself, he doesn't want help. Why might he not want help? Maybe because he has people that you don't know about who can help him?

In any case... not your problem.

So... what is your problem right now? You. Your baby. Those are two problems you need to look after.

Have you eaten anything good today? Please eat something. Have you had enough sleep? Please sleep. Have you got some fresh air? Please... take a walk and get some fresh air. Look after you.

If you pray, then you can pray for him. But that is all you can do.

Iris1

I’ve stressed today like no other,honestly. I wish I could stop caring because it would be so much easier on me if I could. He has done nothing. It brought me pain over the past 4 months. I haven’t heard from him at all today and that’s unusual when he leaves a rehab,he always calls me. His mom hasn’t heard anything either,which is even more unusual. I’m thinking the worst and it has sent me into panic mode. I have prayed. I’m not even the praying type but I’ve prsyed that he isn’t dead somewhere. Honestly terrified for him everyday and it’s not healthy. I just don’t know what to do at this point. I’m trying to be different but I don’t know. Maybe he really doesn’t give a damn about me. At all. Thank you. I’ve kept myself busy today and had a hot bath to calm my nerves,but it really didn’t do much. I’m now resting... hoping I can somehow stop thinking the worst and just breathe. This is not good for me or the baby but this is my life and I don’t know how to change it right now.

HardLessons

Iris

If I were to select one solid truth that I have learned through the entire journey with my addict - it would be that I cannot help her. I tried hard for years & nothing I did worked. Its an extremely difficult truth to accept.

I think we all end up becoming the praying type. After trying absolutely everything else, what else can we do- but pray.

I leave my addict in gods capable hands. God knows what's best for her. Certainly I do not know. It doesn't mean I don't care about her because I still do.

BriarSkye

I have heard many people in recovery say that jail was the catalyst they needed
to get clean and sober.
This man is clearly a danger to himself and others, including you.
Many people get into recovery in jail. It's the last house on the block.
I myself was court ordered into AA and have been in AA now for 25 years.
You must stop enabling him or he will cause you great hardship, loss and sorrow.
The best thing you can do for yourself and your child is to distance yourself
from this destructive addict.
If he goes to jail it is a consequence of his addiction.

Iris1

Honestly I am at that point myself. Over the past four months he has given me anxiety attacks and depression because I worry so badly for his well being . I literally feel like I’m suffocating some days from worry and stress. I have cried and prayed all yesterday and just hope that he’s safe because I can’t handle losing him right now. I’m pregnant and I don’t want him to not at least get to see his child. At the same time I know I have to worry about myself and maybe this is the beginning of me letting go. If he’s not going to stop and realize his actions are affecting others then I damn sure cannot repeat this every other week with him. I am sick with worry. People keep asking me if I’ve heard from him yet and I don’t even wanna talk about it,because I haven’t heard from him and I can only hope and pray that he’s safe where ever he is. I guess I’ll leave it in a higher power’s hands and wait.

Iris1

Congrats on your sobriety.

& yes,he is an extreme danger to himself. Especially to himself. He has some mental health issues that only make the problem even worse in my opinion. He sees me as his safe place because I’m the one who feeds him and let’s him sleep here. I listen to him when he wants to talk and I genuinely love him. He knows this. But when the time to find his precious drugs comes he’s out the door again and I’m left wondering if whoever he is with is going to care enough about him to at least drop him off at a hospital if he overdoses. The next time I talk with him he’s going to know how he made me feel and I’m not sure that I can keep doing this. The anxiety I feel is out the roof and I’m pregnant,it’s just not healthy for me.

Bute

Hi Iris

As the mother of an addict (my son), I would have to agree with what others have shared. You cannot hold yourself responsible for his health and well-being. You'll drive yourself insane, not to mention the impact that the stress and worry will have on your health, and your baby.
I know it's hard, but if he really wanted recovery, he would be doing everything in his power to work towards it. At the moment, it would seem he's not interested.
I know you want him to be a partner and a father, but whilst he is in active addiction, you are better off without him and so is your baby. An addict brings chaos and heartache. They can't be who we would like them to be.
Please try and refocus, and concentrate on yourself. You've already experienced what life is like with him - do you want the same life with a little baby? For now, put him on the back foot.

Hugs and much love
Bute x

DriGuy

Iris1, the thread title poses a very interesting question, although the text that follows is about other things, but let me address the title, because it is something I've wondered about before in regards to addiction. I'm guessing that jail time has changed behaviors, although when it comes to addictions, I can only point to cases where it failed. It seems like it's an appropriate way to deal with criminal behavior, but its track record from what I understand is not very good. For addiction, it just seems inappropriate. If it works, great. If it doesn't I'm not surprised.

As for your personal life, he's gone. Great potential or not, he's gone. Maybe he will come back. If he does, my guess is that you won't be able to change him. You can hope, but that's about all.

Iris1

Jail has been the only effective way to keep him off drugs,that’s all I know. He was in there a little over two weeks and was completely clean. I know jails aren’t the most innocent places and drugs can be smuggled in,but for the most part they are way safer than being out in the streets with a horrible heroin addiction. He has been hiding In assuming the past few days after he entered another rehab but left (or so I thought) starting to think he ended up staying because he knew jail time awaited him if he didn’t go back to rehab. The only thing I can think of other than horrible scenarios which keep playing out in my head. I’m trying to stay rational and I honestly think he ended up staying where he was at.

OpheliaKatz

Iris, can you try to focus on yourself and your child for now? Every time you find yourself thinking about him, maybe repeat something comforting to yourself, like: "this is temporary". Or "let go and let god"... something like that. Repeat it until you calm down and then get busy with something totally unrelated to him. You have no control over what he does or what happens to him, so continuing to think about it is just going to drive you nuts.

What have you done today for you or your baby? What have you achieved today? I find that when times are tough, even if I do ONE small thing that day, it's a mini victory. Like, if I cook myself dinner and then make myself dessert. Or if I plant something... or clean out a drawer.

trailmix

Please, focus on self care for yourself. Al-Anon meetings are available online, you don't have to go to face to face meetings. Have you checked out any books, like Codependent no more?

You and your baby deserve a happy life, maybe some day he will seek recovery but that is NOT now, no way, not going to happen and even if he chose recovery tomorrow - he is going to jail.

He is not asking for your help. I understand you are a compassionate person. There are lots of people in this world that could use compassion. Women that are abused, homeless persons, disabled persons. Perhaps you could volunteer with an organization and direct some of your compassion there (but mostly to yourself and your child).

If you want to feel better and not so stressed etc - take the focus off him.

trailmix

Hi Iris, hope you are feeling a bit better today.

You mentioned you don't know how to start making those changes, I have a few suggestions.

I think most important is circling the wagons! Get as much support as you can, family, friends, different organizations.

- Practice lots of self care:
- Guided meditations
- Doing things you like - whether that's binge watching Netflix, cooking or knitting or exercise
- Try to get some exercise in every day, even if that's going to the mall and walking back and forth or a walk around the block - this lifts your mood.
- Don't isolate, this one is really, really important. If you isolate all you have to listen to are your own thoughts which tend to be really negative right now.
- Find reading materials that speak to you. Uplifting topics - something just entertaining or self-help in building your self esteem, Co-dependant no more - books on raising baby.
- Reach out for support from your GP and the Dr that is going to deliver your baby. They may know of Mom groups in your area.
- Make a list of all the reasons to stay away from him and the negative effect he is having on your life. Make it a hard copy and refer to it whenever you start to have those - oh he's not so bad, thoughts.

Plan for your immediate future. What do you need? How can you go about getting those things?

Hope this helps a bit.

Iris1

Iris1

trailmix

You know, you don't have to stop loving him and you don't have to stop believing he is capable of change and you can still be happy - the two are not mutually exclusive.

Depending on him for your happiness is at best a mistake though. Depending on anyone for that would be unreliable at best, depending on an active addict to perform that role is asking for misery.

Not thinking about the situation is a good way to try and make yourself feel better but it's important to take action as well, it will really help.

Being in love with someone's "potential" is kind of a thankless task. You don't actually know what his potential is and let's say you did - that he has the ability to be a brilliant artist, that doesn't mean that's his plan, in fact his plan right now is to get high, that's pretty much it and that's pretty much the way addiction/addicts work.

By distancing yourself from HIS problems (they are his, not yours) you will help yourself tremendously and him too. Being a soft place for him to fall every time is not helpful to him in the long run, he never has to face the consequences of what he is doing and has done.

You are not his Mother, you don't have a responsibility to pick him up and dust him off each time he falls over. He is not a child, he is a grown man and as such he needs to take responsibility for his life. How on earth can he be a Father to your child if he is not even doing that?

You've been around him a while, has loving him helped him to reach his potential? If love could fix addiction SR would be a very quiet place.

He may or may not have potential but your life has tons of it! You are going to be a Mother to a very special person shortly. Don't wait until March to start getting on with your life. Can friends and family perhaps rally around to get you out and about? Does anyone have a car that you can use for a while or one they might have to give away to you? Will you being going back to work once the baby is born?

FeelingGreat

Iris are you part of a prenatal group for exercising, birth classes and so on? I'm not sure about the US but in Australia if you go through the public system you get together with other women who are due about the same time. Part of it is supporting each other through the birth and baby early days.

Are you able to find other Mums to be, even online? Maybe through your doctor?

AWorriedFather

Regarding your question in the title, I did, and more. My Son was using synthetic drugs while on probation, found himself in ER a dozen times during probation from using it, and the system's urine analysis was unable to detect him using. I went to my Son's PO and told him what was going on, and volunteered to testify. My Son received 6 months in federal prison (dui on federal property), he didn't make me testify (he plead quilty), and he doesn't hold this against me to this day. He now understands this was a very difficult act of love by me to save him. Regarding prison, -prison didn't help him much with his addiction, but prison prevented him from overdosing, and forced him to reflect among several others who do. My Son overdosed one more time after prison, and now has been sober for more than one year.

torysays

Hello, I just saw this thread. Jail is not a safe place, there are drugs in there. My love overdosed and died in jail 3 months ago. I never saw that coming.

trailmix

Hi tory, so sorry to hear that.

Dee74

I'm so sorry for your loss torysays
D